Author pricillia Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 So peace all, I am going to go talk to him shortly.. wish me luck and strength I will update you tomorow.
cbl Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 I just do... I care about the relationship that he has with his son, that is an important relationship to consider, I know just how much they need eachother so If I did tell this could ruin that structure that I know his son needs... How could I do that? That is where the why comes in... why would I tell? Now when we talk tonight, and when we both agree to end it, and if he would contact me again to start it up... then should I tell? But I know that he would not start it up again.. i was in a rush to go out for a family gathering thought i should come back and make it clear when i was showering i mean, if you decide to tell his wife, then it's your MM/BW joint decision as to why, how, or when to tell their son; or not to tell.... after all it comes down to what his son is surrounded and as OW we don't know everything about it. it is my belief, that a couple should discuss before this sort of information being told to the kids. IMO, if the kid is small and they've even decided to work on their marriage, there's no need to even tell him. he would then have a chance to grow up in a even healthier family. but i can related to how you feel. you are a very thoughtful person and that's probably what puts you into this situation. as for your meeting tonight.... i think if he comes back to you again after you both agree to end it, you should tell his wife... and you have to let him know tonight what will happen if he comes back. in case you still decide to improve your relationship (this is neither to my preference for your situation; nor am i encouraging the conduct of affairs) please make sure that you should be treated fairly and ask what you deserve. i do see a sign of him making excuses to make the situation worse between you two. maybe just an action of him to get back to you on the phone thing.... take care sweetie. you are too nice of a girl to be treated like this.
whichwayisup Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 I said this on AP and FF's thread...Telling his wife never was a thought in your head when the affair was good. Just seems since things haven't been going well, and him treating you like crap - The thoughts of wanting to tell her has crept in your head. If you tell her, what do you expect to happen? Are you going to tell her so he'll for sure choose between you and his wife, or is it really just to let HER know what a pig-a-hole her hubby is? If you tell, be prepared for the fallout of your choice...You may regret it the minute the words are out of your mouth, and you cannot take it back once you spill it. I guess my point is, will you be better off? Happy that she knows? What purpose does it really serve? If you want out, work on yourself, get into therapy and gain the strength so you CAN stand up to him and say goodbye, slam the door and never look back. IF you want to continue being the OW in his life, then telling isn't going to do you any good either way. Your MM is selfish, he's an a-hole and continues to treat you like crap. He knows he can get away with it because you keep on coming back for more. So, why should he end it with you when you continue to meet his needs? Think about it from an outsider look in.....What would YOU tell your bestfriend if she were in your situation....
Author pricillia Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 I said this on AP and FF's thread...Telling his wife never was a thought in your head when the affair was good. Just seems since things haven't been going well, and him treating you like crap - The thoughts of wanting to tell her has crept in your head. If you tell her, what do you expect to happen? Are you going to tell her so he'll for sure choose between you and his wife, or is it really just to let HER know what a pig-a-hole her hubby is? If you tell, be prepared for the fallout of your choice...You may regret it the minute the words are out of your mouth, and you cannot take it back once you spill it. I guess my point is, will you be better off? Happy that she knows? What purpose does it really serve? If you want out, work on yourself, get into therapy and gain the strength so you CAN stand up to him and say goodbye, slam the door and never look back. IF you want to continue being the OW in his life, then telling isn't going to do you any good either way. Your MM is selfish, he's an a-hole and continues to treat you like crap. He knows he can get away with it because you keep on coming back for more. So, why should he end it with you when you continue to meet his needs? Think about it from an outsider look in.....What would YOU tell your bestfriend if she were in your situation.... True I think about telling because he is being a A-hole toward me I am coming to the realization that I do not deserve to be treated like this... he says that I take out my frustration on him, but I just react to him when he is just too much for me to handle.. I don't take out my frustrations on him. He said to me the other day that he is unhappy everyday and that he never takes his problems out on me.. I said to myself yeah right... that is why you hang up on me when I do not call you back. Therapy is scheduled to start this Tuesday!
whichwayisup Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 True I think about telling because he is being a A-hole toward me I am coming to the realization that I do not deserve to be treated like this... He will continue to be an a-hole to you unless YOU end it and walk away. You don't have to tell his wife for those reasons you listed above. She's married to him, I'm sure he hasn't treated her perfectly either. I hate to say this, but he has treated you like crap because he can get away with it...You go back to him, so why should he change his behaviour? See my point? And ofcourse he isn't going to tell you "yeah I am an a-hole and I treat you poorly." He probably is still caught up in the fantasy of an affair, only wanting the 'good stuff' not the bad stuff, the 'reality relationship'...He wants you to be there for him for an escape - He has a wife at home - the good, bad and ugly...Maybe in his mind he doesn't wanna have to deal with that stuff with you as well...He wants it as easy as possible. He is unhappy, so what. He can change and DO something to better his life, instead of choosing to stay in a marriage that he tells you he's unhappy in...he doens't have to cheat on his wife and his family, betray them all. Those are HIS choices... He's a big boy and can take of himself. I am glad that you're going to therapy. Good luck on Tuesday!
YoMomma Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 I just do... I care about the relationship that he has with his son, that is an important relationship to consider, I know just how much they need eachother so If I did tell this could ruin that structure that I know his son needs... How could I do that? That is where the why comes in... why would I tell? Now when we talk tonight, and when we both agree to end it, and if he would contact me again to start it up... then should I tell? But I know that he would not start it up again.. So what you are saying is IF he wants to continue to treat you like crap and continue sleeping with you then you won't end the affair? You do not need him to agree to end it - YOU need to do it for yourself! The decision to tell his wife has nothing to do with the both of you agreeing to end it... at all! Are you going to tell him that you will tell his wife when it's over? You can guaruntee he will not start it up again once his wife finds out - your affair will be over. Again, he relationship with his son has NOTHING to do with you. Good luck on Tuesday!!!!
Author pricillia Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 He will continue to be an a-hole to you unless YOU end it and walk away. You don't have to tell his wife for those reasons you listed above. She's married to him, I'm sure he hasn't treated her perfectly either. I hate to say this, but he has treated you like crap because he can get away with it...You go back to him, so why should he change his behaviour? See my point? And ofcourse he isn't going to tell you "yeah I am an a-hole and I treat you poorly." He probably is still caught up in the fantasy of an affair, only wanting the 'good stuff' not the bad stuff, the 'reality relationship'...He wants you to be there for him for an escape - He has a wife at home - the good, bad and ugly...Maybe in his mind he doesn't wanna have to deal with that stuff with you as well...He wants it as easy as possible. He is unhappy, so what. He can change and DO something to better his life, instead of choosing to stay in a marriage that he tells you he's unhappy in...he doens't have to cheat on his wife and his family, betray them all. Those are HIS choices... He's a big boy and can take of himself. I am glad that you're going to therapy. Good luck on Tuesday! Yes I think he wants me to be there for him as an escape, last night he said that he did not want to have any drama, the funny thing is I never ever ask him for help with anything, I try to be as independent as possible. So last night I did not pounce on him, I waited for him to start talking, that took about 20 minutes! He told me that I push him away, and that he hates drama. He said that when he has things going on in his life that he is unhappy about he needs his space. This is the example he gave to me: There was one Friday night that we went out and we had a fight, I did not like the way he had been treating me and I left upset. I decided that I was not going to call him and had no desire to do so. He called me all weekend and I told him that I had a lot on my mind, he took an emotional step back from me but still called me to check up on me all weekend... ie I did make an effort to call him, the reason why he called me was because he knew he was wrong. Even though I did not call him we still talked and I was still available to him reguardless. He brought this up as an example and he said that he was understanding with me and I should be the same way with him. Again stressing that when he has so much on his mind he needs his space... Well I am an independant girl so I could understand this. After listening to him, I told him well... If you need your space to figure out what you need to figure out then I will give you the time that you need, I can do that for you... Well you know, that made him so mad, he then said that I was not listening to him, when that is what he just said???????? At that moment I now understand why Men are from mars and Women are from Venus... LOL After he got mad I said that is what you just said to me??? So then there was silence... I then told him what bugs me more then anything in this whole thing is his constant mistrust of me in regurards to him thinking that I am out there paling it up with the opposite gender bedding them ect ect ect... If I don't call him back until the next day he assumes I am doing just that. I told him that when he does that it infuriates me because none of it is true and for me that is what pushes me away from him... He could not say a word and did not. We did not argue, which was nice(I hate drama too) But there was one time he looked at me and sighed and said something like, I wish I could do what I wanted to do...I asked him what do you want, what will make you happy and he could not answer. I did tell him that in any relationship it takes two people to make it work and what happens between us is the result of both of us and is not the fault of one person... Then he opened up about other personal things and we had a good conversation... So what has been resolved... Just some communication, but I still know that I need to focus hard on just taking care of me and having fun with things and enjoying life, all they way not expecting anything of substance from him... I do not mean material... I would like a healthy attachment with him, however it is all up to him. He said that the next time that there is drama then it will be the end...So WWIU you are so right about him, you could not be more right! There were so many other things that I wanted to say to him but held back because I did not see the purpose of telling him certian things. And as you said he is a big boy and yes he choses to stay in this marriage even though he is unhappy... He then said something like what will be will be... But he did talk about wanting to better himself in reguard to work ect ect... He is very talented and I think although he has a bit of an ego... he can do so much more, in the same field ofcorse. He said he loves what he does but wants more. It was nice for him to open up a little bit more, and of course I encourage and support him. But I want that in return without the stigma of being in this kind of relationship.
Author pricillia Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 Also when I asked him how he was doing he said.. I am alive...
sb129 Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 P- your situation sounds scarily like what my R with exMM was like. He was possessive, jealous and mistrusting, and it was hard to figure out because HE was the one doing mostof the lying and having an affair! It just becamse more and more toxic. I don't think we ever had a chance. After the thrill and illicitness of the chase wore off I was trapped in an emotionally draining R. Leaving was one of the best things I have ever done. HUGE weight off my mind.
sb129 Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 "the next time there is a big drama it will end??" Do yourself a favour and get out while you still can. HE is still holding your puppet strings by saying that P. Ditch him, he is no good for you.
Author pricillia Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 "the next time there is a big drama it will end??" Do yourself a favour and get out while you still can. HE is still holding your puppet strings by saying that P. Ditch him, he is no good for you. Yes and when he said that I should give him his space... I said ok I will give you the time to do what you need to do and work things out in your head... He did not like that
Art_Critic Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 So tonight guys I am going to end this affair with him What happened to this part ????
Author pricillia Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 What happened to this part ???? Good Question AC... For me when I go to therapy on Tuesday, this will begin the process. I don't feel like he deserves me in the way he had me before.
Art_Critic Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 I don't feel like he deserves me in the way he had me before. more importantly is that you deserve better than he is willing to give you
sb129 Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 Yeah- good point AC. P- i said it last night, i said it in PMs, I say it today I will say it tomorrow YOU ARE WASTING YOUR LIFE WITH THIS MAN. He will never fully commit to you, but if you stay with him he will continue to bully and manipulate you into playing his games HIS WAY. He has indicated he doesn't like drama- RED FLAG!! If thats the case he is never going to leave his wife is he??? Because that will be the ultimate drama. And even if he did, is he REALLY the kind of guy you want to spend the rest of your life with?
Art_Critic Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 For me when I go to therapy on Tuesday, this will begin the process. Pricillia..this is a good step toward making yourself happy again.. Good Luck...
Author pricillia Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 Pricillia..this is a good step toward making yourself happy again.. Good Luck... Thanks AC... Last week I was just driving myself crazy with thoughts of him, I go to bed at night asking god to let me have some peace with this so I can get some sleep. So I thought that it was time to go talk to someone!
Author pricillia Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 Yeah- good point AC. P- i said it last night, i said it in PMs, I say it today I will say it tomorrow YOU ARE WASTING YOUR LIFE WITH THIS MAN. He will never fully commit to you, but if you stay with him he will continue to bully and manipulate you into playing his games HIS WAY. He has indicated he doesn't like drama- RED FLAG!! If thats the case he is never going to leave his wife is he??? Because that will be the ultimate drama. And even if he did, is he REALLY the kind of guy you want to spend the rest of your life with? You are right, he will probabaly never leave her, unless he finds a rich woman or he becomes a millionare I believe he has too much attachment to her to leave and not cause drama
overandout Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 Yes and when he said that I should give him his space... I said ok I will give you the time to do what you need to do and work things out in your head... He did not like that I think he means that when he sees you or talks to you he doesn't want drama/awkward questions; he wants a nice easy stress free time. He didn't mean that he needs space to make a choice between you and his wife, although that is the way I would have read it. Pricillia, what a right pair of mm we have landed ourselves with--they could be brothers. Let's resolve to make them Xmm sooner rather than later! All the best.
Author pricillia Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 I think he means that when he sees you or talks to you he doesn't want drama/awkward questions; he wants a nice easy stress free time. He didn't mean that he needs space to make a choice between you and his wife, although that is the way I would have read it. Pricillia, what a right pair of mm we have landed ourselves with--they could be brothers. Let's resolve to make them Xmm sooner rather than later! All the best. I know I knew what he meant, I told him I would give him all the time he needed to figure out what he needed to or if he needs his space then he can have it from me... I am sure that he thought that I would give him time to figure things out reguarding his wife... But by that time I would have grey hair a wrinkles waiting around for him to leave her:bunny:
GreenEyedLady Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 P: When someone loves you, they DON'T treat you like this... Sure sometimes they make mistakes and don't do what you want them to, but they don't do what he is doing to you... He wants you to play the "Happy Little Mistress," not a true partner...someone who agrees with everything he says and does... The only way that you can stop the way you are feeling is by deciding to end the R and then actually doing it...It WILL HURT, HORRIBLY, but it will get BETTER... Why would you want to spend another minute with a man who DOES NOT care about YOUR feelings one bit...because he does not, he has shown he does not care in a hundred ways... What makes me like HMMM? Is that he doesn't want drama?! HE is creating the ultimate drama by engaging in an affair...he obviously has the wrong idea about what affairs are really like...and that makes him the worst kind of MM to deal with because he wants it his way and he doesn't care about who he hurts...and who he's hurting right now is YOU... Good luck P! We're here for you!!! (((HUGS)))
outofdarkness Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 I am an XOW, and also a mother to my own children. We talked about our children.... but I was not the Mother to his kids...nor was he the Father to mine! We talked about them in general, where they were going to school, sports, etc - but nothng in detail. I can tell you that his kids were not all I ever thought about - he was what I was thinking about - he was who I loved - NOT HIS KIDS! If all you think about is your MM's kids... why are you in the affair? It's got to be eating you alive...knowing what you are doing to their family! To me, the worst part of the the main OW's D day letter to me was that it focused so much on our kids! Not on him..on our KIDS!! It was creepy...
outofdarkness Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 You are right, he will probabaly never leave her, unless he finds a rich woman or he becomes a millionare I believe he has too much attachment to her to leave and not cause drama The part about "unless he finds a millionaire of becomes one, he won't leave...well, I have wondered a few times if my CH were to find himself in one of these situation, if he would just throw caution to the wind and leave...Money seems to mean so much to him...It seems, at times, to be his God..
Seen_It_All Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 Hey, I know we've had our differences here, so you can take my opinion with a grain of salt, of course. I don't feel like he deserves me in the way he had me before. Priscillia, to be blunt, he NEVER deserved you. EVER. He lied from Day #1 to lure you into his little SELFISH web of deceit. This LOUDLY says that he never respected you nor cared for you. He was simply out to make his life exciting because the guy doesn't know HOW to keep his zipper up. As you've said, he's already on his 2nd marriage and look what he's doing to his second wife - lying and cheating, running ads on dating sites and God KNOWS where else. Does this guy have ANY integrity at ALL? I honestly ask that question because everything I've read about him make me truly retch. I think I remember that you'd posted you met him on a dating site. He claimed to be single (or divorced..whatever) and led you to BELIEVE that cock and bull story for how many months? And he did it, knowing FULL WELL you'd be horribly hurt when you eventually DID find out the truth. Yet, the selfish pr*ck continued his charade, anyway, totally uncaring of how devastated he knew you'd be when the truth finally came out. There's NO excuse for that sleazy behavior. NONE. NONE. Quite honestly, I think you SHOULD tell his wife what a complete scumbag he is. I am not a BW, but I can guarantee you I'd want to know if my husband was out victimizing innocent women on dating sites, and being an utterly sleazy, cheating, lying piece of manipulative garbage. You'd better BELIEVE I'd want to know. Personally, I don't care what your reasons for telling her would be. Would your reasons make the information any different for her? Would your reasons affect HER ability to make choices for her own welfare and the welfare of her children? No, your reasons would not. Whether you did it maliciously or with compassion - the message to her remains the SAME. I know alot of people here keep wanting to center on you and how you would be affected by telling his wife, but you seem like a compassionate person who has the ability to look beyond yourself. Come on, if someone had VITAL information about YOUR marriage, wouldn't YOU want to know? I know I sure would. What she chooses to do with that information is her decision. Of this you can be sure - you weren't his first victim and you certainly won't be his last. This guy has NO integrity, NO character, and NO morals whatsoever. He's disgusting and repulsive and doesn't care who he steps on in his never-ending quest to conquer women. He's done nothing but LIE to you and USE you, and he's done nothing but LIE to his wife and gaslight her. And he's obviously VERY practiced at it because he had you fooled for a good long time. So no doubt, the liar has his wife snowed as well. Please have some compassion for his OTHER victim and tell her.
Catharsis Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 SeenItAll, you hit the nail right on the head as usual. Love your posts and the way you get your point across.
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