jude007 Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Hi there, Im not normallly one to post, or talk about things, but I just need some advice as im lost with out my ex.... Quick Background, I met this amazing girl over 4yrs ago, we had such a happy time - for 4 months, then before I knew it we split (her decision - she wasnt ready)... I was gutted, lost for a long time..... then after barely talkin to each other for a year, we spoke in our local bar, and we agreed to meet each other again, ended up going for a year, and we split again!! We got back together after talks, and then last for another 6 months, and we split again, in Feb 06, then got back together April 06 and split January 07!...... Firstly we did split alot I guess, but I honestly think we didnt communicate about things, let things build up, and then bamo - we are split.... but in amongst all these times, we shared a closed, amazing time together..... And now, its 2 months on , and I miss her like hell. I met her in a bar after no contact for 4 weeks, to clear the air and talk, and she got upset, and said we cant keep doing it to each other, and its for the best we have no contact, maybe an email or text now and then...... I pleaded with her last week, and asked her back she was not wanting too, we spoke over MSN, as she refused to see me....still no go.... I have sent emails how stupid, i have been, apologitic, promises, of marriage etc - still not moving her on this....... So now what do I do, I spoke with one of her girls this, week, and she said she recieved an email - from her saying that she is finding it really hard - but knows its for the best...... I think she is (rightly) scared of getting hurt, and is putting up this barrier.... The Things is I can see myself with her, Ive dated alot of women, but she is unique, and the most amazing women i have ever met..... but its wierd that sometimes I didnt feel always like that when with her..... I just dont know if I should send her emails, or say anything, if she really has made her mind up??? I just wonder if her head is trying to rule her heart.......
Author jude007 Posted March 5, 2007 Author Posted March 5, 2007 Just to add also, her girl, also told me that she has kept all my emails, in her inbox, and text's..... I did split with her, in a drunken argument, and I felt bad - that we never talked..... but the strange thing is when we met up we met, and before she got upset, we were getting along as if nothing had happened..... the other thing - her gal said that She missed me loads, but wasnt sure if it was the good times she missed clouding the bad..... and and that she was finding it really hard, but ddidnt eant to get into the trap of thinking it will work when it never will...... which I know now it will as we actually have opened up to each other, for the first time ever....in 3.5 yrs.... or maybe it is too late
jmargel Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 If you really love and care for her let her go. Right now you are being extremely selfish and by you continuing to hound her just shows that nothing will change. If you want this to make it work, write her an email stating that this is the last time you will be contacting her because you are respecting her wishes and that you are going to counseling (and do so!). Though I have a feeling you won't follow my advice, you are looking at ways to 'win her again', which is nothing but immature and again, selfish. The only way to break this cycle you are in, is to mature up. To learn how to commuicate better and to better yourself by counseling. What you are doing now is not respecting or loving her. You are being the needy little child that's still inside of you. If this sounds harsh, sorry but I feel it's something that you need to hear.
Author jude007 Posted March 5, 2007 Author Posted March 5, 2007 Ok, its jude here... First of all I see what your saying, however I would say that, only at times like this I dont take a deep breath, and think I admit that, I have not contacted her in the last 5 days. As she said we had too much contact. I have been talking to her friends, as we are all buddys...... I wouldnt say I needed councelling, I know I have taken a reality check with this all.... But some of what you said has helped thanks
littlebopeep Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 As hard as it is,no contact is the best way for you to try and get over her.If you are constantly contacting her,it will only push her further away.Im going through the breakup of a 4.5 year relationship,(he ended it)and although i still really love him i have never emailed/phoned/text etc because i know it would make me feel worse. Its been nearly 6 months since he ended it and although i miss him im keeping myself busy with uni/friends/driving etc.I remember a couple of years ago 1 of his closest friends ended a 4 year relationship and his ex constantly was on the phone or texting him. I remember him saying oh no not again and showing his friends all the messages she was sending him which wasnt nice,i promised myself that day that if i was ever in the same situation i would never want to think my ex would humiliate me like that. My problem (or not as the case may be)is that apart from 1/2 convos on msn hes harly been in contact at all either so no chance of us getting back together lol.Ive found though that no contact is best though,it gives you time to heal.
Author jude007 Posted March 7, 2007 Author Posted March 7, 2007 Thanks for the reply, its just feels like its crazy, its true what they say you dont know what you have until u dont huh!..... Im the same its approaching 2 months since we split, she has met up with me once, we ended up talking, as mentioned, and she got upset... I asked her to meet up, she said its not a good idea....and she knows it will never work..... its hard when you love someone..... and she pops up on MSN everynight, but none of us will make the first move to talk....... Ive been asked out 2x since we split, but im not ready, but when will i ever be ready...i have a mixture of feelings, but something had to give, we couldnt keep on splitting up....however I really feel that her past plays a part, she was literally ditched at the isle (1 month) before her wedding, to a guy, who she found out was a cheating rat, over 10 women have been mentioned in the 7 years she was with him.... Her girlfriends, are also my friends, and one said that she was confused, and also hurt bad - and gutted as she really wanted it to work, she also said she has all my emails I have sent still in her inbox...... "... But i know people handle things differently...... but all I guess I can do, is pray that I get some peace in this time, heal, and also that I guess I am blessed to have met someone as nice as this lady..... It just really guts me to the bone, that - I should never of asked her for some time - i was impatient, but as far as she is concerned , that it wont work, or it would have worked all these other times!....... Thanks for listening
jmargel Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 It doesn't matter if she has your emails in her inbox, it doesnt matter if she still has pictures of 'you two'. What matters is that she wants to be left alone. I'm sure it's not easy for her to do this, so with that you have to know this is something she really needs. Now the blame is not all on you, since I am sure she has done her fair share of wrongs in the relationship. You just have to becareful that this doesn't turn into an obession whereas every little thing she says or you hear about gives you hope of getting back together. My friends would often do that when my ex left, and it gave me false hope and didn't give me the ability to move on. As for MSN, I would take her off your list, it's a move that you should do. She knows how to contact you by phone if she wishes, and there's no need to be wondering what she's doing online when you see her name. You have to start somewhere. however I really feel that her past plays a part IMO it doesn't matter if it does or not. You can't be her counselor and she is responsible for the decisions she makes. None of us know what is going through her head, and trying to guess will make you nuts. Right now the best thing you can do is keep no contact, think of it as a gift you are giving her. If she does decide to come back, I believe counseling would be in order here. Otherwise it'll just happen again. In the mean time start focusing on yourself, setting short term goals and making yourself happy. Learn from your mistakes and don't dwell on any guilt or 'what ifs'. It's time to take control of yourself.
thecount Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 jmargel, i couldn't agree with you more. I've played "the what if" games, and all it did was make me nuts. Let her figure it out, and during the time she's figuring things out, You should be doing the same. and quite frankly, if you truly love someone, theres nothing to figure out. My ex told me that she didn't know if she wanted to be in a relationship, she needed to figure things out. I told her, I was insulted. I treated her with respect and dignity. In return she took my dignity, and she has to figure things out? No thank you, good-bye. There's so much you can do to a person, Love or no love, you hurt 'em enough, they are gone.
Author jude007 Posted March 7, 2007 Author Posted March 7, 2007 Ok, the latest is she replied to an email, and im going to take your advice, she said she want to meet up soon, but we shoudl cut the emails.... she said she is hoping we can salvage a friendship.... so I guess thatz what i can do for her, be friends, but not like close....that would be too much agree???? its hard saying goodbye, but guess there is nothing left to say? I would just like to add I have never been like this with anyone in my life, and she has been the exception, which is another thing that scares me I guess!
jmargel Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 Honestly I think you are hoping the friendship will rekindle things, but you are setting yourself up for a big letdown. She has no other intentions with you when she mentions friendship. Your best course of action is to go no contact, learn from the experience and move on. Let her be happy. If you care for her, you would. Trying to be just a friend with her is not going to get her back, no matter how much wishing you do. You have found your closure, so learn to accept it. If you continue this, you are going to really scare her. You first love is always hard to get over, but just about everyone on this forum has gone through it and survived. You will to, stay strong and set short term goals for yourself.
Author jude007 Posted March 11, 2007 Author Posted March 11, 2007 Well today, we met up for lunch got on great amazing, went back to her flat, for a coffee, and then we spoke about things.... I said that either you want to be with a person or not, she agreed.... I said its better we dont see each other, she said maybe thats for best.... but she felt we are salvaging a friendship but if i wanted no cotnact then maybe we should, but she felt was being nasty?!!?!? ...... she did admit we should never have split up but we did so cant change the clok now... so now leaving it........
Author jude007 Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 Hey there, well heres an update to add to this crazy start to 07... Well i tried to go NC, but then I get her calling, texting, just asking how doing, etc... But Ive been blunt this time, and said I will be there as a friend, (as I she had health worries, and I do care)_ but in terms of us, ive given you enough time to realise what you want - the way I see it you either want to be with someone or you dont....... and you have made a decision which I dont agree with but you have made a decision that you felt was for the best! - and I cant change that - its been a terrible 3 months for me, and Im finally realising that maybe you are right we are better split..... (even tho in that time we have been in mostly regular contact, email text etc) Then we have NC for over 2 Weeks - and then she calls me up says the guy that dumped her before she met me 4yrs ago - had been in contact with her.... I was like well its nothing to do with me, just as anything like that is nothing to do with you - relationships etc.... she said " i would never get back with that @sshole", i said yes he is, and kept it short and sweet, then she tried to explain why he contacted her..... she then asked me if im seeing anyone - I was like no (actually could not believe she said that 2 me) - she then said well if you do I would appreciate it if you did tell me! So we chatted, and then left each other be - she then texted 3 days later, I have a birthday card, and present for u, nothing big, but will u come and get it, or will i pop in!?!? So I poppd in - get it, and its all fine and dandy - just as friends should be...... So now im in a position - what the hell do i do? continue this?, or can I really be bothered with all the hassle.... - I actually dont know why she told me bout her ex, as we split in jan!, Ive been asked out by a girl, i met and think she is lovely but think it may be too soon..... What do you guys think.......????
Author jude007 Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 Well its nearly 3 months now, and the NC, is hard, man but its for the best.... We have decided to meet up in 1 month, dont know if that will do good.... We had long chats on the phone, but as much we spoke we just agreed to disagree, and she finalised it by saying "she wanted it to work sooo much, but it never will as we have split 4 times now", it shouldnt be that difficult ......... maybe she is right but I really do know where we went wrong, but im not chasing rainbows anymore either - thanks to all that gave me support - Feb/March was the hardest month of my life! and finally pray - the lord will give u strength and find your peace and also learn to love yourself. One final question - do women want what they cant have??? or is that a myth??
mistizzle21 Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 Babydoll, EVERYONE wants what they can't have at some point or another in their lives.
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