luvstarved Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Well I must have bored everyone silly with my rantings (0 replies on last post!) but still chewing my brain over all this so I am making an appointment with sex therapist. This morning H started with his usual "ya wanna" and I just said no, not until we've worked out some issues, then told him I would like to go to a sex therapist I found online. He sounded open in a very reserved way. "ok" "sounds very professional", etc, then he changed the subject and picked on me about some unrelated thing... My goal is to get him to start TALKING to me about sex. There are no huge dysfunctional issues, just an unwillingness to communicate and improve. Would like to hear about others' experiences with this kind of therapy, good and bad. I don't want to get too optimistic, but right now I feel relieved just knowing I have taken this step. Thanks for listening...
Road Rage Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Well Luvstarved you have certainly given working on your marriage a profound effort. I wish you ultimate success.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 He sounded open in a very reserved way. "ok" "sounds very professional", etc, then he changed the subject and picked on me about some unrelated thing... Do you think there is a connection between your bringing up the therapy and him "picking" on you? He sounds scared and defensive... Mr. Lucky
Author luvstarved Posted March 7, 2007 Author Posted March 7, 2007 Yes Mr Lucky, he is very scared and defensive, as am I, really. But he is more open and enthused about the idea now, even though we still have not discussed any details about what would be talked about. We both know that the problem is that he has fallen into a preference for masturbation and porn over real sex. Or at least with me. Whether that is due to other relationship issues or just boredom or selfishness or a brewing addiction remains to be seen. I say we both know even though he will not really admit it at this point. He has been all over the map with his responses when I have tried to talk about it with him, but the biggest problem is his not wanting to discuss it at all, always trying to say "focus on the positive", "there really isn't a problem", "we just don't have time", etc. I don't know whether he avoids the discussion because he wants to keep things as they are, doesn't want to hurt me by admitting his boredom with me, is ashamed and embarrassed of his behavior, or what. But tonight he actually said he would be the one to call the therapist and that makes me very optimistic indeed. I do appreciate the support I get here.
Salicious Crumb Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 Well I must have bored everyone silly with my rantings (0 replies on last post!) but still chewing my brain over all this so I am making an appointment with sex therapist. This morning H started with his usual "ya wanna" and I just said no, not until we've worked out some issues, then told him I would like to go to a sex therapist I found online.. What are the "issues"?
Salicious Crumb Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 Yes Mr Lucky, he is very scared and defensive, as am I, really. But he is more open and enthused about the idea now, even though we still have not discussed any details about what would be talked about. We both know that the problem is that he has fallen into a preference for masturbation and porn over real sex.. Ok...ignore my asking what the issue is..I didn't see this post. Well he obviously asked you if you "wanna"...sounds like he does want sex with you. Is he preferring masterbating over you? Or do you avoid sex with him and thats why he is spanking it?
Mr. Lucky Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 I don't know whether he avoids the discussion because he wants to keep things as they are, doesn't want to hurt me by admitting his boredom with me, is ashamed and embarrassed of his behavior, or what. But tonight he actually said he would be the one to call the therapist and that makes me very optimistic indeed. I hope it goes well for you; keep us posted. You seem to have a healthy knack for self-analysis and maybe your husband will pick up on this in therapy. Do you think he spends much time reflecting on the obvious sexual problems the two of you have? His "stick his head in the sand" approach seems like a big part of your stalemate... Mr. Lucky
Author luvstarved Posted March 7, 2007 Author Posted March 7, 2007 Well he obviously asked you if you "wanna"...sounds like he does want sex with you. Is he preferring masterbating over you? Or do you avoid sex with him and thats why he is spanking it? SC, It is a long story that could be pieced together from my posts, but the short version is that we had virtually sexless marriage until I told him I could not take it any more. He seemed happy with the status quo (masturbating) and started having sex with me again more or less because I demanded it. But it is very impersonal and clear to me that he has no independent interest in me that way. I have been wrassling with this for years and just getting more insistent about resolving it. I avoided sex with him the other morning because I was tired of watching him masturbate and then stick it into me to finish off with no other interaction between us. That is not my definition of having sex with another person. Otherwise, I am very open minded and responsive and have never denied him sex (well, maybe 2 other times in ten years for some very good reason or another). The bottom line for me is that this is a marriage. I am not his mom or his sister or his friend. Sexual fulfillment is supposed to be one of the joys and "perks" of marriage and should reflect the intimacy of the relationship. I WANT TO TEAR DOWN THE WALLS AND WORK TO GET TO THE INTIMACY THAT SHOULD BE THERE! But his goal seems to be to keep me in the marriage with the minimum possible effort on his part in this realm. Yeah you heard resentment there, and I am fighting it. Obviously I am the one who is not happy with this situation so I am trying to remember that he seems willing to work on it...but his tendency to deflect, deny, etc to make himself come out as the "good guy" do worry me. I don't know why it seems so critically important that he comes off looking good/being right at all costs in these situations, but...well there I go ranting again.
Author luvstarved Posted March 7, 2007 Author Posted March 7, 2007 I hope it goes well for you; keep us posted. You seem to have a healthy knack for self-analysis and maybe your husband will pick up on this in therapy. Do you think he spends much time reflecting on the obvious sexual problems the two of you have? His "stick his head in the sand" approach seems like a big part of your stalemate... Mr. Lucky Mr Lucky, Thanks. It isn't much of a knack because I have chewed on this mentally for years and only through much analysis (which is my nature) have I ruled out other things. But analysis is not what is going to fix this. He does not think of this as far as I can tell except to the point of preserving the state of marriage and being able to do what he wants as much as he can. I don't recall a single time when he was the one who brought up the subject. I realize I can't just make him want me, but my hope is that he loves me enough in his own way to make some effort to work on the intimacy and that the wanting me will eventually follow...
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