MsCat Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 Hi everyone, im new to this forum, but i would really appreciate some advice on a v rubbish situation i am in. Apologies for the length of this post, but it has been quite therapeutic writing this down! Im 26 and have been having a fling with a guy from work for about the last 6 months. He is 10 years older than me.To give a bit of history, I have known this guy since 2003 and he has always made it obvious that he likes me. Then in 2005, I found out (and not by him) that he was going to be a father. When I found out i was surprised by how gutted i felt. I felt really crap, but also thought, well that's that. Anyway i didn't really think anything more of him and still emailed him now and then and chatted to him as before. Then at another work do (I can't remember if his son was born before or after this night) he ended up walking me back to my train station and we had a kiss. I just remember feeling so guilty. Later in 2005 I ended up leaving my job for a while and I got an email from him saying he was gutted. He would always mention his son as well and say they were both gutted about me leaving and silly things like that. He would also send me photos of him and his son. I then ended up working at another company but still in the same industry. I went to a work do and he was there. he was a bit drunk and i started chatting to him and he said "you know when you haven't seen anyone for a long time and you suddenly see then and you get butterflies in your stomach" and he looked at me. I was just gobsmacked really, i didn't know what to say as i wasn't expecting that at all. I kind of laughed it off and left it at that. About 6 months after this, my contract at this other company ended and I ended up back at my old company. This was June 2006. Just to make it clear, he didn't actually live in the city and he worked from home on a Monday and a friday and would commute down on a Tuesday morning stay overnight Tues and Weds nights and go back on Thurs nights. So i didn't see him every day during the week and I would never hear from him at the weekends. Then it was on his birthday in Sept and we had a quick kiss, instigated by him. Then my department director had leaving drinks and he came to that and wherever i was in the bar, he was always there, it seemed like he was following me. We ended up chatting at the bar and we had a pretty frank conversation, i was saying that i couldn't do anything more cos of his son. I said does he not feel bad, and he said "yes, but i can't help my feelings" and anyway we ended up leaving and having a bit of a kiss on the way to the train station. As we walked to the station entrance we chatted and i said, it probably wouldn't work me and him going out anyway and he said, "I don't know, i think i'll always like you". Things became a bit more full on and it seemed only a matter of time before things would go even further. We ended up booking somewhere to stay over that night was really nice. And when we were cuddled up he said that things were getting serious and he was wondering when he could see me again. A few weeks later was the week before christmas and the last week of work before the holidays i found out he had kissed his assistant at their department party I was obviously upset but i said he could do what he wanted i hadn't got a hold on him. He texted me an apology later that night but i didn't reply, i really didn't know what to say. Anyways the next night we stayed together as we went to a concert. He acually bought me a present as well, which i was very surprised at, i didn't expect that at all and i did ask him later why he had done it, did he feel guilty? and he said yes, but also cos he wasn't going to see me for a while due to the christmas and new year period. We had a really good night back at the hotel and he said some stuff that i just didnt know what to say to. We were talking about his son, and he said " I feel that he knows you" I just thought what?! His son is 18 months old, ive never met him before how can he know me? He then said that he loved me to bits and that he did love me. I was really shocked and said "you do" and he said yes. I said "well, given the situation, you do realise i can't say it back to you, ive got to look after myself" and he said fair enough, and that he knew that i kept things close to my chest. Ive tried to be guarded in my feelings for him and not thought too much about what i feel so as not to get too hurt. Though he has said he would hate it if I left and would never be able to see, speak or have contact with me. Christmas and new year came and went and i had a miserable time as i didn't hear anything from him. I didn't expect phone calls or anything, but i thought a quick merry christmas text would have been nice but nothing. I had decided then, that i would have to finish things when i got back. However when i got back to work we chatted lots and emailed lots and he was being all lovely. We managed to sneak off after work one night and had a kiss and i mentioned that i'd not heard from him over christmas and he said that if he did, it would make it seem like there was more to the situation and our reationship. He did say that night that he loved the whole package with me, he loved everything about me. Whenever i talked he fell instantly in love with me and whenever i went round to his department he would light up when he saw it was me. He also said that the first night we slept together he didn't want to go to sleep he just loved cuddling up with me and talking and listening to music. I did say as we were walking back to the station that so basically carry on doing what we are doing until I leave and that's it and he said "I can't see it being any other way do you" and i didn't say anything and he said that we were both thinking the same thing but not saying it. The next week we met up and went to the cinema and had a meal. And at the meal we chatted and at one point our eyes just locked for ages and i had a bit of a jolt in my stomach. We then had a kiss on the way back to the station and he said that we either have to finish things now, or carry on as we are and he has to make a big decision. I was pretty shocked that he was the one that said it especially as I hadn't really thought about how i felt about the situation, thgouh it was clear i did like him. he said that he didn't want to finish things. Then 2 days later he dropped a bombshell and said that me and him would never happen. he said his child was only 18 months old and he's not willing to give up what he's got, he wants to at least try and make a go of it. I was shocked cos it really had come out of the blue, especially after he had said what he did only 2 days before. He said does this change things and i said i don't know.I mean i hadn't asked him for an ultimatum, i had tried not to think too much about it i think and i would never have expected him to choose between me and his son. I was obviously very gutted. He still emailed at work and texted me and the next week was my department conference and he was going to be there. I tried being very blunt with my email replies. He didn't make it easy for me to deal with the situation. At the conference i was trying to be as normal as ever and not spend any time alone with him, but he kept being where i was and when i caught his eye he came over and started chatting to me and he said "just because of the decision i made doesn't mean i don't still have feelings for you" we ended up going back to his hotel room and you can imagine the rest. I do remember him telling me he loved me that night, which again confuses me, although he has made his decision so to speak. Ive been with him twice since that night and he mentioned that at the conference it was very meaningful and i said i don't remember as i was drunk, and he said oh and looked a bit put out. He told me later that he was being very lovey dovey with me and I said "did you mean it" and he said yes. He also bought me roses for valentines day, which i really didnt expect at all. Anyways, there have been a few moments when he has let me down and i understand this to being one of problems of being the other woman. The last 2 weeks i haven't seen him that often and only the odd email/text. I was on holiday mon-weds this week and he texted saying that he had missed not seeing me this week and sorry we've not been able to catch up. He then said lookng forward to seeig me the next day. There was a work do this thursday and we were staying up together however he had to get home again as his son had a cold and his girlfriend was tired. I just felt very disappointed again and just thought, what am i doing!? I don't want to feel disappointed or rubbish anymore, it's not a nice feeling at all and the thing is, i know that i'm doing it to myself. I have said to him recently that i don't think me and him would work out anyway and he said I don't know, I don't know. i gave him the perfect opportunity to say yes i agree, but he didn't. Im just very confused and although he has said his decision he said that he is drawn to me and he loves me to bits and that he thinks he will always love me. Im not sure what im doing, but I do know that I need to finish things, i just find it really hard especially when i get mixed messages. I think it has a lot to do with my own self-esteem. Someone likes me and gives me lots of attention and i lap it up. I think im still with him because of this, because i don’t think i will find anyone else who thinks about me or says the things to me like he has. Ive only ever had one boyfriend in my life and that was only for 10 months and ive always been single. All the men that are interested in me are married or have girlfriends, though apart from the odd kiss, nothing has happened wth any of them. this just seems to be a pattern and i am now so cynical about men that i just think im never gonna find anyone. I hate sounding desperate, especially as I pride myself on being such an independent person, but this situation has made me realise what i do want, and that is someone who wants me 100% and hasn’t got a gf or wife, i just find it hard to believe that any man is faithful? It’s weird because ive always been commitment-shy and never wanted a boyfriend as they tied me down and there were so many things i wanted to do etc etc and maybe i was drawn to attached men so i knew they were unavailable and i didn’t have to worry about them wanting any commitment with me, which is an horrible way to be anyway. But with this guy it was a bit different as he was different to me than any of the other guys. I think that because he has liked me for so long, he will always have feelings for me. When i think back, i did like him, but i never thought anything serious until he started saying all the lovey dovey stuff to me. I then began to think that maybe there would be a chance with me and him and i should think about that, but obviously that wasn’t the case. I do feel a fool to have fallen for it. but i know im living in a dream world if i think he will leave his gf and son for me. To be honest i don’t know if i would want him to leave them, as (amongst other things) i know i would never be able to trust him and no one should have to live with that worry, so that should shout loud and clear to me what i should do. The big problem is dealing with it at work. If i do finish things then we will still work in the same company and i will be at the same work social things. Luckily, i don’t directly need to speak to him all the time and I do have job interviews internally and externally coming up, but i don’t want him to have an affect of what i decide career-wise. I just know what i am like, and i will think about it all the time and feel embarassed and ashamed and hate myself for putting myself through this. I know time is a healer, i’m just not sure if being in the same company will help this.
whichwayisup Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 If you can, get another job. If you can't, then only deal with him on a professional level. At company parties/functions you do not have to talk to him unless it's work related. Then 2 days later he dropped a bombshell and said that me and him would never happen. he said his child was only 18 months old and he's not willing to give up what he's got, he wants to at least try and make a go of it. His words do not match his actions. It's over yet he tells you how he feels about you. Bottomline, he isn't going to change his life and divorce his wife, leave his son to be with you. It seems he's offering a small part of himself to you - And if you say yes to that, you'll continue to be the OW in his life. Put yourself first and END it. No good can come of your situation.
pricillia Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 It sounds like this man knows exactly what to say to you to get you back into this... And with the kissing the other girl... that should make you just end it... It has been 6 months this is the time where you walk away!
2sunny Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 WWIU- it appears that it is his "girlfriend" and not the "wife." anyway, the guy is only a player and you will always be hurt with these kind of folks. they know exactly how to act and what to say to keep you hanging around...but not willing to commit or maybe not capable of it either. do yourself a favor and find a different man that is available and nice...
puddleofmud Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 My response contains four points: 1) Immature 3-4) Immature Four Sub-points: 1.) alcohol 2.) kissing 3.) sex 4.) that's all it is/ was Been there and done "it" too many times to count--so my response isn't at all being judgemental nor "mean". Take it from the "old-school": call me "puddle of having been way too drunk/ horny and now willing to admit it" at time or two (three, four, five times), as this is common scenario. It will work itself out, eventually. You will get bored being that you are young and have so many single opportunities available--it's LD and will fade, the attention won't mean any thing sooner than later.
pricillia Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 I would not believe everything that he has said to you...
Author MsCat Posted March 5, 2007 Author Posted March 5, 2007 Thanks guys. I think im clinging on as ive not had a great deal of experience with men and so any guy that is remotely interested and is persistent and i have any form of attraction for them, I just lap it up. Not healthy at all, but i think i will eventually get bored as you have said. I just need to be strong for once in my life and get rid. Just hard, as i have said, cos of work, but i'll have to sort that out separately. Any self-esteem advice would help as well, as i think that is a major problem and will continue to be unless i sort it out. From looking at other posts it would seem that self-esteem is a big issue for the majority OW's.
Guest Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Any self-esteem advice would help as well, as i think that is a major problem and will continue to be unless i sort it out. Best advice is to get yourself into IC. If you don't start to be proactive about changing this unhealthy pattern you aren't going to be happy in the long run... the security/boost you feel from external validation is never long lived. You need to learn how to be able to make yourself feel good. Seriously, there are plenty of predators out there (men and women) who are dying to find a person out there such as yourself who will allow themselves to be devalued over a few pretty yet hollow words. He is playing you for a fool and it's obvious. Get rid of him and the drama and work on yourself!
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