daughter/wife problem

[ridingthebulls]

Have fun the next 20 years as a virtual slave. You sound like you lost your balls in the last divorce and they have never regrown. Maybe it's your desperation or need for companionship..... either way, you are letting your wife rule on issues she has no place even having an opinion in. YOU are bringing up disownment against your daughter yet... hell no! Your daughter should disown your a$$!

 

 

I disagree that the daughter comes first before your wife

 

Which probably has a LOT to do with children throwing their parents into a nursing home when they become too senile and inconvenient to deal with without harboring much guilt over it.

Am I wrong to think that NO ONE should come in between your children? Sorry, but I don't think so. You going to let every new broad who comes into your life walk all over you and your family? Have a nice life being a dirty broad's tampon which she uses and then flushes down when she's through and you'll be left with all the fallout with the family and by then they won't want you either!

And I refer to this woman as a broad because that's how you describe her as. A good for nothing broad who is jealous of your daughter for christs sake! If anything, you should have learned how to pick women better or don't marry!

[whichwayisup]

I just wonder what red flags were there before he got married? Was his daughter included in their wedding? Are the problems between them BECAUSE of an arguement to begin with or did that follow after she started telling you not to see/talk to your daughter.

 

Side note here, but the more I think of it, the more your situation is upsetting me. Your daughter only has ONE father...That's you. She's lucky as hell, just like you're lucky to have a loving and well brought up daughter. You love her, you cherish her - Because if you don't, god forbid something happens .................. I think you know where I'm going on this one....... My father died in 1993. There isn't a day that goes by I don't think of him and miss him. We were very close and if he were still alive today, we'd be just as close.

 

Work it out NOW with your daughter. Your new wife really should have NO say in your relationship with her.

 

Yes, it will probably hurt you to stand up to your wife, or possibly lose her in the process, but in all honesty - Ask yourself this. A lifetime of NO DAUGHTER or no wife.

 

Sorry to be blunt, but as I said earlier in my post, your situation is quite upsetting and it makes my blood boil that this so called wife of yours is doing this to you.

 

I bet she has issues and fights with her own family/friends? Holds grudges? Life is too short....

[ridingthebulls]

When I and her mom divorced, she really didn’t want anything to do with her daughter, seeing her only about 3 times in that period.

 

So really she only has one parent here and you are contemplating emotionally abandoning her like her mother did. Maybe you think fatherhood ends at the point where they leave the house. I'm sorry but being a parent is a role you play until you die.

 

After reading your post more thoroughly, I really hope it is fabricated because this is ridiculous:

My wife insisted that since I was married, I was to forsake all others and never go anywhere without her.

 

It doesn't sound at ALL like a "daughter/wife" issue, but a plain WIFE issue.

 

My wife doesn’t even want me answering the phone when she calls, or mentioning her name. She is upset that I didnt specifically tell my daughter "my wife comes first."

 

 

WTF! You are just as much of a basketcase if you are allowing this!

 

And please explain how your wife gets"HURT" over the relationship you have withyour daugther. She could care less about your feelings.

 

I really hope this whole thread is BS.

 

After reading all of that, I really wonder if your wife can maintain relationships with ANYONE other than you? It sounds like she feels she alone should be your whole life and the same vice-versa. Does she have a family? Or are the strict rules not confined to her? This sounds more like a prison sentence than a marriage. I have a feeling we are just scratching the surface of her abnormalcy.

 

If you are STILL separated, then your wife really needs to iron out her issues before the relationship is rekinlded.

[ranjon]

Thank you for all the replies. My wife and I went to a counselor and he noticed, as I have before, that she has unresolved issues from her past relationships that she is allowing to affect ours. We are currently separated, as of yesterday.

 

I am a Christian and believe in trying the best I can. I have put up with quite a bit from her because I love her and dont want a divorce. There are so many issues with us, but the daughter one is the most important to me. I can put up with the others.

 

Thanks again. (and yes, this post is for real - unfortunately)

[whichwayisup]

We are currently separated, as of yesterday.

 

I am sorry to hear that, but maybe it is the best for now. She can work out her issues and hopefully resolve them so you two can get back together and your marriage will be healthier.

 

Call your daughter today, and start rebuilding your relationship with her.

 

Keep posting too, there are tons of people who are willing to listen and help you through this. I'm sure separating wasn't an easy decision, stay strong.

[Starman]

Not to sound brash but I'd be kicking the bitch to the curb and I would see my daughter. You're not your wife's slave. If she can't even respect that then you should have nothing to do with her. I've heard of some selfish behavior in my life but this takes the cake.

 

You've known your daughter your WHOLE life, you RAISED her into the wonderful person she is today. Sorry but your current wife can't even compare in importance. Dump the bitch!

[IpAncA]

Frankly I'm speechless at what happend and the fact that your daughter was pushed away like that. If my father did that to me that would hurt like you wouldn't believe. Especially if I had a history like you and your daughter had.

 

I'm sorry but I can't even continue to respond to this.

[dropdeadlegs]

Let me set this up. I raised my daughter on my own from the time she was 9 until she left home to get married. When I and her mom divorced, she really didn’t want anything to do with her daughter, seeing her only about 3 times in that period. Wanting to be a good dad, I devoted most of my time to my daughter. I volunteered at school in her science class. We went everywhere together. As a teenager she never was embarrassed to be seen with me. I taught her how to cook, make a budget, etc. As a result, my daughter and I were very close. After she married, we had what we call daddy/daughter dates. Every other month or so we went out to eat just to talk and connect. We called each other at least 3 times a week.

This paragraph is a great story involving an unfortunate circumstance in the beginning (absent natural mother) and I enjoyed hearing this so much. What a lovely relationship between a parent and child.

I married again about one year ago. My wife insisted that since I was married, I was to forsake all others and never go anywhere without her. Well, that stopped the daddy/daughter dates. The issue heated up after my daughter wanted to take me out for my birthday, on a day that was convenient, just me and her. I explained that since I was married, my wife’s wishes came first and that she could come with us, but I couldn’t go alone. She really misses those dates with me and got very upset and hurt. So now my wife and daughter are not speaking. My wife doesn’t even want me answering the phone when she calls, or mentioning her name. She is upset that I didnt specifically tell my daughter "my wife comes first."

I feel like a big piece of the puzzle may be missing here in an effort to keep your post short. What I am hearing is that your daughter wanted a birthday outing with you alone, not with your wife and not with her husband. It sounds like it didn't even have to be on your actual birthday. That seems a reasonable request. When you declined citing "forsaking all others" your daughter was upset at your decision. She became very hurt and upset. That seems like a normal reaction. Are you saying that she blames your wife and that is why your daughter is no longer speaking to your wife? Are you also saying that your wife doesn't speak to your daughter or speak her name because you didn't say to your daughter that your wife comes first? I am understanding your daughters reaction even though I think her anger should be directed at you as much as your wife, yet her love for you probably allows for some forgiveness for you. I cannot understand your wife's point of anger towards your daughter based on my understanding up to this point. Where is the "falling out" you spoke of?

Well, while we were separated, my daughter called and wanted me to notarize some papers, and since we were separated (while trying to reconcile and get our marriage going), I went over to her house. Well, my wife got extremely upset that i even called her, let alone went over to her house. I really miss the relationship my daughter and I used to have, but also really love my wife too, and dont really want to do anything to hurt her or make her feel bad. I would sure welcome your advice on what to do. thanks very much.

Please tell me what it is that you love about your wife, a person who has created such a wedge in the most important relationship in your life, a relationship you miss badly. What are her redeeming factors, what about her attracted you to her in the first place.

 

Anyone who would demand cutting out your child is just not worthy of the love you have to offer, in my opinion. That request should have never been made, and more importantly should have been declined as a complete deal breaker of any relationship you have with anyone at all. Where does this kind of demand end? Can you not share your life with future grandchildren unless your wife is present? Where does the insecurity or jealousy stop?

 

People with children are package deals, you either accept the entire package or your reject it.

 

Personal autonomy doesn't end with marriage or Christianity. I assume that your wife is also a Christian, and isn't that faith based on love and forgiveness? I know some factions are more strict than others but I have never heard that the Bible touts familial fracture and never going anywhere without ones spouse.

 

You obviously see the issue concerning your daughter as important, but please allow your counselor to explore those issues that you say you can handle while you are separated and can set serious boundaries for any further reconciliation. There are times to stand by your wife and times to stand by your daughter and having to make that kind of choice in your situation should be rare. Nobody has to be "number one", really, as they have very different places in your life. I think that if you are forced to choose who is number one you should definitely choose your daughter. Still, you wouldn't have to choose at all with a reasonable wife.

 

I have heard many people say that if a significant other forces a choice that they will regret that request. Children come before spouses. Especially 2nd spouses.

 

I sure hope this goes well for all of you, but I'm in your daughters corner if I had to pick one.

[ranjon]

my wife was mad because i didnt tell my daughter that my wife comes first and her wishes come before her. my daughter is mad because she sees my wife as taking me away from her.

 

thanks for the replies and advice. God bless.

[Lennox]

Ranjon, I think your wife is misinterpreting the bible's position on marriage. According to the bible, you're supposed to put your wife first. BUT!!!! Your wife is in turn supposed to regard you as her head as Christ is your head.

 

Putting your wife first does not mean that you must cater to her every whim, just as her being subjective to you does not mean that she becomes your slave.

 

Since your situation involves religious issues, you should probably see a qualified, Christian psychiatrist to do your marriage counseling. Someone that has "book learned" religion cannot provide you with the sort of counseling that you need. I seriously think she has a very skewed perception of what a biblical marriage is supposed to be about.

 

BTW, how old is she and how old are you?

[whichwayisup]

my wife was mad because i didnt tell my daughter that my wife comes first and her wishes come before her. my daughter is mad because she sees my wife as taking me away from her.

 

thanks for the replies and advice. God bless.

 

Does your wife have any of her own children? My guess is no...She is your wife, not your mom, not your "keeper". She must realize that your daughter is just as important as her! People get divorced if a marriage doesn't work out, but your children are your children and in your life forever, no matter what...Remember that, please.

 

And, your daughter is upset because YOU didn't stand your ground, make her feel as important as she was to you before this new wife came into the picture.

 

I hope things get better.

[Capatinacen]

my wife was mad because i didnt tell my daughter that my wife comes first and her wishes come before her. my daughter is mad because she sees my wife as taking me away from her.

 

thanks for the replies and advice. God bless.

 

Someone doesn't like your daughter very much. I smell jealously.

 

But what I can't grasp is that you let your W control you that led to your daughter being pushed away.

 

Why would you do that? Do you not see anything wrong with that picture?

[Tuesmorn]

Dude.... You sound SO much like some folks I know. Lemme tell you their story... T & S have a daughter together. Daughter (K) is 11-ish, T&S get divorced, K stays with dad. Since T is a friend of mine, I suggest he & K move in next door (husband's family owns the land and several rental houses). So they do, and all is well. Then T gets lonely, and meets a woman on the internet, who lives in New York. They chat for a while, then she winds up moving down here (south) to be with him. They get married. Problems immediately ensure between new wife (M) and K. K is now 15, and not allowed to bring any of her friends over. When she turns 16, she is not allowed to get her driver's license until she has a job (but can't get out to apply because she has no car or license). My H and I taught her how to drive and took her to get her license (and paid for it). She is made to stay in her room all the time, and away from them. Needless to say, she gets fed up, and moves out at age 17, also dropping out of school. Now, *she* is not allowed to come over to visit anymore, unless she has made an appointment ahead of time and been given permission. Since M moved in, she constantly yelled at K, belittled her, and controlled her, and also controlled T's behavior. She forbid T to see K after K had moved out. And honestly, by that point, K had lost so much respect for her father that she didn't want to see him anyway. She got married, and at least T & M came to the reception (not the wedding, though). She then moved out of state, maintaining contact with all of her friends, but not her dad. She moved back last year, and after coming over to visit us but avoiding letting her dad (right next door) see her, she *finally* called him at work. Now they see each other every Sunday, but without M's knowledge, because she would flip out.

 

Can you *believe* that? It sounds absolutely insane! But it happened right next door to us. I just don't understand how a man can ditch his daughter, whom he effectively raised, for a piece of *ss. I really don't. T&M, by the way, have NO friends. No one ever visits them. Not even family. His family has all disowned him, because of how M treated them (his dad's car broke down passing through town on the way to Fla, but M wouldn't let him come in the house just to make a phone call, much less stay for a while). They never leave their house except to take the dog out. The doors and windows are always shut, the blinds are drawn. It's nothing short of bizarre.

 

Dude, please don't be the guy next door to me. Grow some balls. Your daughter will *always* be your daughter, and you will have that relationship until the day you die. Your wife? Not so much, by the sounds of it. And don't mistake severe dependency issues (on your part) for "love." Get some therapy - soon. Spousal abuse doesn't just happen to women, unfortunately.

[ranjon]

See my other post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t114333/

[Bree]

That is the ****iest attitude a wife can possibly have! You should definetly put your foot down and tell your wife that you will spend time with your daughter whenever you damn well Please...

[ranjon]

well, my wife she said if i couldnt do what she asked (not go anywhere without her, lose my cell phone, not talk to my daughter) then she was filing for divorce. well, i told her i couldnt agree to that, so she filed for divorce yesterday.

 

we are still talking. the love is just so great when we are together, but if we start disagreeing, it turns evil quick!!

[tanbark813]

so she filed for divorce yesterday.

 

F**k her. At least you'll be able to repair things with your daughter.

[Lezbean]

well, my wife she said if i couldnt do what she asked (not go anywhere without her, lose my cell phone, not talk to my daughter) then she was filing for divorce. well, i told her i couldnt agree to that, so she filed for divorce yesterday.

 

we are still talking. the love is just so great when we are together, but if we start disagreeing, it turns evil quick!!

 

 

Thank God and Congrats!!!!

 

You will be much happier. What a control FREAK!

 

There are many more wonderful women out there who will actually support a close relationship with your daughter.

 

I'm sorry, but your soon to be ex is a total nut job.

 

I hope you start spending a lot more time with your daughter and the divorce is a quick one. You've done the right thing.

[dropdeadlegs]

While it was your wife who ultimately made the decision to divorce, I support that you are no longer caving in to her irrational ideas. To me it sounds like her idea of commitment involves being on a deserted island with her significant other.

 

Have you told your daughter about the turn of events? She will be so happy to be able to have her Dad in her life once again. You may have to eat some crow, but repair the damage and know that you will certainly come across a woman who can live in reality with all of you as a family. I'm sure your daughter will be able to forgive and forget as long as you continue to make sincere amends.

 

Good luck, ranjon.