Guest Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 I am wondering if one of my college professors has been flirting with me – I think he is, but I haven’t been able to figure out if it’s harmless flirting to stroke his ego, or if he’s lusting after me to the point of sleeping with me if I agreed. WARNING: if you intend to moralize based on age difference, power differential or marital status, PLEASE don’t respond. I am interested in the experience of other men and women who know about men’s flirting behaviors more than I do. So, I am 25, he’s in his late 30s. No problem there, at least for me. I have noticed him checking me out and looking over someone else’s shoulder after class, from his desk, as I was getting ready to leave. When I was walking towards the library once, I spotted him from a pretty long distance, he seemed to be leaving. I went to the ladies’ room, then walked to where he had been…and then he walked right by me and said hi (he had obviously waited there). We had a quick talk where I asked about a class I’d missed, it was very polite, but we had good chemistry. Then I asked for help with a presentation for his class, he offered to help me find the material since I couldn’t from my computer at home. So, after class, we went to his office…when we were walking there, this kid had tagged along and kept trying to make conversation…He barely answered, I didn’t say a word either. I had the feeling that the professor thought the kid was “intruding”…When we were looking at the material in his office, he ran across a text and said “Oh, look at this, I hadn’t even seen it!” (it was about an author we are currently studying. It had a really racy poem on the cover, that he started reading (basically, about sexual desire and adultery… “sensual fires” smothering and having to be kept under control). I said it was interesting, but that was it. He didn’t follow up on the discussion. But he had obviously seen that before!! He went straight to the page that had it… In another conversation in his office (small campus, students do this all the time), we were talking about other professors’ exam styles, he said something about how he did it and added, with a smile:” I guess I don’t play by the rules…”. I never know what to say to things like these, because they sound like he’s dropping hints, but I can never talk back. Another day, he was explaining to me the difficulty between what some authors wanted to do with their language, and what they actually could do with it…then he said “It’s one of those things…you can dream about it, but you can’t have it…”. It was the intonation of his voice that gave it away and made me suspicious. I was taking notes at the time (on his desk, it was during the office visit), so I wasn’t looking at him…But it sounded out of place with what he was explaining. Again, I couldn’t talk back! Then, there was the staring during the exam…I caught him blatantly staring at me 3 times. The first one, I stared back but he just kept going…I couldn’t! I felt shy, so I looked down…But it lasted for about 5 seconds, which I think is a lot longer than a look should last. There wasn’t anyone sitting next to me, so he wasn’t thinking I’d cheat, either! Sorry this is so long, but here is my question…Doesn’t this seem like heavy-duty flirting, instead of it being just something that would stroke an older man’s ego (he obviously finds me attractive, that much I know for sure – not because I’m conceited, but because of how he looks at me). How do I know if he actually wants to take things to the next level?? I don’t know how to go about it. P.S.: Again, advice about the case only, PLEASE! I don’t need to hear about how wrong and risky and awful it would be.
LN99 Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 I'm in a similiar situation and Im the same age as you and he is a few yrs younger then your professor. Either way, doesn't make a difference. I have noticed simliar things you have. Is your professor married or in a relationship? Mine is in a relationship, but not married. I know what you mean about the chemistry. I know you can tell when talking to someone if its there or not....and it definately is. The only thing I see wrong about this is that when someone who is doing all this is in any type of authority over you( controls your grades etc), it kinda makes things complicated. If you are interested in him, pursue things after his class is over. Unfortunately for me, I am stuck with mine for another 18 months. So in that time anything worth pursuing could really jeoprodize my future, and his. So I figure in that time, if someone else comes along, great. But in the end, I wanna know if Im crazy or not. I certainly don't think you are. But then again, you have your future to think about. The semester ends in a few months right? If anything happens, it will and SHOULD happen then.
Guest Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 That's so interesting! You're in the same boat...It's so tough. I can't believe you have to wait 18 months!! I couldn't. But, in my case, I keep lusting after him and he obviously does the same. But anyway, this is my very last semester...I'll be graduating in May. So no worries about my academic career. I don't want to wait, though. I keep having these fantasies about making out in his office, LOL My doubt is about whether or not he would risk it. He wants me, I'm pretty sure (and he can tell I want him too), but there's definitely the sexual harassment issue/danger, which is an incredibly paternalistic rule, but I won't go into that. Why is it so easy to be attracted to people you should NOT be attracted to????! I can't figure out if I should go after him or if I should wait for him to make a move.
Crush4ever Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 I tried to reply earlier, but it didn't work...So, here it goes: first of all, interesting that you're going through the same thing, and I can definitely understand the feeling of wondering if you're crazy and just imagining things!! But anyway, this is my last semester, I'll be graduating in May, so my academic career really isn't a concern (it wouldn't jeopardize anything). If it happened, it would be a fling between two people who are obviously lusting after each other! I am very sure of my academic abilities (really good GPA) and doing really well in all my classes, so this aspect of it (his authority) doesn't bother me. But my hesitation comes from wondering if HE would take the chance...My whole point is if a man would be doing all that he's doing, but not hoping to take it to the next level. I have to be honest, if he only wants an ego boost, that's REALLY cruel, because I keep having these fantasies about making out in his office, LOL Another reason why I don't want to wait until the semester is over. It would be really satisfying to have it be risky and dangerous (yes, I know this is a stupid attitude, but I want him a little too much to care!). Thanks for the reply, and it's really too bad you and your prof can't do anything about it for now!!
LN99 Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Ok..I see what you mean. But, if anyone finds out about the two of you, it could make for a lot of problems! They would be suspicious about your grades etc. The whole favortism thing comes into effect etc. Plus, him breaking rules and same for you. Anyways, as for what your professor wants from you, who knows? Maybe its the thrill of can't having you, that he wants you? Maybe he would want you anyways? Sometimes I wish we could hop into their minds and see what they really are after! Anyways, do you know if he is in a relationship or married? (You still didn't answer that.) Does he share anything about his personal life with you?
norajane Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 I wouldn't call that heavy flirting at all. In fact, you could be reading too much into it because you want him to be seriously flirting, but, at most, I think it's just a mild interest, if you're right about the chemistry. Older men like looking at younger women, especially if they are attractive. I doubt he has any intention of taking it further, but he'll certainly be willing to enjoy the ego boost if you flirt with him.
Trialbyfire Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Men do enjoy looking and flirting with attractive young women at any age. To generalize, many of them would hit it, if presented with the opportunity at the right place and time.
sunshinegirl Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 I think I'm with Nora on this one. It sounds like mild flirting. Then again, if you left out any details like when he said some of those lines he was staring into your eyes with mouth slightly open, licking his lips, panting, or touching you, I might change my mind. And, not to moralize, but: I'm less concerned about the consequences to you if this goes anywhere, but extremely concerned about the consequences to HIM. Depending on your academic institution's policies and rules, he could be fired for fraternizing with a student. Would you want that to happen to him?
LN99 Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 I totally understand that you can't help who you are attracted to. I mean look at my situation....its pretty simliar. But I still say you should wait until AFTER his class is over to pursue anything(if you decide to or he does.)
Crush4ever Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Ha! That's funny. Actually, there have been multiple instances of his staring into my eyes, and licking his lips, and leaning in really close over his desk to where I was. Also, all the questions about my values, about my personal life (something along the lines of..."I don't know anything about your life yet, but..." I did not take the bait, though). He shares about his life, too, about his preferences, etc. We both seem pretty equal in asking and answering questions. Then, every time he knows I'm in the student lounge, he'll leave his office, walk by a couple of times, stare at me while he's doing it...The other day he actually walked by, had his back to me, then turned his head, looked over his shoulder and gave me a REALLY hot look. I had to smile, I couldn't help it. Also, his office is straight across the hall from the elevator, the one I have to take to go to class. Every time I walk in, when the door to his office is open, he will be watching me get in and just stare at me until the elevator door closes... One of the more telling things he did, though, was start discussing a text we won't be reading for another 3 weeks. He said "Let me tell you the story of " ". It's this servant girl who has a master who thinks she's cute...He's really attracted to her but there is this difference between them...of class..." (then he paused for a second) - " but I think the interesting part of the book is the issue of a relationship when there is a difference of authority between the two people involved...". Then, he went on to explain how he "couldn't wait" to start that book...I know it's hard to picture it just from words, but I could definitely tell something from his tone of voice and from the way he was conducting the conversation. You guys could be right - it's very probable that he would be at least hesitant to take things forward because of the risk, and I'm fine with that. But the flirting is definitely fun! Oh, and I don't know about his relationship status, or if there is one. No ring anywhere, but if he's attracted to me, I doubt it that he would mention another woman! If he does, then it's probably because he wouldn't do anything after all. But it hasn't happened yet.
Topper Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Is it just me or is this starting to sound like more reseach for a " Book" ?
Guest Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Is it just me or is this starting to sound like more reseach for a " Book" What does this even mean?!
Walk Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Is it just me or is this starting to sound like more reseach for a " Book" ? Yeah. very. My bet.. you want a father figure. And regarding that book he was referring to, with the servant and the master type scenario.... maybe next time you're talking with him you could ask him if he ever ventures into the "non-fiction" side of life. If you like the servant role, then power to you... but, real world relationships don't work so well when there's that type of contrast in authority. Oh, wait.. you only wanted positive reinforcement in response... my bad.
Crush4ever Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 My bet.. you want a father figure. Oh sure. The age-old misogynistic, simplistic view that a woman who's attracted to an older man wants a father figure and security. Not that it matters that much, but in my case, my parents have been married for 32 years, my father has always been EXTREMELY supportive and I really don't have any issues in that department. As for the usual assumption that security (emotional or financial) is the main attraction, I have been financially independent since I was 21, I own my own business and I definitely don't need a man (young or old) for security. It always amazes me when people are so quick to jump to cliches...Thanks for your view, but it definitely doesn't apply here. Is it really so hard to believe that there can be LUST between two people even when their ages aren't close?! Because that's definitely my take on it in this case. And regarding that book he was referring to, with the servant and the master type scenario.... maybe next time you're talking with him you could ask him if he ever ventures into the "non-fiction" side of life. If you like the servant role, then power to you... but, real world relationships don't work so well when there's that type of contrast in authority. Who said anything about a relationship?! Please, I'm 25! I am talking about a sexual relationship, not a guy to date. I have never wanted a relationship from him, we're just really attracted to each other. Nothing else, no feelings or strings attached. I definitely don't need that right now! Oh, wait.. you only wanted positive reinforcement in response... my bad. I don't need positive reinforcement at all...I was simply asking for people's opinions, but I can understand that some people have a REALLY hard time not pointing fingers or criticizing.
Trialbyfire Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Crush4ever, when you ask for opinions, you will get opinions you don't like or necessarily agree with. Why you let it affect you and allow things to put you on the defensive, only you know. Overall, I'm sure you're a bright and beautiful girl. Work to your strengths, not your weaknesses.
Walk Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 Oh sure. The age-old misogynistic, simplistic view that a woman who's attracted to an older man wants a father figure and security. It always amazes me when people are so quick to jump to cliches...Thanks for your view, but it definitely doesn't apply here. Is it really so hard to believe that there can be LUST between two people even when their ages aren't close?! Because that's definitely my take on it in this case. So.. let me get this right... If this guy was a custodian at your university, you would still be as attracted to him, and want in his pants? It has nothing to do with authority or power? You find other men in your age group, and social/economic class as desirous and attractive as this professor? Or cut to the chase.. you want this guy because he's in a position of authority over you, and you find that hot? I dont' care whether you want to bang the guy or not.. I just wish you'd be honest about your motives.
Crush4ever Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 I know I posted this thread a long time ago, but now the semester is finally over, and I am sooooooo happy it wasn't deleted. I am happy because, unlike what some people thought (like Nora Jane), my professor WAS, in fact, interested. And, maybe she hasn't been around college professors that much, hence the comment about it not being heavy duty flirting...Yeah, right. And, a lot more happened after that, which only made me have more and more confidence that he did want an affair (which is all I want too, so it's fine)! Finally, he asked me out two days ago, and I said yes...We'll be going out at the end of this week, after finals are done.... So, I am trying really hard to avoid an "in your face" reply...But it feels good to be right. Not to mention that, judging by the responses I got, this is definitely not a site frequented by people who are good judges of situations...so, I won't be coming back. Just wanted to enter an end to this thread, and establish that some people who think of themselves as all-knowing can be sooo very wrong.
norajane Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 I am happy because, unlike what some people thought (like Nora Jane), my professor WAS, in fact, interested. And, maybe she hasn't been around college professors that much, hence the comment about it not being heavy duty flirting...Yeah, right. Only for 6 years while I was in college and graduate school. I'm glad you're happy at the outcome, though I don't know why it matters to you so much that I said it didn't sound like heavy duty flirting based on your original post. And, a lot more happened after that, which only made me have more and more confidence that he did want an affair (which is all I want too, so it's fine)! Since you mention "affair", I assume this professor is married. I'm sure his wife won't think it's all fine, BUT... WARNING: if you intend to moralize based on age difference, power differential or marital status, PLEASE don’t respond. ...in light of your warning, I shall refrain from any all-knowing comments about embroiling yourself in an affair with a MM.
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