Major Setback!

[Belovely]

So I was doing great these past few months. I was really happy with being single, not thinking about my ex as often, not thinking about what he was doing with my ex-friend, and life was great. I had finally come to the realization and understanding that I was better off without him and her. Then bam, smack in the face, I get an invitation to their wedding over the weekend. Both of their families are close to my family and that is why we got the invitation, so it was for the whole family and not just me. But anyway, they've been married through the court for quite some time and I've known this, so why the invitation started all these emotions again, I have no idea. I mean, it's still hard to grasp how he was able to move on so quickly, how he played us both, how he proposed marriage so after me finding out he was seeing her and me at the same time? I don't understand any of it! Why marry her after only being with her 3months after you were with me for almost 2 yrs? Why would she (a supposed friend) do this to me? Then I keep thinking that all the good times we had, he's now having with her. I keep thinking what they're doing together, if it's really real, if what we had was all a lie. I can't believe I was betrayed in such a way!

 

Now my other dilemma is whether I should go to the wedding or not. I have mixed emotions about it. On one hand I want to go in order to show them that they didn't hurt me, that I'm stronger, than I'm the bigger and better person. But then again, I don't want to go because if I do that's like respecting them, and they didn't respect me! However, I don't want anyone to feel pity for me and I know that if I don't go, both of their families (since they know me and my family so well) are going to be saying "Aww poor thing, she still loves him. She hasn't gotten over him, what a shame". I don't want any of that! Because the truth is that I'm over him and I wouldn't want him back even if he was the last person on earth. I'm more upset about what was done to me and how they went about doing it. I am upset over the betrayal, the disrespect, the fact that I find it hard to trust now because of what they did. I know I'm better off, but it still hurts knowing that something that was so real to you turned out to be a lie...That the one thing that I put so much effort in, I failed at.

 

So I'd like to hear everyone's honest opinion...Should I or should I not go to the wedding? Thanks!

[KittenMoon]

To hell with them both.

 

But to keep up appearances and your self-respect, perhaps you could send a short note saying "Thank you for the invite but I think people would be more comfortable if I didn't attend." Maybe send it to one of the family members you trust not to twist it in any way.

 

Or say nothing. You don't owe them anything, not a word. In any case, I wouldn't go. Nothing good will come of it for you.

 

Personally, I find it cruel and insensitive they invited you at all.

[Cossette4]

He has been with her for 3 months and he has decided he wants to marry her?!

 

I think you should go so you can say you attended the biggest joke in history.

[Belovely]

I keep the story short as to how it all went down. I dated him for about 2 yrs. We broke up in June (not the first time) over stupid reasons and all his fault. He then wanted to get back with me but I refused to be put through it all again so I said no. We didn't talk until August. We start hanging out again and he wants to get back together, but I kept putting it off because I wanted to see if there was a real effort to change on his part which I wasn't seeing. I was supposed to see him one night at his place so I call him to tell him I'm coming but he doesn't pick up and when I go to his house her car (my supposed friend) outside. I confront him, he denies it, doesn't call me for a few days, and when I finally call him he tells me I took to long to decide what I wanted so he found someone new. This was in September. By October he proposes and in December they get married through the court. May is there official church wedding. So in August when we started talking again, he was talking to her already, and I guess when I found out what he was doing, he settled for her. It just annoys me!

 

I believe the only reason I was invited is because my family and their family are close. If it weren't for that I wouldn't have gotten an invitation. It was addressed to the whole family and not just me. But, nonetheless, am I horrible for wanting this to blow up in their faces? Am I wrong for wanting to go looking the best I've ever looked and make him jealous? Am I dumb for wanting to go to rub it in their faces that they haven't gotten the best of me?

[taylor]

Nothing like driving the dagger a little deeper.

 

I disagree with KittenMoon's note. IMO, it sounds too defeatist.

 

If you decide not to attend, tell everyone sorry, you have other plans, you are going to the Bahamas (or your choice of fun in the sun) that weekend, then disappear. If you can't really take off for the Bahamas, hit the tanning bed so it looks like you did.

 

Seriously, if you decide not to attend, it's enough to say you are busy with other plans and can't possibly make time. Then find something to do to BE BUSY that day. Don't bother with a gift or card. They won't appreciate it anyways.

 

If you do decide to go, the outcome will depend on your state of mind. You will either drive the dagger deeper into your heart or you will get a good belly laugh knowing this 3 month fling- to-marriage probably won't last.

[shockandawed]

You owe these people and their insensitive family members nothing!!

 

Do not go, do not send a card, do not offer excuses.

 

Simply do not go!!

 

I would suggest spending that day far away doing something fun for yourself.

[Faith2]

Do not go to this wedding. The polite and dignified response is to mail a little note as your RSVP with your regrets that you can't attend because you have previous plans, or you'll be away that weekend, or whatever. Then GO AWAY, get out of town and do something fun for yourself.

[Am4Real]

Do not go to this wedding. The polite and dignified response is to mail a little note as your RSVP with your regrets that you can't attend because you have previous plans, or you'll be away that weekend, or whatever. Then GO AWAY, get out of town and do something fun for yourself.

 

With the invitation addressed to the entire family the only response necessary is from the entire family. Individual family members need not respond unless the invitation requested such. It's likely the response will need to state how many persons from the family are attending, in that case whoever is going is part of the totaled up number. In other words no individual explanations or other reasons are needed. And for sure you do not owe these persons a reason or anything under the circumstances.

 

Geez, I thought it was just my EX who who committed to marriage after a 10 - 12 week relationship or perhaps rebound (and hers was one of long distance and two different countries). It's amazing that's for sure!!!

[Belovely]

Am4Real: Is your EX still with the person he married after such a short time? I guess I'm looking for some validation that what my ex has with her is not real or not as real as what he and I shared.

[Am4Real]

Am4Real: Is your EX still with the person he married after such a short time? I guess I'm looking for some validation that what my ex has with her is not real or not as real as what he and I shared.

 

Hello Belovely,

 

Unfortunately as a new member you are not yet able to receive Private Messages so I will be as brief as possible before answering your question and referring you to my original post along with the wonderful advice given to me by others. This is a tough question to be brief with and I'll probbly go on and on... {{smiles}}

 

Let me tell you, there are many, many reasons for persons falling for each other. Some make sense and some do not. When an outsider tries to make sense of a couples joining they are almost surely wrong in many aspects. The underlying advice given to me by a professional when I first tried to deal with my experience that resembles yours in some way is that “she” (my EX) is no longer my problem and her new love or well being should not be my concern. I’ll tell you, that was a very hard thought to believe in at first and for some time to come. However, I began to look introspectively at myself and determine who I am and what I want and in time I came to believe that advice. I will assume you will to in your own time.

 

The invitation to their wedding was a setback in for you in accepting the situation with two EX's (an EX lover and an EX friend). I understand completely when it was my EX who called me to flaunt her engagement and almost immediate co-residency with her new love after only dating for 12 weeks in a long distance relationship (whew...can't even imagine that in some ways). You just ask why would someone do that and it is that exact question that I got caught up in and honestly it cannot be answered?

 

Now for my advice as learned here on LS and through a professional:

Whether or not your EX is in love, will be married forever, will be happy, is caught up in a rebound that will go south one day or something else, you will get a million different opinions and theories delivered to your doorstep…and one will never know until time plays all of it out. Regardless your EX lover and your EX friend will need to carve their own destiny and be responsible for whatever it is they seek. You have to do the same for you and yours without any lengthened questions about them and their relationship.

 

I know it sounds much easier than it is.

 

For me and perhaps after you read my original post you will understand, total NO CONTACT is the only way to heal thyself and move on without any anchors. I stay committed to NC despite a recent indirect attempt by “her” to be visible to me again. That is why I think you attending the wedding will be so difficult; it’s like breaking NC and starting all over again in the wonderment of the situation.

 

You know, even as I progress I am not near healed and if I were to be in contact with “her” in any way what so ever I have no idea what would happen, but I do know it would be like returning to square one in the healing process. If I were you I would simply stay away from the wedding.

 

My original post can be found at: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t110077/ Get yourself a large drink, it’s a long post…but take note of the excellent advisement I received from P&P, RIOBIKINI and others.

 

Take care,

 

Am4Real

[scubafish]

If this happened to a family member, or frined, and they did not go to the wedding, I surely would not be sitting there thinking 'awww, poor thing'.

and since the invitation was not directed to you by name, I do not think you owe an note or rsvp either.

 

am4real- I am glad I read this post as well. I am going through the same thing, and I know my cheating hubby and his OW are not my concern anymore, but I do sit here hour after hour wondering WTF they are doing. and why he did this to me. and how can it possibly last etc. is he laughing and having a good time, or maybe the 'grass is not as green' as he thought it would be.

 

I cannot do NC fully, as we still have to 'split' everything, and neither of us are rushing to do that for some reason......

[Am4Real]

 

I cannot do NC fully, as we still have to 'split' everything, and neither of us are rushing to do that for some reason......

 

Hi Scuba,

 

Question: how do you get a screen name like scubafish living in Arizona, hahah???

 

Anyway, what I find interesting is that the more you practice NC the more he/she wonders howe you are doing? Relationships are interesting are they not?

 

Hope you're well this eveining!

 

Am4Real

[Belovely]

Thank you all for your thoughts and words of wisdom. Thank you, Am4Real, for sharing your story with me and what you have gained from the experience. You are right, what they do now and how, is not of my concern. It is out of my hands. I suppose I simply want the last laugh in all of this. And of course, that isn't the right way to think about things, but I can help but want KARMA to bite them where it hurts! As you said Am4Real, I hope I can one day look back on this experience and on them as a mere stepping stone something bigger and better. And I feel I have come a long way since the breakup in June and the subsequent "reconciliaton" in August to the blow of uncovering the truth about them. In the process, I have learned a great deal about myself. It took me months to finally get to the point where I was ok with myself, ok with being single, and happy with the outcome of everything. Even greater was the realization that I didn't miss him, but the companionship that the relationship offered. I've realized that I do not deserve him and that I should never settle, which is what I did when I began dating him. The greatest sting and the hardest to get over is the betrayal. I can confidently say that I am better off without him. Again, thank you for your kind words and advice. It is greatly appreciated!