kaien Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 I met a Japanese girl that's 4 years older than me and started a long distance relationship. She knows how I feel, but I never get any direct "I love/like you" from her. She does tell me words of concern for me(health, work, etc) and I appreciate it very much. I heard that many women in Japan are more reserved compared to American woman. I feel empty from this since I only dated local girls that were much more straight forward. If she accepted my feelings and continued to communicate with me, should I take that as a "yes"? Oh, and she seems to have reported my existence to her family and friends(with positive feedback). Thanks
magichands Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Oh, and she seems to have reported my existence to her family and friends(with positive feedback). Wow. Reporting your existence is such a positive sign. And the positive feedback means that rumours of your nonexistence were greatly exaggerated. All seems right on track. I said it once, and I will say it again - what's love got to do with it?!
Sweetie2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Maybe you should ask her, straight forward, if she sees a future with you? Ask her some questions that you know she will be comfortable answering, and maybe, from that, you can determine how she feels. I know some people just don't feel comfortable saying the L word, and maybe because of how she has been brought up, it's just not normal/natural for her to say it...it's good that your willing to accept that. If her family and friends know about you, then you know she thinks a lot about you. How did you meet her, btw, if you don't mind sharing?
Author kaien Posted March 5, 2007 Author Posted March 5, 2007 Thanks for the reply! I met her through my family, which happened to know her older sister. They visited the US around Sept, 06 and we started to exchange emails. She then came here with a good friend of hers last month, and I was able to tell her how I felt about her. I treated them the "American style" and they were amazed. I guess men in Japan don't treat them half as nice? Anyway, I was able to sneak her out for a night drive to a nearby scenic point while her friend was shopping and asked if she was dating anyone atm. She replied "no" and the reason being "I think my expectations are too high". So I told her my feelings along with a casual gift. Didn't want to give her too much pressure, so I added that if this Mr.Right does come across, she can forget me and go about her own happiness. She asked me, "How do American girls respond to a situation like this?" and I answered, "Just do what you feel". I got a "hug" in response. She is 33 this year, and I'm 29. I told her that the age difference has no effect on me. She was also surprised by the fact that I had the balls to tell how I felt. Eversince, we email each other 3-4 times a week. I sent her a meaningful Valentine's card, and she accepted that too. Up to here, I had my experiences. But now that this is a LDR, it is a different story. I'm used to the L word or "you're my best friend" liners, but she is a bit different. It's like the signs are there, but the pieces to the puzzle are missing. Because of this, I guess I have this anxiety that this whole thing may just "vaporize" if I'm not there for her. The only reassuring thing is that I was able to make an unforgettable impression on her that night. Now that things might be getting more serious(family/friends involved), I'm falling more in love with her. Again, I don't want to pressure her too much so I keep the L word for special occasions only(though I do say that I miss her). I don't know, should I just let fate take its course?
Sweetie2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 It sounds to me like she's interested in you, if she's telling her friends about you, that's a definete sigh. Maybe you should just ask her, how she feels, or what she thinks will come of the relationship in the future? Is there a way that the two of you could be together for in RL? That's stuff you need to figure out with her. If I were her, I would want you to ask my opinion, and find out what I'm comfortable with or not, so that you weren't pushing me too far. If your honest with her, then fate will take it's course either way, I guess you just wait and see what happens, but sometimes, you can push it along a little... good luck!
BlueEyedSarah Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Yes it sounds like she is ver intrested in you! Don't worry so much about her not saying she loves you, let her have time to say it, its not something which should be forced out of some one. Good luck!
taiko Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Cultural differences can be a pain. I remember in the original Shall We Dance there was a throw away line about how there is no PDA with Japanese couples so ballroom dancing was a culturally deviant thing for them. Unlike the Gere/Lopez version were the gay stereotype of male dancers was ther reason for hiding their dancing. You may never get an I love you, whereas other cultures throw the word out easily. Have you discussed one of you making another trip to see each other? Speciifically to see each other not for business or to visit someone else.
Sweetie2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 women in Japan are more reserved compared to American woman. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Japanese_values read that, it might help you a little bit with understanding her, and why she might act the way she does. I didn't read all of it, but I skimmed it, and it seems to have a lot of information. I hope it helps...
catrocks Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Like everyone else suggested, I would just straight out ask her - she might not be used to people being so open and honest but tell her how you feel and that you really want to know how she feels. And expect lots of misunderstandings because of the difference in culture. But definitely go for it if you really want to know if this has a future. From what you've said, it does sound like she likes you though
Author kaien Posted March 6, 2007 Author Posted March 6, 2007 Thanks for the all the feedback! I'll see what the outcome is when I do ask her how she feels.
taiko Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 it doesnt hurt to ask her Being a different culture it might hurt to straight up ask her. It might be better to come from her flank. ask about visiting each other rather then bluntly how do you feel about me.
Author kaien Posted March 18, 2007 Author Posted March 18, 2007 Hello all, The girl that I am having a LDR is acting "weird". She started to act as if she is ignoring me. She does reply, but with short two liners about nothing of the past letter. She doesn't answer my questions, making me feel like I am talking to a wall. My friends tell me that this is a "test" that many women unconsciously do to see how I react. Is this true? It's hard to react since I can't talk to her in the eye. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Sweetie2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Hello all, The girl that I am having a LDR is acting "weird". She started to act as if she is ignoring me. She does reply, but with short two liners about nothing of the past letter. She doesn't answer my questions, making me feel like I am talking to a wall. My friends tell me that this is a "test" that many women unconsciously do to see how I react. Is this true? It's hard to react since I can't talk to her in the eye. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Well, I can't speak for every girl, but myself, I've never done this kind of a "test" with any guy. If I wanted to test a guy to see how much he liked me, I might pull back, for a few days, see what he does, but I wouldn't at all act like I'm ignoring the guy. I would still answer questions, and write, but shorter emails than usual, like if I usually wrote 3 pages a day, I'd cut back, make things more direct, quick, and tell the guy I'm busy with life stuff (whatever was happening at the given time), then see how he reacted...if he missed the contact, or if he just let it go and didn't care how much he got to talk to me or not. I've never done this, but if I were to do anything similar, that's how I'd do it... Have you told her that you miss the longer emails, and the conversations that you two used to have? Maybe, just once, you should write her this really lovey, romantic email, and see what she does. Your friends could be right about it being a test...but if it is, then it sounds weird to me. Talk to her about it...maybe school is taking a lot of time now, so she's distracted? I don't know the situation...
Author kaien Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 Well, things are not getting any better and I preparing for the worst. Something probably happened on her side to distance herself from me. I've played games like this before, it ain't fun, and I have no intentions on going along with it. I can't really force the reason out of her, so I'll just not write back for a long time. If she is serious about this whole thing, I'm sure she will do something about it.
Author kaien Posted March 23, 2007 Author Posted March 23, 2007 Update: Ok, I was able to talk to her on the phone the other day. She told me that she thinks that e-mails alone can't bring the "trust" in a relationship. She wants to come visit me, but it's not hard on her to not be able to see me at the moment. But she is happy when she gets mails from me... wait, i'm getting mixed signals here. I really like her, and my actions after this may screw everything up. Pls help!
catrocks Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 I'm not sure what to suggest, it seems like a really odd situation. Perhaps you should give her some time and suggest you just get to know and trust each other better as friends for the moment, and see where it goes from there. I don't want to be all cliche, but I really think that the cultural difference is still a factor. I can't say from direct experience unfortunately, but I think there is much more of a cultural difference than we think between Western countries and Asia. I'm sorry I can't be more help, I understand you must be confused from the mixed messages she's sending you, but perhaps if you cool it down for a bit she will start to be able to trust you better. If emails are all you have, then she will have to trust you that way, and if she wants to come visit you, even better!
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