Sonitas Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 This "trial separation" has been a roller coaster of emotions. Full of fear, disapointment, releif and hope. Over the whole separation we have pretty much spent almost every weekend together have gotten along really well, had some laughs and alot of tears. Over the past while I have been daydreaming and thinking of telling my husband that I want to move back and give this another try. I can just feel his hug and what happyness it would bring to him and our children of course. Yet there is a doubt that I cannot shake. Doubt that these feelings that there is "something" missing from our relationship that will never be there. Wonder of what it would like to be in someone elses company. The last thing I want to end up in is an affair because needs are not being met and proper communication is not there. I feel like I either need to let him go or start working on making this marriage work, yet I can't seem to bring myself to do either! Any advice or wise words?? Thanks!
redfathom Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 I do not have any advice because I am in the same boat so just I wanted to say that I understand and I am sorry because I know what it feel like to be torn.
Author Sonitas Posted March 5, 2007 Author Posted March 5, 2007 I do not have any advice because I am in the same boat so just I wanted to say that I understand and I am sorry because I know what it feel like to be torn. That is exactly how I feel "torn".....I am loyal to my H, I think it is beautiful when people celebrate anniversaries and look back at how far they have come. But at the same time I stare out the window questioning myself, my love for him...sometimes even asking myself if I even know what love is?
redfathom Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 I understand, I think...I love my H so much and I want this life with him. Then I think, what would I do if it was just me, what would my place look like, where would I live, where would I travel, who would I spend time with. I am torn between wanting to do things for me and see what life can hold for me and being with my H and going about this as normal. This weekend we were fighting and he does this a lot, he will bring up what he sees for us on the future (what he has picked out) that we would have a motor home and travel and have kids and go on vacation's ect. I told him this weekend that I was not sure if I wanted those things anymore. I am not sure if I ever wanted them. He asked me what i did want and I said I am not sure, that I want to find out. How old are you and how long have you been together? I have to say I told him that I enjoy worrying about me and not having to worry about where I put my shoes or if I leave dirty dishes in the sink. I like being responible for me. I too am not sure if I love him like I used to and if my new love for him is enough.
Author Sonitas Posted March 5, 2007 Author Posted March 5, 2007 I understand, I think...I love my H so much and I want this life with him. Then I think, what would I do if it was just me, what would my place look like, where would I live, where would I travel, who would I spend time with. I am torn between wanting to do things for me and see what life can hold for me and being with my H and going about this as normal. This weekend we were fighting and he does this a lot, he will bring up what he sees for us on the future (what he has picked out) that we would have a motor home and travel and have kids and go on vacation's ect. I told him this weekend that I was not sure if I wanted those things anymore. I am not sure if I ever wanted them. He asked me what i did want and I said I am not sure, that I want to find out. How old are you and how long have you been together? I have to say I told him that I enjoy worrying about me and not having to worry about where I put my shoes or if I leave dirty dishes in the sink. I like being responible for me. I too am not sure if I love him like I used to and if my new love for him is enough. I am 31, he is 35, we have two children 10 & 8 (9 & 11 this year!), we have been married for 11 years this April. We first got together when I was 14 & he was 18. I moved in before I graduated, I was engaged & living with him when I was in grade 12.
stockmos Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 It sounds as if you have some very deep-rooted problems in the relationship - questioning yourself and questioning what love look like like flags of a toxic relationship. Being away can also throw up some difficult emotions as it tends to fuel nostalgia and you also have some brief good moments together when it is easy to gloss over all the reasons you moved out in the first place. Of course one option to consider is couple counselling.
redfathom Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 I asked because, I am 24 and he is 30 and we have been together almost 10 years (10 years in Sept., since I was 15 and he was 20. So I have to say that I do understand. You and I never got to find out who we are and what we want. We immidetly took on an identity that was a RELATIONSHIP. I have been married since I was 18, three days before I graduated highschool and we have been living together ever since (well until two weeks ago). It is so hard when you spend all this time fulfilling someone else needs and at the time that is what you want also, then as you get older you think, is this what I really want. I don't know because I don't know what else is out there.
Author Sonitas Posted March 5, 2007 Author Posted March 5, 2007 It sounds as if you have some very deep-rooted problems in the relationship - questioning yourself and questioning what love look like like flags of a toxic relationship. Being away can also throw up some difficult emotions as it tends to fuel nostalgia and you also have some brief good moments together when it is easy to gloss over all the reasons you moved out in the first place. Of course one option to consider is couple counselling. We went to councelling back in November, then had another session in late January. The councellor asked for me to come back on my own, which I did a week later. SHe started off by saying that she asked me to come back on my own because she thinks that I hold back my feelings because I don't want to hurt him. That I feel dead inside and I don't want to subject him to a painful heartbreak. She hit that nail on the head! Session continued and she explained that I cannot continue to feel responsible for his happyness, that I need to live too..and so on. So that night I told him...it was horrible...I tried my hardest not to bawl my eyes out in front of the kids all the way home. By the time I got home my H had left a message on my phone apologizing for some hurtful things he had said to me. We talked some more he said he is not ready to take his ring off and quit on us. We need to keep trying. So here we are in the same "limbo" of living in separate homes, but still wearing rings, spending time together and so on... And I am scared that things will just return to the way that they once were. I am scared of being alone for the rest of my life if I let him go.
redfathom Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 This all sounds so familiar. I am seeing a counseloir on my own and we are planning on going together. I am so afraid to go beause some hurtful things will be said. I cry so much because I have hurt him. I am not afraid to be on my own but I am afraid of hurting him. I am so afraid that I put his feelings and needs before my own. We too live in seperate homes and spend the weekend together. I have not moved back because....I am afraid if I do things will fall back into comfortable, we will each take on the same role we are used to and nothing will get better. I so understand!
redfathom Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 My counselor says I need to stop protecting him and that I to am not responsible for his happiness. She says I am codependant and is sending me to a class for it. How can you love someone and not feel responsible for there feelings especially when you are the one hurting them.
Author Sonitas Posted March 5, 2007 Author Posted March 5, 2007 This all sounds so familiar. I am seeing a counseloir on my own and we are planning on going together. I am so afraid to go beause some hurtful things will be said. I cry so much because I have hurt him. I am not afraid to be on my own but I am afraid of hurting him. I am so afraid that I put his feelings and needs before my own. We too live in seperate homes and spend the weekend together. I have not moved back because....I am afraid if I do things will fall back into comfortable, we will each take on the same role we are used to and nothing will get better. I so understand! I just don't want to go through this again...ever! It is painful to hurt this way, and hurt the ones you care so deeply for. We went through this a few years back but I did not move out, I decided to stay and work on things. But things returned to the way they were, the way they always have been, but he says that this time it is different. I do beleive that he has changed. He no longer drinks, understands that all this time I just wanted to be a family and do things together, and have him take interest in my life. Although I do beleive that healthy relationships need quality time apart too(quilt free of course). I have been reading some books to try and understand "relationships" and what I can do to help. I am just as much responsible for this failure as he is. Unless I come back wit 100% I might as well not come back at all.
redfathom Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 I do not have an issue with drugs or alcohal, mine is porn addiction. I think he is getting better but it might be too little too late. I have been dealing with this for six years and now he wants to change. When I asked him why he did not want to before he said he felt that I was overracting. All I want is for us to be nice to each other. For him to listen to me and be concerned about my interests not tell me that he does not want to hear a play by play of my day. I just want a relationship in which we care about the other person and are nice.
Author Sonitas Posted March 5, 2007 Author Posted March 5, 2007 I do not have an issue with drugs or alcohal, mine is porn addiction. I think he is getting better but it might be too little too late. I have been dealing with this for six years and now he wants to change. When I asked him why he did not want to before he said he felt that I was overracting. All I want is for us to be nice to each other. For him to listen to me and be concerned about my interests not tell me that he does not want to hear a play by play of my day. I just want a relationship in which we care about the other person and are nice. He wants you to stay, yet he won't take the time to just listen? My H likes the porn too...I think he was bummed that I took the computer when I moved out so he could not surf it anymore....guess that's why he ordered the playboy channel after I left? Don't get me wrong...there is nothing wrong with it, I have watched plenty myself, but when it starts interupting a relationship it's not healthy.
redfathom Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Don't get me wrong...there is nothing wrong with it, I have watched plenty myself, but when it starts interupting a relationship it's not healthy. Neither do I. However, it did affect our relationship, that was the problem. When I told him I had an issue with it and us, he said "get over it." He told me last night that when I moved out he lost his mind and wanted to send me the following text message: Since you are gone is it okay if I explore my sexuality Instead he came home masterbated and used toys. Maybe he did lose his mind, to me porn is so comforting to him that he turned to it for support. Who knows. I am not really made about the porn thing, its the wanting to explore that bothers me. He wants me back but he wants to expolore his sexuality.
Author Sonitas Posted March 5, 2007 Author Posted March 5, 2007 Don't get me wrong...there is nothing wrong with it, I have watched plenty myself, but when it starts interupting a relationship it's not healthy. Neither do I. However, it did affect our relationship, that was the problem. When I told him I had an issue with it and us, he said "get over it." He told me last night that when I moved out he lost his mind and wanted to send me the following text message: Since you are gone is it okay if I explore my sexuality Instead he came home masterbated and used toys. Maybe he did lose his mind, to me porn is so comforting to him that he turned to it for support. Who knows. I am not really made about the porn thing, its the wanting to explore that bothers me. He wants me back but he wants to expolore his sexuality. What does he mean by "explore his sexuality", why can't he explore with you? It's much nicer to be with someone instead of a screen!
redfathom Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 With REAL men, transvestites, other women. Which I honestly do not mind him fantasizing about, it's the doing part of it. Not that he has, it's the maybe he will.
Author Sonitas Posted March 5, 2007 Author Posted March 5, 2007 Oh my....not sure what to say on that one. If my H wanted to do such things it would just asure me that I was doing the right thing and I could move on without looking back. If he wants to explore himself and you want no part of it, he is going to have to make a choice as to what is more important to him. On the flipside...he talks of travelling in a motor home with kids? Sounds like he is need of a little soul searching as well.
Guest Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 My husband and I have been seperated since november, I moved out with my son,from a previous marriage,living with family and ust purchased a condo and I am closing on fri.I have never been so scared and confused. My husband and I have been intimate maby times during this seperation and he has been very considerate in giving me 1/2 of everything we own, without an argument. I admit to this forum, that I made a mistake,mmarriages are never easy,it all boils down to your vows,for better for worse, til death do us part. I intend to work on saving this marriage,and its going to be very hard.We were both previously married, he has 3 kids,every other w/e and I have my son fulltime.we dealt with ex's and disiplining eachothers kids, and comparing how the other was traeting the others kids,it was a mess. But, we start counseling on tues and I am prepard to open up 100% in counseling to repair all that was ruined,not only by my actions,my insecuity but my fears. I cant imagine life without him,no matter how crazy it got.It will work if you want it, but you have to want it, and own up to your own responsibility in the failures.I am willing to do that-because this is my second marriage and I know a third would also be doomed because my issues were not managed,its going to be hard, and family is going to roll their eyes,but I don't care.
Recommended Posts