taylor Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 It's been 7 months since my ex-boyfriend dumped me to try to rekindle his relationship with his former girlfriend (it didn't work). Since then I've been trying to let go and move on. I've stayed busy with friends and activities. I have practiced NC since Sept. BUT periodically do run into him in social setting. When I do, he is always the one to approach. I keep the converstation short and make sure I am the first to walk away. I think NC has helped alot in my recovery process. But things have just gotten complicated. Not with him. But with his friends. I knew these two friends about 5 months before I met him. In fact, they were my friends before they became his friends, too. After he and I broke up, they both came to my rescue. They told him I deserved better and they actually stopped talking to him for a period of time because they were so upset with him. I told these friends I didn't want to cause problems between them and my ex and they both said for me not to worry about it. They said they were "bib boys" and could handle it. Since the break-up these two male friends have been very protective of me and very supportive. They have done so much to lift my spirits and boost my self-esteem - like a couple of male cheerleaders (!?) The three of us have done alot of fun things together (purely platonic) because we have alot of common interests (music, the outdoors, etc.). They have helped me to stay busy and keep my mind off of my ex. (I do have two very good girlfriends, but both are engaged and very tied up with their fiancees. Honestly, it's hard for me to be around them and hear how happy they are and to listen to their wedding plans even though I am going to be a bridesmaid in both of their weddings this summer.) Anyways, last October I sensed that each of these male friends may have started to develop some feelings for me. I talked with each of them. One admitted he was "very attracted" to me but understood I was not "available." I told him he didn't want to be a rebound guy and deserved better than that. The other one said he thought of me as a "little sister." I continued to hang out with them because I thought the boundaries were defined well enough that we could all remain friends. They invited me to their birthday parties (which I declined because I knew my ex would be there) and out for New Year's Eve, which I did accept. We had fun and there was no tension among any of us. Then things got wierd again in January. The friend that was "attracted" to me turned cold and distant all of a sudden. He got "too busy" to do anything together. He also started hanging out with my ex-boyfriend more. I can't even imagine what stories he may have filled my ex's head with even though our relationship was purely platonic. Then last week, the friend that thought of me as a "little sister" tried to put the moves on me. I was shocked. I told him, "We are friends. That's all we are and that's all we will ever be." He said I was being "ungrateful" - like I owed him something. He walked away. He didn't apologize. This past weekend I was out with one of my girlfriends and her fiancee. I ran into the friend who had turned cold and distanct. He asked, "So, what's going on between you and ______?" I replied, "Nothing. We are just friends. You know that." He responds, "That's not what I heard.." A couple minutes later my ex-boyfriend walks by me cold as ice (at the same club). He stares straight ahead - not even a glance or a quick hello (he's never done that before). Suddenly the whole room just turned chilly. I left. I don't want to see any of these people again. I trusted them all. I trusted that my ex-boyfriend loved me like I loved him. He didn't. I trusted that these two male friends were actually my friends and truly wanted to support me as I recovered from this break-up. They know how much it devastated me. They held my hand. They let me cry on their shoulders. They gave me a hug when I was down on myself, listened to me when I needed to vent, and gave me space when I wanted to be alone. They were there for me like no girlfriend of mine was. Now I am not sure what their real intentions were. No one seems to be who they say they are. I know what you are going to say - that I shouldn't have tried to remain friends with his friends. The thing is, they were my friends before they met him and I thought I could maintain those friendships despite the breakup. I just got done reading a thread on LS (general relationships) debating whether males and females could be "just friends." I always thought it was possible. Now I doubt it. So, anyways, now I am not only trying to "get over" losing my ex, I am trying to deal with losing two of my best friends - the ones who have really been there for me these past 7 months. I called a girlfriend last night to tell her what happened. She said, "Oh, you don't need them in your life" and then proceeded to tell me what a wonderful weekend she had with her fiancee. I just feel so alone. Just having a bad day. Sorry.
Kwo-ne'-she Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 While it is possible for males and females to have a strictly platonic friendship, (I am one who posted in the thread you mentioned) there are also cases where one person feels more than friendship, even if it is never mentioned. That is when things can become sticky. From your story, both of these men had feelings for you, and eventually admitted it to you. You handled it as best you could, explaining that you only liked them as friends. Sadly, they were unable to accept that. I have lost a couple of male friends like this, and understand how much it can hurt. The thing is, there is nothing you can do about it. If they aren't mature enough to have a friends-only relationship with you, that is a flaw in them. It will hurt awhile, but it gets easier, as does any loss.
oppath Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Wow, Taylor. When you give advice you are always so strong and encouraging; I hope people can do the same for you. I'm speechless though. I do have purely platonic friendships with females. This entire thing sounds weird and I have no explanations. I am going to try and nurture friendships with my ex's friends too though I only knew them for 1-2 months before her and we weren't buddies. I know it is not the most wise idea but we'll see what happens. I don't know what to say. It hurts to feel like you've lost these friends. That was my hang up too. Give them some space, they may yet apologize. You can't blame them if they were crushing on you, though you can blame them for handling it ungracefully. My heart goes out to you and I wish I had stronger words for you.
gonetildecember Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Hi Taylor, In my opinion it all comes down to immaturity. The one friend was probably hurt he got rejected and so he made up lies to make it seem like something was going on, to boost his ego to his friends, and shed a bad light on you. In now way were you being "ungreatful" because you didn't reciprocate his feelings.. you didn't know anything. I know its hard when everything in your friend's lives are going great, and you're trying to be happy for them, but it's hard to be when you feel like things aren't going good for yourself... but try to keep your chin up. I say cut your losses. It's hard to lose friends, but if they have trouble maintaining boundaries and respecting the "friendship" boundaries that you have in place, they were out to pursue their own self-interests anyways... Sorry you're feeling down I know the feeling :S
Author taylor Posted March 5, 2007 Author Posted March 5, 2007 Oppath, I have my good days and my bad days like everyone else here on LS. Today is just a bad one. If I have sounded "strong" in the past, part of the reason for that is because I have had a wonderful support system to help me through this recovery process. Now, two of my best friends in this support system have walked away. I don't blame them. But I am now forced to deal with loss on top of loss. I've known them since Oct. 2005 and thought our friendships were pretty solid. But I guess it was unfair and selfish of me to think I could lean on them so heavily for emotional support, especially after I knew their feelings toward me had changed. I just feel bad that these two friendships that I cherished so much are over. If we can no longer be friends, I will just have to accept that. I really don't expect any apologies even though I wish we all could have talked and parted on better terms. One has turned a cold, resentful shoulder. The other one walked away angry after I had to physically push him away from me. And I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does bother me that these two male friends may very well provide my ex-boyfriend with some embellished stories to save face and maintain their pride. I worry that my ex-boyfriend will think I let myself get passed from one to the other, which was not the case at all. None of it should really matter any more, but it still does because I still love him and I care about what he thinks of me. Three failed relationships (one romantic, two platonic) in 7 months. That's a record for me. I feel like a train wreck. But I do appreciate your gentle, empathetic words. Felt like a big hug. Thank you. Just out of curiosity...why are you establishing friendships with your ex-girlfriend's friends? Is it just to clear the air and remove awkwardness when you are in social situations with them? Or is it because you think they may be a route to re-connect with your ex? Or could you possibly find yourself attracted to one of the friends??? I'm learning, like the other poster noted on this thread - that being friends with the ex's friends can create a sticky, messy situation. uugghh.
oppath Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Well, one of my ex's friends sought me out after the break up. He's my friend now! Ha ha ha. Her friend too though. As for the others...I don't want there to be awkwardness in social situations. We play in the same sports league on Sundays. I don't want to give that up or give up going to the bar I've always gone to after games. And yes, at some level I am still hoping it reconnects me with my ex. I'm mad at myself for this. Both of us handled things poorly during the break up. I still love her. I burned the bridge and feel bad about it. Horrible and undignified actually. Looking back, I believe she did have feelings for me, but she got involved too soon (weeks after she ended a 5 year relationship on good terms and she tried staying "best" friends wtih him) and when he found out she was dating and tried to get her back, she realized it was too soon. I know there is a lot of mind reading there. I don't know the real reasons she dumped me. But I can empathize with her now that the pain has faded. I regret burning the bridge and saying harsh words when she later asked for FWB (2 weeks after she dumped me) and 2 weeks later when I learned about her ex, because I feel like I destroyed any chance of reconciliation. Rationally, I don't want someone who would make that request or not tell me about her ex in some way. I guess I'm trying to hold on to some hope of future reconcilation though I know it is irrational. So, yes, I want to be friendly with these people and I'd like a couple of them to be my friends. Someday I may meet someone through them. They were my friends for 2-3 months before I started dating my ex. I am prepared to walk away and am leaving town temporarily to give myself some distance from them. But when I return, I do want to play in this sports league, and there is a good chance my ex will be playing in it. Even if I can't hang out at the same bar any more because I wouldn't want to be around my ex, it would still be nice to be on good terms with her and her friends. And yeah, I haven't given up hope we could reconcile. I do believe she had feelings for me, but she is horrible at confrontation. Sorry if this was long. You'll be ok. These male friends did not hanlde things well. To make you feel guilty for rejecting them is wrong. It's not like you hooked up with them, and they professed feelings for you, and you were like "it's just sex." You did nothing wrong. I'm surprised at how they have acted. To call you ungrateful?!? I'll be your platonic friend! I don't cross those lines.
Author taylor Posted March 5, 2007 Author Posted March 5, 2007 Hi gonetildecember, Thank you for your post and kind words. I appreciated it. I'm usually not this down but today I feel like i fell in a sewer hole. Ahhh- tomorrow's another day, right? I guess if my two male friends have to put me in a bad light to make themselves feel better, I guess there is nothing I can do about it. I am surprised by their behavior, given the close friendships we have had, but in some ways I do understand their reaction. In other ways I don't. It hurts. I still miss them and wish things could be different. I'm still shivering from the chill my ex-boyfriend gave me when he walked by me Saturday night. Who knows what kind of images of me they planted in his head....UUGGHH. Also, I trusted them with some of my most personal thoughts and feelings regarding my relationship with my ex..and to think they would share all of that with my ex....UUGGHH again. Time for some chocolate.
oppath Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Taylor, I read your post from the end of January and it is amazing how similar our stories are (to an extent). My ex broke off a 5 year relationship a couple weeks before dating me. He moved away and wasn't making the commitment she wanted, but she kept claiming how the romance had been gone for nearly a year, it was a semi-sexless relationship for the last 6 months, and how she should have ended it sooner but she was so far in. At first she was hesitant to date, but the attraction was so strong. Soon she was pursuing me, feeding me lines like "I'm 85% sure you are the guy I'm going to marry; when you were climbing those rocks I imagined a little boy, our son following you; I adore you and am so lucky to be with you." I finally felt like I was in love at 27 for the first time since I was 20! We had spectacular sex, amazing conversations, and what I felt was true intimacy. Your earlier post strikes a chord: I would appreciate it if someone could put these comments together and make some sense out of them for me. Some questions that are haunting me: 1. Did he dump me to see if he had another chance with his ex-girlfriend or did he dump me because he rushed our relationship, got in over his head and then got scared he couldn't handle it? 2. Was I the rebound girl? Was I a replacement? Was I just a distraction until the old girlfriend came home for the summer? 3. Why did he get so involved with me if he still had such strong feelings for her? 4. Why wasn't he up front with me about this old girlfriend? 5. Why did he lead me on like he did? Why did he carry on so much about the future - love, engagement, marriage, babies, etc. if he didn't mean it? For what purpose? And how could he do such an about face and run so quickly? 6.What was he so afraid of? He was the one who appeared to want to move the relationship to the next level. He was the one who talked so much about "getting serious." He was the one who had suggested I move closer to him. I thought I was just following his lead. I was in no big hurry to get married. I just graduated from college and hadn't even found a job yet!? 7 Why did he tell everyone I was the one who got too serious when he is the one who led me on so much? 8. What does a divorced man feel like anyways? 9. How did he think he was going to "corrupt", "ruin'' and "spoil" me? This man does not do drugs, smoke or drink and he was very respectful of my wishes regarding our physical relationship. 10. What could I have done differently to have kept this relationship from taking such a drastic turn? I many these same questions and won't get answers. When I found out about her ex proposing 4 weeks after the break up, I emailed some very angry and hurtful words. I apologized several times and she never acknowledged me. I'm told she won't and there is nothing I can do to fix it. I'm resigned to no contact but here I sit, blaming myself for acting irrationally when she had me on a string the same way your ex did to you. It's tough because I too have mutual friends involved. I feel desperate at times for a response from her, an acknowledgement of my apology. I'm sure in her head she did nothing wrong and me accusing her of making me her rebound, calling her selfish for getting into a relationship when she wasn't ready and for asking for FWB, and for calling her pathetic and passive when I found out about her ex. I did cross the line with those comments and I did act undignified. I sit here heartbroken and blaming myself, resigned to no contact, desperate for her to say "it's ok. I understand why you reacted that way." But in the words of our mutual friend "what you really want to hear is for her to take just a fraction of the responsiblity for the **** thats happened, that you've already taken more than your share of. Thats not gonna happen. There was one night I tried talking, reasoning, appealing, arguing with her, trying to get her to see that she was wrong in not being honest with you about the breakup. but all my arguments were trumped by, "I live my life the way I live my life." Anyway, she's nice and considerate of others when it suits her or is easy. She's not always nice or considerate when its hard or if she has to question her "rightiousness." I empathize with you. I hate to threadjack, but I'm in the same situation, potentially losing mutual friends in addition to her. I'm not as far in as you, only 2 months. I tell myself "if only she would acknowledge my apology and say there are no hard feelings," I can move on. It will likely set me back, but I can't imagine seeing her without some prior acknowledgement that she has no hard feelings towards me. I really want to forgive her. In fact, she was in a tough place. She was not ready. She did have feelings for me -- I believe that now -- but it was too soon. She had not moved on. I empathize with her and forgive her, but because she has not forgiven me (I was mean!), I'm not moving on. Regardless, I admire your strength. You are a strong woman with a big heart. You are being a big person about the entire break up and have shown great maturity, more great than your ex and your "friends." Realize that you have your expectations of what is "right" in your head and that is how you live your life. Other people think they are right; they only act the way they do because they feel it is the right way to act. This doesn't mean they are right. But you control how you feel inside. It is not easy. You will get through this. We both will. Be kind to yourself. Each day, focus on the good things that happen. I am keeping an optimism journal where I try to write down 3 good things, and 3 risks I've taken (career, social) every day, and the internal qualilty that made them happen (i.e. I am a likable social person). It does help.
Author taylor Posted March 5, 2007 Author Posted March 5, 2007 Oppath, Thank you for your kind words, encouragement and support. And I accept your invitation to be platonic friends in cyberspace. Awesome! I have been reading your posts with great interest for some time, too. We appear to be poster children for rebound relationships. I have learned so much in the past 7 months. Some of the main things I have learned are: 1. NC does go a long way to help you gain perspective and heal. 2. Hanging on to your self-esteem is crucial in the first few weeks/months after a breakup and so vital to the healing process. 3. Letting your head "take over" while your heart heals. This is a constant struggle. 4.Seeking forgiveness by realizing feelings are not right or wrong. They just are. 5.No one gives you closure. You have to find it yourself by accepting that which you may not fully understand. From reading your posts, I see that you, too, struggle with closure. It's funny you posted those 10 questions that haunted me. I thought if I could just find answers to those questions, I would have my closure. I did get answers to those questions, but not from my ex. They came to me over time as I gained better perspective. I'd like to share the answers with you. Maybe you may relate to some of them since you had similar questions: 1. Yes, he dumped me to try to rekindle a relationship with his ex. Yes, he did rush our relationship and he got scared when he realized how deep into the relationship he got knowing he still had feelings for her. 2. Yes, I was his rebound girl. But he adamantly denies it. If he admitted it, it would be admitting he used me and hurt me. He can't bear to do that. And yes, he tried to make me a "replacement" for her but realized I was not her and could never "replace" her. 3. He had strong feelings for me and thought if he could feel about me the way he felt about her he would be able to finally "get over" her. The problem was his feelings for me couldn't compare to his feelings for her. 4. He wasn't up front with me about his ex-girlfriend because he knows if he told me he was still hung up on his ex-girlfriend I would have steered clear of him. 5. He carried on about the future (engagement, wedding, marriage, babies) because that's where he "left off" with her when they broke up. He thought he could "replace" her with me and "pick up" right where the two of them left off. 6. He was afraid because when he "came to his senses" and realized he couldn't deny his feelings for his ex-girlfriend, he panicked. He knew he had led me on, got in too deep, and then didn't know how to "take it back." 7. He told everyone I was the one who got "too serious" when in fact he was the one who rushed the relationship and was confused about his feelings. He had to put the blame on me; otherwise, it would have made him look bad. What was he supposed to say: I dumped Taylor to see if I could get my ex-girlfriend back who I have been pining away for for 2 years but who keeps rejecting me every time I try to win her back. He would have looked pathetic. He has too much pride and ego. 8. A divorced man feel emotionally spent and empty inside. They have nothing to give to a new relationship. 9. He didn't want to "corrupt" me, meaning he didn't want to "hurt" me anymore by "stringing me along" or trying to love me when he was still in love with someone else. He knew he couldn't trust his feelings and he knew he couldn't love me 100 percent. I did appreciate his honesty and I do believe he cared enough about me to let me go so that he wouldn't hurt me more than he already did. 10. I know there is nothing I could have done to change the course of our relationship. It had very little to do with me and everything to do with him and his feelings for his ex-girlfriend. I didn't put her in his heart and there was nothing I could do to drag her out of there. Only he can do that. Sorry, so long. But, after 7 months I have my closure. I had to get it myself. You will find yours, too, with time. I noticed you are also seeking your ex-girlfriend's forgiveness. I hope with time she will swallow her pride and give you the forgiveness you are seeking...BUT If she doesn't forgive you, find a way to forgive yourself. You are beating yourself up about these bridges you feel you burned. Your reactions to your breakup are totally understandable. She should have been upfront with you about her ex and she should have had greater respect for you than to suggest FWB. That was like a slap in the face on top of the pain you were already going through with the breakup. Your feelings are your feelings. Feelings are not right or wrong. You don't need to apologize for them. I think perhaps you have some regrets for saying some of the things you said to her because you feel you may have "blown" a chance at reconciliation. But you did apologize. That's more than most dumpees would do. You took the high road. The ball is in her court now. Besides, I don't believe some words you said in a moment of hurt and anger would prevent her from reconciling with you if she truly has feelings for you. There are many on this forum who would take their exes back who have done far worse things. If you never get a second chance with your ex, it won't be because of those words. It will be because of her feelings for her ex. And that's something you have no control over. I'll promise to be kind to myself if you promise to be kind to yourself. Deal? Take care.
oppath Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Thanks Taylor, and sorry for the threadjacking. Yes, I want to contact her again and reiterate I am sorry, I'm not going to. Perhaps in a couple months, mid-summer, when I return from my internship, I'll send an email saying "sorry about the way things ended. I expect to see you through friends of friends and it would be nice if we could acknowledge each other." But I'll deal with that LATER! It is still too raw. Perhaps she'll acknowledge me on her own before then. You are right. If SHE wanted to reconcile, despite any harsh words I sent her way, she would have been the one apologizing. I'm told she regrets not telling me some things and asking for FWB, feels bad about it, and both of us need to move on. But I've expressed sincere apologies. Perhaps she discarded them all and has blocked me, I don't know. Our mutual friend says it best when he says "do whatever you need to do to move on." He believes I'm accepting way more than my share of the blame for **** that went down and unfortunately, there is not way she'll look past her own rightousness and acknowledge me. That sucks. Stay strong in your situation. These guys friends who acted lame...is it possible to say "I'm sorry if I hurt you by not reciprocating your feelings, but I don't know why you are acting this way" next time they act aloof. I guess you must be prepared for whatever answers they give you. All in all I think you are doing very well! It's one thing for someone to not be feeling it, and verbally express that. It's another for them to act the opposite and persist they do have feelings for you but are confused. Really, it is unfair. You were in an impossible situation. Both of us got screwed. But both of us will get better. I appreciate your kind words.
Cossette4 Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Wow Taylor our stories are really similar! I am still dealing with a breakup that happened almost 8 months ago, and I'm experiencing as much "friend" conflict as I am "ex boyfriend conflict." I know exactly how you feel. ALL of my close girl friends are in serious relationships. One of them started hers the DAY BEFORE me and my ex broke up and she's been in that giddy so-in-love stage for the past 8 months, one of them just had a baby with her boyfriend so now they play "house," one of them just got engaged and won't shut up about the wedding (even though it's two years off, and they've only been dating for a year and a half), and one of them is in a 4 year relationship. I called a girlfriend last night to tell her what happened. She said, "Oh, you don't need them in your life" and then proceeded to tell me what a wonderful weekend she had with her fiancee. I have been in this place SO many times this past 8 months. It sucks. It's so frustrating because even though they are your friends, sometimes being around them and their "love" ends up making you miserable. And they act like everything in their relationship is perfect and eternal, even though one day you know the tables could be turned. And then as for the "guy friends," I am sort of in the same boat as you with one of them. I had 3 "close" guy friends who were all MY FRIENDS first and only became friends with my ex about 3 years into our relationship (and then proceeded to be both of our friends for the next 2 years). After the breakup happened, initially all 3 guys were completely on my side (my ex moved in with some bisexual skank 2 weeks after he broke up with me, after telling everyone he just wanted to be single and take a break). They were all shocked and in disbelief. Not only did they find it "wrong" to do to me, but they also didn't even see the sense in why he would downgrade so low. He attempted to retain their friendship by inviting them over to hang out with her, and each time they would either take him outside and yell at him, or sit there awkwardly and watch the two of them and then just leave and report back to me. However, after about 2 months of this, one of my guy friends changed. He stopped wanting to hang out with me and suddenly I heard stories of him hanging out with THEM all the time, and talking about me behind my back like "God she really needs to just get over it." Now, if he wants to hang out with them, fine, I can't control people, but it's rotten because for 2 months he was totally against my ex and his actions, and felt that his new girlfriend was pretty low in character to go along with the whole thing, and then now he's partying with them?! So you know what I did? I cut him off as a friend because he proved to me he wasn't a real friend. I haven't called, IMed, emailed, or anything in the past 6 months. He's called me a couple times and seen me at parties, but I just give him the cold shoulder. He has chosen who he'd rather be with, and has shown me that he puts "parties" over "character." I don't want to see any of these people again. I trusted them all. I trusted that my ex-boyfriend loved me like I loved him. He didn't. I trusted that these two male friends were actually my friends and truly wanted to support me as I recovered from this break-up. They know how much it devastated me. They held my hand. They let me cry on their shoulders. They gave me a hug when I was down on myself, listened to me when I needed to vent, and gave me space when I wanted to be alone. They were there for me like no girlfriend of mine was. I know what you are going to say - that I shouldn't have tried to remain friends with his friends. The thing is, they were my friends before they met him and I thought I could maintain those friendships despite the breakup. I'm not going to say you shouldn't have tried to remain friends, because they WERE your friends FIRST and you THOUGHT you could trust them, just like this guy was my friend since 5th grade and I thought he would be here for me rather than add to my torment. I figured he would continue to help me get through the hard days, and instead, he made more of them for me! I even found out he decided to throw his 21st birthday over at the skank's apartment (which, by this time, was also my ex's apartment now). So while I was sitting at home alone with no one to confide in, this guy was partying with the two people who have been killing me inside. I don't really have an answer to your dilemma, but I just want to let you know you aren't alone because I think a lot of us (me for sure) are going through the same thing.
oppath Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Continuing my threat jacking, I've learned straight up that at some point my ex's feelings changed, and she thought I was a cool guy to hang out with but only wanted sex. Straight up rebound. Lies. Deception. Her friends still think I'm an ass despite my apologies. No one except one mutual friend knows my side of the story and apparently they are outing him for defending me. Now, everyone was friendly with me. Even my ex's close friend who said "who invited this *******" told the mutual friend afterwards, "I'm ok. He's a decent guy. He is sorry and he did have a side to the story." Nonetheless, do I really want to extend efforts here? I think you are right, Taylor. No friends with her friends except for the one guy who is in the middle. He no longer thinks she is a good person and is fully sided with me. He is willing to serve as a bridge to help me mend my friendships with other people, but I'm thinking it is not worth the effort. It is best to walk away and find some other activity to enjoy.
Author taylor Posted March 6, 2007 Author Posted March 6, 2007 Thank you soooo much to everyone who posted here yesterday. You truly held me up and helped me get through that awful day. But today is a new day and I plan on doing a little "house cleaning" to tidy up my life. I am meeting with my one male friend - the one who has been acting very aloof - to have a heart-to-heart talk with him. It's way overdue. I care very much for him and it was never my intention to hurt his feelings in any way. He is caring, gentle, considerate, sensitive and genuine. He has gone out of his way to be there for me and we have had some very fun times and some very good quiet moments together. Some of my girlfriends have told me I chose the wrong one to fall in love with - meaning this friend would have been better for me. In many, many ways he is. And I do have strong feelings for him but they are not the same kind of feelings I have for my ex. Plus, I don't trust the feelings I have for him. I am afraid they are rebound in nature and exist only because I have been so needy and dependent on him over the past 7 months. I have not crossed any physical boundaries with him - not even a kiss and he has been quite the gentleman. But I'm afraid I allowed the relationship to cross some emotional boundaries that it shouldn't have. This sounds crazy but I think on some platonic level I did rebound with this male friend. I can put myself in his shoes and I can see how unfair and selfish I have been to him. It's been all about my needs and very little about his needs. I knew he had some feelings for me since at least October but I pretended they didn't exist because I didn't want them to threaten the friendship. We talked briefly about it in October, but quickly decided we were alright with the boundaries and could both handle the emotions. Apparantly not. Oppath, you are right. I am going to tell him how sorry I am that I cannot reciprocate the feelings. And I am going to tell him I am sorry if I did anything that may have led him on or given him hope that we could be anything more than friends. I feel so guilty hurting someone who has done nothing but been good and decent to me (Gosh, that's exactly what my ex said to me! This sucks.) I don't want to hurt him anymore. I am also going to tell him I think he is doing the right thing by keeping his distance from me - at least for a while - and I will do the same for him. I will miss him but I know it is in both of our best interests for now. The other male friend - the one who put the moves on me - is very angry because I rejected his advances. But I know I gave him no indication I was interested in him in that way. That is why I was so shocked by his behavior. He and I don't have the same emotional attachment as the other male friend and I have. In this case, I am going to have no contact with him, let him cool down, and give him a chance to gain some perspective. If he wants to talk, I will talk with him. We can no longer be friends as we were. I will not confide in him or hang out with him any longer. I can't accept that he may have spread lies to my ex. Cosette/Oppath - It is really quite a challenge trying to maintain friendships with mutual friends of our exes. Emotions are running high and they seem to change on a daily basis. Allegiances are torn and questioned. I think as dumpees (or dumpers) we really put these mutual friends in a tight spot. They want to be there for both of us but can't. At some point they naturally gravitate to one or the other, depending on what role they feel they need/want to fulfill. In my case, I think these two male friends initially saw their role as that of "rescuer," to help me get through the pain of the breakup. The roles got clouded when they started to develop some feelings that I couldn't reciprocate. They can't play the role of "rescuer" any more. The one male friend has "rebonded" with my ex. I'm glad. I never wanted to come between them. They are best friends. Another good reason for me to distance myself from this mutual friend: I know my ex is still keeping tabs on me (I have no idea why) and I don't want an information highway set up anymore between me, this male friend, and my ex. I never felt comfortable about the exchange of information that was inevitably being passed on to my ex. By distancing myself I can set up vitual roadblocks so that nothing gets back to him. Oppath - I am glad you have an internship to look forward to and to keep you busy. It will do alot to move your life forward. I got my dream job in August and it has done alot to open my world to new people and experiences, to build my confidence, and to keep me very busy. I also think the time away will be a good thing for you. A change of scenery will will help you clear your head and gain better perspective. It's great that you play on a league. Who knows, a fun and exciting activity like that can go a long way in bringing people together in more ways than one. (OK, I just wanted to use the bunny. Sorry) Anyways, I think you have a great attitude. You have held on to your self-confidence and you are looking forward to the future with a "we'll just see what happens" attitude. Life takes some funny twists and turns. Hang on. My only word of caution would be to be wary of mutual friends of your ex. They may serve a purpose as an information highway but be aware that the information that gets passed may not be accurate or may not be presented in the way you intended. Nothing can compare to a one-on-one conversation with you ex to clear the air. I hope someday you will get that chance. Give it time. Cosette - I have been reading your posts with great interest, too, mainly because of the length of the relationship you had with your ex. I can't imagine the heartache after loving someone for 5 years. Especially when the person you loved for so long seems to have turned himself into a totally different kind of person overnight that you can hardly recognize. And I can understand how frustrated you must feel knowing he chose to be with a girl of such poor integrity, rather than someone of your caliber. IMO, his decision to leave you for her had very little to do with you and a whole lot to do with him. I think he knows he can never be the kind of person you want and need and he got tired of trying to be someone he isn't. He reacted by going out and finding someone who is so substandard that he doesn't have to worry about measuring up to her. It probably makes him feel good he is with someone he KNOWS he is better than, rather than someone he has always felt inferior to. I think it has alot to do with his own self-image and self-esteem. It has nothing to do with you. In an ideal relationship, partners feel like equals to each other. I don't think this was the case in your relationship. He probably doesn't have much respect for this girl but she makes him feel superior and he likes the feeling. In the end, he will probably take her for granted and treat her poorly. As for the mutual friends..well..I guess there is something to be said for the strength of male bonding. I think men can overlook their friends' indiscretions and wrongdoings much easier than women can. They can withhold judgements for the sake of the friendships. I know men who have cheated on their wives and their friends overlook it, don't judge, and hold tight to the friendships. I'm not sure if women deal with those situations the same way. (Watch..I'm going to get blasted here on LS) Maybe it's worth a new thread... I would guess your ex's friends are overlooking his behavior in an effort to maintain his friendship. They know the truth but they aren't going to beat him over the head with it. I say just be cordial to them when you see them. I wouldn't let them even know it bothers you that they have "switched" allegiances, even though I'm sure it does. Besides, keeping some distance between you and your ex and his friends right now will go a long way to help you heal. (I am just realizing this myself - after 7 months) You don't need any more drama. You have had plenty. And so have I.
Cossette4 Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 IMO, his decision to leave you for her had very little to do with you and a whole lot to do with him. I think he knows he can never be the kind of person you want and need and he got tired of trying to be someone he isn't. He reacted by going out and finding someone who is so substandard that he doesn't have to worry about measuring up to her. It probably makes him feel good he is with someone he KNOWS he is better than, rather than someone he has always felt inferior to. I think it has alot to do with his own self-image and self-esteem. It has nothing to do with you. In an ideal relationship, partners feel like equals to each other. I don't think this was the case in your relationship. Wow that's pretty much verbatim what I've heard from my own mother, my aunt, and my two best friends, so you must REALLY have good insight I completely agree with it all on my good days. And on my bad days I feel like it's ME that's the horrible, always-yelling demon spawn that drove him away and now he's truly happy. But the way you've described it and the way my family and friends have described it is honestly the only way it makes sense. It's like... <--Here's me. <--Here's my ex, who JUMPS (much like a rabbit) from our 5 year relationship into another. <--And here's the skanky new girlfriend. The rabbit doesn't like to be underneath the smiley face. He likes to be above the pukey face. I should really write and illustrate children's books....
Author taylor Posted March 6, 2007 Author Posted March 6, 2007 Cossette, :D :D You summed that up quite well with the LS icons. Who needs words...HAHAHA Your mom and aunt are right. They aren't just trying to make you feel better. You will find your equal partner. He is out there..
Recommended Posts