Acceptance

[oppath]

Today was great and I was thinking "I'm finally moving on and getting over her." Now I can't sleep despite the assistance of prescription sleep medication. I'm laying in bed ruminating as a result.

 

I repaired my relationship with my ex's (2 months, dated for 6) friends this weekend (it was never actually broken) and felt very relieved. I want some of these people to remain my friends as we will see each other periodically, and a couple might be good friends.

 

However, I completely burned the bridge with my ex. Her reasons for the break up are best summarized in an email she sent me a couple days after:

I am an imbecile for giving you up. Please understand that my reasons for doing so have nothing to do with my feelings towards you, for I hold you in the most ardent esteem. It would be unfair of me to hold you in this relationship when very soon I will not have enough time for myself, let alone another person. Plus I have yet to discover the character and being of myself, and I could not expect someone to come along with me on this path of self discovery when it is such an intimate, introspective and dubious journey. I understand if you wish to remain angry with me. By all means, it was a very selfish move on my part that I had to make. You have a beautiful soul and mind, and I hate myself for hurting you in any way. I should have never gotten involved with you romantically, but given the opportunity, I would do it over again for in the short time being with you, I had such incredible experiences that I would never wish to change. I only wish that I were ready emotionally to be romantically involved with another person so I could continue to make you happy

 

I didn't understand what the hell that meant and felt it violated all the "break up rules": false hope, obnoxious, cliche reasons, etc. I said some irrational mean things when 2 weeks later she asked to be FWB and again 2 weeks after that when one of her friends, who sought me out to remain my friend, told me her ex of 5 years proposed to her 2 weeks before she dumped me (she said no). I regret those actions but know it was a defense mechanism, not necessarily a HEALTHY one: burn the bridge so she can't come back after hurting me, insulting my love for her, and violating my trust.

 

I know I can't dissect her email any more. My feeling is that when her ex came back, she realized she got involved in a new relationship too soon and was "mostly" telling the truth. This does not make it ok.

 

My issues are

(1) accepting that it is over, that I burned the bridge and would not want a reconciliation after all this. This is tough for me because before that email, she went out of her way to persist she had feelings for me. So now, I blame myself that I didn't give her space and flipped out, although SHE IS THE ONE who did the damage, not me. She insulted and belittled me and she violated my trust and omitted big information, which is the same as lying. I very much want to get past this. I'm actually ok with how I acted after seeing her friends. My dignity is restored, but I did destroy any chance of reconcilation. Rationally, however, SHE DESTROYED IT. SHE DID THE DAMAGE.

 

(2) Fear. Will time really heal this? I want to preserve our "mutual" friendships but I typically go years between meeting someone I feel I "could" fall in love with. This was another reason for burning the bridge. I can't be friends with an ex because of my relationship (and family) history. I've scarcely felt love in my life or the potential for it and become jealous when I see someone else with a new bf; my esteem really suffers in these situations because it appears so much easier for others. Yes, this is irrational, but I hadn't felt "love" for someone in 8 years. This does not mean it will take me another 8 years, but I was falling for her, very attracted to her, and happier with her than I have ever been in my life. This is why I won't be her friend; I won't put myself in situations where I feel bad.

 

So...how do I accept that SHE SCREWED UP. And how do I cease to compare myself (irrationally) to her and others and trust I will love? I want the happiness I had with her. It can wait, and she has flaws in the forefront of my mind, but the connection, fun, sex, and intimacy were unbelievable for me. I've dated lots of girls but haven't had many relationships and I'm convinced she'll be engaged before I get a new gf based on my history! In actuality, the opposite could happen.

 

In a way I'm thankful for the break up because it forces me to keep refining my dating skills and bettering myself to attract a better partner. It's just always "felt" more difficult for me though that is not necessarily true. Just because I think or feel that way does not mean it is that way. I basically didn't start dating until I was 24 and am a late bloomer; I'm 27 now. I had a gf at 19 briefly and was burned, and dated a couple girls around 21-22 but not really. The last 3 years I've gone on dates with maybe 40 women but still lack internal confidence (not necessarily external). Any persepctive is appreciated. It's always tough to let go of your first adult love, and she didn't make it easier with her false hope.

[princesspeaches]

Firstly, I believe first loves are the hardest to get over. I still have feelings for my first love, honestly the only thing that ever helped was time and staying busy. in terms of accepting that she screwed things up, its doing just that. Say it wasn't my fault, she did this. I think that time does heal all wounds that are meant to be healed. In regards to the break up email, well email is terrible way to break up unless its necessary. My s/o said some of those things to me about being to busy in the beginning. He really felt like he was holding me back, by working three jobs and not be able to give me the attention he thought i needed. we worked past that and things are much better right now. maybe she really does feel like she is holding you back? is it possible that maybe she would like to fix things with you? Maybe her ex coming back put things in perspective and she needed to think you know? I'm sorry your hurting though, I know there isn't much anyone can say that will make it feel better.

[oppath]

No. It is not possible she wants to fix things with me. I burned the bridge completely by saying HARSH things to her after learning about her ex. I apologized but she won't acknowledge it. And she did not break up via email, she did it face to face. The email was sent as further justification a couple days later.

 

I just felt FWB was MEAN and way over the line and not telling me about her ex showed a she didn't really value or respect our relationship. I still feel those things. I jumped to the conclusion that her reasons were total BS and I didn't believe her, so when she asked for FWB I jumped to the conclusion that she didn't really have feelings for me and I was just a rebound to her (this was not necessarily true), and when I learned about her ex this validated my suspicion that everything she said was BS (again, not necessarily true).

 

The things I said to her are not immutable. I would be completely empathetic in the reverse situation, but I can't contact her again. I apologized sincerely. It's time to move on.

 

But it is tough. I have to get over not my first love, but my first adult love. And I have to get over the fact that I acted irrational and undignified and ruined any chance of reconciliation. Yet, why would I want reconciliation? She should have mentioned her ex in some way and it was mean of her to ask for FWB.

 

I'm irrational in that I jump to the conclusion that there would have been a good chance she would have come back to me -- but there is NO evidence for that. I can't read minds. At the same time, I'm sad because I ruined any chance of reconciliation. And I'm very jealous because I envision her being with someone and being happy. I have some anxiety and depression issues to work through now and am miserable, and I've struggled to find intimate connections in my life.

 

How she acted was not ok and her justification was not thorough. The thing is: I believe her now. I believe she was just scared. I believe she was not just giving me a bunch of BS lines. I understand she was in a tough position. I will love again but I need to accept that my reactions were forgiveable and understandable given the information I received, and I need to accept there is nothing I can do to make amends, and I need to accept that I will love again intensely. I need to accept that while she probably will love again before me this does not diminish my capacity to love or how desirable I am to the opposite sex.

[oppath]

Nope, she was lying to me through and through. She thought I was a cool guy to hang out with but only wanted sex. Her having feelings for me was a line. She sees nothing wrong with asking for FWB because for her, it was all about sex. This comes mostly from the horses mouth.

[kitten chick]

I feel for you, I really do, her letter to you seemed incredibly nice to me, I would kill to have an ex say something like that to me. But you're right, asking for an FWB was not fair when she knew you were having difficulty getting over it. I don't necessarily blame you for your reaction but you're right, you probably said some harsh things that she won't let go and you're right, you don't want to reconcile with her anyway. I think you just need A LOT of time to get some perspective on what really happened and I think it's normal to go through all of the reasons that you think it didn't work out...like she used you for sex. You'll probably come up with a dozen more theories before you are over it. I like how you said you needed to get over your first adult love, not your first love, because my dating experience is similar to yours. Found love very early in life, earlier than you even, I dated a lot in my early 20s but never really got into a serious relationship. Then a little more than years ago I met my now ex, dated for about a year, the last 6 months were pretty serious. He was my first adult love and after 2 years of healing, I'm able to be in relationships but I don't know if I'll ever get over it. I know my opinion of what happened has changed many many times over the 2 years but getting perspective helped. Just take time and let all of your emotions out but find a healthy outlet.

[oppath]

No, I don't think her letter was nice. I find it obnoxious and cliche and full of false hope. And, it's not just a theory, she was trying to let me down easy by not saying "you know, I do like you but I'm not really feeling it." By saying she was feeling it, opened up a world of hurt and confusion.

 

Yes, I was an ass. I was mean. She likely thought she did nothing wrong by asking for FWB when in my eye, it belittled me. She probably thought she was sparing my feelings by not telling me her ex proposed shortly before she dumped me. To me it meant she did not value or respect our relationship.

 

Yes, the power is in her hands. I've apologized and expressed a desire to make amends. Only she can make that choice. I've learned how I reacted was wrong. That is a powerful lesson to learn. I will apply it to future relationships.

 

If she wanted to reconcile, she would have done it. If she wants to clear the air for the sake of mutual friends, she would do it. She's not being mature about it at all.