markfromark Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Hello, a few month ago I started to get involved with a married woman. She said from the start that she is only looking for sex and not for a relationship. I thought, great, just what I am looking for. In the past I had problems sometimes with pure physical relationships (from my point of view) when the women (single, not married) wanted more. To my surprise I am falling for her now and maybe she is even falling for me. At this point I am trying to understand what keeps her in the marriage. They don't have children and she is financially independant as far as I can tell. She told me she is best friends with her husband but there is just no passion or sex between them. Maybe someone can give me some insight into the mindset of people who want to stay in a marriage that does not give them all they think they should have in a marriage. So far she has not given me any signs that she wants to change our situation and maybe I should just enjoy the time that I spend with her, but I am getting a bit worried that I will get my heart broken sooner or later. Thanks, M
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 It would have been easier to find a woman who was single and just looking for a casual/sexual relationship. This woman is married and you two being together, sexually, for now - WILL end up hurting you both, and most of all, her husband. It's very selfish of her to having 'just sex' with you, choosing to cheat on her husband. The thing is, how long can you stay with her, knowing she's married, and not leaving her husband? You're going to fall deeper for her and get hurt... She should be focussing on her marriage, trying to get the passion back with her husband, not finding it elsewhere. She is in the wrong here, though you are helping her cheat on her unsuspecting husband...Be prepared for the fallout if he finds out. Sounds like she's selfish though. Wants the comfort of her life, a house, friends, family, neighbours...Stability. Then she has you, for excitement, passion and fun. All the good stuff that happens in the beginning of all relationships...That is what affairs thrive off of. As soon as it gets too serious ,or "real" for her, (meaning if you tell her you love her and want her to leave her H, she'll back off and make excuses...) the fun stops and reality hits. Save yourself, get out now before you get reall hurt.
ThumbingMyWay Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 but there is just no passion or sex between them. I would not believe this for a minute. She is still sleeping with her husband..... Maybe someone can give me some insight into the mindset of people who want to stay in a marriage that does not give them all they think they should have in a marriage. simple.....its called selfishness. They think of themselves. They dont want to give up the stability of marriage for some strange on the side....so they cheat instead.....mostly men do this....but women are now taking this approach...meaning....they have a great life at home...they jsut wnat OTHER sex.... Let me guess.... she has been married about 10 years and she is in her 30's.....probably late 30's almost 40 I bet. she is having her...grass is greener phase...but doesnt want to sell the old property just yet.....
serial muse Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Hello, a few month ago I started to get involved with a married woman. She said from the start that she is only looking for sex and not for a relationship. I thought, great, just what I am looking for. In the past I had problems sometimes with pure physical relationships (from my point of view) when the women (single, not married) wanted more. To my surprise I am falling for her now and maybe she is even falling for me. At this point I am trying to understand what keeps her in the marriage. They don't have children and she is financially independant as far as I can tell. She told me she is best friends with her husband but there is just no passion or sex between them. Maybe someone can give me some insight into the mindset of people who want to stay in a marriage that does not give them all they think they should have in a marriage. So far she has not given me any signs that she wants to change our situation and maybe I should just enjoy the time that I spend with her, but I am getting a bit worried that I will get my heart broken sooner or later. Thanks, M I think you might do better to ask yourself why you only want to go deeper with someone clearly unavailable. Whatever her issues are (and I'll bet Thumbing is right on with them) YOUR problem is why you weren't interested in the women who could give you more. Many times women and men who get involved with married people have deep-seated commitment issues of their own - and IMO, you'll find it more rewarding to focus on yours than on hers. You need to seek insight into yourself, not into her, I think. She's a red herring.
Author markfromark Posted March 6, 2007 Author Posted March 6, 2007 just a few replies to your comments - I am very sure she has not had sex with her husband for several years - yes, she is in her late 30s - her husband has affairs when he is travelling, I don't know how she knows that - her behavor could be considered as selfish - I will think about why I am falling for an unavailable woman, that is a very good point
MySugaree Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Married women in their mid to late 30's are prone to affairs. Her motivation, while flattering to you, is beside the point. You, my friend, are a toy, a play thing, a fu#k buddy. On one level that's quite flattering, but if you want more--namely, a change in the marital status quo--that's a different story. It most likely won't happen. Right now, she can tell the world she's married and you can tell her what a great lover she is. She's hot and homey! Now, in the first rush of hormones, there's equilibrium. That may change if you want more than a tryst. She''ll break your heart, my friend. Her husband will salve her wounds, staunch her loneliness. And you, who will hold you when the big break occurs? You'll have your keyboard, and good ole LS. If you take one thing out of this post, it's this: You only borrow another man's wife. Your lover has a return date.
oyster Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 I was the OM. it is for emotional connection, she is pissed at her hubby affair. if her life is confortable and they been married over 10 years, don't hold your breathe on her leaving
Jinxx Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 I thought, great, just what I am looking for. Thats what I thought when XMM and I started our A. I left my marriage after ten years (not because of XMM) but was planning on doing that anyway. I did fall hard for him and am now trying to put it behind me -- not an easy thing to do. Unless your MW is willing to leave the marriage then you are only setting yourself up for heartache.
MoonGirl Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 I doubt she's still sleeping with her husband as another (probably male) poster suggested. She's probably telling you the truth about this. Most (but not all) females cheat for emotional reasons, and most would have trouble sleeping with their husbands after sleeping with an OM. But she is using you for a great self-esteem boost and excitement, which is probably seriously lacking in her marriage. If her husband is away a lot, she is lonely. If he has had affairs, she is hurting. Her self-esteem is probably in the gutter, and your attention and affection makes her feel better. I am one of the few MW I have known about who has left my marriage for OM...it doesn't happen often...but it does happen. I think a marriage has to be completely unbearable for the MW to leave. And, strangely, sometimes an affair can even prolong the marriage because MW is having all of her needs met (some by hubby and others by you).
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Unless your MW is willing to leave the marriage then you are only setting yourself up for heartache. Even if she leaves her marriage, she isn't going to run to him, start her life over so quickly. People need time between relationships - Especially after a marriage ends.
ThumbingMyWay Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 I doubt she's still sleeping with her husband as another (probably male) poster suggested. She's probably telling you the truth about this. yes I am male whats that have to do with my opinion about her still sleeping with her H? I just find it hard to believe that she hasnt had sex with her husband in 3 years.....when she says he (H) is her best freind......they are still doing it.... the only reasoning OP has said so far is that her H has had A's while traveling... IMO....this is her way of doing the same....
Jinxx Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 I just find it hard to believe that she hasnt had sex with her husband in 3 years.....when she says he (H) is her best freind......they are still doing it.... Believe it or not, it does happen. I didn't have sex with my husband for two years. He was also my best friend, lots of common interests, etc.
ThumbingMyWay Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Believe it or not, it does happen. I didn't have sex with my husband for two years. He was also my best friend, lots of common interests, etc. I;ll choose not to beluive it... I have a cold and am feeling confrontational today....lucky you... so for 2 years.....you did nothing....nada....I mean....after that bottle of wine and your all fuzzy inside...and you just wanna **** come on...2 years....nothing?
kymberann Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Hope this helps. If you are already feeling like you are going to get hurt, then you are going to get hurt! Question is do you want more or less pain? Sounds like you have played the field as a single guy, nothing serious but there is somethign about this woman. Would you have thought so after dating the MW for a while if she weren't married? Basically what is attracting you to her that is making you fall? As for sleeping with the husband and the husband having affairs, how do you know this. Remember it is all one sided if it is coming from her. However, at the tail end of my M I was in an affair and I didn't want to sleep with my husband due to numerous factors, including the A. so there may be truth to that. At this point perhaps it would be best you really weigh the pros and cons to this R. If the cons far out weigh the pros, then maybe that is yoyur answer. Best
kymberann Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 I believe it. There are lots of sexless marriages out there. In fact the counseling center I work at, there is a couple who have been married for ten years. They each have their own home, live seperate lives, have seperate everything! And that's the way they like it! THey are content that way, and they appear to get along better that way. So don't be so suprised, whether you are confrontational or not!
Jinxx Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 I;ll choose not to beluive it... I have a cold and am feeling confrontational today....lucky you... so for 2 years.....you did nothing....nada....I mean....after that bottle of wine and your all fuzzy inside...and you just wanna **** come on...2 years....nothing? Yeah -- lucky me..... ha, ha! I'm serious -- two years, nothing. One of the reasons why (and I'll probably get bashed for this) is my STBEX got fat, HUGE! I am small and and in great shape. No amount of alcohol could get me to *do it* with him after watching him get bigger and bigger and begging him to do something about it. We had other issues too though.
kymberann Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 One of the reasons why (and I'll probably get bashed for this) is my STBEX got fat, HUGE! I am small and and in great shape. No amount of alcohol could get me to *do it* with him after watching him get bigger and bigger and begging him to do something about it. We had other issues too though. THere always are other issues! And as for feeling as if getting bashed, hell, I don't see why you would. I am of the opinion that once married both people in the R need to spend even more time taking care of themselves mentally, emotionally and physically! We put a lot of time and energy wooing and courting and showing our better selves, it can and shold be done once married too! Now I may get bashed but I think that is one reason why people cheat, when the other does not want to put as much time and energy into the R as they once had in the beginning. Besides, people change, relationships are never a guarantee that they will last!
MoonGirl Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 yes I am male whats that have to do with my opinion about her still sleeping with her H? I just find it hard to believe that she hasnt had sex with her husband in 3 years.....when she says he (H) is her best freind......they are still doing it.... the only reasoning OP has said so far is that her H has had A's while traveling... IMO....this is her way of doing the same.... I'm not saying she hasn't had sex with her husband in 3 years, but it IS possible. I haven't had sex with mine for 2+ years. If a woman does not feel emotionally loved/adored/wanted by someone, she is unlikely to have sex with him. Since her husband has had affairs, she probably stopped having sex with him. I said I thought you were male because, as a male, you would likely not think it would be strange for MW to be having sex with both her lover and her husband because you do not think like a woman. Not meant as an insult by any means! The affair COULD be revenge, but it could also be her way of taking care of her own emotional needs (which her H is not meeting).
Jinxx Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 One of the reasons why (and I'll probably get bashed for this) is my STBEX got fat, HUGE! I am small and and in great shape. No amount of alcohol could get me to *do it* with him after watching him get bigger and bigger and begging him to do something about it. We had other issues too though. And as for feeling as if getting bashed, hell, I don't see why you would. I am of the opinion that once married both people in the R need to spend even more time taking care of themselves mentally, emotionally and physically! Some people let themselves go after marriage and kids -- a lot of my friends have so that is probably why I think I might get bashed. But I couldn't agree more with you on this!
MoonGirl Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Yeah -- lucky me..... ha, ha! I'm serious -- two years, nothing. One of the reasons why (and I'll probably get bashed for this) is my STBEX got fat, HUGE! I am small and and in great shape. No amount of alcohol could get me to *do it* with him after watching him get bigger and bigger and begging him to do something about it. We had other issues too though. You're not the only one. My husband also got a bit fat and also had some other issues with personal hygeine. He is a decent looking guy, really, but after being verbally/emotionally and physically abusive...and then him getting fat, I couldn't bear to think of having sex with him. I think most of the reason I wouldn't have sex with him was emotional (who wants to be intimate with someone who insults you constantly?), but the fat part was hard to stomach for me too. I always kept myself looking very nice for him, so I felt like he just didn't give a rats azz about pleasing me (which he didn't). So, I left (mostly because of the abuse) and because OM was kind, respectful, not abusive...and of course not obese.
ThumbingMyWay Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 One of the reasons why (and I'll probably get bashed for this) is my STBEX got fat, HUGE! I wont bash you....it wont get anywhere....I have learned on LS that everyone has there own way....
Jinxx Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 I wont bash you....it wont get anywhere....I have learned on LS that everyone has there own way.... Much appreciated -- Thank you!
Jinxx Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 I think most of the reason I wouldn't have sex with him was emotional (who wants to be intimate with someone who insults you constantly?), but the fat part was hard to stomach for me too. I always kept myself looking very nice for him, so I felt like he just didn't give a rats azz about pleasing me (which he didn't). So, I left (mostly because of the abuse) and because OM was kind, respectful, not abusive...and of course not obese. Well I didn't have the abuse issue and nice to know others feel the same as I do with respect to this issue. I'm glad you got out.
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