Ripples Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Why is it that the OW (I haven't seen any OM wanting to tell the BH) only seem to want to tell the BW when things are not going their way. i.e. when the MM has pissed them off, maybe by dumping them?
Catharsis Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Because it's human nature. If someone hurts you, you want to hurt that person back. And one way to hurt a MM is to make his life miserable by telling his W. MM should have thought of that before he lied and manipulated all the women in his life.
Author Ripples Posted March 6, 2007 Author Posted March 6, 2007 You don't think that's somewhat childish, vindictive and certain to backfire? You don't think that, as an OW, one should think of being hurt before sleeping with and getting emotionally involved with a MM? It's human nature to f*ck around, but most tend to be able to rise above that desire. Oh wait...
Catharsis Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 You don't think that's somewhat childish, vindictive and certain to backfire? You don't think that, as an OW, one should think of being hurt before sleeping with and getting emotionally involved with a MM? It's human nature to f*ck around, but most tend to be able to rise above that desire. Oh wait... Speaking for myself, I never slept with my xMM (except when we were dating back in college). He did try to manipulate me into bed and I didn't even go there. But I still would like to tell his W about his multiple affairs with countless young women just because I think it's wrong and disgusting. He is lying to his entire family and circle of friends about being an honorable, upstanding, trustworthy member of his community, when in reality he is a liar and a cheater with zero integrity.
Kwo-ne'-she Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Why is it that the OW (I haven't seen any OM wanting to tell the BH) only seem to want to tell the BW when things are not going their way. i.e. when the MM has pissed them off, maybe by dumping them? Possibly because they are half-hoping that if the BW is told, she will dump him, and he might come to them?
Author Ripples Posted March 6, 2007 Author Posted March 6, 2007 I guess the point I'm making Kwo-ne'-she, is the timing of the telling. Why not tell the wife when everything is going swimmingly for the OW and MM?
Jinxx Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Why is it that the OW (I haven't seen any OM wanting to tell the BH) only seem to want to tell the BW when things are not going their way. i.e. when the MM has pissed them off, maybe by dumping them? As an XOW totally hurting right now because of XMM.... that is the farthest thing from my mind wanting to tell the BS so I don't know why some OW feel the need to do this. Vindictive personality or revenge? I just don't know. For myself, no need to tell. I like his wife and his kids so why should they suffer because of this, my kids too. Why hurt other people because of the relationship XMM and I shared.
Guest Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 I guess the point I'm making Kwo-ne'-she, is the timing of the telling. Why not tell the wife when everything is going swimmingly for the OW and MM? When things are going well with the OW and MM, she has him. When she fears losing him, or has lost him, maybe she is grasping at straws, and hopes that by telling the BW, she can be there to catch him if the W dumps him.
outofdarkness Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 As a BW, I have said before that I firmly believe the W should be told...BUT, I think HOW and WHEN it's told and by WHOM is very important. Unfortunately, A's are filled with lots of drama and raw emotion, so it's not always possible or realistic to actually sit and PLAN out how, when, etc., it's going to be told. It totally depends on the circumstances, personalities, involved, etc..I mean, lets face it, just like any group of people, OW's, MM's and W's all have different personalities... I can see why it's important to an OW to tell the W if she is hoping for her MM to dump his W and make it permenant w/ her, but I can also see why an OW w/ a vindictive and vengeful attitude, would want to tell out of anger and spite. It is human nature to want to hurt those who have hurt us...The sad thing is that in MOST cases, not ALL, the W and kids are not aware of the A, yet have no choice but to take the fallout from it. What I wish more then anything is that my H had been able to be honest with me himself about the whole thing. It really is the H's responsibility to tell his W, but we all know how THIS goes. They will lie, lie lie...just to cover their butts, and they dont' care when they're in the throws of it, who they hurt, as long as their needs are being met. This is just a general opinion. I do know from reading this forum, that there are exceptions to the rule...So please, those of you who have R's that have worked out for you and your mm, don't take offense. I know that sometimes, it's just meant to be and unfortunately, someone is going to get hurt along the way. That doesn't mean that they won't see that it's better in the long run. It's just hard to see that when you're hurting and reeling so much from the betrayal, lies, etc...
herenow Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Hey Ripples, Very good question. I think there are many answers. One answer may be that misery love company. We have seen many OW on this board ask "why should I be the only one hurting?". OW who tell the wife when the affair is over do it so that they can hurt others. They don't see that it's their own choices and actions that caused their hurt. They just want to blame others and if that means that they destroy lives in the process, so be it. Don't get me wrong, I believe that the MM should be the one to make amends, but the OW is just as responsible. I see the point that you are making in the timing. Yes, if the OW is doing it to let the wife know for her own good, then why not tell when the affair begins? I think that most OW know that if they tell the wife, MM will be mad and either go back to his wife, or maybe move on to another OW. Just like the MM, the OW is only doing what is best for her. If it serves the OW to tell the wife, they she will do it, but if there is a risk that the OW will not gain in some way, she won't. Lets face it, if the OW cared anything about the wife, she wouldn't be having sex with her husband in the first place. IMO, everything that both the MM and the OW do in an affair is to serve their own selfish desires. 1
cbl Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 in some case it is the only way to stop the MMs from continuing the affair. even so, some MMs still keep coming back... what to do? what to do?
herenow Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 in some case it is the only way to stop the MMs from continuing the affair. even so, some MMs still keep coming back... what to do? what to do? Is there any reason the OW is not capable of stopping the affair herself?
cbl Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Is there any reason the OW is not capable of stopping the affair herself? don't know the reason as i am not the MM myself. but what about MM stalking OW at her place and her office after OW tells MM that she wants to end the affair? even after telling the wife, the MM still keeps coming back, phone calls, text meesages, emails, waiting around...the wife couldn't stop it either... or maybe she doesn't want it to stop? don't know....
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Why is it that the OW (I haven't seen any OM wanting to tell the BH) only seem to want to tell the BW when things are not going their way. i.e. when the MM has pissed them off, maybe by dumping them? That's the thing that I don't get. While the affair is good, or just starting up, there seems to be NO thought or desire to tell MM's wife. Then, when the affair starts to not be good, the OW feels bad, isn't getting what she used to get out of the affair, and the MM starts distancing himself, she then wants to spill the beans to his wife to make sure HE suffers like her.
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 in some case it is the only way to stop the MMs from continuing the affair. even so, some MMs still keep coming back... what to do? what to do? You slap a restraining order on MM if he doesn't leave you alone. That's harrassment, if a relationship of any kind is over, and one party keeps calling, showing up, emailing...That in itself should be enough to make him realize the affair is over and the OW wants nothing to do with him. 1
norajane Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 That's the thing that I don't get. While the affair is good, or just starting up, there seems to be NO thought or desire to tell MM's wife. Then, when the affair starts to not be good, the OW feels bad, isn't getting what she used to get out of the affair, and the MM starts distancing himself, she then wants to spill the beans to his wife to make sure HE suffers like her. At the start of the affair, the OW is falling in love. The last thing she wants to do is a) hurt MM, and yes, she knows telling his W will cause trouble for him, b) piss off MM, and yes, she knows telling his W will likely make him very angry, and c) end the affair, and yes, she knows telling his wife will likely make MM run far away from the OW. Her hope is that if she continues in the affair long enough, his love for OW will make him want to leave his wife, especially since he's probably been telling OW how bad his marriage is and what a witch his wife is and how unhappy he is. If she spills the beans too soon, he might not quite be so in love with OW yet that yes, he would actually dump her. At the end of the affair, well, at that point, OW has seen that the MM is a slug and a) wants to hurt him back, b) wants to destroy his marriage because why should he have comfy home to go to when OW is alone, and c) justifies this revenge motive with concern for his W. In some cases, at the end of the affair, OW might truly have realized MM is a slug and does actually believe his wife should know for her own protection, but OW didn't believe he was a slug when she was in with him and believed that it was his W who was the slug in their relationship and didn't deserve to know the truth.
sb129 Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 You don't think that's somewhat childish, vindictive and certain to backfire? You don't think that, as an OW, one should think of being hurt before sleeping with and getting emotionally involved with a MM? It's human nature to f*ck around, but most tend to be able to rise above that desire. Oh wait... Aha! MOST..... Possibly because they are half-hoping that if the BW is told' date=' she will dump him, and he might come to them?[/quote'] Yeah I guess.... NoraJane sums it up pretty well. I threatened to tell exMMs wife a few times when the lies and promises wore a bit thin. But its amazing how many you will swallow.. Never again mooo haw haw i am free!
vanilla chai Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Why is it that the OW (I haven't seen any OM wanting to tell the BH) only seem to want to tell the BW when things are not going their way. i.e. when the MM has pissed them off, maybe by dumping them? Because they want the bw to be in hell too.
Trialbyfire Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 I'm not completely convinced there is much focus on the unknowing betrayed spouse. I would hope that the only time this would happen is if the betrayed spouse knows about the affair and is also lashing out. Most of the main reasons have already been stated, such as revenge on the MM by creating dissension between himself and the betrayed spouse or hoping the MM will be driven to decide in favour for the OW. It's a form of lashing out, just like the betrayed spouse lashes out upon finding out about the affair(s).
Jinxx Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 and c) end the affair, and yes, she knows telling his wife will likely make MM run far away from the OW. Her hope is that if she continues in the affair long enough, his love for OW will make him want to leave his wife, especially since he's probably been telling OW how bad his marriage is and what a witch his wife is and how unhappy he is. If she spills the beans too soon, he might not quite be so in love with OW yet that yes, he would actually dump her. At the end of the affair, well, at that point, OW has seen that the MM is a slug and a) wants to hurt him back, b) wants to destroy his marriage because why should he have comfy home to go to when OW is alone, and c) justifies this revenge motive with concern for his W. In some cases, at the end of the affair, OW might truly have realized MM is a slug and does actually believe his wife should know for her own protection, but OW didn't believe he was a slug when she was in with him and believed that it was his W who was the slug in their relationship and didn't deserve to know the truth. I guess I am one of the few that doesn't see it that way at all. XMM was always upfront with me. His wife is not a witch and I never expected him to leave, not for one minute. Maybe I'm just the exception, I don't know -- I don't have all the answers except I am the one hurting more than XMM or his wife because she doesn't know and never will unless XMM chooses to tell her. I find it so interesting to read these stories. Other then the fact we admit we are cheaters, every situation is different. And I don't think XMM is a slug, not at all. I think he is just in a comfort zone and truly loves his family, but something was lacking, something I was able to provide him with as he was to me. It was what was and is now in the past.
Guest Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 I guess I am one of the few that doesn't see it that way at all. XMM was always upfront with me. His wife is not a witch and I never expected him to leave, not for one minute. Maybe I'm just the exception, I don't know -- I don't have all the answers except I am the one hurting more than XMM or his wife because she doesn't know and never will unless XMM chooses to tell her. I find it so interesting to read these stories. Other then the fact we admit we are cheaters, every situation is different. And I don't think XMM is a slug, not at all. I think he is just in a comfort zone and truly loves his family, but something was lacking, something I was able to provide him with as he was to me. It was what was and is now in the past. maybe that's cuz you're not over him yet? i think that maybe when you finally are you'll feel the way norajane said. right now you still want something from him so you don't want to see him clearly yet. it takes time but you'll get there.
norajane Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 I never expected him to leave, not for one minute. I think that's what makes the difference, why you aren't at all interested in telling his wife. You weren't banking on a future with him, so whatever you are feeling at the end of your A, it isn't disppointment that he let you down by being wishy washy about leaving, or that he didn't "choose you over her".
cbl Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 You slap a restraining order on MM if he doesn't leave you alone. That's harrassment, if a relationship of any kind is over, and one party keeps calling, showing up, emailing...That in itself should be enough to make him realize the affair is over and the OW wants nothing to do with him. Thanks. But RO's don't work that efficient in my country and it might cost him his job. Considering he's the sole financial source in his family I did not pursue this option. I had to do a few things to put things to an end and it was peaceful in the past couple of weeks. But he just called me at my office a few minutes back while I walked into the office and it just made me feel so mad
cbl Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 I think that's what makes the difference, why you aren't at all interested in telling his wife. You weren't banking on a future with him, so whatever you are feeling at the end of your A, it isn't disppointment that he let you down by being wishy washy about leaving, or that he didn't "choose you over her". i agree with you but only thing about this is that the decision of MM choosing the wife over OW is made in the beginning and for any girl involved in this kind of affair could openly talk about his marriage, kids, wife and things get very complicated once the OW is in the end emotionally and physically involved. it is an disappointment being put as the second. and that disappointment in some OW's case might lead to the intention of wanting to tell the wife. that's why it is never good to be involved in an affair. whether it's a conscious decision or not. expectations do build up in the end. not only about MMs leaving the marriage. but also about MMs calling and meeting and treating OW nicely and fairly.
Salicious Crumb Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 You don't think that's somewhat childish, vindictive and certain to backfire? You don't think that, as an OW, one should think of being hurt before sleeping with and getting emotionally involved with a MM? It's human nature to f*ck around, but most tend to be able to rise above that desire. Oh wait... Uh oh Ripples....do be careful...you're now skating on thin ice.
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