ratingsguy Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Hi everyone, I'm in NC mode with my separated MW until May. It looks like I got through the first month. Admittedly, I have been feeling better. I still have occassional breakdowns, and I still miss her and love her deeply. It does hurt, but the hurt is going away. There has been no contact in any form between the two of us. I haven't broken NC, and neither has she (although sometimes I wish she would). I made the mistake of driving past her house today. I know, I know. My barber is not too far from where she lives, so after I got my hair cut, I decided to drive by. I have a rental car right now, so if she was outside or something, she wouldn't recignize it. I don't know why I felt the need to do it, but I did it. I haven't had a breakdown in a few days, but as I was driving away I began to feel really sad. It's hard to get someone out of your head when you think about that person every hour of every day... and this didn't help either. The time apart has made me think and also allowed me to see her in a somewhat different light. I think to myself, yes she was wonderful and treated me incredibly well... BUT she lied to her husband, her kids, her family, and more than likely me. Despite the fact that she was in a loveless marriage, she still did commit adultery, which is a very selfish thing. I understand why she did it, but that doesn't make it right, and it does ultimately reflect on her integrity, character, and my abilty to trust her in the long run. When we get together in May, I'm just going to ask her to be brutally honest with me about "us". I guess that's IF we get together. A small but growing part of me is thinking that by then I may not even be interested. Who knows. For right now, I still miss her with all my heart as sad as that may sound. Her feelings for me are real, but the timing was terrible... and I understand... again, as sad as that may sound.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Hey RT, You're doing amazingly well and showing considerable strength in your NC. Its easy to say "well done" from someone who isn't in NC, but I can imagine how much I would want to break it with my MM. Dont be too hard on yourself about driving past her house - everyone should make the most of a rental car lol . In some way, I sort of hope you DO get over her by May. It would just be so ironic that she is looking to see if the grass is greener on the other side of you, and then upon return it is actually YOU that has found the grass is greener. I dont know why I feel that way, I guess I just want her to take one for the team of all of those MW/MM out there who use loving and giving OM/OW (some anyway) as a vehicle out of their marriages. Did she ask to meet in May or did you?
Jinxx Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 For right now, I still miss her with all my heart as sad as that may sound. Her feelings for me are real, but the timing was terrible... and I understand... again, as sad as that may sound. All perfectly normal even if the timing was bad. Before you know it May will be here and hopefully you'll the answers and/or closure you need.
Izzar Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 RG, What is supposed to happen in May? I think I may have missed parts of your posts. Sorry!
Guest Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Well done RG, I know it's hard. As for driving past her house, don't make a habit of it. I did the same thingwith my exmm and one day he was walking down the street and I stopped and the NC was broken. We spoke (about the weather and other small talk) but it still fed my need to see him. The trouble was it set me back to the first day of NC and I felt terrible afterwards. I thought that I should have said this or that, or why didn't he say he was missing me. Then a week later we both found ourselves in the shopping mall in a book store where you could sit and have coffee. The temptation was too great and I started going there at a time I thought he would be there--trying to get there earlier so it didn't look like I was "chasing after him". He alo started going into the book store and we would pretend we hadn't seen each other, no eye contact and then one of us would make a move. I decided that he must still be involved with me or he wouldn't keep going there. It's not the only book store in town. But then I started getting frustrated because he didn't say anything to give me any hope that he wanted to call me or meet up. I realised that I was feeding his ego and that I was prolonging the hurt. He knew I wasn't moving on, and he was waiting for me to cave in and go back on HIS terms. The more this happened, the more desperate I became, until I realised that I needed to break the habit. Simple, I went to another book store and varied my times. So the moto is, do not frequent the places that she does or go near her house, because it will become an addiction making it harder for you to move on. If she goes out in her car you will be tempted to follow her and that will get you wondering if she is visiting another man. Didn't have that problem with my xmm because he didn't/couldn't drive--another thing that gave him low self esteem. I thought that I was over him inside 3 weeks but that is rubbish. So what you areexperiencing is very normal but just remembr that if she truly loves you, she will be back, because true love has that effect on people.
Author ratingsguy Posted March 2, 2007 Author Posted March 2, 2007 RG, What is supposed to happen in May? I think I may have missed parts of your posts. Sorry! No problem. In May we're going to get together again and see where we stand. My NC isn't permanent (not now anyway) because my situation is a little different from most. My MW actually DID separate from her H, and the divorce is supposed to be final by summer. Shortly after she separated on Jan. 1, she started to pull away from me... which as it turns out is normal for anyone going through a separation (according to other LS members, friends and my therapst)... as she needs time to herself to adjust to the many changes in her life after 22 years of marriage. Her therapist also recommended it. This has been tough on both of us... although probably moreso me. My MW wanted to stay friends and still see each other (only less frequently), and I said that we couldn't be friends. I said give me a few months and we'll regroup in May and see where we are then. It's been difficult, but through NC I think I'm getting the message accross to her that I'm serious about her and me... and it will be more clear when we see each other again. In the meantime, I have a date Saturday night in Atlantic City... that should take my mind off things.
Izzar Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 RG, Thanks for that info. And much luck to you!! Have a great time in A.C.!!!!
puddleofmud Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 RG: sound like you are doing a very good job about being realistic and just being, well, YOU-- as you are such a great guy! Glad to hear about your date as well--no matter how that "turns" out you are making the effort to do what is good for you... Keep up the good work and so glad to hear from you, as always.
Meaplus3 Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Hi everyone, I'm in NC mode with my separated MW until May. It looks like I got through the first month. Admittedly, I have been feeling better. I still have occassional breakdowns, and I still miss her and love her deeply. It does hurt, but the hurt is going away. There has been no contact in any form between the two of us. I haven't broken NC, and neither has she (although sometimes I wish she would). I made the mistake of driving past her house today. I know, I know. My barber is not too far from where she lives, so after I got my hair cut, I decided to drive by. I have a rental car right now, so if she was outside or something, she wouldn't recignize it. I don't know why I felt the need to do it, but I did it. I haven't had a breakdown in a few days, but as I was driving away I began to feel really sad. It's hard to get someone out of your head when you think about that person every hour of every day... and this didn't help either. The time apart has made me think and also allowed me to see her in a somewhat different light. I think to myself, yes she was wonderful and treated me incredibly well... BUT she lied to her husband, her kids, her family, and more than likely me. Despite the fact that she was in a loveless marriage, she still did commit adultery, which is a very selfish thing. I understand why she did it, but that doesn't make it right, and it does ultimately reflect on her integrity, character, and my abilty to trust her in the long run. When we get together in May, I'm just going to ask her to be brutally honest with me about "us". I guess that's IF we get together. A small but growing part of me is thinking that by then I may not even be interested. Who knows. For right now, I still miss her with all my heart as sad as that may sound. Her feelings for me are real, but the timing was terrible... and I understand... again, as sad as that may sound. ratingsguy, I think you are taking all the right step's to show this MW that you are very serious about her! A wish for the very best in May! Have fun on your date. I am sure it will keep your mind of of MW for awhile. AP:)
Author ratingsguy Posted March 2, 2007 Author Posted March 2, 2007 ratingsguy, I think you are taking all the right step's to show this MW that you are very serious about her! A wish for the very best in May! Have fun on your date. I am sure it will keep your mind of of MW for awhile. For a while. Thanks everyone for your support... especially today since I'm feeling especially down.
puddleofmud Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 For a while. Thanks everyone for your support... especially today since I'm feeling especially down. (Feeling) "Down" is part of the ball game, sweetie. It's called grieving. And it sucks, it's hard and it sucks and it's hard!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT there isn't any way to avoid it. I try to think of it this way: The more it sucks and the harder it is; the more I choose NOT to want it. Grief is exhausting, you know what I mean? At this point I no longer choose it; it is choosing ME but I am feeling a little control over that ugly bug, thus at some point I am very confident I will feel more and more control over it. Maybe not always or forever but at least sometimes and lately more than all the time! Hang in there cuz many of us may not be on the same ocean but we are still in the same boat!
frannie Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 Get through the down days and on to the next 'up' day... they come..
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