cbl Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 us single (x)OW have to know that we do have an upper hand in ending the affair. we have nothing to lose.... maybe a few good s*x. but then being women we can easily have them. it's the MM who need to worry about finding the next OW when the affairs end and the risk of having to lose everything they have during the affair. men don't really analyze their emotions and feelings like we women do. the best revenge is to ignore them and when they call out of blue, simply tell them "you are history; i am moving on and now seeing someone else" that's the beginning of a long long healing process after ending the affair. make sure that you have good support system. i am sure you've read plenty of these threads here. all the best to you.
Author overandout Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 Yes, I think ignoring them is good and doesn't feed their egos and give them the satisfaction of seeing how hard you are taking the break up. I think telling him about his behaviour will have no effect at all, and I will come across as fairly desperate and needy and will just get upset. I think that when/if mm rings wanting to meet up, I will just say I can't make it, and I'll keep doing that until I feel like telling him to get lost (in a nice way of course!). I will also avoid going to the places that he goes to as that will feed his ego too, and I will let him wonder where I am --although I doubt he will wonder for very long. He will expect me to seek him out after a while (going on past behaviour) and this time I will act differently.
GreenEyedLady Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 I'm wondering why you don't just call him and tell him it's over?
pricillia Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 I'm wondering why you don't just call him and tell him it's over? That sounds like a good idea... then you can move on now instead of later! Don't have him thinking the whole time that he has you right where he wants you... You take the control back girl!
Author overandout Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 I'm wondering why you don't just call him and tell him it's over? Because he has never given me his cell phone number, refused to give me his email address, and as he doesn't work he is at home and I do not want to phone him there and never have done. I also do not want to seek him out and tell him because it will be in a public place and why should I go the effort of finding him. Also it will be in person, and I am trying to avoid that. So I will wait until he phones and mabe I wont play games (why should I sink to his level), and then I can just tell him I don't want this anymore and not to contact me again so that I can get on with my life.
pricillia Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 Because he has never given me his cell phone number, refused to give me his email address, and as he doesn't work he is at home and I do not want to phone him there and never have done. I also do not want to seek him out and tell him because it will be in a public place and why should I go the effort of finding him. Also it will be in person, and I am trying to avoid that. So I will wait until he phones and mabe I wont play games (why should I sink to his level), and then I can just tell him I don't want this anymore and not to contact me again so that I can get on with my life. But you have his home number? Oh what you have stated above is more reason for you to leave 1
Seen_It_All Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 My mm doesn't like "talks". You know what, Over? Too dam*ned bad that this selfish a*sshole doesn't like talks. Too bad. But he sure likes getting laid - and having you pick him up and drop him off, doesn't he? What a total skeeze. His kind makes my skin crawl. Nothing but a loser and a user. And the really sad part is that YOU even provide the transportation AND accommodations so he can use you sexually. You ask what his angle is when he talks about his real life to you. I don't think he's playing ANY angle, to be honest. He simply doesn't see you as someone precious to him, therefore, he doesn't feel the need to treat you with the respect he'd treat a woman he was in love with. He sees you as someone he occasionally has sex with and someone he's had a long enduring friendship with over the years. Someone who expects nothing out of him because she's hung around for 11 years and accepted his crumbs. That speaks volumes, Over. Volumes. To him, you're basically someone whose willing to drive over to his place, pick him up, bring him to your house, service him sexually, then drop him back off when he's done with you. I'd dare say he's gotten to the point where he probably doesn't even respect you much anymore. Well, it's very OBVIOUS that he doesn't respect you as long as I'm being totally honest. If I'm to be brutal, what man would respect a woman who has allowed herself to be a doormat for him for 11 years? He knows he can pretty much snap his fingers and you'll basically do whatever he asks. He KNOWS this. He knows you'll come pick him up, take him to your house, give him sex, then give him curb service back home again. Where's the respect in that? There IS none. People treat you the way you allow them to. Your role has basically been to service this guy and you've done it for 11 years. What an absolutely horrific waste of your life - 11 years. 11 years you can't get back. That's absolutely heartbreaking. 1
GreenEyedLady Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 Because he has never given me his cell phone number, refused to give me his email address, and as he doesn't work he is at home and I do not want to phone him there and never have done. I also do not want to seek him out and tell him because it will be in a public place and why should I go the effort of finding him. Also it will be in person, and I am trying to avoid that. So I will wait until he phones and mabe I wont play games (why should I sink to his level), and then I can just tell him I don't want this anymore and not to contact me again so that I can get on with my life. OH NO...I can't believe that this has gone on for 11 years and he never gave you a contact #?! Ok, DO NOT EVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN--EVER...Do not answer his calls etc...if you ever see him again IGNORE him...he's not worth the time... You need to move on with your life and consider this chapter of your life closed...you might want to talk to a professional about this...I think it would really help you...You do not deserve this type of treatment...My best wishes...GEL (((HUGS)))
pricillia Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 OverandOut... I Know that you are feeling bad about this whole thing, I am sure that your relationship consists more then just sex, I sure that you have fun together as you have said. However he has all of the control in the relationship. I was just wondering how did this relationship start? I also would not take nasty posters to heart, they just think that they know it all and have seen it all.. In your original post you mentioned a book that you read about not being a long time OW... You should share the title here with all so you can share information, it may help someone else out.
Author overandout Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 OverandOut... I Know that you are feeling bad about this whole thing, I am sure that your relationship consists more then just sex, I sure that you have fun together as you have said. However he has all of the control in the relationship. I was just wondering how did this relationship start? I also would not take nasty posters to heart, they just think that they know it all and have seen it all.. In your original post you mentioned a book that you read about not being a long time OW... You should share the title here with all so you can share information, it may help someone else out. Yes thanks for that Pricillia. I had his work number until he left the company 5 years ago. I met him at work when he was my immediate boss for just a few weeks while I was on a secondment to his department. The affair started after he stopped being my boss and we went on a course together and a drink afterwards and then I was in bed with him! I saw alot of him and he had lot of excuses for working late and didn't have to account for his time too much at home. About 8 months into the affair, when he was at my place, he made a phone call to his wife and said he would be home late and I think she said something about "was he alone". He said of course he was alone and she was a silly moo for thinking otherwise. He has had one affair before with a mw which he said he finished because he didn't love her. This is why it is strange--if he just wanted sex she would have been ideal, being married herself and not wanting to leave her marriage. He also said he got bored with her conversation! The book is published in the UK but I am sure you can get in on Amazon-it is excellent. It is called " A Guide to Surviving Life as a Mistress" by Heather King and Jodan Hayes. Published by Robert Hale of London. It has case histories including one where a woman has decided to be the OW pemanently, and now that she has come to terms with her decision she says she is happy, and there is no more struggling with her mm about him leaving. Obviously her mm is over the moon about it too!
pricillia Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 Thanks for sharing! Is there anyone else that you are possibly interested in?
Author overandout Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 No Pricillia, not at the moment. I might get myself a cat or something that's much less bother and is around the house all the time! I will start to go out with my friends more and am happy to be without a man for the time being. I don't feel the need to go out and get a bf and I don't think it would be fair until I have been away from mm for longer and get some of my confidence back.
puddleofmud Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 Welcome to the forum and hope you are doing well today and finding some information and advice that will help. As you well know and as so many others have stated: eleven years is a very long time. I don't know how old you are or if this began when you were very young, but practically speaking, eleven years could easily be one third of one's life! This is an very significant portion your life and especially if you haven't been having any other significant relationsips/ experiences with men! I could only venture to guess (and a hint from the situation you described about feeling unable to communicate w/ men who have merely flirted with you) is that you may have become emotionally "conditioned" to the treatment you have been receiving? As well, it is apparent that you have matured within the past eleven years or you wouldn't be having new perceptions about your relationship... You also stated that you are wary about leaving because you have a fear of "starting over". Fact is nothing has ever begun...you've been at square one; still treading water within a sexual liasion for a very long time! At some point treading water becomes exhaustive: either one swims or drowns. Manipulative, self-serving, abusive persons won't care if you drown... (honestly and from my personal point of view--I think some of these persons have no problem screwing, through their own creation, an emotionally vapid corpse) it is up to US to decide if we still have the strength to swim to the shore and walk into to land of the "living". Sounds as if you have the strength. But also via your past conditioning "breaking" with your past emotional bondage isn't going to be easy. There is nothing "he" could say or do to make you feel better so no need to seek that! Once you spend a little time on the shore of normal living you will find that YOU are the one with all the answers you need and that those answers were always within you--you just weren't paying attention. Emotionally engaging with what "HE thinks and HE feels" takes your attention away from what YOU think and YOU feel. This is why manipulators are soooooo damned good at getting their needs met: they instinctively know how to deflect and bring it all back to how THEY feel and what THEY want. And make YOU feel that it is YOUR job to meet their needs and never vice versa. "I", "I", "ME", "ME". Remember, even "I love you" starts with "I"! Try to refocus on how you would rather feel about being in a "we" romance! "What are WE going to do this weekend?" ,"Where are WE going on vacation?", "What are WE having for dinner", etc. Those who genuinally care about others do not isolate another for their own needs. Yes, somewhere out there in the land of the living there are those who seek to be "WE" as opposed to just "I". And, YOU, my friend are allowed to have that, via careful dating, fun filled sex, and one heck of a lot of romance and attention to your own heart-felt needs. Starting over seems a mystery--but you have had eleven years to figure out what you don't want--so take a few to experiment and figure out what you DO want. Give yourself over to the mystery of the future and give yourself the chance(s) you deserve to be whole and whole-hearted.
Author overandout Posted March 5, 2007 Author Posted March 5, 2007 Well, I woke up this morning and I didn't have that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach which I normally have. I had spent most of the weekend moping, until yesterday evening when I found this forum. I read this thread and then I went back over all the things that happened in the affair, including the good times. I could see the pattern clearly. The early period, when we did go out to restaurants and business trips and contact was frequent because we were both working for the same company. However every time I questioned about where the a was going or got very emotional, he would disappear for a while. If he was going to be away on vacation for a week, he would never tell me but just disappear and I wouldn't find out until I phoned his office and a colleague would tell me. If he thought I was making the running he would take back control. Like the time when I turned up at his office (to see someone else about work) and he did look flustered. I went to his desk and he felt obligated to make plans to see me. He said he would take the Friday afternoon off work and I should do the same and he said he would call me around lunchtime to arrange to meet up. So I waited and I waited and I waited and he never phoned. I found out that he had taken the afternoon off to go on holiday with his family because he had the following week off too. When he returned, he called me and said "what happened to you on the Friday, I was calling you" but I knew he was lieing. So I said well you must have been calling the wrong number. So he had made the arrangement because I was at his desk and this was his way of keeping the affair going! I should have walked then but I was in too deep. The next pattern is the periods of NC, but I think I was trying to make him miss me. It didn't work and when I resumed things with him, he was OK about it as long as it didn't interfere with is marriage. It was a honeymoon period after each period of NC was broken, as we were so pleased to see each other and had plenty of catching up to do. But it wasn't too long after the last period of NC that I began to feel very low and very used and that was also when he "couldn't gt away with it" so easily. So he starts curailing his time with me and I am in a downward spiral--yet I still hang on. All the previous times I thought well he might change his mind about leaving, I mean people can change. But lately, I can see that any hope of that has gone, and this is why I am feeling so down. The whole affair is now pointless and that is why I was beginning to resent him and I knew something had to change. This is why I would rather that he had sat me down and told me that he couldn't do this anymore. But no, that would be too easy and cowardly and then he thinks it might be nice for him to have me on a string for a while. He has never once thought what is best for ME. So there is no doubt that I will not be going back into this relationship if he ever contacts me again and I have let go. It is a long and hurtful journey to get to this point but it is worth it. Just wanted to share the above thoughts with you.
cbl Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 i am glad that you are feeling better. things can go really bad when one's alone and the negative emotions will keep eating one's heart away. this relationship of yours is full of manipulations. but the dymanic of an affair is so complicated and the temptations are sometimes so strong - that it sucks us back in even when we think that we are ready to walk away from the situation. and in fact the relationship could have done much more damage to us than we could possibly realize and it's like a vicious cycle that each time we go back we become weaker and weaker. one of the most important things for you is to understand that people make bad decisions when they are vulnerable. you have to forgive yourself for making bad choice in the past.... in order for you to move on. it's such a good start that you know where you are standing at this moment. then the next thing would be staying strong and standing firm on your plans.
Author overandout Posted March 7, 2007 Author Posted March 7, 2007 I saw him today at a bus stop as I was walking to the train station. I actually retraced my steps so that I went up a side street and he wouldn't see me. I did notice that he looked to have put on alot of weight which he had been doing in the last couple of months. Strange thing is that I have lost weight. Anyway, the point is that in happier times I would have waved at him and he would have beckoned me across. This time I did not have the inclination so I feel that is a positive step, albeit a small one. That is the first time that I have ever gone out of my way to avoid him.
woe_is_me Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 get two cats! lots of cat hair! that will keep him away Then..accidentally call his home!
GreenEyedLady Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 I saw him today at a bus stop as I was walking to the train station. I actually retraced my steps so that I went up a side street and he wouldn't see me. I did notice that he looked to have put on alot of weight which he had been doing in the last couple of months. Strange thing is that I have lost weight. Anyway, the point is that in happier times I would have waved at him and he would have beckoned me across. This time I did not have the inclination so I feel that is a positive step, albeit a small one. That is the first time that I have ever gone out of my way to avoid him. I think that you did the right thing...You have to think of yourself now...
raye522 Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 I am too in a relationship with someone that is expecting me to be available when it works for him. I hear from him every day, but I only get to spend about 18 hours twice a month with him. He says he is unhappy and loves being around me, but has things to work out. I don't feel like he is working out anything. I want to be with him, but I am tired of feeling sleezy. How have you last as long as you have? This is torture
Author overandout Posted March 12, 2007 Author Posted March 12, 2007 I am too in a relationship with someone that is expecting me to be available when it works for him. I hear from him every day, but I only get to spend about 18 hours twice a month with him. He says he is unhappy and loves being around me, but has things to work out. I don't feel like he is working out anything. I want to be with him, but I am tired of feeling sleezy. How have you last as long as you have? This is torture Raye522, read my thread and read it again and again, and promise me that you won't ever be in my position. OK I brought it on myself, but I stayed in it for so long because I thought that he would decide to be with me--simple as that. I thought one day he would wake up and think that he wanted to be with me all the time. The same way that he woke up shortly after he was married and decided that he had nothing in common with his wife--according to him. I guess I saw him once a fortnight towards the end--always during the day--for about 6 or 7 hours a time but clearly he was feeling the pressure of even doing that. He used to say he would see me once a week but very rarely did he deliver on this. It was all said just to keep me sweet. Then when I really did wake up and smell the coffee, the triangle fell apart. I resent that fact that he did not even have the decency to tell me and it is this which left me feeling so empty. But enough is enough and I am out for good with absolutely no desire to ever see him again. You must do what you have to do, but the weeks turn into months and then into years, when you could easily be doing something constructive with your life, instead of propping and spicing up a coward's dull marriage.
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