question

[contemplater]

If your girlfriend can't keep herself from occasionally doing cocaine even though she's currently on probation (has random drug tests) and she's in narcotics anonymous (court ordered) and has said several times that she knows that she's self-destructive but can't help herself, what do you think would be the best way to act and react to her behavior?

 

We were at a party last night and she asked to borrow my driver's license but wouldn't tell me why and then confessed to me today that she did cocaine last night. This of course was after I've directly told her multiple times throughout the past few weeks we've been in a relationship that I'm not cool with drug use, I don't like it when she does it but I know I can't keep her from doing it, and that I want no part in it. Her using my license to do lines makes me feel very insulted, but I'm guessing this was her intent, to get a rise out of me, to test and see see how much it would bother me or piss me off. So wouldn't getting angry just play into her mind game? I don't know, I just feel insulted but I don't know how I should act in this confusing situation. What would you do?

[brandie32]

Hello, sad that you are having to deal with this issue. Sounds like you really care for this girl, wish she was good to you. However, you should never compromise your own values for someone else. Those values are what make you the person you are. If you are not honest with your self then you will slowly loose your identity. Everone understands that drug are not good and you really need to stay away from them and the lifestyle.

In my opinion is your girlfriend is seeing how far she can push you, and if she can push you far enough and make you mad enough this will give her a reason to do drugs. People that use drug are always looking for resons to do them, Can not except love because they can not love there self. You should ignore the behavior and offer her help when she is ready to recieve it. ry to get her to do things that are totally different from a "drug life". Maybe get her to the gym, go for walks, hikes, or go to a great book store. I would just stay away from any type of atmosphere that would involve drugs and leave if they are around. This will be goo d for you and her. Howver in your heart do what you truely feel what is right. Good luck to you!!!

[contemplater]

So I confronted her about it online and here's what transpired:

 

[Me] What you told me about last night has got me to thinking and I need to let you know where I stand and what i will and won't put up with, for the sake of keeping respect for myself. i assume you borrowed my i.d. to use it for what i've told you i want no part in, perhaps to see how i would react or maybe you just didn't think it was a big deal, but now that i know you at least implied that was why you borrowed my i.d., i have to let you know that makes me feel insulted.

[Me] i also want you to know that watching you willingly self-destruct affects me in more ways than you probably know.

[Me] but i'll give you the benefit of doubt and say that perhaps you didn't know these things about me, perhaps you didn't know that this kind of **** is one line i don't want crossed, but now you know, so please don't do it again.

[Her] ...

[Her] you're uptight as hell

[Me] you can think i'm uptight, i just know what stuff i want in my life and that stuff isn't one of them

[Me] i've had many friends do it and i see no positivity come from it

[Her] and i've done it personally for awhile

[Her] i know what im doing to myself

[Me] i don't think it's being uptight to let someone know where i stand.

[Her] cool fine whatever

[Her] but if i feel like partying im gonna party

[Her] and i dont remember borrowing your id.. i was using sam's all night

[Me] you did borrow my i.d., and when i asked why, you wouldn't tell me. i had my suspicions but didn't want to jump to conclusions.

[Me] explain to me why you think i'm being uptight

[Her] ohhhhhhhhhh mannnnnnnnnnn

[Her] why do you care what IIIIII stick up MYYY nose

[Me] you're overlooking the obvious: because I care about YOU

[Her] DONT

[Her] ITS A WASTE

[Me] i'm not saying you can't do it, i'm just letting you know what i think of it and how it affects me. i know i can't stop it.

[Her] well dont worry about it

[Her] im going to philadelphia until wednesday

[Her] you'll be rid of me for at least that long

[Me] "don't, it's a waste" <-- is that what you consider a mature attitude or is that you just not wanting to deal with any of my concerns?

[Her] dont question/insult my maturity

[Her] if you haven't noticed i ****ing HATE myself

[Her] hate's not a strong enough word

[Her] i dont give a **** what i put in my body, as long as it's somehow going to speed up the deterioration process

[Her] i'm ****ing sick.

[Me] well basically what i've been alluding to is that it doesn't have to be that way.

[Her] it's always going to be that way

[Me] there are always choices in life, and if you're willing to let somethings in, you'd be surprised

[Her] im too tired for all that

[Me] well you're a very empathetic person too, so i would think you'd understand what i'm saying

[Her] i understand but its not right

[Me] what about the things i've said isn't right?

[Her] ITS NOT FOR ME

[Me] so then in turn are you saying that self-destruction is for you?

[Me] come on you're smarter than that

[Her] you dont get it

[Her] i have to pack for philly, i’ll be back in an hour

 

Then when she returned, she talked about how she thinks the band Dramarama is amazing and the words of their song "anything anything" are sweet, but mentioned nothing about what we had discussed before. Of course I've considered what she might have been insinuating by this, but I don't know and I didn't bring it up because I got the vibe she didn't feel comfortable discussing any of the previous stuff.

 

When I step back and try to look at things objectively, I can see a lot of red flags that indicate things between us won't last, but I don't want to throw in the towel just yet. It's like I know she cares about me, but seems afraid because of her past and because she's so down on herself. Maybe if I go with the flow and remain stable but firm in where I stand, she'll come to see that she can lean on me. But of course another part of me is preparing to end the relationship if I have to or deal with the end if she brings it.

 

What do you think about all of this?

[tanbark813]

What do you think about all of this?

 

That you sound too level-headed to be with a chick like this. Drop her and find someone worth your time.

[brandie32]

I read your conversation and I feel horrible for you. Sound like you are really in love with her, must be to do this to yourself. I really believe in following your mind and heart. I think you should walk away and I am sure everyone in your life feels the same way. However, you are not ready and tht is ok. I beleive that she will hurt you and that is when the realtionship will end. She is not ready to be "save" and you can not save someone from drugs. In her life right now drugs are fun, this will change it ALWAYS does. Try not to focuse your entire life on her, you do not have to walk if you are not ready. Try to keep a little bit of your life seperate from her, go out with your friends and do somethings on your own. Remember as she uses more and more drugs she is going to change in to a different girl, not the girl that you fell in love with. And in the end she will probebly have to hit bottom and then start to rebuild from there. This could be getting sick, loosing all of her money, and self respect. When that happens I hope you have kept that little part of your life, so you can still live and enjoy your life.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Man, she is really passive aggressive! It sounds like she wants to use her addiction and her "self hatred" as a way to manipulate you rather than to own up to what it is and do something about it.

[contemplater]

It might seem like I'm making excuses for her, but her drug use is really not as bad as it probably sounds. See last spring/summer, she experimented some with drugs (weed, coke, heroin) with her ex-boyfriend, but she only used them occasionally. She completely sobered up when she got pregnant by her ex last summer. He became a heroin junkie, cheated on her with 4 girls while she was pregnant, and refused to help pay for the abortion. They broke up in August and around this time she had the abortion and of course she still carries a lot of guilt for that. She then got busted with weed in October and put on probation and the court ordered her to attend n.a. meetings, which she has to continue to go to weekly till April 15. She's been clean and sober of drugs since she did cocaine one night in early January. Last Saturday was the first time during our relationship that she did cocaine.

 

There's more drama to add into the mix... she's been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder and she has problems with depression, anxiety, and night terrors. She also doesn't seem to have a healthy relationship with her mother, as the first time I met her mother they started arguing loudly right in front of me. She also confessed to me a few nights ago that her mom has told her she was a mistake/accident that should have been aborted. I think all of this stuff has a lot to do with why she hates herself so much, why she can't accept compliments, and why she exhibits such self-destructive behavior.

 

Now I know you're probably thinking, dude she has so many problems that you should just give it up, drop her and move on, but I'm naturally a caring guy. I can identify with the overwhelming difficulty of depression (lost my brother to suicide and my mother to sudden heart attack) and just as I've been able to overcome lots of crappy circumstances in my life, I hope that she can as well. I tend to focus more on her positive characteristics because I want to show through my actions and general stability that I'm dependable. Thus I can't see myself giving up on her until she does something unforgivable, such as cheating, that would warrant the ending of our relationship. I feel like anything good in life takes a lot of work and from struggle comes the most worthwhile experiences.

 

Perhaps it's only a matter of time until her drug use and psychological disorders destroy our relationship and maybe I should just get out sooner rather than later, but I still care about her and I would rather offer my reliable help (while consciously protecting my own emotions) than get out now and leave myself wondering how things might have turned out had I stuck in there and feeling like I just abandoned her during her time of need.

[insomnie]

Hm, well now her drug problems dont sound too bad, actually. Particularly if she's young, doing coke OCCASIONALLY isnt that big a deal...if you hang out in certain crowds ppl ARE going to be doing it and sometimes the peer pressure is too great, esp. if you have no MORAL problem with drugs to begin with. I would not consider myself anything CLOSE to a drug addict, but I am in college and use recreationally. I smoke weed probably every other day, I've used coke, I've drank, I've tried shrooms, I've drank.

 

I think you should make clear to her that you dont support these decisions...but if you care baout her breaking up over this thing would be dumb IMO. Give her a chance...what concerns me more, though, is how she acted toward you when you queutioned her. She was not very sympatheic to your point of view and it sounded almost like the guilt/shame she has for a lot of other thigns in her life (she is not happy with herself) overrides the guilt she feels toward you, and because the other guilt is so big...this is just a drop in the bucket, so she doenst even care. I think you need to address that this is NOT ok...but I also think she know that and htat that is also a problem that can be fixed.

[contemplater]

Yeah she's only 19. I'm 24. I didn't know about her occasional drug use and mental health problems until she revealed them in the relationship, but I admit I did go into things with the underlying concern that her young age might cause problems. However, she seemed mature for her age and we're very attracted to each other, so I figured I might as well give us a chance.

 

I have friends who use drugs recreationally, some who used to abuse them but have since cut back or stopped, some who have overdosed (some lived, one died). I've seen a lot and I know the many dangers involved: health, legal, financial. Weed isn't much of a concern to me, my best friend has been smoking it daily for the past 8 years. It's cocaine and heroin that worry me, because I've seen how harmful those drugs become.

 

I know the difference between recreational use and outright addiction/abuse and my girlfriend's occasional cocaine use is just recreational, not really a problem yet aside from making me feel kind of uncomfortable, but I fear that with all of her mental/emotional problems, especially OCD, she runs a higher risk of falling into abuse.

 

It's not like I'm a saint, I've smoked weed a dozen or so times, dropped acid 3 times, and I've been drinking socially since I was 14, but I've always shyed away from cocaine and heroin because I've seen their many detrimental consequences. I haven't done acid since I was 16 and I haven't smoked weed since 18 when I got really blazed one night and had a phone call to come home to discover cops inside my house starring me down as I found out my older brother had killed himself, which was seriously traumatic to say the least. Now the only "drug" I consume is alcohol and I mostly don't mind what my friends do recreationally, but I do care about how cocaine might affect my girlfriend and my life.

[contemplater]

what concerns me more, though, is how she acted toward you when you queutioned her. She was not very sympatheic to your point of view and it sounded almost like the guilt/shame she has for a lot of other thigns in her life (she is not happy with herself) overrides the guilt she feels toward you, and because the other guilt is so big...this is just a drop in the bucket, so she doenst even care. I think you need to address that this is NOT ok...but I also think she know that and htat that is also a problem that can be fixed.

 

Yeah I noticed that too and I agree with you, but how do you recommend I go about addressing this concern to her without having her become reflexively defensive and self-degrading? And what do you think I can do in order to facilitate her confronting and fixing this personal problem?

[sunshinegirl]

I didn't read all the responses so sorry if this is a little off from what others have said. My first reactions:

 

-- She sounds like a candidate for that TLC show "Intervention." Honestly.

 

-- You seem to have some kind of savior mentality - i.e. if you love her enough, she'll come around. Trust me on this, she won't. And it is not your job to save her. It's heartbreaking to watch, but you are setting yourself up to fail big time. I don't mean that in a judging way - I had a relationship once where I thought my love could heal/save my boyfriend. It totally couldn't -- it was a much much bigger issue than I could do anything about -- and the relationship ended in a big flaming disaster. I was devastated.

 

-- She is clearly not going to stop doing drugs in any kind of short timeframe. She hates herself. You cannot fix these things for her.

 

-- Bottom line, you may not be ready to end things today, but I wouldn't get your hopes up that anything is going to change. You'll probably go through a few more rounds of similar things with her, after which time you'll throw in the towel. That's okay if it plays out like that... you do what you need to do. I just don't think you'll be able to make much of a difference. Get a little self-protection in the mix here. How much of this are you willing to deal with?