When to tell the BS

[Salicious Crumb]

For myself, no need to tell. I like his wife and his kids

 

 

hmmm....interesting.

[whichwayisup]

For myself, no need to tell. I like his wife and his kids

 

But I'm sure they wouldn't like you if they knew the truth of what you were doing with her husband, and the kids father. Sorry, but that makes it worse, cuz you know her. It's making a FOOL of her.

[Ripples]

Uh oh Ripples....do be careful...you're now skating on thin ice.

 

You didn't understand what I was getting at either. I guess it was too subtle. Or maybe you just don't understand that I have no fear of 'thin ice'.

 

NoraJane, you've summed it up for me. Many thanks. Also WWIU

 

So we have: the OW tells the BS when things are going wrong for her, as the OW. As opposed to when things are going great in the affair.

 

In telling the wife, she wants to destroy the marriage and as a consequence either ensures the MM suffers as he's made her suffer (even though she knew what she was getting into with all it's pain and problems from the start), or creates potential for the W to kick the MM out and hopefully he'll come to her.

[outofdarkness]

But I'm sure they wouldn't like you if they knew the truth of what you were doing with her husband, and the kids father. Sorry, but that makes it worse, cuz you know her. It's making a FOOL of her.

yep...I think OW's don't always see it that way b/c they are the one's who are actually involved in the A. Imagine what was like on the playground when we were young girls. Often triangle friendships formed..Two would often form a "secret" bond and just string along the third...Not saying anything the whole time, to the third wheel, who thought she was in on the friendship circle. After you found out, you most likely felt embarrassed and mislead...not to mention betrayed. You thought these people could be trusted..You could tell them anything..See what I mean?

[Salicious Crumb]

You didn't understand what I was getting at either. I guess it was too subtle. Or maybe you just don't understand that I have no fear of 'thin ice'.

 

 

Oh I understood ya...but I knew some here wouldn't.

 

And I have no fear of the "thin ice" either...but thought I'd warn ya...ya may not fear it, but don't want ya to fall in...

[Ripples]

Oh I understood ya...but I knew some here wouldn't.

 

And I have no fear of the "thin ice" either...but thought I'd warn ya...ya may not fear it, but don't want ya to fall in...

 

Actually, that makes no sense whatsoever.

[Guest]

Alot of times she's trying to force the hand of the MM or like already stated hoping the wife will kick him out and he'll coming running to her. Not to mention while she is hurting he gets to go back to his family and his normal life. Its like he got away with it. I can understand why OW do this. I don 't agree with it but i understand the need especially after all of the BS promises he made.

[Salicious Crumb]

Actually, that makes no sense whatsoever.

 

 

*sigh*..in other words...if you are skating on thin ice and you ARE NOT afraid...it doesnt mean you won't fall in.

[Ripples]

In other words, I'm not frightened of falling in.

 

In other words, if someone is going to slag me off on an Internet message board, it's going to have precisely zero impact on my life.

[stillafool]

I definitely feel the only reason the OW wants to tell the W is to get her to break up with her husband and throw him out so the OW can finally get him. It's pathetic I know, but what's a girl to do when she has spent so much time and energy chasing someone else's man. The sad part is it almost always backfires and causes the married couple to iron out their problems (as to why he went astray in the first place), turn on the OW and normally after counseling the marriage is better and stronger.

[Jinxx]

I think that's what makes the difference, why you aren't at all interested in telling his wife. You weren't banking on a future with him, so whatever you are feeling at the end of your A, it isn't disppointment that he let you down by being wishy washy about leaving, or that he didn't "choose you over her".

 

Yes, exactly. I just never expected to fall for the guy.

[Jinxx]

 

right now you still want something from him so you don't want to see him clearly yet. it takes time but you'll get there.

 

No, you are wrong -- don't want anything from him. If somewhere down the road he decides to leave the marriage then we'll see. But I don't expect anything from him, I never did.

[Guest]

No, you are wrong -- don't want anything from him. If somewhere down the road he decides to leave the marriage then we'll see. But I don't expect anything from him, I never did.

 

hi this is the previous guest who wrote in before.

 

i've read all the posts here, and yours, and i don't think i'm wrong based on what you've said about your feelings. what i said is you want him still, and i think that's true. wanting isn't the same as expecting, but if you're thinking about what might happen with him if he got divorced then that means you do still want him, very much, even if you don't expect anything.

 

sorry to be blunt but shouldn't you maybe be more honest with yourself? otherwise you won't really move on, and you need to.

[torranceshipman]

I think every person can make up their own mind what is best for them - and for the OW, if that is telling the W/H, then so be it. I really do think that honesty is a winner here. Sure it'd cause drama and fall out but ultimately it forces the MM to face up to his responsibilities, to give the W the opportunity to know the truth and then make an informed choice, and for the OW to see exactly how much the MM is being honest to her - about leaving, the state of his marriage, etc - and it'll show (by the MM's reaction) what his true intentions about staying/leaving really are - this could save the OW potential years of being lied to and waiting around for nothing.

 

Basically the MM gets called out for being a lying git, and is made accountable for it, end of story. Lies are hideous, full stop, so if you bring the lies out into the open, then I think its the best solution all round.

 

I also don't agree with this 'don't upset the wife by telling her, she's done nothing wrong'? mentality - I think it's a great thing to share the truth with her. How is telling her the truth a bad thing as long as it's done with as much tact as possible?

 

In many ways I think the OW and W are both in a bit of an abusive relationship with the MM, and the sooner both either know about it, or are able to get out of it...the better it is all round.

[whichwayisup]

In many ways I think the OW and W are both in a bit of an abusive relationship with the MM, and the sooner both either know about it, or are able to get out of it...the better it is all round.

 

Except that one is married to him, the other isn't. OW knows and stays since she put herself in that situation, the affair with MM.

 

this could save the OW potential years of being lied to and waiting around for nothing.

 

But if she waits for years, she can't put all the blame on the MM. Sure, he may be telling her I'll leave - But when he doesn't and another year goes by, she's got to take responsibility for her own life and make a choice for herself, not wait for MM to decide for her.

[Jinxx]

But I'm sure they wouldn't like you if they knew the truth of what you were doing with her husband, and the kids father. Sorry, but that makes it worse, cuz you know her. It's making a FOOL of her.

 

Of course they wouldn't like me, I know that. The wife might eventually forgive him but what about their kids? Do you think it is fair for them to know what their father has been up to? They would probably resent and hate him for life. Same with my kids. I wouldn't want them to know either as they like XMM too. Both our daughters hang out together sometimes. Why hurt their friendship? As far as knowing the wife -- we are not friends but more like acquaintances. Still.... what purpose does it serve telling them? Nothing -- unless I want the thrill of watching his wife hurt the way I am and intentionally cause more turmoil in their life.

[Ripples]

Of course they wouldn't like me, I know that. The wife might eventually forgive him but what about their kids? Do you think it is fair for them to know what their father has been up to? They would probably resent and hate him for life. Same with my kids. I wouldn't want them to know either as they like XMM too. Both our daughters hang out together sometimes. Why hurt their friendship? As far as knowing the wife -- we are not friends but more like acquaintances. Still.... what purpose does it serve telling them? Nothing -- unless I want the thrill of watching his wife hurt the way I am and intentionally cause more turmoil in their life.

 

You say all this Jinxx, but then you said previously:

 

No, you are wrong -- don't want anything from him. If somewhere down the road he decides to leave the marriage then we'll see. But I don't expect anything from him, I never did.

 

Your relationship with him isn't over and thus you are still in the position of every OW.

 

 

<snip>

 

This topic has got off topic, it's not about if to tell the W, it's about questioning the timing of the telling, if the OW tells.

 

Also, I don't feel it is as black and white as you've made out, TSM.

 

However, having read this and the other thread, I believe that sometimes the wife finding out is the best thing that can happen for the aforementioned reason - it can enable the married couple to work on their marriage and build something stronger and better than before.

 

I don't feel the OW is the one to do the telling though, but I do feel it would be good if she was to 'encourage' the MM to tell.

[torranceshipman]

WhichWayIsUp, you're right, but that's my point, if the OW tells the W, then she's no longer keeping herself in a destructive relationship, as she wouldn't be waiting years for the MM to leave...and the W gets to know the truth. And MM's lies wont work on anyone then...he'd have to (oh no!) rely on telling the truth, for once, to get what he wants.

 

And Jinxx: yes I DO think it is fair for the kids to find out the truth. I don't think its fair, or right, that the MM created this nightmare scenario in the first place, but unfortunately, by this point, the MM has already messed it up for everyone as he's already gambled with his family and their happiness...so that is the situation everyone now has to deal with, and we have to look at what is fair in this context. I don't think its RIGHT to continue the lies and to keep hiding the truth - this is where the MM needs to either end the A or end the M, and move on decisively, showing a bit of character and showing his kids that it is human to make mistakes, but then once the mistake has been made, you have to do the right thing and accept the consequences/make the hard choices that you need to make (i.e. not be a cake-eater for example!-or get a D when you realise your M is not working), so that things are put right. The point is, the kids don't even HAVE to be told, but decisive action and facing up to responsibilities is definitely required.

 

....but unfortunately it often comes to the OW needing to force his hand as the MM is too weak or selfish to do it himself.

[Jinxx]

 

Your relationship with him isn't over and thus you are still in the position of every OW.

 

 

Sorry but you are wrong -- it is over. I am not waiting around or stuck still being the OW -- I am an XOW. If he does end his marriage (when pigs fly) and I'm not in a relationship with someone else at that time and he chooses to contact me then who knows what will happen. But I will not go out of my way to hurt his family members or mine because him and I chose to enter into the affair we did.

[whichwayisup]

if the OW tells the W, then she's no longer keeping herself in a destructive relationship, as she wouldn't be waiting years for the MM to leave...

 

But why can't an OW get herself OUT of the destructive relationship with MM on her own, without having to tell his wife, so then the affair for sure is over? Why not just go to therapy, talk it out, get the strength to end it and stay away from MM? She got herself into the affair, knowing he was married. Again, the thoughts of telling his wife about their affair never is a though in the head while the affair is going good - It only becomes an issue when the affair goes on the decline, only then it seems the desire to tell the wife. My mind can't wrap around that part...

 

Isn't it just best to remove yourself from him and his life, and not care what happens to him? Not get involved in his marriage by telling his wife? Let him deal with whatever emotions he feels on his own.

[whichwayisup]

....but unfortunately it often comes to the OW needing to force his hand as the MM is too weak or selfish to do it himself.

 

But if she really wants out, then she must take control of her life and end it, walk away. To rely on telling the wife just so the affair will end and he'll leave OW alone isn't rashional. (spelling? Geez, that word doesn't look right.)

[stillafool]

Whichwayisup is correct. It is up to the OW to remove herself from the affair as she is just as guilty as the MM. Even though I have to say it seems when the OW tells the W it pisses off the MM and his marriage gets stronger and they both turn on the OW. So the way I see it is the OW just hurts herself by telling the wife. The OW normally is not telling the W about the affair because she feels the W deserves to know the truth, but to get the H to leave and he usually doesn't.

[puddleofmud]

One can't know the BS exact situation, either.

Heaven only knows what may be going on in HER life at the time--she could be dealing with other very difficult things such as a sick child, a terminally ill parent, having problems at work, etc.

Who could know?

One could possibly place more burden.

All one may be thinking of is one's own feelings/ situation and even if one feels that the "wife" should know--how could one really know the best timing for HER--the wife?

Though what may have happened to us, as OW, may be horrifically emotional-- that may be just where "we" are.

There is no way to guage where another may be, emotionally.

I feel that there is not such thing as "when" because if one does this then one is responsible for "whatever" .

Guess it depends on how one feels about being responsible for another's feelings as well as possibly their ENTIRE life.

Though MM may be a total a-hole and acted irresponsibly and without respect doesn't mean that one need do same...

[Ripples]

Sorry but you are wrong -- it is over. I am not waiting around or stuck still being the OW -- I am an XOW. If he does end his marriage (when pigs fly) and I'm not in a relationship with someone else at that time and he chooses to contact me then who knows what will happen. But I will not go out of my way to hurt his family members or mine because him and I chose to enter into the affair we did.

 

You really don't see the contradiction in that, do you?

[sb129]

I wondered that myself.

 

Hows things Ripples?