luvstarved Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 OK so many of you know me, wrassling with my partner's lack of physical interest in me...sexless then just kind of routine impersonal sex...I am analyzing this all to death and have come to some conclusions but still looking at some of the angles. Topic du jour: I'd like to hear from guys who do NOT like to engage in discussions about your sex life with your partner, and try to understand why...and women who may also have been through this and come to some theory or conclusion. I have been kind of withdrawn from H lately due to these circumstances, partly feeling bad about myself for his lack of interest, partly being distant because I don't want to act all happy and then be made a fool of by more rejection... He really nailed me for it the other night. Said he could not live with my moodiness, etc. That morning we had attempted to have sex but it was the usual watching him masturbate until he was ready and then sticking it in - something I have come to think of as the "inflatable doll scenario". Well, we were interrupted by our 8 year old and that was that, but it did send me into another funk. Anyway, I came right out with it when he questioned my funk and general emotional stability and said that SEX is THE big issue with me. But after some minor amount of discussion it dawned on me that it is not at all the physical act that bothers me...besides what I had already figured out - that it was the lack of feeling desired, etc - it really finally hit me that what bugs me the most is that he is so unwilling to TALK about it. It is a subject that he avoids like the plague. So I brought that up and insisted we try to talk about it. He again tried to deflect, and I tried to persevere. He did ask me what it was that I wanted and I talked about how I wanted us to be able to take our time at first and not be so rushed, etc. and he said but how do we make that happen? I said that he seems to make everything else happen that he wants to happen so clearly this is not a priority with him. Anyway...as an aside, I also talked with my brother when I visited family last week. He more or less said that guys don't like to talk, they just like to do, they typically don't care about romance beyond what it takes to please a woman, if that, and once they're done, they're done and they mentally move on. None of this is earth shattering news to me. But if I want to talk about something ELSE my husband isn't really interested in discussing, I have greater success. It is the DEGREE to which he AVOIDS the subject that has me perplexed. Here are some of the highlights of his remarks. I'd like any comments anyone might have. Let me first say that I do have my H pegged as sexually selfish and content to masturbate and that he has a general methodology of trying to turn away from any subject that he might perceive as containing criticism of him. My goal is to just get him to acknowledge my needs and work toward participating in meeting them. Really, my goal is for us to be able to improve our sex life by getting to know each other better in this realm. How we got through 10 years of marriage without going through that is a good question that I don't have the answer to. On to the highlights Me "I mentioned to you once about Kegels and what your thoughts were on how they might enhance our sex life and you just didn't want to hear it" Him "I don't care about all this technical stuff, I am a simple meat and potatoes guy" Me "I understand that you are who you are, and like the simple take care of yourself approach and I am not being judgmental about that REALLY, only insofar as it affects the marital bliss" Him "I have been with many women before you and we never had to "discuss sex", so WTF" Me "I would like us to have more time to just chill together before and after instead of this 10 minute morning window that may or may not be taken advantage of" Him "Yes I would like if we could just hang out and read books together" Him "I think everything is fine and I don't understand what it is you want from me" He also kind of made a point of defending his very light use of porn and masturbation (like "don't tell me you've never done it"). There was some implication of guilt or perception that I was dissing him for these behaviors IN GENERAL, when I have stated very clearly MULTIPLE times that I don't have any problem with these behaviors beyond how they detract from OUR sex life. People have given me many comments before, many to the effect that he is "just not into" me. That doesn't exactly ring true. Because it isn't as though he is into some other woman besides me. Yeah he glances if impressive silicon invades his view, but he does not ogle and he does not look at porn - now not at all - but never to excess. Finally I told him that the real problem is that after 10 friggin years of marriage, I did not truly understand his sexuality and he did not really understand mine. His response was " I DON'T????" Yes he does know how to make me come technically, but he does not know how to make love to me. But I guess the base question is, is a mutually satisfying sex life just a topic that guys want nothing to do with? When I think of all this I see these possibilities (having through analysis ruled out a few others) 1) he does not want to talk about it because he is afraid that I want elaborate sexual behaviors that do not interest him 2) He does not want to talk about it for fear that it will involve some criticism of his "performance" which he simply can't handle 3) He does not want to talk about it because he has some independent guilt over behaviors that I have made clear I thought were normal (masturbating, looking at porn) 4) He does not want to talk about it because he thinks that I am a lousy lover and doesn't want to have to come out and say so (even though I am pretty sure this is not true, and have given him many opportunities to say so - he always says, "believe me - it's not you") 5) He has something BIG to hide about himself sexually - his preference for masturbation makes him feel guilty/perverse, he has a thing for his mother, he can't bringhimself to admit that after 10 years I just don't thrill him as I used to, what??? WHAT???) Any thoughts are appreciated
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