ridingthebulls Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 Lucky...I'm truly a neurotic freak...I watched him put the boxers on before work...they were clean, from the drawer....when he came home and changed, I grabbed the boxers from the floor and did my stupid little test...I don't think you quite understand, I monitored all this because I revolved my days around catching him...I'm not in this forum to have someone try to convince me to second guess myself...I'm trying to get away from this behaviour....I have caught him and he has admitted his infidelities, at least on 20 different occassions, all with prostitutes. We have sought therapy for it. The issue here is not his cheating, it's why the hell I keep sticking around and still feel like I'm in love. You said he has some kind of "post-orgasmic drip" so that doesn't really exclude masturbation from the theory. I think you need more evidence than this imo. But I guess you know him better than anyone. Are you still in counselling or has that ship sunk? I think you might catch him cheating if you followed him etc, but what will that do? You have said that he has cheated on 20 occasions and you are still with him anyways. If you think he has changed, then get someone to follow him or you do it yourself, catch him in the act and then say good-bye. He has some mental issues of course and probably needs some kind of drugs to suppress his freaky sexual desires.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 I have caught him and he has admitted his infidelities, at least on 20 different occassions, all with prostitutes. We have sought therapy for it. The issue here is not his cheating, it's why the hell I keep sticking around and still feel like I'm in love. You musy have a pretty high tolerance for pain! Even a cat only has 9 lives. At 20 infidelities (and counting), you have basically given him permission to cheat. If you didn't didn't bail after the first 1 or 2 occasions, why think about leaving now? And why all the "detective" stuff? So you can bust him for the 21st time? I don't get it... Mr. Lucky
Author shecat28 Posted March 7, 2007 Author Posted March 7, 2007 Yes...I have resumed counselling. It really hits home when I hear/read someone else saying how sick I must be. You're right, i did pretty well gave him the ok to do so after catching him, accepting his apologies and staying with him. Like I said, I'm not too sure what's wrong with me. It's been 5 days now, and other than replying to his text messages regarding our child, I have not called him or cried too much.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 And why all the "detective" stuff? So you can bust him for the 21st time? I don't get it... Mr. Lucky Gosh, that's hard to explain but anyone who decides to stay gets kind of caught up in this cycle. Someone is telling you what you want most in the world to believe. What they say can ease the pain for atleast a minute or two. Your broken heart does everything in the world to ease the pain. Then, let your gaurd down or even fall asleep and your subconcious kicks in and you become completely at odds with yourself again, you're split between what you WANT to believe and what you KNOW. The checking isn't to bust him as much as it is a search to prove the heart right, "look, he isn't doing anything wrong now!" You're trying to prove what you want to believe, people on the other side can't really understand that I guess.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 Gosh, that's hard to explain but anyone who decides to stay gets kind of caught up in this cycle. Someone is telling you what you want most in the world to believe. What they say can ease the pain for atleast a minute or two. Your broken heart does everything in the world to ease the pain. Then, let your gaurd down or even fall asleep and your subconcious kicks in and you become completely at odds with yourself again, you're split between what you WANT to believe and what you KNOW. I agree with your thoughts based on the first or second time - but 20 times (I'm taking her at her word) isn't a rationalization, it's a lifestyle choice. You've given him a lifetime get-out-of-jail-free card, which he obviously does not hesitate to use. Shecat28, I understand why he treats you so poorly. What I don't understand is why you treat yourself the same way... Mr. Lucky
Author shecat28 Posted March 8, 2007 Author Posted March 8, 2007 I don't know why I do that to myself either. I saw my therapist today. He reassured me that I wasn't crazy but reiterated how unhealthy my behaviour is. Not the part about staying with him, but more the part about revolving my entire day around catching him. He said that if I choose to stay, I need to accept that he's not going to change without serious help, and even if he were to get help, he may still not be capable of changing. &*$#@! that. God, I hope I can stay strong this time.
RecordProducer Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Have you heard of the TV show "Cheaters"? They do the PI work for you, but you have to be willing to take pubilicity. The whole world will knwo the details.
ridingthebulls Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Have you heard of the TV show "Cheaters"? They do the PI work for you, but you have to be willing to take pubilicity. The whole world will knwo the details. Tell us when you're on the air shecat... We'll have a loveshack popcorn-eating slumber party.
jmargel Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 When I was having problems, I turned to that show. They told me if they did not find anything that nothing would ever be shown or said to anyone. That they don't create problems that aren't there. I was able to find a way to resolve my own problem, but with yours it might be another matter. It wouldn't hurt to at least talk to them.
Seen_It_All Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 My husband has been cheating on me since before we were married in 2004; after all, that's how we got together. I hate to say it, but that saying, "if he'll do it WITH you, he'll do it TO you" really DOES have merit, as much as the OW on this site would like to pretend that saying is wrong. SheCat, you knew the guy was a snake when you picked him up - why are you suprised that his snake-like behavior continues? You thought perhaps the love of a good woman would fix him? Wrong. Whatever's driven him to act like an alley cat all these years is STILL the driving force behind his behavior to this very day. Your love simply ain't gonna fix that. Until he fixes what's causing him to continually pursue this type of behavior, it's never going to change.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Whatever's driven him to act like an alley cat all these years is STILL the driving force behind his behavior to this very day. Your love simply ain't gonna fix that. Amen to that!!!! And HE ain't gonna fix it either, cause to him there is nothing to fix! Unfortunate but that's the reality.
Ladywithafan Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 ...we all have different ways of working out the hurt...but...20 is enough....actually, in my world, I was stupid enough to give 3 strikes way too many.... My xhusband ( an M.D.)got his "then" girlfriend (R.N.)pregnant twice before I knew that the pregnancy I found out about had occured...at that point, we had been married nine years, together like 13 and I had a one year old and my other was three....I do not believe in this kind of behaviour....divorced him...there's a lot more but I'm not giving up my movie! Lots of sex, drugs & grateful dead... There is, however, a movie you should rent, "The Unbearable Lightness of Being." It's subtitled but worth it..... It's like this, when you let go of what is making you heavy, you can not imagine how good it feels to be light! You can now open your own private eye firm for women who think their husband's are cheating on them...but seriously, you know what time it is....wouldn't it feel great to not to look for clues that only reinforce what your intuition is telling you.... You have proved your point...now, get a lawyer, get the $, and go on vacation!!!!
RecordProducer Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 When I was having problems, I turned to that show. They told me if they did not find anything that nothing would ever be shown or said to anyone. That they don't create problems that aren't there. They're full of sh*t. If they don't find anything, they don't have a story for the show, it's not that they don't want to create problems. Yellow journalism and "not creating problems where they don't exist" are two opposite things. They have to show legitimate events. I don't know if they make up stories with actors, but they won't make up a story with real people and they won't show a story where nobody is cheating. The thing is, if you are a cheating story, they will make fun of the cheater and everyone will know what happened. You may or may not want to share details with the whole world. I think it's good for those who feel that their partner is making a fool out of them. They can make a fool out of him for everyone to see.
Author shecat28 Posted March 10, 2007 Author Posted March 10, 2007 Wow...lots has happened since I was last here. I smiled and laughed so much as I was reading everybody's posts. Ha ha...no popcorn and entertainment at my expense for you, riding the bulls. I can humiliate myself without the world watching. The last few days have been great. He's moving out. He's tried to piss me off by asking for pretty well everything of value in the house, but I've complied with everything and he's not getting the reaction that he's hoping for. My lawyer is serving, him with a demand letter on Tuesday, which I know is going to make him &%$#@*! once he reads it. I just sit here and remember the pornos he made me watch, and the different messages from whores that I listened to on his voice mail. I cringe. So far, I've been staying pretty strong. Who wants to live on thin ice everyday, checking nasty boxers, sneakily checking phone messages. I'm so blown away that I allowed myself to sink so low.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 Wow...lots has happened since I was last here. I smiled and laughed so much as I was reading everybody's posts. Ha ha...no popcorn and entertainment at my expense for you, riding the bulls. I can humiliate myself without the world watching. The last few days have been great. He's moving out. He's tried to piss me off by asking for pretty well everything of value in the house, but I've complied with everything and he's not getting the reaction that he's hoping for. My lawyer is serving, him with a demand letter on Tuesday, which I know is going to make him &%$#@*! once he reads it. I just sit here and remember the pornos he made me watch, and the different messages from whores that I listened to on his voice mail. I cringe. So far, I've been staying pretty strong. Who wants to live on thin ice everyday, checking nasty boxers, sneakily checking phone messages. I'm so blown away that I allowed myself to sink so low. Sounds like you have made some good decisions. Stay strong and think long term about finances, living arrangements, etc. Good luck! Mr. Lucky
Author shecat28 Posted March 10, 2007 Author Posted March 10, 2007 Sounds like you have made some good decisions. Stay strong and think long term about finances, living arrangements, etc. Good luck! Mr. Lucky Not sure how this quote thing works. Hope I'm doing it the right way. Thanks Lucky. I owned this house before we got married...he can figure out his own digs...I hope someday it's under a bridge somewhere. LOL
GreenEyedLady Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 What?! Don't let him take everything of value! He only gets his personal things...everything else will be settled in the D! You might need a new lawyer because if he advised you to do that, he sucks!
Author shecat28 Posted March 11, 2007 Author Posted March 11, 2007 They're just material things that are all replaceable. As long as i keep the house and our baby, that's all i care about. I'm scared though. He has the money to keep this fight up in court for a long time. Even though he doesn't stand a chance, with all his stints in rehab and his drug problems, etc., he will just keep contesting everything just so that I have to keep paying attorneys. God, divorce is ugly. He's so mad that I won't let him have his cake and eat it too. Funny how people are. They cheat, they get caught, and now I'm going to suffer for it, as if I haven't already paid enough.
norajane Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 God, divorce is ugly. He's so mad that I won't let him have his cake and eat it too. Funny how people are. They cheat, they get caught, and now I'm going to suffer for it, as if I haven't already paid enough. It may be tough on you both financially and emotionally until it's through, but oh how free you will feel when you realize that you haven't had to worry about who he's screwing today, or testing his shorts, or any more craziness like that!
Author shecat28 Posted March 11, 2007 Author Posted March 11, 2007 Can anyone help me here? If it is clear that a mediator can resolve our separation agreement issues, but he insists on taking it to family court, can I sue him for my lawyer's fees if I win in court? There really is no need for us to go there, but he is bitter and vindictive and just wants to to make sure the lawyers bleed me dry. It's starting to get dirty and ugly now.
SadrBtWizr Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 It really depends on your state. If you have good evidence, you may even be able to sue the OW for alienation of affection. My lawyer encoraged me to do that, I could have recovered all my legal fees, therapy fees, but I chose not to. Not because I didn't deserve it, but I was just tired of dealing with it all. So, depending on your state and circumstances and the evidence you have the answer is "maybe".
Author shecat28 Posted March 11, 2007 Author Posted March 11, 2007 It really depends on your state. If you have good evidence, you may even be able to sue the OW for alienation of affection. My lawyer encoraged me to do that, I could have recovered all my legal fees, therapy fees, but I chose not to. Not because I didn't deserve it, but I was just tired of dealing with it all. So, depending on your state and circumstances and the evidence you have the answer is "maybe". Sorry, I don't know how to select portions of your posts to quote. What's an OW?
norajane Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 An OW is the "Other Woman". In your case all the OW are prositutes, right? So I don't know if you can sue them... What has your lawyer said about his cheating? Can't you use that somehow to get him to back down and make this easier?
Author shecat28 Posted March 12, 2007 Author Posted March 12, 2007 I guess in my case they would be OG's since they were all probably about 20 years old. YUCK! It makes me sick to even talk about it. I just want to recoup any attorney fees if he insists on going to court regarding visitation and division of assets, and or spousal and child support. Anyway, enough of all this. Cross my fingers. I'm so drained from this.
directx Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 Positive for semen? What does that prove? Mr. Lucky Normally I would agree with you (could just be cranking one out) but the fact he deflected it to her saying whats her problem, given his history, he got busted IMO
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