guin_girl Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 Well it's over and done... I guess it went ok, according to my friend who went with me, I was calm and friendly, but not too friendly... he thought for sure that it would last about 20 minutes with me asking questions or him making up excuses, but the actual exchange lasted a whole minute. But wait.... there's more.... My friend and I show up to the sports bar about 20 minutes to 6.... I picked a high table with just two bar stools, that way he couldn't join us and I wouldn't be in a seat that would put me in a position to be looking up at him. So we got a couple beers... which apparently I needed, it went down pretty smoothly... and a snack.... I look over to the lower tables next to me and there is a guy sitting at one, and another guy sitting at another... I knew that he was going to meet a sales rep at this bar... I tell my friend, "watch, this guy here at the table next to us is going to be his sales rep". So here he comes around the corner with the "stuff"... gives me a big smile and walks over... I pull those precious movies out of my bag and hand them to him saying Happy Birthday"... he laughs and pulls out the NASCAR cup he wanted to give me... I appropriately complimented it and then he takes a look at the guy I was with, who I didn't introduce him to.... then looks at me and says, "well ok, I'm going to go find my rep"... he turns around to the table right next to me, starts laughing and you guessed it (as I did) that WAS his sales rep... He ends up sitting down not even 2 feet away... introduces me to his sales rep and that was it... It was pretty nerve racking to have him right next to me for the next hour... I don't know if he ever really looked over, cause he's pretty slick at that... but as they all got up to leave, I heard the rep tell him that he hopes to see him soon... it doesn't sound like he even was going to the game... if that were the case he didn't need to even be there, but it sounds like he just came to the bar to get those silly videos... VHS videos, that are in the .99 bin and he doesn't even have anything to play them on... As he left, he turned around and gave me a huge smile and a goofy wave... I did try to see if I could find him in his section, he sits behind one of those "characters" that dress up in costume for the games, so he's not too hard to locate, but I didn't see him... And I thought it was strange that the king of fried foods only had a salad at the bar... so I'm thinking that he had dinner plans for his birthday and only came to get the videos... Was it really all about those stupid movies (that he used to watch with his ex-wife) or was it a ploy to see me? I'm so glad that I had my friend with me... I'm sure he was sick of me analyzing the situation over and over... But he said that I did really well, while we had that hour sitting near each other... I was laughing and real chatty, so I looked like I was having a good time... which I did, even though the butterflies were there... My friend did have an interesting viewpoint... he said that this guy was way too calm to have pulled the disappearing act, and then the pompous voice mail, to not do this on a regular basis... Any "normal" person would show some remorse or some nervousness by facing the person that they dissed... he said it seemed to him that this was his way of doing things and that he came across to him as a player... which I didn't see... but he also said that his opinion was bias because of what I have been through. I only glanced over a couple of times... but when I went to the bathroom, he didn't even look at me when I came back to the table... I'm sure he watched me leave, but wouldn't give the satisfaction of looking at me when I came back... he was staring straight down intent in his lettuce... This is the one that left a pissy message on my VM because I ignored him... So now all I keep thinking is will I ever hear from him again... will he call me... I have this urge to check out his myspace and see if there's anything on there that can let me into his mind... but I know there will be all these messages about his b'day and I don't need to see that... I don't want to break down... we all knew there would be some set back... but I'm stronger than that (I hope)... unfortunately, I know where he is today, because we were suppose to spend his birthday weekend together at a variety of sporting events... So.... how did I do? What do you think....? I need feedback, cause I'm here alone driving myself insane!!
Kelso Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 Sounds like you did real good. Still it's quite easy to see that you are far from over this guy. Smart move to bring your friend with you and how you prevented him from being able to take a seat at your table. Wish I had someone on my side the first time I met my ex after our breakup. Now just go back to NC and stick to it. It gets easier - or at least it should...
Am4Real Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 So.... how did I do? What do you think....? I need feedback, cause I'm here alone driving myself insane!! Hi GG, I’ve read your post and the one that followed from KELSO and agree, you are not over “him” yet but appear to be focused on getting to that stage having realized he is not genuine and perhaps somewhat of a player, if not other things. I know it doesn’t help that you are not sure of why he disappeared on you or who/what he really is, but as you ask or internally search for the reasons or possibilities also ask yourself this: 1. “does it REALLY matter” 2.. “will it REALLY make a difference whether I know or not” The answer is: probably not! And why? The reason you may want to know all about his actions is in examination of your own self worth and self esteem; I believe it is very common and natural to question yourself and your worthiness. I have done this in the past. However, in all likelihood there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, the reasons for someone disappearing or rejecting us are for the most part unique to “that” person and sometimes it’s simply lack of spark or chemistry that follows the initial infatuation. Whatever, don’t dwell on it. Let’s get you back on track in the healing process and in the right frame of mind. My view in reading your account of the “bar exchange” and the VM leading up to that meeting is he thought you were going to want him, need him, or generally be a conversationalist (friend). Why else would he play up with a reason to get back old VHS tapes. However, it sounds a bit like you were curious yourself or perhaps just wanted to see him one more time. If not you could have simply exchanged "old stuff" via the mail or a third party, right? Well you did see him for that one "last time" and now its over with! Good! If you know what you really want and that is a relationship with someone who adores and cherishes you, [highlight]get back to NC and check in with us for support [/highlight]in your healing. All the best, Am4real
Am4Real Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 GG, is this the same guy you wrote about in December who was recently divorced following twenty some months of marriage after his wife left him, or is the person you are talking about (above) someone new? Am I missing something in this history?
Author guin_girl Posted March 3, 2007 Author Posted March 3, 2007 Hi GG, I’ve read your post and the one that followed from KELSO and agree, you are not over “him” yet but appear to be focused on getting to that stage having realized he is not genuine and perhaps somewhat of a player, if not other things. I know it doesn’t help that you are not sure of why he disappeared on you or who/what he really is, but as you ask or internally search for the reasons or possibilities also ask yourself this: 1. “does it REALLY matter” 2.. “will it REALLY make a difference whether I know or not” The answer is: probably not! I know it doesn't matter... but it's human nature to want to know... I'm the type of person who believes in treating people as I want to be treated and I am constantly disappointed by those that are so selfish that they can't see beyond them selves and their own world. I don't know if it's that I'm not "over him" or that I just miss not being alone after so long... I know he has too many issues that he needs to work on, that it wouldn't have worked and a part of me was ready to end it as well... But I would have had the consideration to tell him. And why? The reason you may want to know all about his actions is in examination of your own self worth and self esteem; I believe it is very common and natural to question yourself and your worthiness. I have done this in the past. However, in all likelihood there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, the reasons for someone disappearing or rejecting us are for the part unique to “that” person and sometimes it’s simply lack of spark or chemistry that follows the initial infatuation. Whatever, don’t dwell on it. Let’s get you back on track in the healing process and in the right frame of mind. That's the part that sucks... why do we gauge our self worth on one person's opinion... not saying that I am, but it's amazing how one person's unstable actions can question our esteem. I've been lucky with this breakup that I have had a strong support group. Most of my support comes from men in his age bracket... They are giving me the "stable" man's opinion and have mentioned time and time again, that his actions are completely independent of me and what transpired between us is not anything that I did. (Background: Wife left him and all his stuff in June while he was at work... he's trying to cope with this through alcohol) My view in reading your account of the “bar exchange” and the VM leading up to that meeting is he thought you were going to want him, need him, or generally be a conversationalist (friend). Why else would he play up with a reason to get back old VHS tapes. However, it sounds a bit like you were curious yourself or perhaps just wanted to see him one more time. If not you could have simply exchanged "old stuff" via the mail or a third party, right? Well you did see him for that one "last time" and now its over with! Good! If you know what you really want and that is a relationship with someone who adores and cherishes you, [highlight]get back to NC and check in with us for support [/highlight]in your healing. All the best, Am4real I didn't want to take the chicken way out by mailing his movies... let alone spend a dime on him... we were introduced by mutual friends... we will be seeing each other again, a lot... we are part of the same circle of friends, we attend the same sporting events... we will be on bus trips together with our mutual friends... so for this reason I chose to try to make what was an uncomfortable ending a little easier... for me... not him... I don't like confrontation and I hate that our friends would have to deal with the "game". We will see each other again on March 17th, but there is no reason for either of us to approach each other. I think it will be a "smile and wave" kind of interaction now. Which I am more comfortable with then, the avoidance game. Sounds like you did real good. Still it's quite easy to see that you are far from over this guy. Smart move to bring your friend with you and how you prevented him from being able to take a seat at your table. Wish I had someone on my side the first time I met my ex after our breakup. Now just go back to NC and stick to it. It gets easier - or at least it should... Thanks Kelso... I guess not, but I think it's just the fact that I miss who I thought he was, not who he is now or I should say who he actually is. I would have never set up the meeting if I didn't have a buddy... yea, my friend thought it was funny that I put in that much "preparation" when picking a seat... I guess some of those self help books have paid off I hope it gets easier... Thank you so much both of you for your input... it helps to write about it right now... I'm trying to stay positive... and not think of him... but the gloomy day outside fits my mood
Author guin_girl Posted March 3, 2007 Author Posted March 3, 2007 GG, is this the same guy you wrote about in December who was recently divorced following twenty some months of marriage after his wife left him, or is the person you are talking about (above) someone new? Am I missing something in this history? Nope that's the same guy... we had backed down to just friends and then after the holidays, he initiated the "relationship" talk and then after spending the next 4 weeks together and every weekend... he just stops calling/emailing, any contact at all... You got my history down...
Author guin_girl Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 So here I am, almost 24 hours later... yesterday was kinda hard... I had more thoughts of him than I had in a while. A part of me wanted him to think after he saw me that he was just a fool, that he realized he missed me and wanted to contact me. I don't know what I would have done if he did, I don't know if I would have answered or not... I fought myself against looking at his myspace page to see if he's still in contact with the girl I suspect he dumped me for... Or if there was someone else... what he did over his birthday weekend, the one that we had plans for together.... But I didn't look, nothing I would have found would excuse his behavior or make me feel any better... fact is, he doesn't want me... "he's just not that into me"... harsh words, but reality... But, I can proudly say 1 day No Contact and counting...
Am4Real Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 But, I can proudly say 1 day No Contact and counting... Hang in there GG!!!! Am4Real
shockandawed Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 GG, That is a harsh reality indeed...and I know how hard it is to want to know the reasons and not have them. But at least he isn't dragging you down a long and painful road with a bunch of lame excuses that you would spend days and weeks reading into and banging your head into the wall over. The thing that is so obvious to all of us out here looking in on you, is that this is entirely his problem. He has some issues going on that honestly, you are so better off to be away from. It will take you awhile to see that, but it is very clear. This is his problem and he will have to live with the loss, not you.
Author guin_girl Posted March 6, 2007 Author Posted March 6, 2007 well I'm having a hard time sleeping now... and even though I know it won't do me any good... I still want to know what the he|| happened and why he disappeared. it's driving me nuts... I know nothing he can say would help and I sure don't want him to know that it's bothering me... all it would do is feed his ego, but it just bothers me so much. It's not like he doesn't like to talk, he's definitely in touch with his feminine side and is more chatty then some girls. His wife walked out on him and only left a letter, it drove him nuts that she wouldn't talk to him, so he knows how it is to be on the WTF side of this... you would think he wouldn't want to do that to anyone else. It was so important to him before that we remain friends, I don't even know why that isn't now. We didn't fight, there was no blow up, just one day he decided that it was over and didn't feel the need to share the news... it's driving me nuts... I have a right to know, we aren't children... you don't run and hide... We are just beginning another sporting season where I will see him pretty regularly... how long can I fake it before I blow it and ask the question I so desperately want to know the answer to, but don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing it got to me... I just want to be able to sleep and not rehash every single moment of the last month we spent together looking for clues all night long... ugh
Author guin_girl Posted March 6, 2007 Author Posted March 6, 2007 man this not sleeping thing is getting to me.... I'm so tired... I can't concentrate... and of course first day back in the office today, everyone wants to know how the exchange went... "did you get to ask him why he did it?", "do you know why?", "what did he say", "what did you say?", "how did you handle it?" they want to know why as much as me... they hate that he hurt me... all I want to do is sleep until the hurt goes away
Kwo-ne'-she Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 well I'm having a hard time sleeping now... and even though I know it won't do me any good... I still want to know what the he|| happened and why he disappeared. it's driving me nuts... I know nothing he can say would help and I sure don't want him to know that it's bothering me... all it would do is feed his ego, but it just bothers me so much. It's not like he doesn't like to talk, he's definitely in touch with his feminine side and is more chatty then some girls. His wife walked out on him and only left a letter, it drove him nuts that she wouldn't talk to him, so he knows how it is to be on the WTF side of this... you would think he wouldn't want to do that to anyone else. It was so important to him before that we remain friends, I don't even know why that isn't now. We didn't fight, there was no blow up, just one day he decided that it was over and didn't feel the need to share the news... it's driving me nuts... I have a right to know, we aren't children... you don't run and hide... We are just beginning another sporting season where I will see him pretty regularly... how long can I fake it before I blow it and ask the question I so desperately want to know the answer to, but don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing it got to me... I just want to be able to sleep and not rehash every single moment of the last month we spent together looking for clues all night long... ugh You have a right to know. Unfortantely, you need to accept the fact that you may never know. My last relationship ended a bit differently than yours, but there were/are so many questions I still have for him. Some of them I was able to ask, and he answered...but they aren't answers I could accept. (Some I outright didn't believe.) There are still things that remain unanswered, and I finally had to face the fact I will never get those answers. It stinks. But such is life.
Author guin_girl Posted March 6, 2007 Author Posted March 6, 2007 You have a right to know. Unfortantely' date=' you need to accept the fact that you may [b']never [/b]know. I know and was ok, or so I thought... but after the first game with the strange voice mail with him upset I didn't acknowledge him and then the exchange where he showed no remorse at all, or any discomfort facing the person he so flagrantly disposed of, I am more curious about what is going on in that pea brain of his... Logically, I know I will never know... and stubbornly, I don't want to give him the satisfaction of it getting to me... but inwardly, it's eating away at me...
Trialbyfire Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 I know and was ok, or so I thought... but after the first game with the strange voice mail with him upset I didn't acknowledge him and then the exchange where he showed no remorse at all, or any discomfort facing the person he so flagrantly disposed of, I am more curious about what is going on in that pea brain of his... Logically, I know I will never know... and stubbornly, I don't want to give him the satisfaction of it getting to me... but inwardly, it's eating away at me... If it's really eating at you, ask him and if you feel it necessary, give it to him with both barrels blazing. It's reliant on your personality type and what you consider acceptable behaviour. While my situation was very different from yours, the end result was the same where we both had questions that needed to be answered. I had mine answered and had the opportunity to vent my raw pain at the person who deserved it. For me, it helped me to move on to the point where I can't even drum up enough energy to care anymore. It's not even repressed emotions because I can now bring back the good times, feel a little sadness but know that they were just a dream.
Recommended Posts