Author pricillia Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 Yes if I told her, If I did, then there would be not anger, not on my part, but often people tend to "Kill the messenger" and as frannie said that would mean betraying a person that was/is in my heart. But the lying by me about the fact that she left a message questioning me... I think that has make him scared. I may take power back but at what cost? I know that he needs to be with her for financial reasons so if I told I could ruin him... that would be terrible!
frannie Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 If he ever leaves her he has a very real fear that she will take the kids and leave the country. The chance of that happening is way more likely than the chance that I would ever tell her about our A. Perhaps one indication of the differences between the person they married and the one they found too late? --- Very good point Frannie! P - it doesn't sound like it has been a very happy situation for you in quite some time. The lack of trust...well I couldn't live with that. I did that before and eventually it got to be too much. Maybe it is time to evaluate how happy he makes you...really and honestly. Hello First part of this I would say... hmm... I'm feeling here the same 'do we care for them more (theoretically) than they do their own children..?' You are talking about those children's MOTHER... No, I'm not a mother, but I'm sick of theorising to death about how divorce affects children and worrying about it over and over... finding statistics about how it can be better for children if their parents live apart... blah blah... and I'm expected to believe that their own MOTHER would be LESS interested in that than I would..? oh right... I mistook brains for chutney. No, I think someone is making a pigs ear out of a perfectly simple ****ing situation. A divorce can be fine. And if a man wants it... it can happen. But yes, a wife can be a miserable, selfish, hideous, horrible, grasping cow. And probably will be What it comes down to is which woman he wants to face... horrible wife, or OW... guess who is the nicest ..? As for the second part of your post that I quoted. Absolutely. Been there done that. Ended the affair already. And yes, we had a great time. Mutual love and all that. I couldnt' have wished for a better match, but he's gone and hitched himself a long time ago to someone who won't even talk to him much less have sex. I think we could have a future full of love, and everything anyone ever wished for... and so does he. All that remains is for him to do the dirty deed and get a divorce. His call.
frannie Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 Don't think about him, don't think about his kids, don't think about his wife... don't think about his extended family or his job. They will all feel the brunt of it This is funny... Don't think about him or his kids (or his wife..?)... ... so she's only to think of herself..? An OW DOES think about HIM and HIS KIDS... it's all they ever do freaking think about! Look... there are no easy answers here but telling someone to act for themselves and not somone they love and their children... ok I can't speak for every OW here, but some of us have spent years thinking about ONLY this.
Author pricillia Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 I say, you already know her phone number so pick up the phone...dial her number and just tell her that you have been in an affair with her husband for xx many years/months and that it is over. Its only going to eat your every waking moment if you don't do it...so do it now and get it over with. You don't need to give any details, believe me if you slept with MM once or hundred times in her mind its all the same. But...be prepared for the fall out. Know that you will never ever speak to MM ever again. Accept this, and be thankful that it is over and that you can move on with your life. Don't think about him, don't think about his kids, don't think about his wife... don't think about his extended family or his job. They will all feel the brunt of it - but this is what happens when two people commit adultery - everyone pays the price - even the innocent. Eventually his wife will be thankful that she knows, not in the begining I am sure she's going to go through every kind of hell emotionally - but she will be able to make a choice based on the facts instead of the happy marriage she thought she had. It's not going to be over night - but it will happen - she too will move on - with him or without him in her life - she will find happiness. Now its up to you to decide - are you going to be happy if you do make that call? Can you walk away from him without making that call? Or is this something you need to do - becuase you know this is the only way to assure he will kick you to the curb? Let's face it you know he's treats you like crap already. And P - don't use his children as a crutch - they will live thier lives just fine without you in his life - they do not want anything to do with you. They don't need YOU to make daddy a better parent! Do it... pick up the phone if that is what you need to do to make sure you never see him. UNLESS you can do the adult mature thing, and just walk away from him without more drama. Remember its not your job to save him or his kids or anyone but yourself. You can live without him, you can be happy without him.... you can do it! :eek: :eek: Yo Momma.. Re read my post I want to tell her so bad but... I probably won't I struggle with what I have done, but he make it sound like he was going to leave... I never pressured... But he has lied to me and I wonder if he still lies not sure what the right thing to do is. What is between them is between them and what if she is horrible to him like he says
frannie Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 Yes if I told her, If I did, then there would be not anger, not on my part, but often people tend to "Kill the messenger" and as frannie said that would mean betraying a person that was/is in my heart. But the lying by me about the fact that she left a message questioning me... I think that has make him scared. I may take power back but at what cost? I know that he needs to be with her for financial reasons so if I told I could ruin him... that would be terrible! I think people become OW because they think of others more than themselves (oddly enough). Are you thinking of YOU here, or him..? Or her... or their kids..? HE chose to involve you in their lives... where does your loyalty lie..? With YOU... or where... and why..?
frannie Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 Yo Momma.. Re read my post I want to tell her so bad but... I probably won't I struggle with what I have done, but he make it sound like he was going to leave... I never pressured... But he has lied to me and I wonder if he still lies not sure what the right thing to do is. What is between them is between them and what if she is horrible to him like he says He lied to you. If she is horrible to him, does that excuse him lying to you..? He lied to you... why be nice, just for his sake..? Did he care about you when he dragged you into this..? Did he care about your heart..? You care about his precious heart... but did he care about yours..?
YoMomma Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 This is funny... Don't think about him or his kids (or his wife..?)... ... so she's only to think of herself..? An OW DOES think about HIM and HIS KIDS... it's all they ever do freaking think about! Look... there are no easy answers here but telling someone to act for themselves and not somone they love and their children... ok I can't speak for every OW here, but some of us have spent years thinking about ONLY this. I am an XOW, and also a mother to my own children. We talked about our children.... but I was not the Mother to his kids...nor was he the Father to mine! We talked about them in general, where they were going to school, sports, etc - but nothng in detail. I can tell you that his kids were not all I ever thought about - he was what I was thinking about - he was who I loved - NOT HIS KIDS! If all you think about is your MM's kids... why are you in the affair? It's got to be eating you alive...knowing what you are doing to their family!
Author pricillia Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 He lied to you. If she is horrible to him, does that excuse him lying to you..? He lied to you... why be nice, just for his sake..? Did he care about you when he dragged you into this..? Did he care about your heart..? You care about his precious heart... but did he care about yours..? I don't know... that is why I want to talk to him tonight to convey how I feel, It may not make a difference but it may. People listen to what you have to say and then later think about what was said... I probably won't change his ways, but he will understand a little more on why I react to him in the way that I do... good and bad
YoMomma Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 Yo Momma.. Re read my post I want to tell her so bad but... I probably won't I struggle with what I have done, but he make it sound like he was going to leave... I never pressured... But he has lied to me and I wonder if he still lies not sure what the right thing to do is. What is between them is between them and what if she is horrible to him like he says Pricilla - I understand what you are saying and what you are going through. BUT it's not your place to protect him from her HE IS A BIG BOY...No? You already know he has lied to you.... for all you know he can have a wonderful life at home! Stop thinking that its your job to fix him... and protect him... the only person you have to fix and help is YOU! Stop looking for excuses... (sorry if that sounded harsh)! He treats you like crap - why are you worried about him or what happens to him? He's not going to worry one bit about you when it's over...
Can'tGiveUp Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 Hello First part of this I would say... hmm... I'm feeling here the same 'do we care for them more (theoretically) than they do their own children..?' You are talking about those children's MOTHER... No, I'm not a mother, but I'm sick of theorising to death about how divorce affects children and worrying about it over and over... finding statistics about how it can be better for children if their parents live apart... blah blah... and I'm expected to believe that their own MOTHER would be LESS interested in that than I would..? oh right... I mistook brains for chutney. No, I think someone is making a pigs ear out of a perfectly simple ****ing situation. A divorce can be fine. And if a man wants it... it can happen. But yes, a wife can be a miserable, selfish, hideous, horrible, grasping cow. And probably will be What it comes down to is which woman he wants to face... horrible wife, or OW... guess who is the nicest ..? I guess what I think is that yes - you are right - I may well care more for his kids (in some respects) than his W does. I am a mother, and one that is stb divorced. I believe that kids are better off with 2 happy parents in separate homes than 2 unhappy parents in one home. However - in the particular case of my xMM, his W would be very likely to illegally take the kids and leave the country should they split. It has been brought up before. And contrary to what I just said:p - you again are right - if he really wanted out he could make it happen. His choice to stay...and I understand why (he would be devastated if she took the kids away), but I don't believe it is a great reason. We are also done and finished. And I would not allow that situation to happen again - much too painful. I believe that he has thrown away what was the best thing in his life (me! ) and chosen the path of least resistance. But in his eyes, by keeping his family together (even in an unhappy household) he is doing the right thing for his kids. Que sera,sera!
frannie Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 his kids were not all I ever thought about - he was what I was thinking about - he was who I loved - NOT HIS KIDS! If all you think about is your MM's kids... why are you in the affair? It's got to be eating you alive...knowing what you are doing to their family! Um obviously that was hyperbole on my count As far as I'm concerned, as I say, someone married with children and having an affair is taking a HUGE risk regarding their children. And me, as a childless OW, is pointing out all the hypocrisy of that: a person saying ooooh my wife might be a litle iffy about access and so on when HELLOOOOOO his OW might blow the whole thing out of the water by telling his W what he's been up to all these years. An OW might (as I have done) spend a lot of time wondering and worrying about the affects of divorce on children, while a married person will easily put all that at risk for the sake of their own needs... and then an OW sits her night after night worrying about the financial implications of the affair being found out... and how it will affect his kids... HELLOOOOOO HE made one hell of a BAD decision about HIS OWN kids by even getting involved with you. Don't make a huge issue of this about his finances, his children... even a wife he chose to screw around on. Act for YOURSELVES.. because as I say... everyone else will. As for me and 'why I am in this affair' well you will have to check out my earlier posts. And looked at right at this moment I'm not IN an affair.
frannie Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 We are also done and finished. And I would not allow that situation to happen again - much too painful. I believe that he has thrown away what was the best thing in his life (me! ) and chosen the path of least resistance. But in his eyes' date=' by keeping his family together (even in an unhappy household) he is doing the right thing for his kids. Que sera,sera![/quote'] Men just have different priorities. And it's not about love for a woman... its so not about that. Any OW knows that... and I think any BS does too... which is why they're always so bloody angry. Anyway. What to do, what to do..? I have no idea.
GreenEyedLady Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 P: Please think about this...I think that you will end up making YOURSELF more unhappy if you tell her...Please do what is right for you...but THINK about it first... I know the temptation of telling...how it will FORCE an END...but you can do that on your own, without telling her...
Author pricillia Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 Pricilla - I understand what you are saying and what you are going through. BUT it's not your place to protect him from her HE IS A BIG BOY...No? You already know he has lied to you.... for all you know he can have a wonderful life at home! Stop thinking that its your job to fix him... and protect him... the only person you have to fix and help is YOU! Stop looking for excuses... (sorry if that sounded harsh)! He treats you like crap - why are you worried about him or what happens to him? He's not going to worry one bit about you when it's over... I know YM...hard nocks maybe.. Yes he is a big boy, yes he has lied to me, I could protect him if I choose to and I have so far. I do think about what may happen to him and his son that is something to consider, it is... and yes if I told that would make for an uncomfortable situation for me
Author pricillia Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 P: Please think about this...I think that you will end up making YOURSELF more unhappy if you tell her...Please do what is right for you...but THINK about it first... I know the temptation of telling...how it will FORCE an END...but you can do that on your own, without telling her... But I think GEL that it has ended...I am hurt and angry that he has treated me badly... he is sweet then nasty(if he thinks that I am interested in another) I have seen him turn himself around in the sense that he either got busted or thinks that he may... When just a few weeks ago he said that nothing and noone... can stop him from seeing me But last week when he was so abrupt with me on the phone I gave it back to him and he did not like that one bit... He actually told me that he deserved more then that???????
Can'tGiveUp Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 Anyway. What to do, what to do..? I have no idea. Don't know if I'm just missing it but Que sera, sera = What will be, will be. Nothing left to do...but get on with life...
Author pricillia Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 Don't know if I'm just missing it but Que sera, sera = What will be, will be. Nothing left to do...but get on with life... ah such an easy breezy attitude... I unfortunaly do not share the same
GreenEyedLady Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 But I think GEL that it has ended...I am hurt and angry that he has treated me badly... he is sweet then nasty(if he thinks that I am interested in another) He actually told me that he deserved more then that??????? P: As soon as a man is NASTY to you: YOU WALK AWAY...You don't deserve that kind of treatment... 2nd: He doesn't DESERVE anything from you...He should count himself lucky that you even TALK to him anymore... he will probably try to come back to you within the next week or so...ACT LIKE HE DOESN'T EXIST...HE'S NOT WORTH YOUR TIME...
Can'tGiveUp Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 ah such an easy breezy attitude... I unfortunaly do not share the same 10 weeks of NC. 2nd ending - though the 1st was when he was separated and went back to try again. Ran into him late last week in the morning. Most difficult meeting I have had - he gave me a hug. I could only handle a couple of minutes of conversation and I thought I was going to cry - so I had to walk away. It's not easy. But I have to accept that there is nothing I can do to make him change his decision...and I do deserve better - he taught me that. I can pick up the pieces of my life though...
cbl Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 truth? there's no more truth between any two people in this triangle. call the wife and tell her "your version of truth". chances are she already know that you are having an affair.... she called you back the other day, right? if that helps you get the anger and hurt out of your system, do it. in a calm way as other former BS have suggested. i also agree with another poster. think about why you want to do this, and what the consequences are before you do it. telling her will quarantee you the end of the affair, but it might NOT make you feel any better. if he's the first time cheater you might be able to imagine how his wife would react just like you have been betrayed. if he's a serial cheater his wife probably couldn't care less about you (in both case anyway) they will be working on their marriage and you will be left in the cold.... you guys work together? make sure that she doesn't find you in the office and make a scene.... you don't want to lose your job and the one you've been emotionally dependent on at the same time. but, he might come back after the dusts are settled at home. make sure that you are strong enough to say NO to him this time. and, by saying "tell her" does not help justify this action in a morality stand point of view.... i wouldn't want to go to this point. everyone has different view on the morality issue and if the moraitly is so high, there wouldn't be so many affairs in the first place. i am probably not saying anything different than other posters have said (haven't read them all).... just want to say you hang in there and be strong.
Author pricillia Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 P: As soon as a man is NASTY to you: YOU WALK AWAY...You don't deserve that kind of treatment... 2nd: He doesn't DESERVE anything from you...He should count himself lucky that you even TALK to him anymore... he will probably try to come back to you within the next week or so...ACT LIKE HE DOESN'T EXIST...HE'S NOT WORTH YOUR TIME... No he won't try to come back... I have never seen him act like this before. All of the fights and I am not just blaming him but most of them 99% were of him accusing me of being unfaithfull. That is annoying in itself especially when I never cheated on a boyfriend. But he said that he deserves more, that made me mad...I am still mad and hurt too.
GreenEyedLady Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 No he won't try to come back... I have never seen him act like this before. All of the fights and I am not just blaming him but most of them 99% were of him accusing me of being unfaithfull. That is annoying in itself especially when I never cheated on a boyfriend. But he said that he deserves more, that made me mad...I am still mad and hurt too. P: MOST of them try to come back...texts, drive-bys and calls...just be prepared... It doesn't matter about the fighting...you didn't DESERVE his mistrust and he certainly doesn't deserve your faithfulness... HE DESERVES MORE?! WTF?! YOU DESERVE MORE-someone who will tell you the truth and not be mean or nasty to you... And what about his W deserving a H who is faithful to her? He is a really selfish, immature man...count your blessings that it's ending now... I know you hurt, I KNOW how it feels...but you DESERVE better...BELIEVE THAT!!!
cbl Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 and, just to add, as a former OW, i would not worry too much about his kids and his financial status. you do not know everything in their family about their kids and their finance... i doubt whether it is true when we (x)OW think that we care more about the kids than the MM/BW. maybe more, and maybe less. the BW of my xMM was the person who told the kids about our affair (when she did not have any proof of us having affair; and with her pretending to be another girl writing nasty emails about me and the MM to their own kids) if some BW don't even care (sorry no offense here and i am not pinpointing to any particular BS who's reading this board) how their kids would be reacting under that circumstances..... why should you?
Author pricillia Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 P: MOST of them try to come back...texts, drive-bys and calls...just be prepared... It doesn't matter about the fighting...you didn't DESERVE his mistrust and he certainly doesn't deserve your faithfulness... HE DESERVES MORE?! WTF?! YOU DESERVE MORE-someone who will tell you the truth and not be mean or nasty to you... And what about his W deserving a H who is faithful to her? He is a really selfish, immature man...count your blessings that it's ending now... I know you hurt, I KNOW how it feels...but you DESERVE better...BELIEVE THAT!!! Thanks Gel, I know that he does not deserve me being faithfull, not in the least, but it is who I am. I searched on the web and asked "should I tell his wife about the affair" and came up with this link.. http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/infidelity/affair_over_tell_wife.html I hope it works... there is also great informations about the difference between Love and attachment and also the different attatchment styles
Author pricillia Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 and, just to add, as a former OW, i would not worry too much about his kids and his financial status. you do not know everything in their family about their kids and their finance... i doubt whether it is true when we (x)OW think that we care more about the kids than the MM/BW. maybe more, and maybe less. the BW of my xMM was the person who told the kids about our affair (when she did not have any proof of us having affair; and with her pretending to be another girl writing nasty emails about me and the MM to their own kids) if some BW don't even care (sorry no offense here and i am not pinpointing to any particular BS who's reading this board) how their kids would be reacting under that circumstances..... why should you? I just do... I care about the relationship that he has with his son, that is an important relationship to consider, I know just how much they need eachother so If I did tell this could ruin that structure that I know his son needs... How could I do that? That is where the why comes in... why would I tell? Now when we talk tonight, and when we both agree to end it, and if he would contact me again to start it up... then should I tell? But I know that he would not start it up again..
Recommended Posts