Physically sick

[cr8sea]

I dated this guy who i thought was amazing for a few months. I thought he was feeling it more than me, but thats not to say i wasnt falling for him. Anyway long story short, after a few very very happy months (for me anyway and i thought for him too from what he said and seemed to be) he turns around and says he's not ready for a relationship. We broke it off and tried to be friends. He texted me every day since the break up, just to ask how my day was going or to tell me something random. Sometimes he would text me in the middle of the nite, or just as he would wake up. This ofcourse got my hopes up that it might be just a small "space" thing.

Then today i found out he's trying to get with this young girl. Its obvious from the type of girl she is that he just wants to have some fun with her.

WHen i found this out i wanted to puke. I thought i was dealing with this fairly well, but now i just want to curled up in a ball. I feel like he gave me up just so he could hook up with random girls. Makes me feel like he lied to me the whole time and thats what he was looking for to begin with.

 

As i said, this is making me feel sick, and i dont know how to deal with it. I dont know if i should keep talking to him as friends, or if he's just keeping me around in case his hook ups dont work out. I dont want to think of him that way cuz he seemed so great, but at this point..i dont know what to think. Anyone can help???? i feel so alone in this and getting sick isnt helping. Please help!!!

[Kwo-ne'-she]

From what you describe in your post, (and we are only privy to one side here)

it seems as if he wants to play the field, and not be tied down. At the same time, he isn't ready to let go of you.

 

To answer your question about what to do, you are the only one who knows what is best for you. If this is upsetting you, to keep talking as friends, by all means put an end to it. Tell him that you need time. Step away from the situation, and allow yourself time to heal. Come to terms with it all. Don't continue "being there" for him, when it is affecting your health. If he truly cares for you, he will understand. If not, you are better off without him in your life.

[amy98ta]

I have been going through something similar and can some what understand what you are going through. My situation involved an ex-wife that got jealous and pulled the "I want you back" trick. He wanted to stay as friends while he explores what is going to happen with his ex. But still having contact with him was tearing me up. I would be shaking like a leaf at times because I was so upset. So I think the only thing for you to do is to have no contact with him. That's what I have been doing. It's hard and believe me it sucks but in the long run I will be better off. Just as you will be better off. Only time can heal.

[cr8sea]

So yeah i couldnt take it. I couldnt take seeing how this other chick flirted with him, and then talk to him like it didnt bother me. I went to get my things i left in his place tonight also with the intention to tell him that i needed to stop talking to him but i couldnt do it.

Instead i wrote him this message telling him it was better for me, seeing as how it seems like he's moving on pretty well. I did however told him i miss him and i would have never hurt him (one of his fears was being hurt by me or so he said when we broke up) and you know that i hope we eventually be friends but right now i felt i needed the time to move on.

Im glad i did it. I think itll be better for both of us. I know i can do the whole NC thing...we'll see if he keeps it too.

 

Alright so thats how that went....hopefully i can start moving on now.

[Guest]

Cheers to ya.

[D-Lish]

I've been in a similar situation in the past, and the only thing that helped was to stop all contact. It hurt way too much to know what he was doing... and he would even talk to me about other women he was sleeping with.

 

For my own sanity, I had to walk away and choose not to be friends with him. We are friends again now- but it took me over a year before I resumed contact...land I am completely over him. He, on the other hand, laments to me about how much of a mistake he made and wants to try dating again. No way.

 

No contact is the best way to save your feelings in a situation like this.

D

[cr8sea]

So ive been working on the whole NC thing. I havent texted or called or anything but for some reason i cant stop checking out his myspace page. There i found out he keeps talking to this chick and even says that they need to fix her camera so she can keep taking the sleazy pictures she puts up in her page (bitter??? just a bit lol)

For some reason however, he still has pictures of us on his page. Although he knows im not talking to him and even removed him from my top listed friends, he still has me as his third friend, has pictures of us and even a message where he states that his life is so wonderful because he has me in it. Wouldnt it make sense that if he's moved on, he'd take that off??? If anything for his hook ups' sake? It kinda trips me a bit and i know i KNOW i need to stop checking it...but i cant

I miss him like crazy, more than i would have thought. Specially now that I got the job we both were hoping for i would get cuz its close to where he lives. I had no choice but to accept it since i was laid off of my previous job but it kills me to be so near him now that its useless.

Im having a really really hard time. I know im supposed to get busy, and i am with the new job, but i still cant shake this sadness and the whys off of my head. I even lost almost 10 lbs within the past two weeks and i dont even know how.

Im sorry this is so long, but im really having hard time. I wish i could talk to someone, and i really really appreciate all your responses.

I guess my question is what have you people done to get over the initial not seeing, not talking to your exs? I know im supposed to go out but really? how? and most importantly with who? I mean i do have friends but they are all too busy altough they;ve been awesome with all this. Sometimes i wish i could be like him, going to his car meetings and bars and parties. How do they do it???

[JCD]

For me, I just had to plow thru it. It got better with each day but sometimes I have setbacks. Talking this out with friends is a good thing as you will vent your frustrations rather than keep them inside. Hopefully doing full NC and given enough time go by, you will start to think of them less and less until you get your old self back again and do things that make you happy.

[taylor]

cr8sea,

 

You and I are in somewhat similar situations with similar challenges.

 

In August, I moved back to the town where I had just graduated from college because I got hired into the job of my dreams there (a job I had applied to before I graduated).

 

Unfortunately, it's the same town my ex lives in (we met while I was in college). I moved back to this town one month after our break-up so all of the wounds were still very, very fresh.

 

It has been very difficult trying to recover from this breakup because I am very alone in this town. I uprooted myself from my family and friends back home in another state and returned to my college town where most of my college friends vacated to take jobs elsewhere.

 

I literally came back to this town knowing only three other people (besides my ex) and all three were mutual friends of his.

 

I had to transition from being a college student to being in the real world - new job, new environment.

 

And on top of that I had to try to deal with this huge hole in my heart - self-esteem issues, loneliness, and sadness.

 

And of course all of the drama that came with running into him all over town and "seeing" what he has been doing.

 

I felt very alone, very out of place, and very vulnerable in this big town chock full of strangers all too busy with their own hurried lives to even stop to take any notice of little ole me.

 

On the other hand, my ex has lived in this town his entire life. His niche is well carved out. He has a large circle of long-time friends. His still lives with his family (he's 26) and they are very close-knit. He is comfortable and established in his career and involved in a large number of activities that keep him busy and happy.

 

Since August I have worked hard to try to carve out my own little niche in this town. You are going to have to do the same thing. It's hard and it's scary but you can do it.

 

I made the mistake of latching on to his mutual friends. Actually, they sought me out. But this has turned out to be a bad move. While they have been a wonderful support for me, I've realized they've actually hindered me from moving on. I realized I needed to break out of this social circle that revolves around my ex and make my own circle.

 

I'm in the process of making new friends and getting involved in new activities that have no connection with my ex whatsoever.

 

I am making friends at work and engaging in activities with them after work. You can, too.

 

I also joined a club and started taking a class and I am making some new friends there, too.

 

In some ways I feel like I am getting my "second chance" - not with my ex, but a "second chance" at a new life with a fresh start, a change of scenery, and hope for good things to come.

 

It's hard to move on, especially when you feel all alone, but you can do it. Stay strong

[oppath]

I agree with Taylor. Avoid all associations with your ex. Carve a new niche with new people and live a new life. You can't be his friend because he hurt you. You felt the relationship was going well and you felt all the romance, chemistry, passion, and connections were there. If you felt those things were absent, you could be friends, but you did not. You felt those things existed and you believed him when he said things and acted in ways the expressed his desire for you.

 

I too am in the same situation, only I burned the bridge for friendship, only to somehow try to rebuild it in the name of mutual friends and overlapping social circles. I'm killing myself, because I remain attached to the drama, other people get involved, and it's becoming a mess that is bad for me. I am walking away.

 

I too feel sick to my stomach because despite my ex telling me she loved me, felt I was the guy she was going to marry, and other serious **** (and her acting disappointed when I told her some of those things were too soon to be talking about), ended up not wanting a relationship. I felt duped. Even when she dumped me, she kept talking about how she did have feelings for me and how hard it was for her to let someone so amazing go because she felt we cold have an amazing future. And because I have mutual friends, it gets back to me that 1 week after the break up, she was saying opposite things to them, how she never really wanted to get serious and felt I was a fun guy to hang out with and the sex was incredible, but it was time to break things off because I started wanting more. I've been sick to my stomach for two months.

 

i am walking away completely. This means giving up social activities that I've been doing for 3 years, long before my ex and her friends. It means ceasing to go to the bar I'd go to Sunday afternoons to watch sports. It means many things. All associations except for 2 mutual friends, 1 of which I said 6 months, we can hang in 6 months, are cut. The other mutual friend...I won't see him in any context of her. His birthday party...I'm not going to go. Simple as that.

 

Remove yourself from this man's life. He has power over you. Take that power back.

[cr8sea]

Funny how i think im over it for the most part, yet every VW i see on the street makes me think of him and about whether he is regreting it. (Ofcourse he's not, as i found out that he and the underaged sleaze have been hanging out a lot).

Good thing i found that out though, because my roommate invited me to go to a bar tonight and was about to say no when i saw that, so that changed my mind....

This is ridiculously hard....seriously. I never EVER even noticed a VW before...now i notice every single one that crosses my path. When is this gonna get easier?!? ever??? at all???

ugh i wish i'd never met him.

Speaking of which....not that it matters in my situation but have you guys heard those songs Like Karma by alicia keys and the My love by Ciera, bassically songs that say, ur gonna wish u had never done this. Does that ever happen in real life? Do people regret breaking up with someone down the road and wish they could have them back? FOr some reason it seems to me that it never happens, that's just wishful thinking, or that it happens in movies etc. Has anyone ever had that experience? whether you broke up with someone and wish you hadnt or soemone broke up with you and then they wanted you back down the road?

[cr8sea]

Wow...i was re-reading all this that i wrote about my ex...the feeling that it would never get better, that i would feel that bad forever....

 

After five months, now i look at his pictures and wonder "what in the world was i thinking!" I am so very thankful it ended and belive me life gets 110% better, even better than when i was with him. I learned to appreciate myself, i learned to not rush into things, and most importantly i learned to forgive.

This guy and I are now good friends. We talk about his sleazy 18 year old and how she;s playing him...(poor kid) and about my new man. Although i remember why i liked him, im also very aware that we are definitely not a good match.

SO to all of you out there who are in ridiculous amount of pain...yeah it sucks soo bad....but it also goes away eventually and you will also see in the end, there is a good reason why it didnt work.....

 

Good luck to you all!!!