Lost...

[Auqakuh]

Hi, a friend pointed me here, and well, I'd like some varied points of view, basically.

 

I'll start at the very beginning, so forgive me if this is pretty long. When I was growing up I had a girlfriend pretty much the whole time - just the one girl, Rene. We met when we were both five. We may have even fallen in love then - who knows? But we very soon became so close as to wonder where the one started and the other stopped. We eventually - when we were rather older - talked about how we'd marry, have kids, settle down together, have a long happy future...

 

And then eight days after my sixteenth birthday, she died. Because of childish reasons, my family never knew about she and I. We kept it secret. It was fun that way. We were going to burst in on the world as a cemented unit - or something like that. I don't really know. But nobody knew.

 

As a result, I had to cope on my own. We'd promised not to tell anyone a long time before. And being young, and stupid, I kept that promise even after she died - almost. I did tell one person, a therapist I was seeing. My family didn't know what was wrong with me, but, well I lived in a troubled household anyway, so they drew their own assumptions. My father was bipolar, so it was hardly a stable home.

 

The therapist saw me until I was eighteen. I wasn't coping with her death well still at that time - but he was a child therapist, so he wouldn't see me after I hit eighteen. He advised me to try -roleplay-. I would go online - something I was already doing, hence the suggestion - and be myself... but eight years down the line. I was to figure out how I would have dealt with it, retroactively, and then apply it to my life. This way I could also find people I could comfortably talk to about Rene, you see.

 

Grasping at straws as I was, I took the advice to heart. I created an online persona, found a new chat network with only adults, and set up shop there. Briefly I went there as myself, too, and while I was doing that, I met a girl.

 

She rocked my world thoroughly, but it was too soon. I hid from her for six months or so, and then accidentally ran into her under my -other- nick. I admitted that I was the same guy - and time passed. As time passed I lied to her, or rather, initially, in front of her, about my age. She believed what I said publically, and, fearing that she'd think very little of me if she found out, and mistakenly assuming I wouldn't know her long anyway (at first), I didn't correct her about my age - or my occupation, or the life that I'd created to sort myself out.

 

It's worth remembering I -was- of legal age at the time, mind you.

 

We fell for each other (we later told each other, we didn't know the other had at the time), but were too afraid for our own inidivual reasons to make the jump from friendship (and a little more) to something else. There were large gaps apart when one or the other ran away. And then last year, in April, I ran across her again. I thought I wouldn't see her again. And I realised some things. It was almost instant, and I've never experienced anything like it.

 

But I had to have her. She had to be with me, and that was that, and I was NOT going to waste the chance, as it were. I chased her. I chased her without even meaning to initially, and fell so hard that within a couple of months I couldn't imagine being without. Probably sooner than that.

 

We had many problems, largely with exclusivity. She was not willing to commit to someone online - prior issues with other people - while I was. She later said she had wanted to, but was too afraid to open herself up to the potential hurt, something I understood well enough.

 

I was sick in August, and vanished offline as a consequence. A rather long while before that I had been seen with an ex of mine. I had thought nothing of that at the time, as we weren't exclusive, and frankly at the time there had been no way out of it without hurting my ex - it was a complex situation and I was hurting alot at the time, because my girlfriend had cheated on me after saying she wanted to be exclusive.

 

We got past the cheating - or rather I did. I forgave her. She didn't seem to think it a big deal, thinking back, but I didn't really care. We still hadn't met, I realised, so I couldn't expect the same things of her. If it was going to work, she wouldn't do it again. If it wasn't - she would. Simple as.

 

In August, when I was sick, a "friend" told her about my ex and I - that we were still together. Which were categorically not. This "friend" had, I feel, fallen for her, and was trying to get her to leave me - simple as. Both she and he have said this wasn't the case, but it was, and I know it was. I knew he was interested in her before I was sick - I introduced them, you see.

 

Anyway, she was very sure she had made a mistake with me. That I was using her as a "bit on the side", basically. Six months of chasing and her running from her feelings eventually culminated in a wonderful Christmas - she was on holiday, and we somehow just... stopped running from each other. It's difficult to explain what happened, but we ended up back together, and I was heading out to her country in January anyway - so we soon agreed that I'd come see her.

 

We met in late January. It was the most wonderful, happy week of my life, and that's no exaggeration at all. I had intended to tell her the truth about my age, and all, but looked into her eyes and saw the hurt in my mind's eye that I would find there if I did - and couldn't. I couldn't find a way. I tried to stay longer so that I could tell her, but the airline wouldn't let me change my return ticket date. In fact, they got the return date wrong by a week, and I had to go home early, without seeing my aunt, which was the reason I'd -originally- been going out there... or rather the excuse I grabbed onto. I was really always going to see her. She knew that. She knew I would've come to find her if necessary.

 

We were always strong together, only ever weak apart, and she has always known my moods inside out. We spoke alot about the future, before and after and all along, really, since we ran into each other again in April - well, late March, technically.

 

She is all I've ever wanted, all I've ever dreamed of; we share so many of the same dreams, so many of the same beliefs - and even where we differ there's no argument, just... that happy recognition of differences. I -love- those differences, and I think she did too.

 

And then when I came home, it all changed. She apparently realised I was lying about something - although not what she thought I was. She thought I had lied about going to see my aunt, that I had only been going to see her, and she was determined that I'd tell the truth. I don't know if she meant it - I doubt she did, to be honest - but she threatened to leave me if I didn't tell her the truth.

 

So I told her. I wanted to anyway, so it didn't really take much. I just didn't want her hurt. I never lied with malice, and I would've told her when I was there, but her friend asked about my past life in front of her... And you just can't humiliate someone by admitting to a lie in front of others. You just can't. No matter how you want to, it won't come out, not if you care about them, not if you love them the way I love her.

 

I told her rather too bluntly, because I was crazy upset by what I'd done.

 

She was, quite naturally, furious, and left me. She told me she would never speak to me again. Not ever.

 

She did not keep to that. We spoke again, not long after that, at her instigation. We kept talking. She would disappear for days, but we kept talking. It was frosty sometimes - sometimes very much the opposite. We shared a close moment a week ago. Started speaking about how trust could be rebuilt. She said she was wary of me still, but missed me, still loved me.

 

And then she disappeared for three whole days.

 

She came on last night.

 

Told me she never wants to hear from me again, that she can't get past the lies, that there's nothing left to say - and that if I try to email her, message her, leave her a memo on IRC, or call her, she'll "contact the authorities". She said several times she was leaving, but couldn't seem to do it straightaway. I tried to ask her not to go, but she refused, and left... only to come back. Wait a minute. And then leave again.

 

She hasn't spoken to me since. I've emailed a couple times, largely to say things left unsaid, because I don't believe in leaving things unsaid. I just don't. I'm not a stalker, and I don't give a damn if she -does- contact the authorities - what will they do, tell her to click "block"? Exactly.

 

But I don't know what to do. I have no idea. People keep telling me she'll be back, that this is her pattern - and it is, she did this when we were broke up before, and always came back.

 

I do know she loves me. I've seen it in her eyes, felt it in her hands, tasted it on her lips. I -know- how she feels. We've very much touched each other in that deepest of ways that you read about in old romances and think "Ha, that's silly" when you're a kid.

 

But how do I deal with this? Do I just walk away and hope she comes back? Do I walk away and not look back? Does anyone think she might have only said she missed me and loved me just to make this final blow more painful?

 

Anything, anything would help.

 

I'm more lost than I've ever been, and I've been very lost before, I'm sad to say.

[princesspeaches]

Personally, I'd give her time. If it is just your age and occupation that you lied about I think that she will eventually be able to overlook it if you guys are that much in love. I've been lied to about much worse things and been able to forgive and move on. I'd write one email explaining why you lied in the first place and open with that. In the rest of the email tell her how you feel about her and your relationship, tell her everything even the silly things you don't think matter. I lost the love of my life to silly things more than a year ago, and he's finally back in my life now. I waited because I'm lost without him. But I'm a believer in fate and I believe what's meant to be will always find a way. If you love her don't just walk away, give it time. I don't think she'd say she missed you and loved you to hurt you. I think if she was trying to hurt you she would have said the opposite or something worse. I'm sorry that you're feeling lost right now. Good luck.

[Guest]

Personally, I'd give her time. If it is just your age and occupation that you lied about I think that she will eventually be able to overlook it if you guys are that much in love. I've been lied to about much worse things and been able to forgive and move on. I'd write one email explaining why you lied in the first place and open with that. In the rest of the email tell her how you feel about her and your relationship, tell her everything even the silly things you don't think matter. I lost the love of my life to silly things more than a year ago, and he's finally back in my life now. I waited because I'm lost without him. But I'm a believer in fate and I believe what's meant to be will always find a way. If you love her don't just walk away, give it time. I don't think she'd say she missed you and loved you to hurt you. I think if she was trying to hurt you she would have said the opposite or something worse. I'm sorry that you're feeling lost right now. Good luck.

 

Thank you, this was not at all what I expected.

 

I've done a lot of attempting to explain - I think I did it far too soon and it's made things far far worse than they need be. I also think that she's questioning right now whether she was right to leave the guy she was with during the time we broke up. He wasn't right for her - as her friend as well as everything else I could see that from the start - and I know she knew he wasn't as well. She told me so quite plainly, and was mad at herself for not admitting it sooner.

 

We are - or were - are - one of the two - very much in love. We have long been so, but it took a very long time to admit it. As I said, we knew each other for three years before we got together, four years now in all. In all that time we've -always- gone back to the other eventually, so it's easy to believe she might again.

 

I don't understand why she would want to cut ties completely now. She knows why I lied, and she was beginning to see that she DID know me, DOES know me, and that I hid far less than she knew... we had this conversation where I was pointing out things that showed she knew me, things she couldn't have guessed at otherwise, things she figured out about me that others always miss - but that came naturally and easily to her.

 

I just don't understand why she's done this. The being broken up I can deal with, I don't believe it's over til you're dead or they stop loving you, whichever comes first - and I know she still loves me. You know how you can feel that, no matter how someone tries to hide it, if you're -really- in tune with them. It comes across in so many ways still.

 

I'm angry and I'm hurt and I want to talk to her, but if I try to do so, won't I just be pushing her away by ignoring her wishes? And then there's the dilemma - if I don't talk to her, what if she takes that as meaning I'm not as serious as I've said I am? I've told her in the past that I -know- we're meant to be together, and that I won't give up on her, that I know she gets afraid and runs from me - so if I don't talk to her, aren't I confirming her belief that I'm not what and who I said I am?

 

The issue lies with trust, so I feel I have to be consistent, and being consistent means continuing to email her, maybe occasionally trying to call her - but this means ignoring her feelings.

 

That's why I'm lost. In loving her, I have to do what is best for her, and not just for me. And all I know is that both of us have not been happier in our lives than we were for that one, single week.

 

I'm sorry this is so long, I'm very full of thoughts right now, and my usual sounding board is her... she's the one I turn to, always, and without her I feel very lost and confused as to who to listen to. Half my friends say that the way she's treated means I should just walk away, move on, and the other half say she'll be back and I should do what makes me happy... they're as divided as I am.

 

Thank you very much for reading and trying to help.

 

On an unrelated note, the image verification is pissing me off no end. I can never read the damned things.

[BlueEyedSarah]

You could send one last email just to explain to her why you lied if you have not done so already, but to be honest I think you should stop sending her anything as this is pushing her more away if you chase her.

 

Like she said, she doesnt want you to contact her, let her contact you, but don't wait around for her to do so as it may not happen.

 

She does not want to be contacted as she needs time and space to figure her thoughts out and to figure what lies you told her.

 

You lied to her in the first place, you can not keep up lies with someone you love, yes she will find it hard to trust you again, this is why you need to let her have the time and space she needs to figure out things.

 

If you both are very much in love then she will come back to you, but don't wait around for her as it may be final.

[Auqakuh]

I guess this is all true, what you're saying.

 

However, she isn't wanting space... she's wanting vacuum, if you know what I mean. I think at this point I just have to face the fact that she won't be back, despite... my having forgiven things with great difficulty in my turn. Sometimes I think we just have to accept that people say one thing and mean another... in my mind if you say you love someone unconditionally, then you love them unconditionally... not only when it's easy.

 

And if someone I love that way can't give the same back... then I was wrong to let myself give so much in the first place... even if that giving later seems lessened by a lie I never even wanted to tell.

[Auqakuh]

I'm finding it very hard not to email her. I just can't believe she's totally cut me off like this. It all seems so out of character... so sudden. Just a week ago we were talking about how to fix things... I think I understand even less now than I did then.

 

There was another time we were apart and during that time I did everything in reason in my power to show her that I missed her and felt we shouldn't be apart - I don't see how doing differently this time will show her anything but that I perhaps lied about more than just my age. Some part of me says I should still try to contact her, only through email (you can delete emails, or block the emailer, so it's not really a hassle, in my view, in the same way that calls can be), to tell her that I'm not going to give up and that she shouldn't either... or something.

 

I get this feeling that she misses me, the way I used to when we'd split up before; I was never wrong then - I find it difficult to see why I'd be wrong now.

 

Still lost...

[Auqakuh]

Lost, confused, afraid. Words of hers buzzing around my head. Half of me wondering if I imagined it all, if what I thought we had just never existed. I understand you guys promote NC - but surely it should be done with -some- talking? Isn't it all rather senseless to just cut someone off, particularly someone who you still love?

 

I know she still loves me because we've been through the meat grinder before. We survived that. It was hard, it was extremely hard, but we survived it, which to me proved that we're strong. But now I'm not so sure. I'm not so sure about anything at the surface.

 

Yet deeper down I have no fear whatsoever, and it's half-driving me crazy. It's like some part of me knows something the rest of me doesn't. And it makes it worse, because I start to believe it then get mad at myself for thinking it's true, that she will be back.

 

Sometimes I don't know if I want her to come back at all - but those moments are so rare. The majority of the time I ache. Just ache. The agony just builds up and builds up and - bang. I end up emailing her again. I'm not sending a vast number, thank goodness, but still, when she wants no contact, one is probably too many.

 

I just don't want to cut contact completely. I don't want her to walk away thinking I don't care.

 

It got so bad tonight that I called her. She didn't answer, nobody did - got the answer machine. Yet for some reason I had to talk, so I did. It made me feel better because she might hear it. I don't know why that even matters. It's not so much that we're broken up that hurts, it's the complete lack of contact. She was the most important part of my life for nearly a year... how do I cope with that being cut out instantly?

 

I don't know what to do. I seriously don't. She brought me out of my shell - I'm a guy who couldn't even walk out of his front door last year, but I went all the way from the UK to Canada for her. With ease. That's how important she was and is to me - that nothing could've stood in my way, nothing at all - yet... she doesn't know. I was afraid to tell her the full extent of my panic issues... afraid I'd be a "poor catch". I don't know what to do.

 

I feel helpless.

 

I guess it doesn't matter if nobody replies, I just need to get this off my chest anyway.

[MagnoliaJane]

A...

 

Would it help you if you made a compromise?

 

Something like, give her a full month of NC from your side. In that month, try to focus on yourself and yourself alone, to get calm again.

 

When the month is over, then contact her again.

 

This way you will have given her some space, and will not have given up on your ideals either.

 

But give her one month.

 

All the best

[Auqakuh]

A...

 

Would it help you if you made a compromise?

 

Something like, give her a full month of NC from your side. In that month, try to focus on yourself and yourself alone, to get calm again.

 

When the month is over, then contact her again.

 

This way you will have given her some space, and will not have given up on your ideals either.

 

But give her one month.

 

All the best

 

Yeah... this is what I've been thinking of tonight. The problem is I keep resolving to do something like that and end up emailing. Still, it's only been a few days - I'm not doing -that- badly.

 

I just hate the no contact thing, it reminds me of... other things which I don't need to be thinking of.

 

I do think she'll be back, though. I don't even really know why, it's not a hope thing, it's more a... internal certainty. I've had those sorts of feelings about her before and not been wrong before... so I suppose I can use that to boulster myself a bit in the meantime. If I turn out to be wrong, it'll probably be easier to accept by then anyway.

 

I guess!

 

Thanks anyway... just exceptionally hard for me to find distractions since I'm working from home, on a computer. And we met online. So. Meh on that! If I could get paid the same for something else... damn I wish, lol.

[Sand&Water]

Reply:

 

I believe this is the true test of the course in your life, at the moment, Auqakuh.

 

You should sit down with yourself, IF you haven't already done so, and ask yourself a few questions -questions that dig right to the core of the situation.

 

That is:

 

For how long will you be chasing after her? What if she doesn't come back, what then? Back to square one?

 

What do you intend to do differently that will show her you are truly a gentleman and sincere in your intentions/words/actions? IF you were in her position, would you have walked out?

 

The questions go on for miles.

 

I believe you should:

 

(1) She asked for space and time. Give that to her. Refrain from contacting her. NO CONTACT. I mean it. NO CONTACT.

 

(2) IF she is in love with your very being, she will be able to sort through everything in her head. Thus in the end coming back to you -even IF it takes her 3 months.

 

Wait. Be patient. But not for too long.

 

Soon you will realize with time, as months go by, that the relationship may or may not survive amongst the mess and patches of distrust.

 

She needs this time to trust you again. Or at least, attempt to familiarize herself with your identity.

 

(3) Write out everything you want to say to her -NO LIES. Send it to her, so that she knows where she stands in retrospect. After that let her know that you'll respect her decision -which ever one she chooses.

 

Sooner or later, her true colors will flourish.

 

I sense that what you've done isn't that huge of a crime, and she will be able to over-look this issue among other lies and accept you for who you -of course keeping in mind she is still in love with you.

 

Keep us posted. I'd like to hear about how this will pan out. Good Luck.

 

Sand&Water

[Auqakuh]

Well, I have been asking those questions. I find that I know what I would have done in her shoes - I don't believe in breaking up to try to solve something. I believe in staying the course - if all else fails, then you know it's over. I don't step back til I'm sure - I don't step -in- until I'm sure either, if you know what I mean.

 

I would have forgiven her first. Then I would have learnt to understand -how- to forgive her. You can forgive someone without actually doing so - you just have to figure out why you want to. Does that make sense? There was an occasion where I had to do so, with her. Where she hurt me quite badly - repeatedly - and I didn't have a clue why. I stuck by her, I stayed, and I forgave her, and eventually, the truth came out. And I understood.

 

This is why I don't understand her walking away - it's not something that's -natural- to me. It's a fundamental difference in the way we react to things, I suppose. She flees, finds shelter, and thinks. I stay, dig in, and think.

 

From here on out, I will be practicing NC. I did alot of thinking last night, and made that decision from the heart, rather than from the mind. There's another issue here that's very private and very personal, so I can't talk about it - but it scares the hell out of me, and made it far harder to stay away than it would have been.

 

However, she's been back online, under her old nick, on IRC. If she was going to stay away, I feel she would -stay away entirely-. She didn't come on and talk to anyone - just hopped on, stayed briefly, and left again. So I have a little hope, now. It's all I asked for - I did ask her in my last email that, if she got what I said, and if she understood at all, to just... hop on and off. And it seems that's what she did.

 

Of course, she may never have gotten the email - I could be blocked! You never know. But it's enough for now.

 

I do not, however, know what I can do differently. I am by no means perfect inside a relationship, but I'm definitely the most trusting, forgiving, and romantic guy I know. I'm not sure what I could do without seeming to be working too hard at it, if you know what I mean. All I can really do is be who I've always been with her - the lies were NOT a part of that, they never were. That's rather the point. I'm still me, the man who fell in love with her. And she still knows me better than most people.

 

I have no doubt she's still in love with me. We've been in love for four years... that doesn't go away overnight.

 

But thank you for your aid and support... I'll keep you all posted, as far as I can, without breaching any trusts.

 

I must admit, though, that last night I did potentially the wrong thing; I sent her flowers. I know, I know, it's very desperate seeming, very cliche as well, but what I wanted was for her to have something she could hold in her hands that symbolized my thinking of her. I didn't know what else to do. Now I think a bit differently - but it's done.

[Sand&Water]

Reply:

 

Sounds like she is neck-deep into this connection, and love -as well as you.

 

I doubt she will just easily block your e-mail address. Reading your e-mails has probably become partly an automatic habit for her. She did just as you asked, and I think that shows she is willing to put on an open-mind for the best.

 

In addition, I doubt she will be able to completely remove herself from this mess -or rather love. Once a woman travels underground and over hills for a man, it will be difficult for her to emotionally let go.

 

The larger aspect of this is, her coming to terms with the realism of the situation. Understanding and grasping the boundaries of realness of the closeness, connection and love she once shared with you [ -even if it was partially virtual] is most definitely haunting her.

 

She is likely mad, right now, at herself for falling for a man -that in essence has deceived her on many levels. And, by content, humans have a hard time convincing themselves of the truth when the evidence points straight to the contrary.

 

The flowers, you understand, were not a good idea. But I know you were aiming for the symbolism -rather than anything else. I think, to be honest, if this -i.e. holding out for her, e-mails, etc - doesn't work out, then I don't know what will. You have to be strong for her, yes, but sooner or later you're engine will give out. And you may end up with more internal hurt than what you started with [your past histories and all].

 

So be cautious. Be patient. And I think she is a smart enough woman to understand the difference between right/wrong, trust/distrust, and love/infatuation.

 

Sand&Water

[Auqakuh]

What a strange day.

 

Yesterday the flowers arrived. I expected some sort of reaction, and indeed I did get one! For some strange reason, she's added me to her MSN again, unblocked me... and said not one word. She just logged straiiiight back out again.

 

And then later in the day I run into the guy she was with before, on IRC. He says I need to leave her alone, that she threw out the flowers, that she's sick of all the emails which she hasn't actually gotten by the way because she doesn't use that account anymore (someone's definitely lying, here), and that the authorities have been contacted.

 

What tripe.

 

Meanwhile I had to sit there and figuratively bite my tongue - you see, she told me quite explicitly that part of the reason she had realised he really wasn't what she had thought he was was that when they met... and he touched her... she flinched away from him. I kindof guessed things didn't go well with them, simply because she was with me within a week, talking from her hotel room - so I still rather think she was telling the truth. The only good thing I can take from this is that he is plainly an arsehole (knew that anyway) - while I am not (was honestly starting to wonder if I was!).

 

Anyway, I've now blocked her on MSN, set myself invisible to her on yahoo, put her on ignore on IRC, deleted her number from my phone, deleted her email addresses from my address book (I didn't know them, funnily enough, because I always use the address book, heh). I figure it's for the best, but I don't really know why I'm doing it.

 

I'll regret it no doubt... but that's life.

[Auqakuh]

Well... I have my answer.

 

I am a stalker. She came onto IRC and pasted stuff from WebMD, essentially telling me that I'm a sad, pathetic, low-life loner hanging onto her coat-tails because I have nothing of my own worthwhile.

 

She kept pasting for nearly an hour, even when I stopped trying to explain what had happened - I tried briefly to talk to her, but she had no interest in that - and told her exactly what I thought about various lies -she- has told -me-, and the fact that while I could forgive hers... she's never found it easy to forgive anything wrong I do. I told her that she has been abusive towards me far too often, and that even though I would probably still forgive her (I just love her too much... I know I do)... I was well aware she would never ask for it.

 

I said goodbye, and I placed her on ignore.

 

The pain is... exquisite.

 

Oh. As for how she messaged me - I took her off ignore when I saw her online.. in the end I couldn't help it. I had to try and talk to her, try and see if she had come on to see me, or... whatever. Big mistake, huh. But now at least I know.

[Auqakuh]

Ok. Now I just... I'm shocked, really. How does someone do this to someone else? Someone else they claimed they loved? How do you then turn it around and claim it was all in the other person's head?

 

It's just ludicrous, plain ludicrous.

 

Lost more than ever, in truth, though I'm trying to look as normal as possible.

 

But then there's the little thought in the back of my mind: what if she's right?

 

What if I am exactly what she said.

 

Thank **** I'm still in contact with my exes, however. They're all quite happy to tell me that I am indeed not a stalker, or they'd not be talking to me any more.

 

So phew on that at least... but still. This is possibly the most hurtful thing she could've done... I barely believe it happened.

[Auqakuh]

Well - something of an update. She still comes online, strangely only at times she knows I'd be on. Her boyfriend never comes onto IRC these days, which... strikes me as a little weird. She just sits there idle. It's half pissing me off, to be honest. If you want no contact with someone, why come on with your old nick (I know she has a new one now, too, I've been told by a couple people) and just sit there? Worse, she still has that "Lost ..." thing in her /whois, and it's driving me nuts... makes me wonder if she really is still "lost".

 

Anyway, it's probably a moot point now anyway; I did the "superb screwup" thing and emailed her new boyfriend. She had been going on about how important the truth was - and in a moment of weakness and anger I decided to spread some of this "truth" around. I told him all about the fact that when they were last together, we were still very much talking, despite her telling him we were not. I told him that we spent Christmas together right after they met up in Pennsylvania (and she split with him about two weeks later, telling him she had "unresolved feelings" for me only) - that we were still quite sexually active with each other for most of the time they were together - and worse, for some inexplicable reason I told him the reason why I had continued to contact her.

 

That reason still scares me. We had a scare after I came home - she was late for her period, and there was the obvious worry that she was pregnant. But she never told me explicitly that she wasn't. She went to her doctor to be tested and told me on the same day she had a kidney infection - but she never did say whether or not she was pregnant. Not for definite. So I'm still pretty scared that she is... and just didn't tell me.

 

Of course now I'll probably never know. :/

[Auqakuh]

Twenty-three days gone and no contact. I have a hole the size of Africa in me.

 

This is the worst time of year for me.

 

She and I got together last April, April 4th funnily enough. The number 4 seems to crop up a lot lately. Anyway, last year I was okay this time of year, first time I have been since... well, since I was sixteen and my first love died. She died May 29th.

 

A few years later my dad died, July 24th...

 

I hate summer.

 

I miss Rene (my first love) and I miss my ex so badly right now. I can't do the NC thing... it's beyond me... maybe it's just the time of year, I don't know... but I can't do it.

 

A friend of mine is going to pass on an unofficial message. Just so she knows how much I miss her. But she won't know it's from me.

 

I wish I could talk to her.