Guest Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 I am dating this very nice man that I met back in November. So far, the family and friends I've had meet him think he is just a doll. He's very attentive to me, calls regularly, emails and visits me every other weekend (we live two hours apart). The weekends we are not together he is with his children (he is divorced). He's intelligent, well-educated, creative and sensitive. We've spent many hours discussing our ideas and feelings. I am not sure why my gut is so uncomfortable! Maybe I have just been in too many screwed up relationships. I've been in relationships where men treated me with disrespect, have used me or have just been plain neglectful. I actuallly broke things off with my new guy twice. He patiently waited it out until I was ready to date again. They always say 'trust your gut' but I don't know if I should; it seems I've made so many bad choices in the past, maybe my gut doesn't know a good guy from a loser. I think this is my biggest fear. I just keep thinking, 'something's wrong, something's wrong' when I hang up the phone or when I read an email from him. Later, when I re-read the email I feel completley different about it, like "Why did I think something was wrong? This is a perfectly normal email!" I don't feel this way all the time. Often I feel very relaxed with him and really very loving towards him. It's so confusing. Just to clarify, I got out of a relationship this past summer. It was a long-term one. THe breakup wasn't bitter, fortunately, but it was still a tough adjustment for me. I don't express the anxious 'bad gut' feelings I've been having because I don't want to drive this guy crazy. Has anyone else experienced 'bad gut' feelings but everything turns out OK? Should I end things again? I am confused
Guest Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 I'm starting to understand that letting yourself be loved is the hardest thing in the world. It is easier to be with someone who reinforces the negative perception we have of ourself. It is safer and we are comfrotable with it...used to it. To let someone love you, is to know you are worthy of being loved. If you ask yourself specific questions about the relationship and your self-perception, maybe this will help you figure out your gut feeling. Take notice when you feel yourself opening up, physiologically, and when you close up to certain questions. Does this guy love/like me? If you cringe, is it because you dont think you are worthy, or because you do not feel the same about him. And if you dont, why? etc, etc.
Limerent Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 I just keep thinking, 'something's wrong, something's wrong' when I hang up the phone or when I read an email from him. And what is that "something" according to you? And have you ever had a long distance relationship before? It could possibly be that the distance is making you feel as if there is emotional distance as well. Speaking of that, just curious, but do you think you got involved in a long distance relationship specifically because of these reasons? : Maybe I have just been in too many screwed up relationships. I've been in relationships where men treated me with disrespect, have used me or have just been plain neglectful. And this is your way of possibly avoiding going through something like that again, so you (literally) become distant with them?
Guest Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 And what is that "something" according to you? And have you ever had a long distance relationship before? It could possibly be that the distance is making you feel as if there is emotional distance as well. Speaking of that, just curious, but do you think you got involved in a long distance relationship specifically because of these reasons? : And this is your way of possibly avoiding going through something like that again, so you (literally) become distant with them? Possibly. Interesting question. I have been in long-distance relationships before -- once with someone 3 hours away and once with someone several states away. I don't know if the distance is a factor or not -- it certainly can make things challenging. I do wish he were closer. I wonder if it's just that dating at my age seems to get harder and harder.....we all seem to have baggage. Anyway, I appreciate your thoughtful input
D-Lish Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 I'm starting to understand that letting yourself be loved is the hardest thing in the world. It is easier to be with someone who reinforces the negative perception we have of ourself. It is safer and we are comfrotable with it...used to it. To let someone love you, is to know you are worthy of being loved. How true. When you don't feel worthy, you'll tend to choose people who reinforce those negative feelings.... and when you feel good about yourself, you tend to gravitate towards those that compliment your positivity. Human nature I suppose. I too feel clouded by my past dating and love experiences... after having your heart broken or experiencing betrayal, it becomes hard to trust your own judgement. Gut feelings are important. You just have to figure out if your reaction is based on past experiences, or truly based on a feeling that something is off.
confucious Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 I agree with D-Lish - Gut feelings are important. Very important. A bad gut feeling doesn't always have to mean they are pure evil/cheaters/abusers etc. Sometimes it is not anything too obvious that we are "noticing"...sometimes it is just a clash of the person we have "created" out of our partner and the person they really are. And - like you said above, OP - sometimes it is just our own fears taking over and telling us to run. Seperating these two IS possible, I think...with a lot of work and learning to understand and be honest with ourselves. The only one who can truly answer your question is you - just know you are not alone, there are a lot of us wondering this same thing. Good luck.
Totoro Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 maybe you're just scared because things are going well, and BECAUSE there isn't any real problem. i know for me, when things start to go WELL in my life, i freak out... like "what's the catch? something must be wrong--so what is it?!?!" are you like this in other areas of your life? like do you question everything that goes well? or conjure up worries when there isn't anything to worry about? as for gut feelings, they are a good measure for judging people but they aren't necessarily food-proof. this man really sounds nice. i'd say take a deep breath and try your best to go with the flow and enjoy being with him (i know, easier said than done). and honestly, any break-up you'd ever have with him couldn't be as bad as the torture you're putting yourself through. good luck!
Totoro Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 fool-proof, not food-proof:lmao: my gut feeling is *definitely* not food-proof. that's why i'm on weight watchers:laugh:
Mary3 Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 Absolutely you should follow you Gut Feelings 100%. You may be overthinking as to whether you are thinking with your *right mind* and if passed occurances make you fear future occurances. Disregard the * fear * and really look at this ? What is wrong here ? Is he married ? Is he doing things that remind you of past abusers ? A prelude to the future ? Something is nagging at you . Pay attention . Is he doing something to make you weary ? More info would help
LN99 Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 Don't let the fact that things are going ok ruin a potentially good relationship only because of your past. Its normal to have doubts, but don't let them isolate you from new opportunities.
Spoonandfork22 Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 i find this thread very interesting b.c. i too have that gut feeling w. my current bf. i wait for the bad to come. hes amazing, but the one fight weve had nearly destroyed us. his contact w. an ex gf and not telling me made me see him in a dif. light and its hard to bounce back from that. however, my past also conjures up these feelings. my ex treated me terribly. things would go from wonderful to horrible in a matter of days, so for me, i wait until that happens again. its completely unhealthy. this guy sounds like a good guy. dont let your insecurites get the best of you. trust me, he will pick up on it, and start to pull away. i know from first hand experience. dont allow your doubts to ruin a chance at a very wonderful relationship.
Recommended Posts