He wants to try again!

[alasia]

Ok here's the situation...after everything that's gone on between me and Phil (read my previous threads if you haven't already), he now says he wants us to get back together!

 

I've been staying at his place for the past week, as I've had family problems so I've had to move out. He let me stay until I'd sorted out alternative accomodation but wasn't exactly happy about it; and until Saturday he'd been constantly dropping snide comments about me leaving soon and getting the hell out of his life - and how pleased he was about it.

 

He went out with friends yesterday afternoon and when he came back, he apologised for a slight argument we'd had before he left (nothing major, he was just sulking over something stupid). Said it was all his fault, which isn't his usual style! I assumed what he'd said was just the drink talking as he'd had one or two drinks while he'd been out, so I thought nothing more of it.

 

A little later on we were talking, and I said something to the effect of "am I or am I not, just someone to sleep with now and again?". I assumed I was but he said "no, you're someone I want to stay". I said I was, until tomorrow and he said "longer than that".

 

I changed the subject and nothing more was mentioned about it until this morning. We had sex and I kept saying I had to leave soon (to go to the council to ask about housing). He said I didn't have to go and I told him that I couldn't stay forever. He then asked why not; so I said I can't live with him, but stay friends. He went "you don't have to" so I asked exactly what he meant and he said "we'd be going out together again".

 

I changed the subject again and all day we were getting on really well. He kept trying to kiss and hug me which I avoided, and then I started packing my stuff up to leave at 2pm. He was getting ready for work and asked where I was going. I said "back to my dad's", and he asked me to stay.

That went on for a while, with me carrying on getting ready and Phil saying he didn't want me to go; he actually looked upset that I was leaving. He said "are you coming back?" and asked me to take his spare key. I refused, saying I didnt want to come back - not at the moment, anyway. He looked a bit puzzled and said he'd drop me off in town on his way to work.

 

All the way there he kept bringing up the topic of us getting back together and I kept telling him it wouldn't work. It was only two days ago that he was saying he hated me being in the house and it was definitely over - on Saturday I'd asked him to take me down to Devon and he'd agreed! I reminded him of that and he said that without the arguments, he loves being with me. He even said we make a good couple when we're not arguing - which he disagreed with when I said that exact same thing 3 days ago!

 

Yesterday I told him it would be too hard - everyone he knows hates me - he said "if you're willing to take the flack, I'll take it with you" and said that until he tells his mum about us (I don't want him to yet...), if she sees me he'll say we're giving things another go.

He also said he'll take me round town so I'm seen with him and keeps saying he's not bothered what people think.

 

It all sounds good, but I'm very suspicious about the sudden change of heart...

 

So far he hasn't said he loves me or even has strong feelings, but then again I haven't asked.

 

When I said I couldn't move back in straight away and pretend like nothing happened, he said he's willing to take it slowly, with me staying over a couple of nights a week.

 

I haven't talked to him properly about it yet; he needs to know we WILL argue, especially when the baby arrives and we're both irritable and tired, plus I'm worried he'll change his mind again in a few weeks or even days.

I don't want to get hurt again.

 

He kept asking me to come back and meet him in town tonight and I admit I'm tempted, if only to talk things through; but my instinct is to leave it at least a few days, ideally longer to get my head sorted.

 

If he does care about me like he says he does, then he'll miss me while I'm away which will probably do him/us some good, won't it?

 

To be honest, as much as I've wanted him to say he wants to give things another go, I really can't see this working; not after everything that's happened and the things he's said recently. We do get on a lot of the time (believe it or not), but there have been a lot of arguments and I don't want to bring a baby into that kind of atmosphere.

 

I feel like I should just cut my losses and move on, but there's a part of me thinking that maybe we CAN make things work so I should take the risk?

 

Am I right for thinking I should tell him we can't get back together?

[lorr]

Look Alasia! Regardless of whether you have family problems, why on earth would you stay at Phil's flat considering the violence that has taken place between the both of you?

Phil's motive does NOT seem strange, and I'm afraid to say that he just sees you as a safety net when things aren't going his way.

I can't stress to you enough that you need to see a Counsellor especially after the abuse you experienced within your childhood, as it clearly seems that you are seeking out a man just to show you any form of love.

 

Sorry to say but this "relationship" that you have with Phil is doomed to fail(even though your convincing yourself otherwise.

 

FOR GODS SAKE SEEK COUNSELLING

[alasia]

I don't agree with this statement...

 

as it clearly seems that you are seeking out a man just to show you any form of love.

 

Anyway I was staying at his house because he offered; he has one bedroom but always sleeps on the sofa downstairs, so I took the bedroom and he slept in his usual place. None of my friends had room at their places (although I did sleep on a couple of friends' floors for a few nights) so my choices were;

 

1 - get into a hostel - but none of the ones locally had rooms available and directed me to hostels in a town about 15 miles away (and as I barely have any money I couldn't have afforded to travel there and back looking for work every day). I was also worried social services wouold get involved or something and the baby would be taken off me...irrational fear I'm sure, but I didn't want to risk it.

 

2 - stay with my mum, stepfather and 3 brothers in their (fairly small) 3 bedroomed house. This means either sleeping on the sofa or taking my eldest brother's bedroom while he took the sofa. Not exactly a long term solution, ok short term I suppose but I would have felt too guilty kicking a 15 year old out of his bedroom for an indeterminate period of time.

 

3 - stay in a B&B = too costly.

 

4 - stop with Phil and have a room to myself plus he works from 2pm-00.45 every day apart from Sunday and is out of the house most of the morning.

 

The Phil thing seemed the better option, and yes we argued a little but mostly we got on really well, which was surprising.

 

I don't understand what you meant about Phil 'coming back' to me when things aren't going his way (sorry for being thick, but how were things not going the way he wanted them to?) but he's now decided he doesn't want to be with me after all, supposedly after an argument we had on Monday night.

 

I'm still staying with him for now though, while I apply to the council for housing. It should only be a couple of weeks according to the lady I spoke to, and Phil and I are still getting on well. He's even suggesting baby names, but we won't ever get back together.

[kimberlyk]

You have a baby on the way, the BEST thing you can do right now is focus on this baby. Give this child a chance to be well-rounded and have a stable life. It is not about you anymore, everything should be about this child and ONLY this child, you put yourself in this situation now you must make the changes that need to be made for the benefit of the new life you are about to bring into this world.

 

Make it right!