Rintintin Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 My boyfriend told me that he needs time for himself, his friends and family.. because all of his time is spent with either me or at work. This was 3 weeks ago: and lately he's been spending time with his friends and family or at home playing video games, and barely seeing me (i mean like 20 minutes a week) and he says he wants time to miss me.. but i don't get it.. it also doesnt help that im an extremely emotional person and i feel like somethings wrong.. i've been crying daily because i just don't know how to make things better.. i feel like something is wrong. i think this is also pushing him away.. because he feels like i am dependant on him.. but it just hurts.. it felt like a blow and like he was saying he didn't want to see me.. I'm the first person he's ever dated seriously and i can't help but wonder if it's an experience thing or if i'm just over reacting... how do i make myself feel better and less crazy??? or find out if its more than just space he needs.
wookinpanub Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 The wonderful thing about guys is most of the time, when we say something, we mean it. I believe this is the case with him. From what you are describing, I have been in the same boat as your boyfriend with my last girlfriend. I wouldn't worry if I were you. It is not that he doesn't want to be with you anymore. He just wants time to himself and to see his friends. Rather than let yourself get upset over it, go out with your friends, or go visit some family you haven't seen for a while.
Guest Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 The wonderful thing about guys is most of the time, when we say something, we mean it. I believe this is the case with him. From what you are describing, I have been in the same boat as your boyfriend with my last girlfriend. I wouldn't worry if I were you. It is not that he doesn't want to be with you anymore. He just wants time to himself and to see his friends. Rather than let yourself get upset over it, go out with your friends, or go visit some family you haven't seen for a while. Thanks Wookin, that helped to reassure me
Lishy Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Ok try this ... Dont call him and when he calls you BE BUSY and be HAVING FUN!!!!!!!!!! You are right hon, something IS wrong - He feels too overwhelmed with you and he is backing off as he is scared You have 2 options 1. Get on the phone crying about how much you miss him, and need him and tell him how you feel something is wrong and that you are losing him The result will likely be that he will feel even more ubder pressure and stop calling altogether Option 2 Go out, have fun, DONT CALL HIM but when he calls you be happy and BUSY and DO NOT ask him what he is up to - He says he wants to miss you? let him! Likely result ... He will remember the reason he has chosen you as his first relationship. Thats my 2 cents worth anyway! Good luck and ps: No man likes a clingy, insecure girl - Be confident honey
Karin Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 Thanks so much, thats really helpful, do you think I should answer his phone calls or not?
lipglossandpiink2010 Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 Well, sounds to me that you are kindof dependant of him. If he wants time with his friends and family than maybe you need to let him have time. [Not to sound so blunt] but i mean, if he wants time to miss you that means that he's trying to figure out how much he really cares...if you don't have much time apart, you can never really find out how strong your love really is. dont overeact about it just yet, unless the signs get worse and he just doesnt want to have nothing to do with you. just take time, spend time with your friends and family as well, and pretty soon you both will be doing great again in no time! GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!!
jgaz3124 Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 I completely agree with Lishy!!! My last relationship ended because I was in the same situation that you are in now. He needed his space and so therefore I proceed to hold on to him even tighter. I lost him because of it ( well that and many other reasons) I was very insecure and very clingy. It not only made him unhappy but it also made me very unhappy. Now that I am not with him or any guy for that matter right now I am happier then I have been in awhile. I have gained self respect and I am learning to depend on only me for my happiness. The lesson to be learned here is to have your own life and don't worry about him. He needs his space so give it to him and while you are at it give yourself space to see if this relationship is even everything you want. Remember you come first in your own life, take this time to hang out with friends and gain the confidence that you need.
BlueEyedSarah Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 He needs space, give it to him, don't call him or talk to him for a while. let him wonder whats up, let him miss you. Guys don't seem to really like to emotional girls. I am an emotional person and it just seems to push the guys away. Go out yourself, have fun, join clubs, meet new friends and new people, see your own family members, do housework, go for walks, keep your mind occupied all the time. It makes time go by fast and you will have less time to get emotional when your mind is occupied.
Island Girl Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 it also doesnt help that im an extremely emotional person and i feel like somethings wrong.. i've been crying daily because i just don't know how to make things better.. i feel like something is wrong. i think this is also pushing him away.. because he feels like i am dependant on him.. but it just hurts.. it felt like a blow and like he was saying he didn't want to see me.. This WILL push him away. So stop it. You need to be in control of yourself - no matter what. Desperation and neediness is NEVER attractive. Even the guys with the "Knight In Shining Armour" complex can't deal with this long term. He has told you how he feels. He needs time to miss you. My guess is he cares for you - a lot - but he was feeling like his life was becoming more yours than his. He was feeling a little smothered. If you give him space and do other things than listen to you cry and plead with him (which is so constantly draining) he'll be better for it and so will you. Fill your time with other people and other things. Stay busy. VERY busy. And start to value yourself a bit more.
Walk Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 I agree with all the responses about giving him space. I'd also like to add that I think you should let him know you're all for him spending more time with family/friends/alone time. That you want him to do this... give him positive vibes that you are happy with this and you're going to occupy yourself with other things. This does two things: If he's feeling smoothered, he may also be assuming you're incredibly unwilling to give this time to him. That he had to forcibly take it from you. And no one likes to have to take something they need in a relationship. We want our partners to WANT to give it to us because they love us. Not have them imply we're evil people who only cause pain. Second: this offsets that little part in the back of his brain that says you're sitting at home desperately waiting for him to come back. It'll create a bit of uncertainty that you won't find someone more interesting, more exciting while he's away. Which could get him thinking about the aspect of actually losing you if he isn't around to meet those needs that you have. And potentially bring him back quicker. Big point though... if you're able to convince both of you that you're able to have your own life without him in it... then when he comes back, find a better comprimise for time together time and time apart. Give him permission to spend time with his friends and family without you having to be there. If he's talking with the guys and you even glimpse the idea that he might want to hang out with them, then suggest he do that. Give him freedom to choose what he wants to do. Chances are he'll choose you. But it's the idea of freedom most people want. We want the ability to choose our own path. not feel forced into something out of guilt or obligation. Give him the freedom to choose you. Remove the guilt, the feeling like an ass for wanting a night out, without feeling torn between wanting to see family and making you upset if he wants to go. Give him the belief that he is free to choose without an emotional retribution from you for his choice. There's power in that. And once he see's you aren't attempting to hold him, he'll be happy to stick to you like glue... because now it will be his choice. One made freely.
trulycute Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 excellent advice "Walk" that i will also take b/c i need it too!!...lol... i do find when i tell my bf to go out with his friends sometimes he will and will be really happy about it or he'll say no and hang out with me instead.... i told him that next wknd (we usually spend 2 days of the wknd together--long distance--1 hr away), that we'll spend friday night together and then he can have the rest of the wknd to himself and he seemed okay with that (meanwhile i want to see him all the time), and a little part of me felt rejected that he'd rather spend free time with other people than with me--sounds selfish but a little part of me felt that way....he's been mentioning about needing some time for the other things in his life and that he has to fit it in somehow on the wknds b/c he works extremely long hours during the week. its hard to juggle everything and everyone and i will gladly give him his own time but i still miss him like crazy and want to see him....i just can't let him know that too much...lol... once again "Walk" ur posting made such complete sense and i will take it to heart....thanks alot for posting it!!
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