Why do we try so hard to figure out what was wrong with our ex?

[kitten chick]

I'm guilty of this too but I keep seeing this over and over again on the board. Why do we try so hard to figure out what was wrong with our ex's? Why do we do a full psychological analysis of the person we were with instead of not going very deep, just accepting that it didn't work out for some reason and move on when they seem to do just that so easily? Is it part of our search for closure? Even asking questions like this, I know that I get so analytical about everything after a breakup...or at least after one finally hits me. What makes us so analytical during these times?

[guin_girl]

I over analyze everything... and I do mean everything... but I think that the reason we do this with breakups is because we are the "constant" in these relationships... we are the one thing that's the same in all of them, so it "must be us"... We start comparing one relationship to another and see if there are any similarities that led to the same result.

 

We also look at broken relationships as a "problem" that must be solved... we are trying to discover the "unknowns" that factored into the breakup. Because feelings are "intangible", we can't see them and accept them as a reason for breaking up. Losing a feeling is not as easy to understand as an actual fight... we can understand that one person may not want to have children while that's a "must have" for the other; that's a tangible thing that we can understand and can accept as a reason breaking up.

 

And for those of us who never actually had the "breakup" conversation and just had a disappearing act, you can't help but analyze every single conversation you had prior to not hearing from them again... I have the entire weekend transcribed in my head of every action and every nuance.... I will never know the reason, but it's something that I will probably drive my self nuts with for a while.

[Kwo-ne'-she]

In my case, it's two parts.

 

I think it was partly because I still loved my exes when I finally walked away. I cared about them, and really wanted to figure out why we couldn't work, even though it was over. A mind game of "what if.."

 

The second part, is simply that I prefer to learn from life. Dissecting a R that has ended allows me to see who did what wrong, and hopefully I won't repeat my mistakes, or choose someone with the same flaws my last ex had...

[Kwo-ne'-she]

And for those of us who never actually had the "breakup" conversation and just had a disappearing act, you can't help but analyze every single conversation you had prior to not hearing from them again.

 

Very good point! You didn't get the answers to some questions you may have had, no real sense of closure. And are left to grasp at thin air...

[sb129]

KNS's point about learning from falied relationships is a good one.

 

Also, when a R ends, alot of the time we may feel a sense of failure, so dissecting it may provide "reasons" and therefore relief from the sense of failure.

 

And nobody likes to have to look at themselves when a R ends, esp if they are hurting. Its much easier to dissect the ex!

 

My last failed R left alot of unanswered questions that i will never know the answers to... it was frustrating, but I have laid it to rest now. Knowing the answers now won't change my life, so I have moved on. Hard tho.

[johan]

I think it's good to be willing to do a little analysis of the ex and of your own self during/after a breakup. But I also think there's a point beyond which it becomes unproductive and keeps your focus too much on the past and on things you'll never know and probably don't need to know. It could even keep you from getting close to others and it could become an excuse for not moving on.

 

I don't think it's easy to know where that boundary between "healthy introspection" and "habitual dwelling" is, but I think you can recognize when you've been past it for a while. At that point a little mental discipline would be good to have.

 

Self-hypnosis is an excellent tool for gaining control of your thoughts.

[sb129]

I think it's good to be willing to do a little analysis of the ex and of your own self during/after a breakup. But I also think there's a point beyond which it becomes unproductive and keeps your focus too much on the past and on things you'll never know and probably don't need to know. It could even keep you from getting close to others and it could become an excuse for not moving on.

 

I don't think it's easy to know where that boundary between "healthy introspection" and "habitual dwelling" is, but I think you can recognize when you've been past it for a while. At that point a little mental discipline would be good to have.

 

Well said Johan. I agree. There comes a time when you really need to put the issues down. This varies for everyone, and I think the majoirty of people tend to put them down later rather than sooner, tending more towards the "habitual dwelling" rather than "healthy introspection".

However places like LS are brilliant for said people, and I think they really can help guide people towards the "healthy introspection" stage sooner.

 

It did for me,thats for sure.

[KittenMoon]

I think people tend to over-analyze things that don't make sense, and break-ups often make little sense.

 

In addition, I think people analyze themselves as much as they analyze their exes, but I think they talk about it less.

 

Or sometimes analyzing our exes helps us understand ourselves better. For example, I know without a shadow of a doubt i was a good girlfriend, and my ex was lucky to have me. Many people who knew us intimately, and on even footing, have confirmed this. In fact, most people were blown away that I wasn't the one who ended it. In retrospect, I know I put in so much more than I got, so I gotta ask myself "why?", which unfortunately puts me in the position where I analyze my ex and his actions before which I am able to analyze my actions and reactions to those things.

 

In conclusion- there's no easy answer to this.

[johan]

I think people often do this in an effort to remove the burden from their own ego. They need to have an external explanation for why it happened. Otherwise the "I'm unlovable" or "I wasn't good enough" monkey won't get off their backs. It's extremely hard to be objective about your own relationship failures, and for some people those failures strike much closer to the core of who they are.

[sb129]

Yeah. Those damned monkeys stuck with me for a while in my early twenties thats for sure.

 

Haven't seen them sround for a while now..

[Road Rage]

I think a lot can be learned by giving a lot of thought to past/failed relationships.

 

I always feel that after about two years down the road I see it all quite differently and much more clearly. And have learned a lot by really thinking things through.

 

Of course, it could be because there is a lot of time to think:laugh: Usually takes about two years for me to get something going.

[alphamale]

Is it part of our search for closure? Even asking questions like this, I know that I get so analytical about everything after a breakup...or at least after one finally hits me. What makes us so analytical during these times?

This must be a female phenomena cause I usually don't experience this when I break up with some woman. Maybe a little, but it's fleeting.

[Trialbyfire]

I think analytics is healthy. Take it apart, find out how it ticks or what made it stop ticking. It's integral to either correct what is wrong within you or to be able to stop future attraction to the unsuitables, which is in essence, also what you can correct. We've all seen repeat behaviour patterns when people are attracted to the wrong kind of guy.

[magichands]

I think analytics is healthy. Take it apart, find out how it ticks or what made it stop ticking.

I never get the chance. It stopped ticking because it just blew up in my face.

[Trialbyfire]

How so? I don't know your story.

[Art_Critic]

Sometimes it is about assigning blame...

 

How dare you breakup with me when you are not perfect either..then we have to figure out what they did wrong until we blame them for the demise of the relationship.

[Trialbyfire]

That's where it usually begins but eventually, it meanders to self-analysis but only when we're more capable of dealing with it. I think it's a self-protection reflex.

[whichwayisup]

I think when a relationship ends, or even a friendship with someone ends, and you've put in alot of energy and care, it's only natural to want to know the "why's, how's" etc...And, it's also how you learn about yourself, learn what you like/don't like in someone else and grow from your own experiences.

[alphamale]

I think when a relationship ends, or even a friendship with someone ends, and you've put in alot of energy and care, it's only natural to want to know the "why's, how's" etc...And, it's also how you learn about yourself, learn what you like/don't like in someone else and grow from your own experiences.

I also depends on if you're the dumper or the dumpee. If I'm doing the dumping (which is usually the case) then I don't care or analyze anything. The dumpee is usually the one analyzing what went wrong.

[Pyro]

I think when a relationship ends, or even a friendship with someone ends, and you've put in alot of energy and care, it's only natural to want to know the "why's, how's" etc...And, it's also how you learn about yourself, learn what you like/don't like in someone else and grow from your own experiences.

 

Very well put from the queen of LS.

[lindya]

I'm guilty of this too but I keep seeing this over and over again on the board. Why do we try so hard to figure out what was wrong with our ex's?

 

A lot depends on your experiences with that person. If they were generally normal enough, and there just wasn't enough heat - either for them or for you - then perhaps it's a lot easier to let go. If your ex was prone to bizarre behaviour or could be a bit of a misfit, however, then of course there will be a wealth of material for post-relationship analysis. If they decided to break up with you, it makes things a bit worse.

 

As Johan said, being dumped inevitably makes a person feel not good enough for a while - but being considered "not good enough" by someone who really hasn't got their own sh*t together is a particularly difficult pill to swallow...especially if you've viewed yourself as a saviour who can fix him. The bottom line, though, is that Mr Broken might really not want to be fixed. Especially not if appearing broken is one of his main pulling strategies.

[KittenMoon]

I think when a relationship ends, or even a friendship with someone ends, and you've put in alot of energy and care, it's only natural to want to know the "why's, how's" etc...And, it's also how you learn about yourself, learn what you like/don't like in someone else and grow from your own experiences.

 

Straight up. I've had this same feeling follow me about broken friendships. And it's helped, because now its far easier to see when someone is going to turn out to be a bad friend, and I no longer seek friendships with those kind of people.

 

Sadly, so much of this is about learning experiences, and some learning experiences need a lot more reflection than others.

[kitten chick]

wow, lots of great answers. thanks for your responses.

[magichands]

wow, lots of great answers. thanks for your responses.

At your service.

[thatmatt]

I think the biggest part is closure, being able to accept the reasons why it ended, and especially because at first there are a lot of emotions, so you go through thoughts again, and they're very different from the first time you went through them. For me, I analized 24/7 for about a month after the relationship. Going over thoughts, memories, conversations, etc over and over again, now i've gotten my closure on them or at least they don't bother me as much, but they do remind me why it was best to end it.

 

For some of us it's all a question of what allows us to be able to sleep at night?