He doesn't want to work it out, but he wants to still talk & sleep with me

[Winnie8405]

I am in love with my baby daddy. We were going to get married on Dec 31st, but we didn't. We didn't have the money to go to Jamaica like we had planned. We have a baby girl that was a planned pregnancy. We were together for 1 1/2 years. A few months ago, he started going to the bars every afternoon. I begged him to stop and that he is 30 years old and he needed to grow up and not act like he was in high school.

 

I supported our entire family and he didn't work. And when he did, he would keep the money to himself and buy cigarettes and alcohol. It got to the point he was picking his friends over me and I got sick of it. He also became a pot head and smoking weed every day. I knew he smoked it once in a while but he started smoking it multiple times a day. After months of this and him not paying attention, I decided to leave him even though I really didn't want to, but he needed to see that I was serious.

 

He left and ended up staying at his friends house and wouldn't talk to me so I left and moved back to the state I was orginally from.

 

2 weeks went by ND i TOLD HIM, IF HE COULD CUT BACK ON GOING OUT TO TWICE A week and if we could go to counselling that we could try to work it out. I love him and he is fun, but I can't be runner up to his friends.

 

Then he just came down here to see our baby and all he did was tell me how hot i WAS AND wanted to get down my pants. When he calls, he wants phone sex or he always some how reverts to some how talking about us having sex. I feel like an object to him. I know and I can't explain how I know he loves but. I think his pride is in the way and now he lives with his mom and she hates me because she said I hurt her son and I tried to take our baby away from him. He wouldn't talk to me and he doesn't talk about the future.

 

I don't know what to do, I am trying to get on with my life but he calls almost daily or emails me.

 

What should I do? Cut him off completely or plea with him or what? I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me, but he says to me all the time that I must be with someone. I think that is his way of me reassuring him that I am not with anyone. Any advice what to do?

[Davis]

Hey Winnie. Well, he has a multitude of addictive behaviors: alcohol, drugs and sex. These are all compulsions that he can't control. He has a compulsion to have sexual behavior with you or anyone. That's not love. Of course you feel like an object. That's because with his problem you are an object.

 

I would probably refuse to let him see your baby. It is unsafe for you and your baby. Also, he will have to go to Court to get visitation (which takes time) and with his addictions, that might not happen.

 

He needs to go to AA or Narc Anon (IF he even will) WITHOUT you. No, you cannot plead with him because he is an addict. You cannot be involved because that makes you co-dependent. I think you should go to Al Anon (different than AA) for families of addicts. They can probably give you some direction and support.

 

I know this is probably not what you want to hear nor what you might do, but it really is the only and best course of action. You're going to have to do this anyway, so you might as well save yourself a lot of pain and heartache and just do it now. Also, you may have to get a Restraining Order for your safety. Good luck.

[Winnie8406]

Thank you so much for your words. It really helps me put light to his behavior. I have understood it and I tried to understand it. But somethings just don't make sense.

 

Your right, maybe he didn't love me. But I thought because he got jealous of me hanging out with my ex, that he might have feelings. Can I be his object and he have feelings towards me. I guess the distance helps with him being 2 states away and I will do that. Not take his calls or emails. But what happens if 6 months down the road he says he changed and he wants to work it out? I guess i AM THinking or planning but I don't see it happening. But have you notive when you cut someone off completely, they seem to want to come back? I know in my past with my ex that I have a child with. They startusing the kid excuse. Let's get back for the the baby and so on. Any advice on that? I am trying to stay busy so the focus isn't on him anymore. But I think of him everyday. It's hard...

 

 

 

Hey Winnie. Well, he has a multitude of addictive behaviors: alcohol, drugs and sex. These are all compulsions that he can't control. He has a compulsion to have sexual behavior with you or anyone. That's not love. Of course you feel like an object. That's because with his problem you are an object.

 

I would probably refuse to let him see your baby. It is unsafe for you and your baby. Also, he will have to go to Court to get visitation (which takes time) and with his addictions, that might not happen.

 

He needs to go to AA or Narc Anon (IF he even will) WITHOUT you. No, you cannot plead with him because he is an addict. You cannot be involved because that makes you co-dependent. I think you should go to Al Anon (different than AA) for families of addicts. They can probably give you some direction and support.

 

I know this is probably not what you want to hear nor what you might do, but it really is the only and best course of action. You're going to have to do this anyway, so you might as well save yourself a lot of pain and heartache and just do it now. Also, you may have to get a Restraining Order for your safety. Good luck.

[Davis]

Thank you so much for your words. It really helps me put light to his behavior. I have understood it and I tried to understand it. But somethings just don't make sense.

 

Your right, maybe he didn't love me. But I thought because he got jealous of me hanging out with my ex, that he might have feelings. Can I be his object and he have feelings towards me. I guess the distance helps with him being 2 states away and I will do that. Not take his calls or emails. But what happens if 6 months down the road he says he changed and he wants to work it out? I guess i AM THinking or planning but I don't see it happening. But have you notive when you cut someone off completely, they seem to want to come back? I know in my past with my ex that I have a child with. They startusing the kid excuse. Let's get back for the the baby and so on. Any advice on that? I am trying to stay busy so the focus isn't on him anymore. But I think of him everyday. It's hard...

 

Of course it doesn't make much sense to us when others are messed up; we're not mixed up so it's difficult to understand their problems and dysfunction. Maybe I should clarify what I meant. I'm sure he does have feelings or even does love you. But the point is that because of his compulsion to have sex he is going to see you as an object and use you and anyone else for sex. It's all part of his various addictions. The possibility of an true, intimate relatioship for him at this point is nill. Thank God he's two states away!!! You have no idea how much that eases your situation!

 

What if he "changes" in six months? Girl are you still in denial? He is an addict and has to go through AA and so on. It's not if he says he's changed, it's if he has gone through a program and has actually changed. Even if he did that, the likeliness of it working would be slim because he's still an addict. Do you REALLY want to spend your life or years dealing with that?? Don't let him use your child as an excuse. I don't think getting back for the "child" is in the best interest of you child in any way. I think it's best for your child to have this man out of it's life and for you to find a good, solid guy that will take care of you and your baby.

 

You REALLY need to go to Al Anon. I think it will really help you. I think you should also listen to Dr. Laura if you don't already and maybe read one of her books. Whatever you think of her, she does have some solid advice for women in your position. Hang in there, you'll be ok!

[Reckless]

I know this is hard but this man does not sound like a good deal.

 

He is however father of your baby and if he requests time to see his child I think he should have SUPERVISED visits. I would establish that legally through the courts so there is no confusion.

 

As for a relationship with you, you should cut of ALL contact until he takes steps to get his act together. Explain that you will not be having sex (phone or otherwise) with him and that you will not be talking to him until he decides to seek help and get his priorities right (meaning his partner and his child before going out and partying). No emailing, texting, chatting on the phone, no nothing!

 

I know this is hard but he didn't support you or your child, takes drugs, drinks and only seems interested in sex. Don't sell youself short there are great men out there... this really doesn't sound like one of them.

[Guest]

Thank you so much for your words. It really helps me get through this tough time. I know I deserve so much better, but I guess I was wanting to get others points of view. I don't want him to tell me and make me feel guilty using our child. And the distance does help so he doesn't just show up on my door step. He has my attorney's phone number so I guess if he wants to communicate he will have to go through my attorney. I really appreciate you taking the time and everyone who has responded to me on this.

 

Thank you and thank you all for any responses and future responses. : )