stace79 Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 After almost a year of an intense on/off relationship with a man I love deeply, he finally decided he had too many personal issues he had to work through to be in a serious relationship. (He is seeing a counselor because he has a lot of anxiety problems, and also is dealing with a chronic health problem [lyme disease] that agitates his anxiety. He has started on a round of heavy meds to treat his illness, and will be on them for at least two weeks.) He said he does not want to date anyone at all now, but that he loves me and doesn't want a life without me in it. He calls me a best friend. (I asked him if he just loves me as a friend, and he says no, because he also has intense physical attraction to me.) Last week we had some disagreements, mostly because I am impatient with this situation and also felt our friendship/relationship was very one-sided. I would do anything for him, and I feel he would only do anything for me if it was not inconvenient to him. (I.e. if I call and he is busy, he asks to call me back "before bed" which is usually after I typically go to bed because I work earlier than he does.) So last week when I got angry, I decided to give him his space, and I started turning my phone off early, not calling, blocking him on AIM, etc. We didn't speak for close to 48 hours at all. (We usually talk at minimum once per day by phone AND instant message.) He freaked out, left me voicemail and text messages saying he couldn't believe I was abandoning him and all this stuff. We talked on Friday, at which point he told me he loves me. He said he "thought he was falling for me" before but never imagined how much he cared for me until he thought I was gone from his life for good. He says he knows now without a doubt he loves me. He said he is going to work very hard to show me how important I am, even though he still has to work through his issues before he can be in a relationship. He always says he is afraid to tell me his feelings because we never know what the future will hold and he doesn't want me to be hurt if things end up not working out for us, but he says he is giving much more serious thought to us being together in the future. I CAN honestly tell a difference in that he is calling me more frequently, telling me how much he misses me and other sweet things like that. I told him I probably will not make the effort to contact him because I don't want to be taken advantage of, and he has said that's a good idea, that he should have to show me how much he cares by making the effort to contact me and things like that. He took me to the movies yesterday, invited me back to his place where we just hung out, talked and watched TV. We cuddle and he is always kissing my cheek or forehead, but that is about it because we don't want to get carried away. He gave me a good bye kiss on the lips, which was perfect (his kisses always are). Anyway, I just want to know if this is normal? He says I should appreciate and value our time together and that we have such a wonderful bond or connection, and that we shouldn't overanalyze anything yet but that things are going really well for us. Why am I so anxious to be in a committed relationship? He isn't dating or seeing any other girls. He is finally showing me the treatment I have wanted. He is sweet to me and wants to do nice things for me. How can I learn to accept this for what it is -- a good, healthy, caring relationship with a very good friend, that may eventually turn into something long-lasting?
norajane Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 You're anxious because you don't trust what is happening. He's been giving you mixed signals, off and on, for the last year. Now, he's asking you to trust things will work out between you, but you want a "guarantee" that he's not just giving you more mixed signals. I don't know how you can be less anxious, except to take things one day at a time and see how you feel. Maybe you can date other people, since you are not currently "together". That might lessen your anxiety to pin him down, if he's not the only ballgame in town.
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