Guest Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 I am going to file for divorce very soon. I was married to an emotionally abusive man for 7 years, he also has mental illness (either depression or bipolar) and he is not wanting to really "face his demons" and get better and I can't live like this anymore. I have gone through alot of emotions and am starting to face that I am living with the "fantasy" of him and not what he really is. I have come to terms with not growing old with him and I really want the best for him. I just can't be with him. It's truly a sad moment for me. We have been having problems for years but it all "hit the fan" about a year ago. We have been seperated for about 6 months and I am coping. I also have met a man that I started to hang out with as friends and it has developed into feelings. I know all the books and talk about rebounds but this man is too perfect for me to ignore. I decided "upon convincing by my therapist" to stop hanging out with this other guy while I end my marriage. Problem is I am in love with this guy and miss him terribly. He is very compatible with me and I didn't go out searching for him, we just happened. He has been so great throughout this whole ordeal and said he would wait as long as he had to for me to "heal" but I can't imagine why I have to stop talking with him. Both my father and his mother, saw people while they divorced and they are both still in the relationships and are very happy with there respective partners. I know there are many different opinions on this but I wanted some feedback on other experiences. Thanks
MoonGirl Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Hi guest, Your therapist is probably worried that you're on the rebound or that your new man also has some "red flags" that you might be ignoring because you're lonely and want to be with someone in order to feel whole. Is your therapist a man or a woman? I also left my verbally/emotionally/physically abusive husband a month ago. I started seeing a wonderful man 5 months BEFORE I left him (I know...not the best idea, but...) This man made me realize how wonderful, respectful, and caring a relationship could be...a far cry from what I had with my husband. My therapist was thrilled I had someone so supportive and caring in my life. Only YOU can know what is best for you, but you need to decide wisely. Make sure this new man is a wonderful man...respectful, caring, not abusive in any way, etc. I don't see anything wrong with being with him if he is so wonderful. Why let him go simply because someone else thinks you should? So you can suffer some more in life?
Lor Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Only you know what you feel and what's right for you. Don't listen to anyone telling you that its too soon or a rebound. If he makes you happy, if he's supportive and good for you, then don't stop seeing him ~ its detremental. Besides, you're not marrying this other guy tomorrow, right? You're allowed to be happy.
Jinxx Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Only you know what you feel and what's right for you. Don't listen to anyone telling you that its too soon or a rebound. If he makes you happy, if he's supportive and good for you, then don't stop seeing him ~ its detremental. Ditto! Follow your heart. Time for you to be happy.
Ladyjane14 Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 I have to disagree with the concept of "following your heart". Your better bet is to follow your personal values system, your own code of ethics. If you feel like what you're doing is morally right in accordance with your own sense of personal accountability, then you're on solid ground. If you don't... well, that's something else. Wherever you go, there you are. So, make sure you're comfortable living in your own skin. It's not like you can get away from yourself. Self-respect is the key, and at the end of the day YOU choose which behaviors you respect and which you don't. After that, it's a simple matter of adhering to your own rules of conduct.
ilmw Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 I have to disagree with the concept of "following your heart". Your better bet is to follow your personal values system, your own code of ethics. If you feel like what you're doing is morally right in accordance with your own sense of personal accountability, then you're on solid ground. If you don't... well, that's something else. Wherever you go, there you are. So, make sure you're comfortable living in your own skin. It's not like you can get away from yourself. Self-respect is the key, and at the end of the day YOU choose which behaviors you respect and which you don't. After that, it's a simple matter of adhering to your own rules of conduct. That was a really good post... "to they own self be true" eh??
dropdeadlegs Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 It is common during major life changes for those who are guiding you through those times to suggest being alone and not getting involved. I think there is some value in that, but ultimately the choice is really up to you and your comfort level. Coming out of abusive areas in life whether inflicted by another, as in your case; or to oneself, as in an addiction; it is suggested to work on yourself because your past choices haven't been good and you need to find out what caused them in order to stop a possible cycle. Immersing yourself in a new relationship can be exhilarating but can slow down your personal progress and growth by making you concentrate on the relationship instead of yourself. All that said, it's still your life to live!
MassiveAtom Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Okay, lets say through no fault of your own, you suffer a deep, bloody gash in your abdomen. Would you invite a stranger to stitch up your abdomen gash?? Even if they were the most supportive and caring person could find. Would you let them???? Probably not... Well, except in the case that the person is a Professional Abdomen Gash Stitcher, Then you'd be well advised to go to seek their services. Divorce is strange.... you think it's okay but you have to heal from it anyway. You have wounds to lick. I don't know about you, but I don't want just anyone else licking my wounds for me. ewwww!!!! They might get infected. Of course, if there are Professional wound lickers out there...mmmmm, no... still gross. ah well, It's just a messy bunch of Metaphors and analogies...Somewhere in there is a point.
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