waitingforlove Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 Hi everyone, I am in a dilemma. There's this guy I've been going out with for three months. Let's name him John. There's a strong chemistry between me and John, and things were going great, until a few weeks ago when I asked him about our relationship, where it was going, etc. He said it took him a long time to get serious with anyone, and he wasn't ready to declare exclusivity -- after 2 and 1/2 months. But he was saying that he wasn't dating anyone else except me. Anyway, he said he would be fine with it if I decided to date someone else. Okay so then I met this other guy and let's call him David. I don't have strong chemistry with David, but he's certainly a very nice guy, very caring and more mature than John. Now then John knows that I'm also going out with David, and he starts to ask questions about David or when I'm seeing him, etc. I told John that if he would never consider being serious with me, I would understand but would also have to leave him some time; and when I told him that, he said he would consider getting serious with me, but he just needed more time. He also assured me that he liked me, and it wasn't because he didn't like me that he didn't want to be serious just yet (although I still thought that a guy would not object being serious with a girl if he really liked her.) A few days ago he had a chance to meet David. David doesn't know that I'm also dating John. But anyway, after John met David, he said he thought David was a very good guy (I had a feeling he was trying to test me). He said if I decided to become serious with David, that I shouldn't worry about him, so I said okay. But now instead of asking me out directly, John always asks me questions like "what are you doing tonight?" or "is anyone taking you out tomorrow night?" I don't know if he feels threatened by David and is therefore acting strange. I had to reassure him that I wanted to go out with him, and he would ask, "are you sure?" And when I said yes, then he said, "okay" and we went out and had a good time. The thing is, I really like John, and if he were to become serious with me, I would choose him over David. But I have to keep my options open in case John doesn't like me that much to want to ever get serious with me. I feel like if I don't go out with David, John would probably never figure out whether he wants me enough to want me only to himself; and if I do go out with David, then John may feel threatened and back up from the relationship altogether. What am I supposed to do? Any insights? Thank you in advance for your opinions!
nicki Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 You are doing the right thing about dating others. Be careful you are not using David, however, to get John....It's not nice to use others. Only date David if you like him, irrespective of what John does. In general, if you are dating others and John realizes that he wants you, then great (if you decide you want him.) Just make sure you are not holding out for that. It should be a natural consequence of you doing what's right for you. If it happens to work out with John, then it happens. If it doesn't, then you are moving on with other men who offer more possibilities. It's a simple, but important distinction. It puts the focus on you, not John. If he backs away because you are dating someone else, then so be it. He told you to date others, after all. If it were me, I wouldn't be sleeping with John until he offered exclusivity. And I wouldn't sleep with David either until I offered him exclusivity. You are handling it all very well. Just keep moving forward with YOUR life and don't worry about what John does. Come to think of it, I wouldn't tell him anything about your personal dating life. Just be vague and say you have "plans" or don't respond at all to his questions and change the subject.
nicki Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Sorry for the double post, just wanted to add that John is probably fishing for information to see if he still has you on the "hook." He wants to know you still want him....and when he knows that, he has no incentive to move forward with you and commit to you. It sounds like an ego thing. If he wants to be with you, then he would be. If he asks you any more questions, joke around and say that he sounds jealous and you think he DOES want to be your boyfriend....but don't tell him a thing about David. I would cut off all information about your dating life.
Author waitingforlove Posted March 5, 2007 Author Posted March 5, 2007 Hi Nikki, Thank you for your insights and advice! I think you're right on! I'm starting to like David a little bit too, although sometimes I feel like I'm liking him just because he's nice to me, maybe not necessarily because I like him the person. But maybe time will tell. As far as John is concerned, I think I'm going to back off from him. It's hard to do because I really feel attached towards him, but on the other hand, I don't want to get my heart broken some time if he never truly wants me. At the beginning he was really into me, but not anymore. If a guy can pull away after only three months, perhaps he's only into the "chase," not me. Now that the chase is over, he is not interested anymore. I think I do realize that I need to keep some dignity and back away from him, not to make him think that I can't live without him. If, after I back off, he come forward again, great. If he doesn't, then it probably means that he is really not that attracted to me after all. And it's good to find out sooner rather than later if that's the case. At any rate, thank you for your opinions. Sometimes it helps to hear something from someone else, even if I do know it inside myself.
Lauriebell82 Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 in my opinion if a guy tells u he doesnt mind if u date other people he's just "really not that into" according to that book. i think u should lose this dude john, i know u really like him but he sounds like an idiot. he sent u into another guys arms and is now asking u questions about it. see what happens with David, but honestly if u dont like the guy all that much it isnt fair to keep him around just because john isnt going for u. its ok to be single!!!
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