Feeling So Down

[overandout]

Hi,

I have just registered after reading through the forum and finding it useful.

 

Ok here goes. I have somehow been in an A with mm for 11 years. Yes, how time flies when you are having fun! We have talked about him leaving but he just doesn't seem able to do it. Panic mode sets in and then he withdraws from me for a while but he always comes back.

 

We have had several periods of NC but we find that we are missing each other and always start up again--all of the NC have been iniated by me and all, apart from one, have been broken by me.

I read a book on deciding to be a long term OW (I think I am already) and it is not what I want any longer.

He has never phoned me every day and sometimes a whole week goes by with no contact. I feel that the longer it goes on, the more he is taking me for granted. I can't remember the last time we went out anywhere. Usually I pick him up and then we come back to my house and then I drop him off near his house.

It feels like he knows that I can't seem to break up with him, so he really is making it crystal clear that he is coming round for sex which happens every single time. He told me years ago that he wasn't in it for the sex. However recently I told him that it felt like he was seeing me for just one thing and he made a joke of it and said "actually it's two things".

 

About 8 months after we started the A at work (he has now left) he withdrew from me and just when I thought it was over, he came to my desk and said he thought he was falling in love with me but there was no future in it. There was no one else around at the time and I was shocked and annoyed, Why tell me those 2 conflicting things? Then he added "well we're not very much in love are we?". Instead of walking away, I chose to stay and I thought, well maybe he will fall deeply in love with me and so we have continued, apart from the NC periods.

 

But why is it that every time I feel I should walk away, I have a terrible sinking feeling in my stomach. Yet when I stay in the A I get so despondent too and there really is no excuse for him phoning me so infrequently. A while back I told him I wanted more communication and he called me and said "Well I am phoning you just as you asked and then proceeded to talk about himself!". I want him to phone because he wants to phone--there is a difference.

 

Just before I go on holiday he will want to see me 3 times during that week and when I return he is on the phone at night saying that he wants to see me the next couple of days and can I get time off work. He is so selfish because I have just come back from holday and he is asking me to take more time off work to suit his needs. He said to me that I should go into the office late and he will pop round for 3 or 4 hours as he is on his way up into town.

 

Well lately he phoned me and told me that he had been to 3 concerts during the week and how he had a nice time, and that he is seeing his one and only friend the next day. He didn't offer to meet up with me. Now why is he telling me this on the phone, because he obviously went to the concerts with his wife--do I want to know? Is he telling me this to try and get a reaction out of me (like me asking him to meet up) or is he trying to withdraw from me, or is he just a selfish bas--rd who doesn't stop to think what he is saying and is just full of himself.

 

I have never felt so low as I am today. Once before when he came round he said that he would talk to me the next week and listen to me, but instead he went sick all week from work. So I just figured that he doesn't want to discuss our relationship but I do not like it when he doesn't stick to his word.

What is going on here?

[movinon05]

Welcome to the forum.

 

I have been in a similar situation as you. I was with MM for 7 yrs. Although it was different because he promised he would leave his W and he never did.

 

However, let me ask you. Are you single? Do you have children?

 

After 11 years and him telling you that he won't leave his W, why are you hanging on? Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Are you enjoying your life? You have fleeting moments of sex with him and then what?

 

It really shouldn't matter what is going on in his head or trying to decipher him. You know he's not leaving. You don't have a true relationship. You need to want more for yourself. And you're actually letting him treat you this way. If you don't have children, do you want children?

 

I know the feeling when you try to end it. Did it many times. But you have to know that it is possible to move on from this and be happy. I can vouch for that. Its when you start thinking more about you and less about him that you will realize you deserve more.

 

I thought 7 yrs was long! But that was also based on his empty promises. Ask yourself, what is in this for YOU?

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Hi,

I have just registered after reading through the forum and finding it useful.

 

You'll find some very good advice and experiences on this site - it's been an invaluable resource for me whilst going through a situation with my MM where I felt lost and alone

 

Ok here goes. I have somehow been in an A with mm for 11 years. Yes, how time flies when you are having fun! We have talked about him leaving but he just doesn't seem able to do it. Panic mode sets in and then he withdraws from me for a while but he always comes back.

 

11 years? I've been with my MM for just over a year and although I have had some amazing experiences with him, it has been one of the most heartwrenching experiences that I have ever had. Going through that for 11 years? I dont think I could do it...

 

I read a book on deciding to be a long term OW (I think I am already) and it is not what I want any longer.

 

I dont think you need a book to tell you that. After 11 years of being completely used by your MM, who sounds particularly cold and controlling, I think you just have to look at how you are feeling to decide that it's not what you want any longer. No book needs to tell you that.

 

He has never phoned me every day and sometimes a whole week goes by with no contact. I feel that the longer it goes on, the more he is taking me for granted. I can't remember the last time we went out anywhere. Usually I pick him up and then we come back to my house and then I drop him off near his house.

It feels like he knows that I can't seem to break up with him, so he really is making it crystal clear that he is coming round for sex which happens every single time. He told me years ago that he wasn't in it for the sex. However recently I told him that it felt like he was seeing me for just one thing and he made a joke of it and said "actually it's two things".

 

What a piece of work! The fact he is using you so obviously, it must make you feel so low and used after he has visited, had his fun and then left you waiting for the next time. Sustaining this is madness. My MM is separated now and is in the process of filing for divorce. He has contacted me everyday, and I told him that the A was transient for me - that he decided what he wanted to do and ended the M and we could be together or that he worked on his M. I gave him a time limit on this and I would never back down.

 

About 8 months after we started the A at work (he has now left) he withdrew from me and just when I thought it was over, he came to my desk and said he thought he was falling in love with me but there was no future in it. There was no one else around at the time and I was shocked and annoyed, Why tell me those 2 conflicting things? Then he added "well we're not very much in love are we?". Instead of walking away, I chose to stay and I thought, well maybe he will fall deeply in love with me and so we have continued, apart from the NC periods.

 

Why tell you two conflicting things? It was an easy vehicle to get back into your bed. Saying "I love you" means nothing from a MM if it is not backed up by actions. Where were the actions that showed you that he loved you? And why would you think such a man would fall deeply in love with you if he has already stated that he wasn't very much in love at all?

 

But why is it that every time I feel I should walk away, I have a terrible sinking feeling in my stomach. Yet when I stay in the A I get so despondent too and there really is no excuse for him phoning me so infrequently. A while back I told him I wanted more communication and he called me and said "Well I am phoning you just as you asked and then proceeded to talk about himself!". I want him to phone because he wants to phone--there is a difference.

 

Why? Because for 11 years you have become used to this situation. Your needs have become conditioned to his terrible treatment of you. And you have allowed this treatment. You are the master of your own destiny. You decide how he treats you by accepting his behaviour.

 

Just before I go on holiday he will want to see me 3 times during that week and when I return he is on the phone at night saying that he wants to see me the next couple of days and can I get time off work. He is so selfish because I have just come back from holday and he is asking me to take more time off work to suit his needs. He said to me that I should go into the office late and he will pop round for 3 or 4 hours as he is on his way up into town.

 

You have a say in this matter! You have a say in your own life! Why would you allow him so much control over you? Why take time off work to satisfy his needs? What about YOUR needs? And I'm not talking about sexual needs. What about the needs you have to be respected as a person, to have emotional stability in a relationship? To love and be loved?

 

Well lately he phoned me and told me that he had been to 3 concerts during the week and how he had a nice time, and that he is seeing his one and only friend the next day. He didn't offer to meet up with me. Now why is he telling me this on the phone, because he obviously went to the concerts with his wife--do I want to know? Is he telling me this to try and get a reaction out of me (like me asking him to meet up) or is he trying to withdraw from me, or is he just a selfish bas--rd who doesn't stop to think what he is saying and is just full of himself.

 

He's telling you because you've accepted everything else...why wouldn't you accept this? You mean nothing to him apart from an escape from his reality to get guaranteed sex. He doesn't even have to get a taxi to your place - you pick him up and do everything for him! Why respect you if you allow him to treat you this way? He doesn't need to put any work in with you...he is already getting the best of both worlds, and you have made it amazingly easy for him to do this.

 

I have never felt so low as I am today. Once before when he came round he said that he would talk to me the next week and listen to me, but instead he went sick all week from work. So I just figured that he doesn't want to discuss our relationship but I do not like it when he doesn't stick to his word.

What is going on here?

 

Do you honestly think he cares about what you want in all of this?

 

I'm really sorry for how low you feel. But you need to take responsibility for the situation you are in, as all OW do. Being the OW is a demanding, draining and potentially destroying role. IMO there has to be a reason why I would be in this situation. The reason I am in it as I truly believe I met the love of my life. I truly believe his M was over before I met him. And I truly believe that the lies I've lived with, the awful position he put his family in by lying to them, the judgements I've received, the fact I've put my life on the back-burner - nearly ended up destroying us and only with the fact that he treat me with respect, he listened to how I was feeling, and he knew I would not stick around for him to make a decision, was I able to stay in the relationship.

 

I can't see where the love is in this relationship? You dont mention it. He certainly hasn't. What are your reasons for being with him, honestly. Do you think he will eventually fall in love with you and leave his M. is that what you are hoping for?

[kymberann]

This is heart wrenching! I am glad you came to the forum to get dome feedback!

So you have been with this MM for 11 years, do you want to continue to keep on goin as you have? I hate to say it but it will be difficult to "change" most of MM behaviors as the patterns in the R have been going on for quit some time. Why should he have any reason to change any way?

 

From what you have written, it really sounds as if MM is stringing you along, keeping you as an aside, whether he is falling in love with you or not. It really looks as if it is all about him as well. Has he stated his intentions of leaving the W for you or what he wants in the R with you? Is this something you want to continue to do?

I know the next while will be hard for you, but it sounds like you really want to change something in this A, or you would not have wanted to find this place (or any place) and post your story. THat alone takes strength to look at any R, but especially MM/OW R's. SO hang in there. lots of us will be around for the support you need!

Best!

[cbl]

Hi.... 11 years is a long time. it's so long that you probably have forgotten how it's like to be in a real relationship.... hope i am wrong about it. in a real relationship he takes YOU out to the concert 3 times in a week; he supports you financially to be entitled to ask you take some time off from work to be with him; he holds you every night in your bed until you fall asleep; he takes you out and does nice things for you just because you treat him the same; he will always be emotionally available for you when you feel low; you two plan your futures together, in 11 years, buy a home together, settle down, and make efforts to reach goals you both commit to.

 

even if you are independent enough, or even plan to stay single for the rest of your life, and if you choose to stay in this relationship out of your own choice (like i did with my first xMM of 6 years and the second one of 6 months), it is NOT healthy to stay in a relationship like this. it's constant rejection and always emotionally draining. i have to admit that for a while i was addicted to the drama created by this kind of relationship (i was pretty lonely at that time when i just started my own business alone) and xMM was the only person i could hang on to at that time. but later i realized how much negative impacts this affair has brought into my life.... i picked on small things; i became verbally abusive and emotionally unstable; and i started to doubt myself - why was my life less important than his wife? she was the one who doesn't have to work as he supports her financially; she did not satisfy him emotionally and physically (as stated by xMM); and why did i always have to be available to him, WHEN his wife was NOT available? and what about my needs?

 

then i learned to be selfish. if i don't look after myself then no one would. and honey you need to do that too. sometimes being too considerate.... just give others a chance to take advantage of you.... and that is not love.

[pricillia]

Over and Out,

 

Wow 11 years.. this is enough to nock someone down a few pegs...

 

I am trying to get some clarity in my relationship as well...

 

From what you have said he is taking advantage of you, Take time for you to go out and have fun and try to slowly distance yourself from him.

 

11 years is a long time for a one sided relationship.

 

Also you said that he mentioned the two reasons why he is with you... what are the two reasons?

[overandout]

Over and Out,

 

Also you said that he mentioned the two reasons why he is with you... what are the two reasons?

 

He never said; he made a joke of it and laughed.

 

Thanks for all the comments. I am single and do not want childen so biological clock isn't the problem--someone asked me that earlier on.

 

Do you think he gets some sort of sadistic pleasure out of playing with my emotions or is he hoping to drive me into finishing it, so he doesn't feel guilt? He doesn't control much in his life (can't drive a car so is reliant on wife to take him places); he took early retirement and does nothing all day and wife still works full time.

 

Maybe I am the only thing he can control. I can tell you that listening to all your advice has really strenghened my resolve to finish it for good and then he can go and find someone else to control. It is so hard after 11 years to move on even though the relationship is unhealthy.

[whichwayisup]

Get yourself to a therapist to help you get strong enough so you can leave this MM.

[pricillia]

He never said; he made a joke of it and laughed.

 

Thanks for all the comments. I am single and do not want childen so biological clock isn't the problem--someone asked me that earlier on.

 

Do you think he gets some sort of sadistic pleasure out of playing with my emotions or is he hoping to drive me into finishing it, so he doesn't feel guilt? He doesn't control much in his life (can't drive a car so is reliant on wife to take him places); he took early retirement and does nothing all day and wife still works full time.

 

Maybe I am the only thing he can control. I can tell you that listening to all your advice has really strenghened my resolve to finish it for good and then he can go and find someone else to control. It is so hard after 11 years to move on even though the relationship is unhealthy.

 

 

 

Ha he never said? I would be curious to ask him what he meant by that?

 

But ask him through conversation ( fun conversation) and slip it in so he has no choice but to answer!

[GreenEyedLady]

OAO: What is keeping you in this R? It has to be more than just "love"...He treats you very badly to have been with you for so long, and what's sadder is that you are putting up with it...Most LTA partners talk to each other at least daily...

 

I am surprised that it is taking 11 years before you are finally asking the questions that you are...Has something changed in the R or are you finally strong enough to end it? And are you here for support in the A or support to end it? This information will help others give you advice appropriate to your wants...

 

Just reading your post, your MM is extrememly selfish and insensitive...my advice is walk away...

[Jinxx]

Eleven years is too long of time. Have you dated other men through out these years? He has you exactly where he wants you. Your deserve so much better.

[overandout]

Hi GEL , I need to walk away from this. I certainly don't want it to continue because it seems the longer it goes on, the worse his treatment becomes. It is almost like he despises me and then I despise myself.

 

I used to be confident, happy go lucky, but just recently I have been turning down social invitations because I am so wrapped up in this affair.

I keep analysing what he has said and should I have said or done something differently, but what good would that do.

 

I used to really look forward to seeing him but lately I haven't, because his behaviour has made me feel so cheap.

So yes I know I want out and am looking for support. It feels like a bereavement and I must make the decision and stick to it and then it will become easier. If I remain in this I am subjecting myself to emotional abuse and I have been asking myself recently "what the hell I am doing here?"

[overandout]

Eleven years is too long of time. Have you dated other men through out these years? He has you exactly where he wants you. Your deserve so much better.

 

 

No, I have never looked at another man in 11 years.

 

The funny thing is that last year I went to Florida with my parents. I was in the sea and a man came up and introduced himself as being from New Mexico and that he was on vacation. He was really nice and I found myself feeling awkward because I was chatting to him. Nothing would have come of it because I was flying back to the UK the next day but it still felt strange and I curtailed the conversation politely.

My mother had been watching me and she said "why were you so standoffish with him, you'll never get a partner with that attitude".

Funny how "mums" are always right, and no she doesn't know about mm and I hate not being able to tell her because I love her .

[GreenEyedLady]

Well, then we're here to support you as you get out of this...I just recently left mine, so I know how hard and heartwrenching it is...but it gets better and you start to feel better, although that happens for some faster than others...

 

What's keeping you from having broken up with him already?

[overandout]

GEL, I think it is the fear of having to start all over again, and I really was in love wih him though his recent behaviour has been a turn off and it does concern me. But I make excuses for him, just thinking that he is in turmoil--of course he may not be.

I wonder what he would be like if he did leave--I don't think he could cope with the turmoil and he has said his kids are more important than me and he doesn't want to lose their respect. He has very little self esteem himself, but he has a huge ego and is starved of attention/affection at home.

So the fear/challenge of having to start all over again. I live alone and am not scared of that and to be honest I am 98% alone in this affair anyway.

Plus of course the rejection and that I wasn't good enough for him.

[Jinxx]

No, I have never looked at another man in 11 years.

 

 

You are missing out on one lifes most greatest gifts. Time to be good to yourself and meet someone that can be 100% yours. Life is too short to live the way you have been for the last eleven years.

[overandout]

GEL, how did you end your affair--I can't seem to find your thread on it.

You seem to be very stong about it.

[GreenEyedLady]

GEL, how did you end your affair--I can't seem to find your thread on it.

You seem to be very stong about it.

 

I never wrote a thread about it...I just ended it...I told him that if he couldn't be just mine, I couldn't be with him anymore...and it was the hardest thing that I ever did because I loved him with all my heart and I KNEW that he loved me too...

 

But I was lied to about his marital status in the first place and didn't go into it thinking it was an A...so when I finally found out, I chose to stay...but I never wanted to be in an A, and it just took it's toll on me...and I want to be happy in life and the only way that could be was to have him be 100% mine or 0%...because I want what I deserve...and I know that I can get it...

[overandout]

So when you ended it, presumably in person, did it come out of the blue for him. Had you flagged up that you needed to talk to him or given him any indication of how you were feeling?

 

My mm doesn't like "talks".

[GreenEyedLady]

As for being strong about it, the first week is the WORST...it's the time when you're most likely to go back...I'm past that now and I don't have to see him...or that would probably make it more difficult too...

 

And I did go back within the first week...he kept text messaging me and torturing me...and so we got back together and within 3 weeks I broke it off again...i didn't see him making any changes or progress toward leaving and rather that he LIKED it the way it was...and I DID NOT LIKE the way it was...

 

So, I just realized that being with him wasn't that much different from being without him and that gave me the strength to end it...that and alot of support from my friends at LS...

[GreenEyedLady]

So when you ended it, presumably in person, did it come out of the blue for him. Had you flagged up that you needed to talk to him or given him any indication of how you were feeling?

 

My mm doesn't like "talks".

 

I did not end it in person (phone)...and he knew that I was unhappy with the situation and he knew that I deserved more...We always communicated our feelings to each other, that was never a problem...

 

It was just time for me to get more or end it...and he knew it...

[overandout]

Well you know that you are better off out of it than in it.

Would it be true to say that you hope he will change and leave now that you have walked away and said enough is enough?

 

My problem is that part of me would like mm to know exactly what he has done to me (I know I have allowed him to), but another part of me thinks that he would just wallow in that, and why should I give him the satisfaction. I may only feel worse after raking up all the hurt again.

I have always thought finishing it over the phone is a coward's way out but I'm going to be selfish here and if that works for me then so be it.

Also meeting up in person will give him a chance to sweet talk me around, although I don't think I would fall for it.

 

Anyway the longer he leaves it to contact me, the easier it will become, because in my mind it is over. He will not want to hear the words though.

[overandout]

GEL, how funny that you decided to end it over the phone, after my last post! Great minds think alike.

[GreenEyedLady]

GEL, how funny that you decided to end it over the phone, after my last post! Great minds think alike.

 

Mine was really a matter of logistics...once I make up my mind, I have to take action pronto...I did not want to have to wait until I was going to see him next, and have it weigh on my mind...

 

As for whether I think he will leave since I walked away, I think that he will eventually leave his M...but for HIS reasons...I never wanted to be the reason a M ends anyways...

 

But I think that if we are meant to be together, it will happen...under the right circumstances...

 

So I am going on with my life and LIVING...I have two beautiful children and a career that I love and that is fulfilling...and I don't need a man to make my life any better...I just want a man to share it with...

[GreenEyedLady]

My problem is that part of me would like mm to know exactly what he has done to me (I know I have allowed him to), but another part of me thinks that he would just wallow in that, and why should I give him the satisfaction. I may only feel worse after raking up all the hurt again. I have always thought finishing it over the phone is a coward's way out but I'm going to be selfish here and if that works for me then so be it. Also meeting up in person will give him a chance to sweet talk me around, although I don't think I would fall for it. Anyway the longer he leaves it to contact me, the easier it will become, because in my mind it is over. He will not want to hear the words though.

 

If your MM is really as selfish as he sounds, he probably will never understand what his treatment has done to you...

 

If you do it in person, you will probably end up having sex and he really doesn't deserve that and it will make it harder on you...

 

He won't want to hear the words, but he expects to hear them at some point...

 

Good luck! I know it's hard...on paper it seems easy and logical, but in reality, it cuts deeper than the sharpest sword...it is devastating and painfully real...but it does get better...