ranjon Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Let me set this up. I raised my daughter on my own from the time she was 9 until she left home to get married. When I and her mom divorced, she really didn’t want anything to do with her daughter, seeing her only about 3 times in that period. Wanting to be a good dad, I devoted most of my time to my daughter. I volunteered at school in her science class. We went everywhere together. As a teenager she never was embarrassed to be seen with me. I taught her how to cook, make a budget, etc. As a result, my daughter and I were very close. After she married, we had what we call daddy/daughter dates. Every other month or so we went out to eat just to talk and connect. We called each other at least 3 times a week. I married again about one year ago. My wife insisted that since I was married, I was to forsake all others and never go anywhere without her. Well, that stopped the daddy/daughter dates. The issue heated up after my daughter wanted to take me out for my birthday, on a day that was convenient, just me and her. I explained that since I was married, my wife’s wishes came first and that she could come with us, but I couldn’t go alone. She really misses those dates with me and got very upset and hurt. So now my wife and daughter are not speaking. My wife doesn’t even want me answering the phone when she calls, or mentioning her name. She is upset that I didnt specifically tell my daughter "my wife comes first." Well, while we were separated, my daughter called and wanted me to notarize some papers, and since we were separated (while trying to reconcile and get our marriage going), I went over to her house. Well, my wife got extremely upset that i even called her, let alone went over to her house. I really miss the relationship my daughter and I used to have, but also really love my wife too, and dont really want to do anything to hurt her or make her feel bad. I would sure welcome your advice on what to do. thanks very much.
mockeryjones Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 if your wife has a problem with you being a parent to your daughter and maintaining a private relationship with her, then your wife is bitch that needs to be kicked out ASAP. do not tolerate this from your wife. it's unacceptable. if you tolerate it and accede to her wishes in even the least on this issue, you are failing your job as a parent. being a parent comes before being a husband until the day you die.
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 I married again about one year ago. My wife insisted that since I was married, I was to forsake all others and never go anywhere without her. Well, that stopped the daddy/daughter dates. First off, that is SO WRONG of your new wife to control you like that. Couples that are married still have to have their own time, and spending time alone with your daughter is somehing your new wife MUST deal with. That's controlling behaviour, and to be honest, it's BULLCRAP. Sounds more like she's jealous and insecure, wants you for herself, rather than see you in a loving light on how amazing your relationship is with your daughter and encouraging you to keep the daddy/daughter dates. WTF. Sorry, that really irks me that your new wife is jealous of your own daughter. It does sound like your new wife needs to get to know your daughter as well, she can be included, but not all the dad/daughter times you two have alone. Don't settle on this one, no matter how much you love your wife. Make her understand how childish SHE is being! Hopefully she'll let you in on why she feels the need to keep you on a leash!
milvushina Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 I see where you were going by telling your daughter that you respect your wife's wishes if they disagree. But in this case it is so obvious the daughter is being reasonable and the wife is not. Wtf?? She gets mad because you called YOUR daughter, went to YOUR daughter's house? If I was your daughter, I wouldn't speak to her either. It is characteristic of controlling behavior I think to try and alienate a partner from those they love. It makes them completely dependent on the person since everyone else gets run off. There is no way I would stand for someone trying to pull this crap with my parent/child. Jeez she sounds like the stereotypical "wicked stepmother"
Jinxx Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 My wife insisted that since I was married, I was to forsake all others and never go anywhere without her. Well, that stopped the daddy/daughter dates. No, no, no, no, no!!!! This is wrong. I am a former stepmother. Your wife is completely out of line here. You do not stop being a father to your daughter just because you remarried. Sounds like your wife is jealous of the relationship you share with your daughter.
Topper Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 I Take it that your wife does not have kids of her own?
tanbark813 Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Find your balls and put your wife in her place. She's way out of line. Why are you letting her tell you what to do with regard to your daughter?
norajane Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 I honestly cannot understand how, as a father who clearly cares very deeply for his daughter, you could ever in a million zillion years stop visiting and talking with her just because your loony new wife says you should. Your wife is mistaken on the meaning of your marriage vows! "Forsaking all others" does not mean abandoning your children! It means being monogamous - not having relationships with other women - and that does not apply to your children! You should be grateful your daughter is still speaking to you. She has every right to be angry with you for cutting off contact to please your controlling wife. Frankly, it sounds like you should divorce your wife before she completely destroys your relationship with your daughter. I'm honestly having trouble believing this post is for real. You really think your wife has a right to tell you not to see your daughter?
Guest Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 I can relate to your story. I was the daughter. my father was spineless, let new wife control everything. Could not even talk to him on the phone in private, she insisted on putting me on the speaker phone. This is his 3 wife, last one was just as bad. Soooooo I got tired, now in my my forties, I terminated our relationship for good. You see, your daughter was there first, no new wife has the right to push aside your children. And if you allow her to do this , shame on you. You are in my eyes just as spinless as my father was. My advice to you is take your power back, before your daughter has enough like i did, Is been 3 years with no contact. I am done. I would not even attend his funeral when he dies, I could care less at this point. wives come and go, but your children are your flesh and blood, remember that. You may suggewst your wife go to counceling, sound like she has no self esteem, which is her problem not yours
Mr. Lucky Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 I honestly cannot understand how, as a father who clearly cares very deeply for his daughter, you could ever in a million zillion years stop visiting and talking with her just because your loony new wife says you should. Absolutely agree. It's a long way from "I dedicated my life to my daughter since she was 9 years old" to "I won't see or talk to her unless my wife says it is OK". Were you this easily disenfranchised from your own child when she was living under your roof? I also don't believe that this didn't rear its ugly head until you remarried. You must have ignored some huge red flags during your courtship, otherwise seems like you could have seen this coming. As a single Dad, when I remarried, my wife had to pass two tests - she had to love me AND she had to love my children. Otherwise, no go... Mr. Lucky
Guest Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 BLOOD is thicker then water. that is your DAUGHTER. family comes first.... or at least, it should. what happens 10 years down the line when you have no relationship left with your daughter, and you and the wife finally split up or something? what then? if you allow this sort of thing to continue, you are going to lose that relationship with your daughter entirely. i'm also willing to bet your daughter is a lot more hurt then she's letting on. if my father put his wife before me, i'd be absolutely devastated. again, i say... blood is thicker then water.
whichwayisup Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 Ranjon I really hope you post back soon. And, take into consideration all that we've been saying. Your daughter IS so important, don't let your new wife push your baby girl out of your life. You'll regret it. A suggestion, you and your wife go to marriage counselling together. Your wife needs to deal with her control and insecurity issues before she ruins the marriage.
Gunny376 Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 I've seen this type of mentality before ~ where the step parent (more times than not a woman) insists on what your wife is ~ no contest ~ I'd dump the wife, if she's this neuortic over your relatiolnship with your daughter your life of pain, misery, and suffering is onlly beginning if you stay with this woman ~ this is a hugh red flag!
BlueEyedSarah Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 Your daughter should come first, not your new wife.
Ladyjane14 Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 ...if she's this neuortic over your relatiolnship with your daughter your life of pain, misery, and suffering is onlly beginning if you stay with this woman... I'm thinking the same thing. The 'tip of the iceburg' might look like a MOUNTAIN when it's something this blatent. But an iceburg is still an iceburg, right? There's probably a whole lot more 'CRAZY' underneath.... more than just the part you can see.
quankanne Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 a good wife encourages her husband to maintain his ties to his family, be they his children, his siblings or his parents, because THEY are a huge part of his identity. your daddy-daughter days sound like a really sweet tradition to start, so by all means, start doing them again. Your bxtch of a wife might not like that, but remember, your child is never, ever expendable, and you may want to reconsider your marriage to the woman who tells you otherwise.
Author ranjon Posted March 3, 2007 Author Posted March 3, 2007 Thank you all so much for the replies. I had thought that I was wrong in this situation. Well, my wife and I went to counseling today, but it looks like it's not going to work. Yes, she has a lot of insecurities. I do really love her, but just dont understand why she gets so upset with me contacting my daughter. Even though they had a falling out - she should still do two things: forgive my daughter, and not let that be a reason to keep me from contacting her. My daughter is so wonderful. She still loves me, although she told me she lost all respect for me since I let my wife keep me from contacting her. But I am hoping that will come back in time (respect is earned). My wife is number one, but I dont think that means I am to disown my daughter. Thank you all so much. I just needed to know that I am not crazy for wanting to call my daughter.
sb129 Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 Hey dude- ur wife is NOT number one. your DAUGHTER is. Your wife needs more therapy than one session to realise this. Your daughter sounds like a great girl- you should be proud.
reddog63 Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 Let me set this up. I raised my daughter on my own from the time she was 9 until she left home to get married. When I and her mom divorced, she really didn’t want anything to do with her daughter, seeing her only about 3 times in that period. Wanting to be a good dad, I devoted most of my time to my daughter. I volunteered at school in her science class. We went everywhere together. As a teenager she never was embarrassed to be seen with me. I taught her how to cook, make a budget, etc. As a result, my daughter and I were very close. After she married, we had what we call daddy/daughter dates. Every other month or so we went out to eat just to talk and connect. We called each other at least 3 times a week. I married again about one year ago. My wife insisted that since I was married, I was to forsake all others and never go anywhere without her. Well, that stopped the daddy/daughter dates. The issue heated up after my daughter wanted to take me out for my birthday, on a day that was convenient, just me and her. I explained that since I was married, my wife’s wishes came first and that she could come with us, but I couldn’t go alone. She really misses those dates with me and got very upset and hurt. So now my wife and daughter are not speaking. My wife doesn’t even want me answering the phone when she calls, or mentioning her name. She is upset that I didnt specifically tell my daughter "my wife comes first." Well, while we were separated, my daughter called and wanted me to notarize some papers, and since we were separated (while trying to reconcile and get our marriage going), I went over to her house. Well, my wife got extremely upset that i even called her, let alone went over to her house. I really miss the relationship my daughter and I used to have, but also really love my wife too, and dont really want to do anything to hurt her or make her feel bad. I would sure welcome your advice on what to do. thanks very much. I think your making a big mistake. I have kids, my priority would be keeping close to my daughter. Any woman who would try and discourage that would be out on her ass. Sad thing is you do not automatically know this is the right way to look at this situation. No pussy is worth ruining relationship of daughers........new wife sounds like a bitch.
whichwayisup Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 Thank you all so much for the replies. I had thought that I was wrong in this situation. Well, my wife and I went to counseling today, but it looks like it's not going to work. Yes, she has a lot of insecurities. I do really love her, but just dont understand why she gets so upset with me contacting my daughter. Even though they had a falling out - she should still do two things: forgive my daughter, and not let that be a reason to keep me from contacting her. My daughter is so wonderful. She still loves me, although she told me she lost all respect for me since I let my wife keep me from contacting her. But I am hoping that will come back in time (respect is earned). My wife is number one, but I dont think that means I am to disown my daughter. Thank you all so much. I just needed to know that I am not crazy for wanting to call my daughter. You are not crazy for wanting to call your daughter, or have her to be in BIG part of your life. This is your WIFE'S PROBLEM, as she is jealous and wants to be the only woman in your life. She needs one on one counselling as well so she can deal with her issues. Do NOT turn your back on your daughter, you'll live to regret it...... Work to get that respect back from your daughter. Start by spending some alone time with her. I'm sure she misses you alot. Eventually your new wife and your daughter need to talk things out - Get to know eachother and understand eachother...For some reason your wife feels very threatened by her...And she shouldn't. She should be enjoying the fact that you raised such an amazing person...Not shutting you out of your own kids life. Please, don't think that after going to one session things are OK. Keep going until this issue is resolved.
americat Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 You have been together with your daughter since birth and she is the one that REALLY loves you. I'm sorry, but a wife is a wife.. much less a NEW WIFE! Your daughter has never done anything wrong with your wife or you but ask for private attention from you which is NORMAL and your wife is a VERY CONTROLLING NUTCASE that needs to be divorced. I'm sorry, but a woman who would try to come between your daughter and yourself infringing on YOUR happiness does not really love you. She's a selfish witch who will always think about herself and her needs before your own. Jealous of your daughter? That's a new one! What's next??????= that's what you should be asking yourself because behavior like this only escalates if not dealt with. No offense but your attitude that this monstrous wife is number one should get you DISOWNED by your daughter. Eventuallly she'll get sick of your crap because you are not acting like a father right now. You're acting like an idiot just like your stupid a wife. CHILDREN ALWAYS COME FIRST! Don't forget that buddy! Thank god you didn't remarry before your daughter left the house because it seems like the same thing would have happened. And likely you wouldn't have much of a relationship at all with her now. I speak with some experience of my own and people I know who's parents let their idiotic boyfriends etc come first. Stop acting like a little sissy boy and be the man in your house and put your wife in her place when she needs to be.
Lennox Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 Is there any way that your wife and daughter would agree to joint counseling so maybe they can hash things out? Not to bash on you as a man, but there are a lot of things that happen between women that men don't necessarily pick up on. Now, your daughter is a grown woman and married herself. I disagree that the daughter comes first before your wife, I just wonder if your wife is really fulfilling the role of a wife to you in the first place. I think the Step mom would naturally give your daughter some motherly affection if she's really a grown and mature woman herself. Does she think that your daughter is coming up with schemes with you so you can have time to do something else she doesn't know about? BTW, how old are you and how old is your wife?
justpassingthrough Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 I would sure welcome your advice on what to do. Married one year and she's already managed to wreck your relationship with your daughter and you've been separated once? This isn't looking so good already. Sure, therapy might help your wife sort out her twisted view of what marriage means, something you surely should have hashed out before the nuptuals but didn't. And it might help you sort out why you've allowed it to spiral out of control like this. However, I believe there's deeper problems than meet the eye. What to do? Well, you're a grown man and you can certainly do what you want. But, IMO, if you choose to stay in this marriage you aren't going to be a happy man.
whichwayisup Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 but there are a lot of things that happen between women that men don't necessarily pick up on. Very true. Your wife could easily be manipulating you, controlling you in such small ways you wouldn't even notice it. I have to ask, but were there any red flags before you got married? Was she odd around your daughter BEFORE you got married? Or did all that just change overnight once married? Great idea, your new wife, your daughter and you go to family counselling together.
Gunny376 Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Very true. Your wife could easily be manipulating you, controlling you in such small ways you wouldn't even notice it. I have to ask, but were there any red flags before you got married? Was she odd around your daughter BEFORE you got married? Or did all that just change overnight once married? Great idea, your new wife, your daughter and you go to family counselling together. Even better idea! Dump the wife! Ugh! Ugh! Sign me up for a forty years of this!!!!!
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