CrashNBurn Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Hi. I am a newbie. I have been reading for awhile but hiding in the shadows. I was in a relationship with a MM for about 3 years. In that time. We got caught and still managed to stay together. He didnt leave the marriage because of his children. They were just becoming young adults and mostly important his one child was in the midst of great things. Neither one of us wanted our relationship to be the cause of any failures that could result in the lack of focus. It was tough many tears have been shed. Well to make a long story short he did just as he told me he would. When the time was right he left. His wife knew this was coming. And we are together. We are very happy. And the kids are fine. They understood what was going on. No, they would have been thrilled if their parents were together. But they are happy to see two happy parents then two civil parnets. To those OW whos MM say they are staying for the kids. I just want you to know that there are THOSE MEN out there , that are telling the truth. It takes alot out of you. But I have to say you are the only one who knows the honest and true feelings of your MM. This is also turn of those so called "CAKE-EATERS". If you are in a relationship with one of those guys. Dont fool yourself into thinking of a fairy-tale life. With all this said. TO THOSE OW. THAT ARE REALLY IN A RELATIONSHIP . HANG IN THERE. IT DOES HAPPEN
stillhere Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 It's nice to hear that it does work out sometimes! My MM just told me last night that i will be in his life the way i want and need to be. He didn't give me a date, and i didn't push and ask. I will not do this forever, and he knows this. He will do it when the time is right for him. This gives me a little more hope, although i know not to let my head float up into the clouds. Only time will tell. Congratulations and i hope you 2 have a wonderful life together!!
yousaveme Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Good to see how good things do end up working out in the end.
Izzar Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Here's living proof right here that it CAN & DOES work out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
woe_is_me Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 I know of a man who saw his mistress for twenty years before he finally left his wife to be with her He lost a lot financially but apparently didn't care.. He probably would've lost a lot less had he made his decision sooner... Sheeeez 20 years eh!
Guest Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 I know of a man who saw his mistress for twenty years before he finally left his wife to be with her He lost a lot financially but apparently didn't care.. He probably would've lost a lot less had he made his decision sooner... Sheeeez 20 years eh! That just shows that there are always exceptions to every rule, There are lots of people who say if the mm doesn't leave within he first year he won't leave period. I guess your friend had almost given up hope . Would you mind sharing a few details, like did they have any periods of NC or did she date others c. Did she give him an ultimatum or was he caught or was it all to do with finances?
Guest Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 ......and some people win the lottery, but would you still spend all your money on tickets?( Especially when the prize is second hand?)
stillhere Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 ......and some people win the lottery, but would you still spend all your money on tickets?( Especially when the prize is second hand?) So, you are saying anyone who is a virgin or who has never been in love with someone is the only option we should be left with? Afterall, anyone else in your little theory is second hand! I understand where you are going with this, but if the MM/MW was truely happy in their M, they would have never cheated in the first place. An affair is wrong in every sense of the word, but it takes two to make an affair and the majority of us did not go in search of one. I love my MM and i will gladly accept him "second hand". That's my choice. I know what i am getting into and i will never regret what we had.
LaughMachine Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 I'm sure it is nice for OW who are involved with a MM to hear this. Your life didn't seem much of infedilty or emotionaly traumatic on you or the wife. If things are out in the open and the man is honest than your good to go. But there are many cases where the MM is two timing both women and this gives them false hope. But congrats on your relationship and it happening to work out
LaughMachine Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Here's living proof right here that it CAN & DOES work out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...It works out if the man is willing to be with you and gets a divorce. That isn't the case most of the time. I woulden't want to be in a relationship with a man whos wife never knew. That says alot about someones character...but I hope the OW look at it this way and look at it logically. The only way there should ever be OW is if the married cuples both know there is trouble and that there is a chance of them being with other people. Some wifes have no clue about this and that makes all who is in this love triangle living a lie.
Izzar Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 ...It works out if the man is willing to be with you and gets a divorce. That isn't the case most of the time. I woulden't want to be in a relationship with a man whos wife never knew. That says alot about someones character...but I hope the OW look at it this way and look at it logically. The only way there should ever be OW is if the married cuples both know there is trouble and that there is a chance of them being with other people. Some wifes have no clue about this and that makes all who is in this love triangle living a lie. ______________________________________________________________ My s/o divorced & THEN we started our relationship. We wanted to be together but waited til the divorce was final.
noforgiveness Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 So, you are saying anyone who is a virgin or who has never been in love with someone is the only option we should be left with? Afterall, anyone else in your little theory is second hand! I understand where you are going with this, but if the MM/MW was truely happy in their M, they would have never cheated in the first place. An affair is wrong in every sense of the word, but it takes two to make an affair and the majority of us did not go in search of one. I love my MM and i will gladly accept him "second hand". That's my choice. I know what i am getting into and i will never regret what we had. Did you ever consider that maybe the man is very happin his marriage but is not happy within himself? That he's hurting inside and needs an ego boost or a soft fluffy escape from REALITY which sometimes can be tedious or overwhelming. That line that if they were happy IN MARRIAGE they never would have cheat always cracks me up. It's your little out to asuage your guilt. Your little I didn't do anything he wasn't happy. You are kidding yourself. Also I think your mm is VERY controlling and manipulative hence the reason he gives you an allowance. For the control and manipulation.
saintfrancis Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 To those OW whos MM say they are staying for the kids. I just want you to know that there are THOSE MEN out there , that are telling the truth. I believe you are right, although the MM who are telling the truth about their intentions are the minority, IMO. Most are either blatanly lying, OR they tell you they will leave with the "intention" of someday doing so, but do not have the balls to go through with it when push comes to shove. I would have stuck around, supported, and believed in my ex-MM, and probably waited a lot longer than I did for him IF he had been honest with me about his intentions, and about the actions he was taking. Actually in my case, he never did a damn thing, so the correct thing to say is the lack of action on his part. As it was, however, he told me from time to time things that he was supposedly doing to move his divorce along, but it was all lies. He never did any of the things he said he did. So, you can guess which category my ex falls into.
saintfrancis Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 ...It works out if the man is willing to be with you and gets a divorce. That isn't the case most of the time. I woulden't want to be in a relationship with a man whos wife never knew. That says alot about someones character...but I hope the OW look at it this way and look at it logically. The only way there should ever be OW is if the married cuples both know there is trouble and that there is a chance of them being with other people. Some wifes have no clue about this and that makes all who is in this love triangle living a lie. Exactly!! My ex-MM is now with some new OW, and his wife has no idea. I have to say, though, she is in some deep-ass denial. He has cheated on her many times before me, and I'm sure will continue to do so. But the W has her head so far up his butt I don't think she knows what daylight looks like anymore. I have been so tempted to spill his goings-on to her just to wake her the heck up, but it's not my business anymore. And frankly, I wouldn't want my ex-psycho to come after me for revenge!
NoIDidn't Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Exactly!! My ex-MM is now with some new OW, and his wife has no idea. I have to say, though, she is in some deep-ass denial. He has cheated on her many times before me, and I'm sure will continue to do so. But the W has her head so far up his butt I don't think she knows what daylight looks like anymore. I have been so tempted to spill his goings-on to her just to wake her the heck up, but it's not my business anymore. And frankly, I wouldn't want my ex-psycho to come after me for revenge! In agreement with NF, and with you saint, I have to say while you are at it to wake him up too. Generally a wake-up call to the W is also a wake-up call to the MM who couldn't see how damaging his actions really were. His W is not in denial of his cheating on her several times, he has been lying to her. Its easy to lie to someone who loves you and thinks that you have their best interest at heart. So it is not denial, it is his lying that keeps her in the dark most likely. And saint, I hate to say this in this way, but maybe it might help you or someone else (it helped me before). These cheating men tell their newest conquests about how many times they cheated to make the new fool feel like a special fool and that the W is a dumb fool. But the truth is he was telling you that he was good for nothing genuine and only for smoke and mirrors. There is nothing admirable about [being with] a man who has told one how many times he has already cheated his spouse out of what is rightfully hers: his fidelity, honesty, and trustworthiness. No disrespect intended saint, and I hope you didn't take any. I am glad that you got away from this man that used your love to bolster his feelings for himself. The issue isn't his M or his W (denial, or what have you), but HIM. Believe me you have probably joined a long line of women that no longer respect this man. Trust me, he also doesn't respect himself or he wouldn't keep inviting others (including his W) to share in his misery. END OF THREADJACK
saintfrancis Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 His W is not in denial of his cheating on her several times, he has been lying to her. Its easy to lie to someone who loves you and thinks that you have their best interest at heart. So it is not denial, it is his lying that keeps her in the dark most likely. And saint, I hate to say this in this way, but maybe it might help you or someone else (it helped me before). These cheating men tell their newest conquests about how many times they cheated to make the new fool feel like a special fool and that the W is a dumb fool. But the truth is he was telling you that he was good for nothing genuine and only for smoke and mirrors. There is nothing admirable about [being with] a man who has told one how many times he has already cheated his spouse out of what is rightfully hers: his fidelity, honesty, and trustworthiness. No disrespect intended saint, and I hope you didn't take any. I am glad that you got away from this man that used your love to bolster his feelings for himself. The issue isn't his M or his W (denial, or what have you), but HIM. Believe me you have probably joined a long line of women that no longer respect this man. Trust me, he also doesn't respect himself or he wouldn't keep inviting others (including his W) to share in his misery. END OF THREADJACK NoIDidn't - First, I do not take your post as disrespectful at all! I think you've made your point well, and done so in a perfectly friendly way. I don't mind people giving me a dose of reality if it's done well! To your points - yes ex-MM was indeed lying to his wife. I know this for a fact. But, I also know (at least, he told me) that he had told his wife about an affair he had previous to me, and that she also knew he was with *someone* while he was seeing me (she didn't know who). I've had this verified in other ways since. So, while you are correct that he was creating a version of reality to feed to her, she is not entirely the victim here, for she knew about at least some some of his many infidelities, and not only did nothing about it, but told him that he was merely "ill" and she would stick by him. She chose to stay with him, knowing the truth. So I still think she was in deep denial about the kind of man he really is. To your point about telling me about his other conquests - Yes I can see how what you said would be right on. I will say, however, that he only told me about these other involvements because I asked. He would not have told me otherwise. I tend to ask a lot about a person's history if I'm dating them -- not to pry but because I really just want to know them better. But, I guess you are right in that he could have not told me all the stuff he did. You said "he was telling you that he was good for nothing genuine and only for smoke and mirrors" - and you are SO right on! I sometimes wonder about other women that might not like or respect him anymore. If they're out there, I don't know about them. The affair previous to me ended amicably and they are still "friends" now. I do not know if he keeps in touch with any of his other conquests, or what they think of him. I can't imagine that I'm the ONLY woman in the world who thinks this guy is a lying loser, however. If I am, that says something pretty bad about my relationship with him, that wasn't true of his others. ETA: Sorry to also threadjack! NoIDidn't feel free to PM me if you feel like it!
Guest Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 This can happen only if the OW is willing to gamble with the waiting! She could never know whether, when he will divorce the W. She has to be content with living for years as the OW without complaint. There are many factors that can affect the MM's final decision to divorce. Sometime, like in the 20 years case, perhaps the MM realized he's getting old? (assuming as in most cases the OW is younger than the W) Anyone shares my opinion?
stillhere Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 This can happen only if the OW is willing to gamble with the waiting! She could never know whether, when he will divorce the W. She has to be content with living for years as the OW without complaint. There are many factors that can affect the MM's final decision to divorce. Sometime, like in the 20 years case, perhaps the MM realized he's getting old? (assuming as in most cases the OW is younger than the W) Anyone shares my opinion? I agree that it's a gamble. Everything in life is. But as an OW/OM, you are gambling with your love life and possibly passing up potential mates just to be faithful to a man or woman who may never be yours. I disagree that you have to be content for years without complaining. In my case, my MM and i have "talks" pretty often. Either he starts the talk, or i do. Our last "talk" was on friday, and he was the one who started it. He was planning our future in his head, and he was worried about a few hang ups i have. I used to dread "talks" with others i was involved with. With MM, it tells me that he is serious about us and that he truely wants us to work out. He's taking precautions now to ensure that our future together will be successful. Even if we don't work out, i know i will have become a better person because of him. I know what i want out of my life and a mate, and i will not settle for less. Some may be throwing their lives away with MM/MW, but i think this relationship has helped me. I've learned so many things that i was unwilling or unable to do or see before. Even though i've suffered enough heartache to last me a lifetime, i've grown from this experience.
Kenzo Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 Some may be throwing their lives away with MM/MW, but i think this relationship has helped me. I've learned so many things that i was unwilling or unable to do or see before. Even though i've suffered enough heartache to last me a lifetime, i've grown from this experience. Eyes wide open...it's not always easy, but it's always cozy and warm in his arms. No matter how this all comes to a head, I am so glad to have gone through this, and to know him. I think someday he'll realise that his happiness matters, almost as much as his children's happiness and if i'm still here--- great. I'm not waiting around, more enjoying the right here, right now. It does help to know that it does happen, not that i'm counting on it!
stillhere Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 Eyes wide open...it's not always easy, but it's always cozy and warm in his arms. No matter how this all comes to a head, I am so glad to have gone through this, and to know him. I think someday he'll realise that his happiness matters, almost as much as his children's happiness and if i'm still here--- great. I'm not waiting around, more enjoying the right here, right now. It does help to know that it does happen, not that i'm counting on it! Exactly!! My MM knows that i can not and will not wait forever. I've also learned to enjoy the here and now. Although i do have my days where i will break and i feel our situation is hopeless, but i snap out of it. I used to sink into depression pretty often, but i learned that if i want to stick it out, i need to focus on me, not on what he is doing or what he was unable to do. I try to stay away from talks about our future. Although it is a long time goal, we can't have a future together if we can't deal with our present together.
Kenzo Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 I try to stay away from talks about our future. Although it is a long time goal, we can't have a future together if we can't deal with our present together. I'm not sure I'm willing to "gamble" with my future...but as stated so much throughout all of these threads, the addiction I feel to him (and I think him to me) is unlike anything either of us has felt before. Our only talks of the future are that of how it will hurt when we don't see each other anymore...so i think you are in a better stage with your relationship, as you are at least able to SEE a future together. I never, ever push the issue...silly as it sounds, I never want to waste our precious little time together arguing about things that may or may not ever be...I must be in denial... Something that I've learned here, as I have read so many threads trying to disect my relationship, is that he is probably so relieved that I don't really try to talk about US... Maybe I should bring it up, push the envelope a bit, problem is- I'm afraid to hear the answers he might give...so in all actuality, I am "gambling"... I'm so confused!!!
stillhere Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 Maybe I should bring it up, push the envelope a bit, problem is- I'm afraid to hear the answers he might give...so in all actuality, I am "gambling"... I'm so confused!!! I used to be terrified to hear his answers as well. My MM has always been honest with me. He does not sugar coat things, which i believe has helped us. He told me in the beginning that he would not leave his W. I understood this. Then we fell in love. He is not an emotional person, but i seem to bring out all of his better qualities. Hence, the "talks" that he starts more than me. He has even cried over me a few times, and he's never cried over a woman before in his life. I first started our "future" talks by saying that i would eventually have to learn to deal without him in my life. Not talking about finding someone else, just about not having him with me. He told me that there is the possibility that we will be together. That started the ball rolling. He has been putting some very serious thought into a future with me. I'm not saying that it will happen, and i'm trying not to keep my hopes up, i know that anything can happen. My MM seems very different than others i have read about. Not saying this means that he will leave for sure, but i have a better chance than some of the other OW's that post here. We talk every day, a couple times a day, and we see each other about 3-4 times a week when we aren't working. If we are working, obviously we see each other 5 days a week, but we usually don't have one on one time together. We do see each other outside of work about the same as when we aren't working, but at work, we see each other more. There is so much more than goes on between us, but i don't feel like getting into that right now. Only time will tell what happens, and i'm not going to waste our time together worrying and wondering.
Kenzo Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 Well it's not like it's never come up...on our very first "date" I did not know he was married, and it wasn't actually a date, more that he was able to get tickets to a band I was really into and he overheard me say how much I liked them...now he says he used it as his ticket in, but in the beginning I didn't even realize it was a date... Over conversation beforehand he mentioned, very casually, "was I ok with this"? and that was the first I heard the words "my wife" along with the words "unhappy", "divorce", "too young", "my kids"... It all came pouring out of him. He has said they are not in love and they live platonically, even somewhat friendly, for the sake of the kids and has also made comments about when the kids are older, blah, blah, blah...I can't do this for ten more years...that's for sure...but in my heart I knowthat I'll be settling for anyone else I meet...the chemistry with him is the once in lifetime kind!
woe_is_me Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 That just shows that there are always exceptions to every rule, There are lots of people who say if the mm doesn't leave within he first year he won't leave period. I guess your friend had almost given up hope . Would you mind sharing a few details, like did they have any periods of NC or did she date others c. Did she give him an ultimatum or was he caught or was it all to do with finances? Sorry guest i dont have a lot of details this was a friend of my old boss.. i know it to be true though.. i was actually eavesdropping at the time.. my boss and a friend of this man were discussing the situation as they both knew him. Im assuming that these people..after waiting twenty years must've been well into their fifties possibly? Not my age bracket so im sorry guest i wish i had more information myself!
Island Girl Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 But I have to say you are the only one who knows the honest and true feelings of your MM. Actually the only one who knows the honest and true feelings of the MM is the MM. Only actions tell the tale. The percentages aren't favorable where this is the case. You are one of the very few, not the many. Glad it worked out for you.
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