LoveLace Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 My roommate and I are quite close with a 10 yr friendship behind, and after he split with his Ex he needed a roommate for "financial" reasons which is beneficial to me as well. But I'd say our relationship is more like good friends with some uncommunicated feelings. But he has 3 teenagers (twins 14 and 16 yr old daugher) that he said would be "every once in a while" because they would be living with their mom. At first they were only there on weekends but it got to me more as time went, and now one daughter (14 yrs) lives with us full time because she doesn't behave at her mom's (Ex from many years ago not the one he split up with)...so his ex wife pressured him into taking her full time. When the other kids drive her crazy she expects Frank to pick them up and bring them over anytime. We only have a 2 bed. apt. I am a nursing student. This situation is distracting for that at times. One night several months ago, he stayed out all night while his daughter was there with me. There was no telling me or asking about it, he just did it. I was very pissed and we got into an argument, and he didn't understand why I was mad because "they are old enough to be home alone". How can he not see that I am the responsible adult while he's gone? Their age doesn't matter here. All they do is watch TV, no big deal...but I know he would never leave them ALL night if he didn't have me there. After that, it never happened again until last night. I knew he had it planned when he walked out the door at 8pm..because he told his daughter to do her homework, and all he said to me was "Bye". If he'll be back soon, he always tells me that. I heard him come home at 5:30am this morning. Both of his twins are there. As far as everything, he's a pretty good guy that I love dearly, and he's very understanding about me getting stressed and crazy due to work/nursing school. Usually when I speak up about something that annoys me, he listens and abides by it. He was strongly apologetic about the kids being there often. But I say its ok because I understand he's in a hard situation and I have grown close to the kids anyway. The other night he told me that he likes me as a roommate and we said maybe we'd like to live together beyond our lease (we are both single by the way) so since then I've questioned where this relationship could be going...but I feel so used like a built in babysitter after last night. He works very hard and rarely goes out for fun anymore because of the kids being there. He deserves a night out for a few hours, I wouldn't care, but isn't ALL night long a little much? Of course I wonder if he's with a girl, but I don't know if that's the reason I get mad though...I can get over the jealousy of that alone pretty quickly. Don't I have a right to know if he plans on staying out late? He seems not to think so just because we are not a couple, or he must think it's ok just because it's every once in a while and not all the time. I've had friends say, just ignore it, like you don't even notice...but isn't that the same thing as saying it's OK? It's kinda hard not to notice in a 2 bedroom apt!! Regardless of my kids' ages, I would never leave them all night with ANY adult without at least letting them know 1st. Am I over reacting?
norajane Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Of course I wonder if he's with a girl, but I don't know if that's the reason I get mad though...I can get over the jealousy of that alone pretty quickly. Don't I have a right to know if he plans on staying out late? He seems not to think so just because we are not a couple, or he must think it's ok just because it's every once in a while and not all the time. I've had friends say, just ignore it, like you don't even notice...but isn't that the same thing as saying it's OK? It's kinda hard not to notice in a 2 bedroom apt!! Regardless of my kids' ages, I would never leave them all night with ANY adult without at least letting them know 1st. Am I over reacting? While his kids may be old enough to be alone without adult supervision, yes, of course he needs to tell you when he's going to be out all night and his kids are there. Don't get into his parenting or leaving them alone, or whatever. Just tell him you'd appreciate knowing when he's going to be out late or all night, because you are the adult in the house and anything that happens to those kids while he's gone will, in fact, be your responsibility. What, for example, are you supposed to do if he goes out and his daughters decide to leave the house? Are you supposed to let them go wandering around doing whatever they want, or are you supposed to make sure they stay home? These sorts of issues need to be addressed... ...but I think you have a hard time tallking to him about this because of those "unspoken feelings" and because you aren't sure if it's jealousy. Regardless, you have a right to discuss this with him, whether he thinks it's a big deal or not. It is a big deal to you.
Author LoveLace Posted March 6, 2007 Author Posted March 6, 2007 While his kids may be old enough to be alone without adult supervision, yes, of course he needs to tell you when he's going to be out all night and his kids are there. Don't get into his parenting or leaving them alone, or whatever. Just tell him you'd appreciate knowing when he's going to be out late or all night, because you are the adult in the house and anything that happens to those kids while he's gone will, in fact, be your responsibility. What, for example, are you supposed to do if he goes out and his daughters decide to leave the house? Are you supposed to let them go wandering around doing whatever they want, or are you supposed to make sure they stay home? These sorts of issues need to be addressed... ...but I think you have a hard time tallking to him about this because of those "unspoken feelings" and because you aren't sure if it's jealousy. Regardless, you have a right to discuss this with him, whether he thinks it's a big deal or not. It is a big deal to you. Well easier said than done for sure...We argued last night. I said I would just like a heads up if he plans on being out for a long night, because I am the other adult there. He said if something happened they know to call and he will pick up his cell right away, or they could call 911 and I don't even have to have anything to do with it. He said "here's your heads up, just assume every time I go out that it'll be all night, there's your heads up". He said that he sees where I'm coming from but disagrees. He keeps saying "they are old enough..." which is not even the issue. The issue is, I'm asking to do something I think would be considerate of him, but he's being a prick about it instead. He even had to throw in there "yea, if I have a date or something, yea I might be out all night". So here I am, the woman with his kids while he's out on a date? I said we have a problem then. They are there while he works and everything else, so on his night off he would rather go out all night then be there with us, or them. Any feelings I might supposedly have for him are not there at all right now, thats for sure. I am not speaking to him and next time I do, it will be to tell him to find a roommate that actually thinks what he's doing is right.
norajane Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Wow - he's really acting like an ass. I can't understand how he doesn't see that his behavior is inappropriate. And I totally don't understand why he's going out on all-night dates when it is his turn to be with his kids. Does he expect you to stay with his kids when he is out, or are you free to come and go as you please without regard for the kids? I mean, for example, say he went out, but you also had plans for that night and left them there alone...would he think that was perfectly fine?
Author LoveLace Posted March 6, 2007 Author Posted March 6, 2007 Wow - he's really acting like an ass. I can't understand how he doesn't see that his behavior is inappropriate. And I totally don't understand why he's going out on all-night dates when it is his turn to be with his kids. Does he expect you to stay with his kids when he is out, or are you free to come and go as you please without regard for the kids? I mean, for example, say he went out, but you also had plans for that night and left them there alone...would he think that was perfectly fine? I can come and go as I please. I realize the "old enough" to be left alone...at least for a little while...he doesn't expect me to be there the whole time. However, Sunday nights he KNOWS I won't be going anywhere because of work the next day. And if I do go somewhere, he knows I'll be back eventually, still leaving him the option to be out ALL night. But on a Fri. or Sat. night, my free time, he has no way of knowing if or when I'll come or not. Unless he were to call me ask me. And knowing him, he might call just to act like he wants to see what I'm doing when in fact he's trying to make plans surrounding the fact that his kids are at home. I don't know if that's an accurate judgement but I've known the guy a LONG time and I know how he works. No matter what he says, I don't think he would do it if he didn't have a roommate. The first time he did it several months ago, his one daughter was there but he said he's going out. She was literally begging him to stay home with her instead. He said, "Oh, Hush!" and he got home at 7:30 the next morning. This was also a Sunday night, what do ya know. This was the 1st time he's done it since then, with kids there anyway. I've never cared about it if there are no kids. I could easily ask him not to go out AT ALL if I want to but I dont. All I ask is that he says if it will be a long night out or not (while the kids are there). And he refuses to give me even that much. I don't think he realizes he will lose me as a Friend and as a roommate over this. He's not treating me like a friend here. This is my only complaint about living with him and its major enough that it makes me dislike him to no end; when last week I thought I was like in love with the a hole. Now I wish I could leave him hanging high dry; I can't though legally.
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