how did your relationship develop?

[mattea]

i'd like to hear from people who've been or are in long term relationships about how things developed. is there anyone who has had a relationship develop really slowly and had this lead to something deeper and a shared life?

 

i'm asking because my boyfriend and i were together for a year in november, and i kind of feel like we're still just "dating". we spend maybe one night together during the week and ususally friday and sat evenings and part of a weekend day together. it doesn't seem like we really miss each other all that much during the time apart. it seems weird to me that i have a long-ish term boyfriend yet spend most nights sleeping alone.

 

we're in our early 30s. we both keep busy and have full lives outside our relationship, plus enjoy alone time. however, i find it odd that we don't want to spend more time together and take little bits of time away from each other as needed. instead it's the other way around and we take little bits of time together here and there.

 

i want to share my life with a partner, but this (so far) hasn't happened with my boyfriend. i'm not saying i want to be engaged or even moving in right now, but why don't we want to be together more? i wonder, is it something that takes more time to develop, or is it just not happening for us?

[Curmudgeon]

Is there anyone who has had a relationship develop really slowly and had this lead to something deeper and a shared life?

 

I was 45 when I met her. She was 43. I went to work where she did and met her on the first day there. She was not friendly and that was a challenge to me to change it.

 

Over the course of the next five years we developed a very appropriate, work-place friendship, meeting on breaks but that was it. We talked and provided advice and support for one another over matters pertaining to our respective oldest daughters, both of whom were giving each of us fits at the time. After four years she promoted to another agency but we still saw one another fairly regularly due to our profession and our friendship continued.

 

During the last two years I was embroiled in a nasty divorce (for totally unrelated reasons) and she was someone I trusted to talk to about it and she was very supportive of me. She'd been divorced and alone for 18 years so she knew what I was going through.

 

During those years I lived like a monk and worked on fixing what was wrong with me that contributed to the ending of a 25-year marriage. Finally, several months after the divorce was final (the process dragged on for over two years thanks to the ex) I decided to take a short day-trip and invited my friend to join me. I thought some company would be nice and she was the first person who came to mind. Romance wasn't part of the equation, just some companionship.

 

Long story short, that little day trip turned into a 17-hour date with lot of good conversation, sightseeing, walks on the beach and a lovely dinner overlooking the sea in front of a roaring fire (it was November) followed by a four hour drive back to our home town to drop her off at her home and return to mine.

 

We went out again the next day and every day thereafter but one, were engaged in two weeks, married six weeks after that and in December celebrated our 10th anniversary.

 

Is that slow enough?

 

Oh, yeah.

She was not friendly and that was a challenge to me to change it.

I guess I changed it!

[Lauriebell82]

i'm the opposite but i think this might help u. my relationships tend to develop VERY fast. fast meaning saying "I love u" after a month, becoming exlusive after just dating for a couple weeks. of those many "fast relationships" only 2 have lasted over 2 months (including my current bf who i've been with for 6 months).

 

my current relationship moved fast, but i have tried to slow myself down. we did say i love u and got serious very fast. its LDR but we see each other every weekend for teh whole weekend. sometimes that intense spending of time can be great, sometimes it can be very tedious.

 

my point: if u really do love each other, let things develop naturally. rushing into something is a gamble..usually ur compatible or ur not. the question that u have to ask is, are u committed to one another? is it a serious relationship leading somewhere? if ur really worried about it, maybe u could suggest stepping the relationship up. ask ur bf to do more things (not meaning telling him he needs to spend more time with u, but SUGGEST casually that u see each other on a day that u dont normally spend together. most importantly, just relax and enjoy that u 2 are together. the best relationships are those where there is no time table.

[Aloros]

I met my boyfriend a couple of years ago, at work. Both him and I remember seeing one another and having that instant chemistry. After that, he would wave and say "hi" to me whenever he was on my floor, or ask how I was doing. He started stopping by to chat, and we had lunch together once. At the time, I was in another relationship, so everything was platonic at this point.

 

After I ended things for good with my ex, I invited him out to a July 4th bbq...then he asked me out for a movie, which turned into dinner, a fire-dancing show, and his friend's b-day celebration, all in one night!

 

Things moved pretty quickly, and about a month or so into it he asked me to be his girlfriend. We started spending the night at one another's places after we started sleeping together (about a week and a half after the first date...a lot of pent-up sexual tension!). Now we spend nights and weekends at his place or mine. Sometimes we eat dinner separately, but many times either he makes dinner or I do.

 

I think of him as my partner, my companion. We speak about being a team often, and it really does feel that way. I know he's always got my back and I've got his. I've been with him for eight months.

 

After a year, it may just not be happening for you. If what you have is not enough for you, and you can't see this changing, don't settle.

 

Hope this helps!

[ibitealil]

i'm the opposite but i think this might help u. my relationships tend to develop VERY fast. fast meaning saying "I love u" after a month, becoming exlusive after just dating for a couple weeks. of those many "fast relationships" only 2 have lasted over 2 months (including my current bf who i've been with for 6 months).

 

my current relationship moved fast, but i have tried to slow myself down. we did say i love u and got serious very fast. its LDR but we see each other every weekend for teh whole weekend. sometimes that intense spending of time can be great, sometimes it can be very tedious.

 

my point: if u really do love each other, let things develop naturally. rushing into something is a gamble..usually ur compatible or ur not. the question that u have to ask is, are u committed to one another? is it a serious relationship leading somewhere? if ur really worried about it, maybe u could suggest stepping the relationship up. ask ur bf to do more things (not meaning telling him he needs to spend more time with u, but SUGGEST casually that u see each other on a day that u dont normally spend together. most importantly, just relax and enjoy that u 2 are together. the best relationships are those where there is no time table.

 

I met a guy whos 29 and i am 26. And because i am not finished with my studies yet i dont rush into marriage. But my bf, he has a crisis, thinking tht he s gonna be 30 soon and he needs to find the ONE. So when he met me he pushed everything so fast. He told me he loves me so soon and he asked me to move in so soon. We r in LDR. And because we had frequent arguments in our R hes now disappointed and changed all his mind about us (true most of the arguments were not serious but they were mostly because of me) :-( Still, i instead want to work it out and want to see how will it go. I tried to convince him take it naturally but he wouldnt listen. He says hes unsure about his feelings and may be we will break up someday (but right now he still want to see me). I am so worried right now. I do love him and i want us to work out. But i dont know how should i take him out of this middle age crisis :-( May be he doesnt really love me and just fixated on marriage? may be he s right and we r not right for each other?

[Curmudgeon]

But i dont know how should i take him out of this middle age crisis :-( May be he doesnt really love me and just fixated on marriage? may be he s right and we r not right for each other?

 

Maybe he's more in love with the idea of being in love than he is with the person he's supposed to be in love with.

 

He's a youngster. I'm 60 and have children and stepchildren older than he is and NONE of them are in crisis due to their ages.

 

If he's middle-aged then he'll be dead by my age and I expect to live a whole bunch more years.

 

Maybe he's just mUddle-aged!

[Walk]

Mattea,

 

It doesn't seem to me that there's anything wrong with your relationship. I know I don't have those "burning, gotta see him" feelings for my bf all the time... but it's mostly because I know deep down in my heart that he's there when or if I need him. I live with him, so it's kind of a different situation, but at the same time, I'm really content to do my own thing all day while he does his. Most days I see my bf for about an hour during dinner, then I'm back to studying for classes, or to group meetings, etc. But part of what makes it so easy for me to feel okay with the whole thing is the knowledge that when/if either of us need time together, then we're going to make it happen. I won't be put off, or ditched, or have him run off with another girl or whatever. I feel secure.

 

Not sure I said this very well... basically, I'm wondering if you don't feel that burning need to be with him all the time because you feel comfortable that he's with you in his heart, and vice versa.

[Walk]

But my bf, he has a crisis, thinking tht he s gonna be 30 soon and he needs to find the ONE. So when he met me he pushed everything so fast.

may be he s right and we r not right for each other?

This guy sounds.... off. I dont' want to be negative, but those would be some serious red flags for me, and I think I'd take a HUGE step back from the relationship until I was sure that my feelings weren't clouding my common sense.

 

Personally, I think he's probably got some pretty huge head problems and he's afraid once you realize this you'll bolt... so he's trying to pressure you into marraige asap. Either that, or he's so caught up in keeping up with the Jone's that he doesn't value YOU, just what you potentially could represent to him. At that point, you might as well be a big screen tv, or a new lawn mower....

 

You're not wrong in wanting to wait. He's pushing, and it's not fair of him. Stand your ground. You didn't do anything wrong.

[ibitealil]

Maybe he's more in love with the idea of being in love than he is with the person he's supposed to be in love with.

 

He's a youngster. I'm 60 and have children and stepchildren older than he is and NONE of them are in crisis due to their ages.

 

If he's middle-aged then he'll be dead by my age and I expect to live a whole bunch more years.

 

Maybe he's just mUddle-aged!

 

Thank you for your comment,

 

You are right. He s just not in love with me then :-(

[Mythical]

I met my boyfriend a couple of years ago, at work. Both him and I remember seeing one another and having that instant chemistry. After that, he would wave and say "hi" to me whenever he was on my floor, or ask how I was doing. He started stopping by to chat, and we had lunch together once. At the time, I was in another relationship, so everything was platonic at this point.

 

After I ended things for good with my ex, I invited him out to a July 4th bbq...then he asked me out for a movie, which turned into dinner, a fire-dancing show, and his friend's b-day celebration, all in one night!

 

Things moved pretty quickly, and about a month or so into it he asked me to be his girlfriend. We started spending the night at one another's places after we started sleeping together (about a week and a half after the first date...a lot of pent-up sexual tension!). Now we spend nights and weekends at his place or mine. Sometimes we eat dinner separately, but many times either he makes dinner or I do.

 

I think of him as my partner, my companion. We speak about being a team often, and it really does feel that way. I know he's always got my back and I've got his. I've been with him for eight months.

 

After a year, it may just not be happening for you. If what you have is not enough for you, and you can't see this changing, don't settle.

 

Hope this helps!

 

Hey Aloros!,

 

I must say I was pretty freaked out reading your post EVRYTHING to the bottom unitl you said how long you've been dating (me 2 years) EVERYTHING was the same how you met you being with someone, going for lunch once etc...freakly....everything was exactly the same

[ibitealil]

This guy sounds.... off. I dont' want to be negative, but those would be some serious red flags for me, and I think I'd take a HUGE step back from the relationship until I was sure that my feelings weren't clouding my common sense.

 

Personally, I think he's probably got some pretty huge head problems and he's afraid once you realize this you'll bolt... so he's trying to pressure you into marraige asap. Either that, or he's so caught up in keeping up with the Jone's that he doesn't value YOU, just what you potentially could represent to him. At that point, you might as well be a big screen tv, or a new lawn mower....

 

You're not wrong in wanting to wait. He's pushing, and it's not fair of him. Stand your ground. You didn't do anything wrong.

 

Thanks Walk!

 

So, you mean i shouldnt waste my time with him? Frankly, i m kind of torn, i want to be with him but why would i be with him if its not going anywhere, cuz i have other problems to think of too :-? its depressing to be in a relationship thinking he might dump me one day isnt it?

[clynn]

i'd like to hear from people who've been or are in long term relationships about how things developed. is there anyone who has had a relationship develop really slowly and had this lead to something deeper and a shared life?

 

i'm asking because my boyfriend and i were together for a year in november, and i kind of feel like we're still just "dating". we spend maybe one night together during the week and ususally friday and sat evenings and part of a weekend day together. it doesn't seem like we really miss each other all that much during the time apart. it seems weird to me that i have a long-ish term boyfriend yet spend most nights sleeping alone.

 

My relationship is somewhat similar. However, I am ready to start being with him more seriously and sometimes we spend about 4-5 nights a week together, and sometimes just a couple. We mainly spend all of the weekend together, unless we have otehr stuff going on.

 

I don't feel as though our being okay with not seeing each other ALL the time is a sign that it isn't right. I think it is a sign that we are confident/secure in ourselves and our relationships, and we are busy people with other activities going on, and we enjoy our alone time.

 

However, I am wondering also if this relationship should/would/could develop into more............

 

Tell me what you decide and how to have the conversation!

[dropdeadlegs]

Mattea,

 

It doesn't seem to me that there's anything wrong with your relationship. I know I don't have those "burning, gotta see him" feelings for my bf all the time... but it's mostly because I know deep down in my heart that he's there when or if I need him. I live with him, so it's kind of a different situation, but at the same time, I'm really content to do my own thing all day while he does his. Most days I see my bf for about an hour during dinner, then I'm back to studying for classes, or to group meetings, etc. But part of what makes it so easy for me to feel okay with the whole thing is the knowledge that when/if either of us need time together, then we're going to make it happen. I won't be put off, or ditched, or have him run off with another girl or whatever. I feel secure.

 

Not sure I said this very well... basically, I'm wondering if you don't feel that burning need to be with him all the time because you feel comfortable that he's with you in his heart, and vice versa.

With the exception of living together my situation is much like Walk's. I speak to my BF daily, usually twice. He spends the night at my place on Thursday night because he doesn't work on Friday and I have kids in school. We spend Friday during school puttering around town paying his bills, doing some shopping, getting a bite to eat, and spending some alone time together, if you get my drift. On Friday he will sometimes spend the night at my place and I sometimes spend the night at his. I have a responsibility to my daughter to get her to and from work and she works quite a bit on weekends. Saturday night I usually go to his house and often spend the day there, too, even considering my daughter's schedule. She works nearer to my home (1.5 miles) but my BF only lives 9 miles away from me and it's a 12 minute drive. I usually spend Sunday at BF's home, too. My younger kids travel with me, my daughter who is now 18 and a senior usually stays home. If she has to work Friday night and Saturday morning, I usually stay home that night, whether BF stays with me or not. Sunday through Wednesday we stay at our own homes and rarely see one another.

 

I sometimes miss him on weeknights, but I wouldn't be able to do as much reading and LS posting if he was here. I would feel an obligation to spend time with him since I have all day to take care of my own chores and "hobbies." He calls for about 15 minutes when driving home, and again for 5 minutes just before going to bed. I like to stay up late and don't requires as much sleep because my work isn't strenuous and physical. Plus I can always take a nap while the kiddies are in school. We have talked about moving in together and I'm sure we will at some point in the near future, but there is no fixed date or even time frame. That's okay with me. I don't see us getting married because we have both done that and don't have much desire. But we don't rule it out as never happening either.

 

I think I wish I could share an evening meal with him more than anything. I like cooking for someone who appreciates it and my kids would rather have crap than an actual cooked meal.

 

All in all, I am happy with the amount of time we spend together. Like Walk said, I feel comfortable knowing he is in my heart and vice versa.

[trulycute]

i'm going through the same thing right now with my bf of 3 mths...its long distance (1 hr away) and we see each other every wknd -sometimes for 1 day, or 2 days and one wknd a month for the whole wknd--we both have busy schedules during the week and work extremely long hours and i am raising a 9 yr old son.....

 

he's at the stage right now where he's wanting some freedom back just to do whatever, to work on hobbies, to see some friends, and have some alone time...he's used to be crazy about seeing me now he still gets excited but not like he used to....i've been told by my guy friends that this is perfectly normal, now he feels that he doesn't "have" to see me all the time, i'm there and he says he's secure with our relationship...my bf says he's now trying to put me on the same level as everything else in his life and juggle it all.....he says that things are getting more serious with us (we've talked about the future and agree on the important stuff) so we're looking deeper into each other and seeing if this has potential to go somewhere and trying to get back to living a normal life too with adapting to someone else being there........

 

i know in the beginning its all "oh baby, can't wait to see you....etc....." and now its not like that all the time or at least not to that extent.....he's so relaxed..

 

so my question which is the same as the original poster, is this normal?.....should i be concerned?....his behaviour other than this hasn't changed one bit (he's a wonderful man)--still loving and attenative--great sex, constant contact (every day--via texting and a phone call a few times a week)....i like to plan for our next time to see each other like a week in advance and now he wants to wait until like in the middle of the week to start making plans for that upcoming wknd, but he never says no when i ask if we can get together on a specific day.....

 

i want to see him as much as possible and now he's okay with anywhere from 1-3 days a week.....how do u compromise so everyone is happy?

 

i think i'm just being paranoid and need to chill and enjoy this healthy relationship for what its worth and just go with the flow.........hard for us ladies to do though...lol...

[Pretty Fly]

...its long distance (1 hr away)

 

I wouldn't say 1hr classifies as long distance, that's pretty standard isn't it? Just to get across London takes an hour!

[Lauriebell82]

i'm going through the same thing right now with my bf of 3 mths...its long distance (1 hr away) and we see each other every wknd -sometimes for 1 day, or 2 days and one wknd a month for the whole wknd--we both have busy schedules during the week and work extremely long hours and i am raising a 9 yr old son.....

 

he's at the stage right now where he's wanting some freedom back just to do whatever, to work on hobbies, to see some friends, and have some alone time...he's used to be crazy about seeing me now he still gets excited but not like he used to....i've been told by my guy friends that this is perfectly normal, now he feels that he doesn't "have" to see me all the time, i'm there and he says he's secure with our relationship...my bf says he's now trying to put me on the same level as everything else in his life and juggle it all.....he says that things are getting more serious with us (we've talked about the future and agree on the important stuff) so we're looking deeper into each other and seeing if this has potential to go somewhere and trying to get back to living a normal life too with adapting to someone else being there........

 

i know in the beginning its all "oh baby, can't wait to see you....etc....." and now its not like that all the time or at least not to that extent.....he's so relaxed..

 

so my question which is the same as the original poster, is this normal?.....should i be concerned?....his behaviour other than this hasn't changed one bit (he's a wonderful man)--still loving and attenative--great sex, constant contact (every day--via texting and a phone call a few times a week)....i like to plan for our next time to see each other like a week in advance and now he wants to wait until like in the middle of the week to start making plans for that upcoming wknd, but he never says no when i ask if we can get together on a specific day.....

 

i want to see him as much as possible and now he's okay with anywhere from 1-3 days a week.....how do u compromise so everyone is happy?

 

i think i'm just being paranoid and need to chill and enjoy this healthy relationship for what its worth and just go with the flow.........hard for us ladies to do though...lol...

 

i feel ur pain truelycute. my boyfriend of 6 months is the same way. i guess when the new relationship feeling wears off ur left with just another dude. kind of sucks when ur bf goes from saying "oh baby i cant wait to see u i love u so much," to "yeah this weekend will be fun." its real hard not to get upset about it, but i've been told that i should take it as a compliment because he is comfortable enough with me that he feels he doesnt have to impress me anymore. it does kind of suck when u pass the honeymood phase and settle more into a relationship. but i guess u could think of it this way which is what i'm trying to do:

 

if u've been together awhile and ur bf still wants to see u and be with u, then he really does love u and is in it for possibly the long term.

[trulycute]

"i've been told that i should take it as a compliment because he is comfortable enough with me that he feels he doesnt have to impress me anymore"---------Lauriebell, he told me this exact same thing the other day...i am going through what u r too....he says he feels confident and secure with us...

 

this past wknd we hung out for 2 days and had some really great times, he also said that we don't see enough of each other to take this relationship to another level (more serious--moving in, etc), we don't spend enough time together to reach the point that we know without a doubt that we want a future together, so we decided to keep going as we have been and then in 3 mths time reevalute the relationship and see what will happen (who will be moving), we'll be together 6 mths at that time....he said that we'll never reach the important stages if we're only seeing each other a couple times a week, and i agreed..........so things look promising!....