shecat28 Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 This is my first time posting anything. My husband has been cheating on me since before we were married in 2004; after all, that's how we got together. But of course I thought I could cure him of all of this, and after all, I was the one he chose to marry. So I will try to keep this short. He started cheating regularly 3 weeks after we got married when I was 8 weeks pregnant. He apologized, begged for forgiveness and we stayed together. He cheated on me for 7 weeks when I was 5 months pregnant and again when I was in the hospital with the baby. I kept on making excuses for him, and second guessing myself. I used to justify his behavior 'cause he was paying working girls, "it wasn't like he was having an affair". He promised to stop, but didn't . Anyway, I'm not sure why I've stayed so long. So let me just skip to the point. Yesterday I semen tested his boxers and they came back positive. He refused to admit to anything but moved out in anger once again as he's done so many times before. His family says that I'm the one with the problem for going as far as semen testing his boxers. They said I am neurotic and my constant suspicion is what drives him to cheat. Can someone tell me that although my actions are obssessive, that they understand the need to get that concrete tangible throw it in his face evidence?
Trialbyfire Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Nope, you're not obsessive. When someone breaks trust, it's difficult to regain. It's time to evaluate your life and make some hard decisions. This man will not change. He's addicted to serial cheating with hookers.
Author shecat28 Posted March 5, 2007 Author Posted March 5, 2007 OK. How do I get over this obssession? I know he's wrong for me. Everytime he leaves, I breathe a sigh of relief, yet I can't stop wanting him. He's a narcissistic, alcoholic, addict. He buys his friends, and nobody really likes him 'cause he's a loudmouth braggart. He flaunts money around so that people will admire him, hence the seeing whores. He buys their adoration so he can feel like a king for that half an hour. And knowing all of this, I feel like I'm still so sickly in love with him. I want the strength this time to just stay mad and stick to my guns but it's really hard when he stops by to pick up our baby. He is still so mean to me too. Like it's my fault that he got caught again. Like, how dare I catch him cheating. I feel so lost without him. I was so strong before I let this man rob me of my spirit.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 So let me just skip to the point. Yesterday I semen tested his boxers and they came back positive. Positive for semen? What does that prove? Mr. Lucky
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Its simple really. You love him and you need him. Unfortunately, the things we need in our life aren't always good and positive. At this point, it has gone beyond a simple need. It sounds like you are addicted to him. You need him like a crack addict needs crack. And like an addict, you need some professional help to get over it. Are you in a position where you can find counseling? You will want to find someone who can help you get to the bottom of this need you have for him, and figure out why you devalue yourself to the point where you would want and need such a negative influence in your and your child's life.
jmargel Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 You really need to get yourself into counseling, what you are doing is self-destructing. Your life has been consumed by this person who really doesn't love you but lives off of your fears. Things will never change in this relationship he'll always be the 'child' while you'll be the 'parent' and 'detective'. Neither of you will both be at the point of 'adults' so you can communication on an efficient level. Please seek a therapist today, as if you don't I'm afraid at some point this can cost you more than what it already has.
boshemia Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 You focus on the future dear... Yeah, I know. I always envied those women who could stick to their guns and be strong on the issue too. I've been there, and I know how crazy a cheating man can make you... driving by work to make sure he is there, hitting last number redial, checking the history on the computer obsessively... It's not fun, it's not healthy, and it's not because you are crazy!!! I am TOTALLY cured now : ) it just takes a lot of work on yourself. A) There's no hope for him, none... the only thing your patience will get you is more pain... B) Learn this phrase... "I deserve better" it sounds really stupid at first, and your mind will instantly argue... argue back, and say it until you believe it. You deserve respect... this is not it... C) Don't make excuses for him... when he tells you he's sorry, agree with him. He's a sorry piece of $%^# (and you deserve better) D) Don't do penance for someone elses sins... He did the crime, He is supposed to do the time NOT YOU! (you deserve better) E) Yeah, my suspicion caused my ex to cheat as well... I was suspicious so his thing kept accidentally falling inside of other people... Honey... people earn trust, they don't deserve it because they can form the words I'm sorry... You have every right NOT to trust him, and don't you DARE take responsibility for that! F) You are trying to keep him on a chain. If you are forced to keep your dog on a chain it's not you it's the dog. He's a bad dog, instead of keeping him on a leash let him go and get a new dog. Preferably one that is content to stay in his own yard : ) The only way I got away from my neurotic behavior was accepting that love isn't supposed to hurt that bad... I got away, and you know what? Freedom is wonderful... *grin*
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Honey, He is a narcissist. He will NEVER change. He is not capable of loving or of empathy. He feeds off of what he does and he CANNOT change. JMargel is exactly right, he lives off of your fears. Playing detective only adds to the excitement for him and when caught these guys all respond the same way! Deny, get angry and defensive then blame you. The minute you choose to believe what you see and what is obvious to you he will become venomous because you are not playing along. JM is also right about the parent/child relationship. That is no way to live and it also sets the situation up for YOU to take responsibility for his actions. You can not be responsible for what you cannot control. I am married to a man who is exactly what you have described. You can either leave or learn to live with a narcissist. Leaving is most likely the easiest option. Stop playing detective, you can assume that he is cheating. Become completely happy with yourself and what every day has to bring to you. He must not be able to affect you happiness in ANY WAY. Meaning that once you let go he can neither make you happy nor unhappy. Sorry for what you are going through. I beat myself up for two years and was the most miserable, crazy person in the world and it was all HIS fault! NOT! Ok, initially he was to blame but at some point we have accept responsibility for ourselves because if we don't NOONE else is. As with any trauma there is a grief process to go through and you will cycle through it again and again most likely. The hard part about dealing with a serial cheater who is your spouse and lover is that it isn't like grieving a death because you always have this "hope" that you can fix it. What ever you do GET THAT OUT OF YOUR HEAD NOW! BOSHEMIA - Great post!
Author shecat28 Posted March 6, 2007 Author Posted March 6, 2007 to Mr. Lucky...it proved that he had sex when he was out. I didn't really do it for me, 'cause I already knew...I think I did it so I could show him proof..anyway, it's all irrelevant now. I have been in therapy on and off for a couple of years but just recently got back in touch with the the one counsellor who I actually made some progress with. I've known that I was obsessed, and was even diagnosed as being addicted to him. I thought for the longest time that things could change, although knowing deep in my heart that they wouldn't. I just feel so beaten down because in addition to my spirit, soul and self esteem being drained, I have to deal with his family pointing fingers and passing judgement. They are in denial. They believe all his lies about me and blame me for affecting his sobriety. Gotta run. Thanks for the support everyone.
boshemia Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 "being diagnosed as addicted to him" is also known as codependant... AKA Toxic love. Do some research on the net on the topic. I was never "diagnosed" as you put it, but after we split up I figured it out on my own. It means you have to learn how to love in healthy ways, but it doesn't mean you are crazy or broken in any way. That's the kind of thinking that keeps you there, and keeps you stuck. Stick with counseling, and make a commitment to yourself to get you head to a healthy place. It's worth it... I promise : )
ridingthebulls Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 to Mr. Lucky...it proved that he had sex when he was out. So I'm assuming he changes his boxers daily, huh? I don't know about proving he had sex though. Men masturbate hunny.. there is no saying what happened there. So if you find semen on boxers and it was from sex, doesn't that mean he doesn't use condoms with his prostitutes? Or maybe just leftover cum after taking the condom off?
Author shecat28 Posted March 6, 2007 Author Posted March 6, 2007 riding the bulls...he's been seeing hookers for years...yes, i know he uses condoms but i also know his post orgasm drip...he's a sex addict..the therapist we used to see together tried cognitive behavioural therapy to treat him, but he thought he had cured himself and chose not to go back to therapy...the same way he thought he cured himself of alcoholism, pill popping, anyway, i am to blame for many things as i am the biggest enabler on the face of the earth... i used to justify staying with him because he was screwing hookers and there was no emotional attachment or affection....i guess i finally got tired of it a few days ago.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 So I'm assuming he changes his boxers daily, huh? I don't know about proving he had sex though. Men masturbate hunny.. there is no saying what happened there. So if you find semen on boxers and it was from sex, doesn't that mean he doesn't use condoms with his prostitutes? Or maybe just leftover cum after taking the condom off? I guess I'm dumb, still don't get it. How do you know that the semen isn't a residue of sex with you (or, as said, masturbation)? Carbon dating? DNA analysis? Maybe I need to watch more episodes of CSI... Mr. Lucky
norajane Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 riding i know he uses condoms but i also know his post orgasm drip... Post orgasm drip? Ok, that's a new one for me...I even tried googling...
Author shecat28 Posted March 6, 2007 Author Posted March 6, 2007 Lucky...I'm truly a neurotic freak...I watched him put the boxers on before work...they were clean, from the drawer....when he came home and changed, I grabbed the boxers from the floor and did my stupid little test...I don't think you quite understand, I monitored all this because I revolved my days around catching him...I'm not in this forum to have someone try to convince me to second guess myself...I'm trying to get away from this behaviour....I have caught him and he has admitted his infidelities, at least on 20 different occassions, all with prostitutes. We have sought therapy for it. The issue here is not his cheating, it's why the hell I keep sticking around and still feel like I'm in love.
Author shecat28 Posted March 6, 2007 Author Posted March 6, 2007 Norajane..post orgasm drip, you know, when he still continues to leak after he's ejaculated? Some guys have pre-cum...I guess mine, or my soon to be ex has post-cum. I'm gonna google it right now.
norajane Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 The issue here is not his cheating, it's why the hell I keep sticking around and still feel like I'm in love. Have you ever been in love before? Have you ever been with someone who loved you? Have you ever been in a healthy relationship where you trusted each other and brought a little joy into each other's lives? What you have with this man is nothing like that...this is a dysfunctional, perhpas co-dependent relationship. You are holding onto this man out of desperation, or maybe to "save" him, not love. You can't fix him. Free yourself to experience what a loving relationship is really all about.
norajane Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Norajane..post orgasm drip, you know, when he still continues to leak after he's ejaculated? Some guys have pre-cum...I guess mine, or my soon to be ex has post-cum. I'm gonna google it right now. I figured that's what it was - the name is pretty descriptive - but I've never heard of it before, and I am not the least bit sheltered about such things. I find it odd that no one I've ever been with has ever mentioned it if it's a common thing. I was disappointed that I didn't find much on google.
Author shecat28 Posted March 6, 2007 Author Posted March 6, 2007 I thought I had that mutual trust and love but it was probably only for about 6 months. The following 4 years I spent trying to get back those first 6 months. For sure I am co-dependent. I have read all of Melody Beattie's books and attended seminars. I have only had 3 relationships in my life and to tell you the truth, this man that I married was the first person I ever held hands with. He preyed on that. He made me feel like a queen, and when I was wrapped around his finger, the true him came out. Everytime we'd break up, he'd give me the royal treatment again and I'd melt. Of course I did my research on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and he definitely has that. He's pretty well text book Narcissist. My problem is that I analyze everything to death and need an answer for everything. I need to simplify my life and take out all the complicated crap that requires all that research. Life is way too short. Funny story. Before I married him, I used to be a huge hockey fan. We used to have season's tickets but would never go when St. Louis was in town because I had partied with the team at a night club one night. Then shortly after that we stopped going altogether because some of the guys on our team were there partying too. Then we never renewed our tickets because I wasn't allowed to enjoy hockey anymore. He wouldn't even let me watch it on TV. Earlier on today, i purchased tickets to a game. That felt good.
norajane Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 I need to simplify my life and take out all the complicated crap that requires all that research. Life is way too short. Then just do it. Stop making excuses, stop hoping things will get better with him, stop reading and researching. Go talk to a lawyer and file for divorce. It's time. Just like buying the hockey ticket - it's time for you to live your life, instead of monitoring somebody's post orgasm drip.
Author shecat28 Posted March 6, 2007 Author Posted March 6, 2007 Norajane. I gotta learn how to do that quote thing. I'm very new to this posting stuff. I googled post-cum and got results. Apparently it is also known as after-spooge. BTW, thanks.
norajane Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Ah, post-cum. Lots more hits for that than post orgasm drip. To quote, you just click on the "quote" button at the bottom right corner of the post you want to quote.
RecordProducer Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 I can't stand those comments that snooping is bad even when you know that the one who is supposed to love you is betraying you majorly and making a fool out of you! Hell, you're not only not obsessive, but you're too forgiving and tolerant. I can't believe you call the prosititutes that your husband slept with "working girls." Unless you NEVER sleep with your husband (pregnancy doesn't count as rejecting him), he is a total scum-bag. He will never stop cheating. He is a serial cheater and a sex addict. Dump him before he transmits some disease to you. You can manage on your own with the child. Many of us have and found much better lives (my ex wasn't cheating, but I was unhappy with him).
Author shecat28 Posted March 6, 2007 Author Posted March 6, 2007 recordpro-not only was catering to his every whim in bed, i even offered to wear wigs, dress up, dress down, whatever he wanted, even when i was pregnant...and not to toot my own horn or anything here, but I am far from unattractive...it is clearly an addiction with him, he needs to feel important, even if he has to pay for it and it's fake...it's not just the act of getting off that he thrives on, it's also the feeling of being a big shot when he flashes his money around...like i said earlier, knowing all of this, i don't know why it's been so hard to let go....i must say, that being in this forum is helpful...
RecordProducer Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 i don't know why it's been so hard to let go.....It always is, honey! For everyone. Divorces are like surgeries: first you can't get up on your feet and moan in pain, but later you feel like new; your wounds are healed, and you know it was the right thing to do for your health.
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