IpAncA Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 The only thing I can suggest IMO is to end BOTH affairs now, tell your W and get into MC if she's willing. If need be enter IC first. Yes you've dug a hole and I'm sorry but there is no smooth way out of this.
Ladyjane14 Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 ....And that is the difference between my wife and my mistresses. They want me because they enjoy me. They feel genuine passion for me as I do for them. ....I want to enjoy the passion of my mistresses but I want to enjoy the family life I have with my wife. Puh-leeze. Man, you need to read some threads in the OM/OW forum. YOU have an agenda, sure enough... 'to enjoy the passion of your mistresses as well as family life with your wife'. But guess what? ... OWs have agendas too. Those agendas don't generally include having a man USE them for the sake of getting his 'own needs fulfilled'. No lie... I'd rather bathe with my toaster than be stuck, married to a guy who's THIS hopelessly self-centered. Your wife is an unfortunate woman. ... So are your mistresses.
NoIDidn't Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 And that is the difference between my wife and my mistresses. They want me because they enjoy me. They feel genuine passion for me as I do for them. I don't love them the way I love my wife, the mother of my children. In the end I would sacrifice alot more for the well-being of my wife than I would my mistresses. It's a dichotomy that is hard to resolve. I want to enjoy the passion of my mistresses but I want to enjoy the family life I have with my wife. If I quit the mistresses, I'll miss the passion and the sexual highs. If I leave my wife, I'll miss her and my daily life with the kids. If everyone could be OK with the situation as is (which I know they won't), then all my needs would be getting fulfilled. In order for everyone to be happy, I need to do without something essential. I don't need to add any commentary to this. It speaks for itself. :shaking head walking away:
IpAncA Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 I don't need to add any commentary to this. It speaks for itself. :shaking head walking away: Wooooo...I missed THAT post myself. To OP: Don't think your wife is going to approve of that one. Don't you want to work on your marriage and have ONE women fulfill your needs instead of 3?
addicted2love Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 GAH...your wife sounds a lot like my husband. He'd rather watch T.V. than acknowledge that I'm alive. I can't explain it but I know how it feels to be ignored. He's good at all of the practical stuff too but seems to have zero interest in the intimacy department. I used to think that intimacy and sex just wasn't important to him that was until he started having A's. I"m the kind of wife that never turns him down and always found him attractive. I'll never understand it. I too have asked my H what he needs in that department..he always tells me he doesn't know. I find that hard to believe. But if he's not willing to tell me then there's nothing I can do. Enable your private messages if you can...I won't elaborate about my situation on here anymore...I've been ripped to shreds too many times on these threads. A2L
outofdarkness Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 Puh-leeze. Man, you need to read some threads in the OM/OW forum. YOU have an agenda, sure enough... 'to enjoy the passion of your mistresses as well as family life with your wife'. But guess what? ... OWs have agendas too. Those agendas don't generally include having a man USE them for the sake of getting his 'own needs fulfilled'. No lie... I'd rather bathe with my toaster than be stuck, married to a guy who's THIS hopelessly self-centered. Your wife is an unfortunate woman. ... So are your mistresses. omg..man oh man...are you for real?
4whatItsWorth Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 Wooooo...I missed THAT post myself. To OP: Don't think your wife is going to approve of that one. Don't you want to work on your marriage and have ONE women fulfill your needs instead of 3? I think the issue was that he only seems interested in fullfilling HIS needs. What about the wife's? No matter how you slice this cake - the outcome is the same. He said he'd do a lot more for his wife than his mistresses - if he really did he'd never had had the affair in the first place.
cbl Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 Yes, this does help alot. I read t and re-read it a few times. I definitely don't want my W to be hurt. I really don't. At the same time, I can't live a life devoid of even a little real emotional connection and sexual passion. I'm not expecting a perpectual honeymoon, but I guess I did expect that our married life would include us being lovers also. I tried talking to her many times about it, but like I already said, nothing came of it. I gathered that she really doesn't see it all as being a big issue. It probably isn't .. for her, anyway. It didn't take me long to realize that she can't make herself feel what she doesn't feel. It's one thing for me to ask her to do iron my socks (I don't aske her that, this is just a stupid example) and she can probably do it even if she gets no thrill out of it. To repay her in kind, I could make all the beds and fluff the couch pillows or something every day. It' just one of those things couples might do for each other even if they don't especially revel in the chore. But with sex, that's just not an acceptable arrangement. I can't ask that she have sex with me if she sees it as a chore. First of all, I image that there would be few things as distasteful for her, and for me, I would not be able to enjoy the experience if she's doing it simply as a dreary task. I can't imagine that a MC will change that. She has to somehow feel this from within .. not force herself to act in a certain way, no matter how noble her intentions. And that is the difference between my wife and my mistresses. They want me because they enjoy me. They feel genuine passion for me as I do for them. I don't love them the way I love my wife, the mother of my children. In the end I would sacrifice alot more for the well-being of my wife than I would my mistresses. It's a dichotomy that is hard to resolve. I want to enjoy the passion of my mistresses but I want to enjoy the family life I have with my wife. If I quit the mistresses, I'll miss the passion and the sexual highs. If I leave my wife, I'll miss her and my daily life with the kids. If everyone could be OK with the situation as is (which I know they won't), then all my needs would be getting fulfilled. In order for everyone to be happy, I need to do without something essential. reading this.... it's like déjà vu.... it's like my xMM is coming back to my life again a bigger issue on this, probably mentioned by other poster before, is whether a person can be monogamous, and the issue of how to rekindle the romance within a long marriage/relationship. i don't have good advise to you, even after several very long discussion that i had with my xMM a few months back. and also i don't know you so let me talked about my xMM a bit (and W/BW here please do not bash me on this; all throughout our affair i've tried to push him back to his marriage and asked him to do his best not to mistreat his wife) he had very high sex drive. the reason why he was seeking outside marriage was/is to get an exciting and fun sex life along with the emotional intimacy that came long. his wife married with him when she was very young and she has never been with other men. he thinks that he is not attracted to his wife sexually anymore. and she refused to do any effort to rekindle their sex life. so a few issues here, 1) new girls are always exciting... especially when they are younger and single and never give birth to kids. how to avoid the temptation is a big work that you have to do. if you can't get away with the temptation you should not even get married in the first place... so you won't hurt your loved ones. but now you are married. let say it's something you have to work on after you have your issues settled. 2) sex life with wife: i used to ask my xMM what happened. he said, "routine" and "she's not physically attractive anymore". ok. so his wife has babies with him. and she's getting older every day she spends with him - not getting younger anymore. what to do? he also said "i love her as the mother of my children but not in love with her". i said get her on the weight watch program and get her to the gym, for her health. buy her sexy lingeries and toys (again please don't bash me here) as she will not buy them (trust me, this is exactly his words.... "did she ever buy the sexy lingerie?" "never" "then why don't you buy her some?" "she has the money why doesn't she buy them?") someone has to walk the first step.... as long as she knows how she's going to get (good sex) after all those efforts, she will do it. and teach her a few things that you don't do with her but you do with your mistresses. if she has only been with you and not others, chances are she might not know what to do to excite his man. do it now while she's not suspicious about you are being with others.... or you'll get questioned big time. run her bubble bath. guy her flowers that she likes. cook her and give her a massage after she's done with the dishes. 3) while you are doing all these nice things with your wife, please withdrawal from your mistresses gradually. you know you are playing with the fire before you get involved. most people don't take the "honest truth" very well... see if she's one of them. or if she can take the withdrawal method much better. and oh, please stop the maintenance visits. the situation will only get worse for you. not only you will never be able to resist the temptation of having a mistress on the side, but also you can't focus on pleasing your wife. you need to have faith in your wife. although people get bored in a long relationship (me included) you have to think about the history that you have together and how much you will lose for losing your wife (i am sure you do) please do the initiatives to please her. but if after a certain period of time it still not work, at least you have tried and you would not be feeling so guilty doing what you are doing.... not that i am encouraging it. but i believe many of the cake eaters are in pain as well. mostly out of guilty. someone will get hurt in your situation. either you continue with all those sufferings, or end things with the OW and take the risk of your affairs being exposed. or you come clean to confess to your wife.... depends on who you choose to hurt.
cbl Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 I think the issue was that he only seems interested in fullfilling HIS needs. true. He said he'd do a lot more for his wife than his mistresses. i think it's also true... i'd give him benefit of doubts. if he doesn't, why in the world so many affairs bring so much heartackes to the OW?
outofdarkness Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 reading this.... it's like déjà vu.... it's like my xMM is coming back to my life again a bigger issue on this, probably mentioned by other poster before, is whether a person can be monogamous, and the issue of how to rekindle the romance within a long marriage/relationship. i don't have good advise to you, even after several very long discussion that i had with my xMM a few months back. and also i don't know you so let me talked about my xMM a bit (and W/BW here please do not bash me on this; all throughout our affair i've tried to push him back to his marriage and asked him to do his best not to mistreat his wife) he had very high sex drive. the reason why he was seeking outside marriage was/is to get an exciting and fun sex life along with the emotional intimacy that came long. his wife married with him when she was very young and she has never been with other men. he thinks that he is not attracted to his wife sexually anymore. and she refused to do any effort to rekindle their sex life. so a few issues here, 1) new girls are always exciting... especially when they are younger and single and never give birth to kids. how to avoid the temptation is a big work that you have to do. if you can't get away with the temptation you should not even get married in the first place... so you won't hurt your loved ones. but now you are married. let say it's something you have to work on after you have your issues settled. 2) sex life with wife: i used to ask my xMM what happened. he said, "routine" and "she's not physically attractive anymore". ok. so his wife has babies with him. and she's getting older every day she spends with him - not getting younger anymore. what to do? he also said "i love her as the mother of my children but not in love with her". i said get her on the weight watch program and get her to the gym, for her health. buy her sexy lingeries and toys (again please don't bash me here) as she will not buy them (trust me, this is exactly his words.... "did she ever buy the sexy lingerie?" "never" "then why don't you buy her some?" "she has the money why doesn't she buy them?") someone has to walk the first step.... as long as she knows how she's going to get (good sex) after all those efforts, she will do it. and teach her a few things that you don't do with her but you do with your mistresses. if she has only been with you and not others, chances are she might not know what to do to excite his man. do it now while she's not suspicious about you are being with others.... or you'll get questioned big time. run her bubble bath. guy her flowers that she likes. cook her and give her a massage after she's done with the dishes. 3) while you are doing all these nice things with your wife, please withdrawal from your mistresses gradually. you know you are playing with the fire before you get involved. most people don't take the "honest truth" very well... see if she's one of them. or if she can take the withdrawal method much better. and oh, please stop the maintenance visits. the situation will only get worse for you. not only you will never be able to resist the temptation of having a mistress on the side, but also you can't focus on pleasing your wife. you need to have faith in your wife. although people get bored in a long relationship (me included) you have to think about the history that you have together and how much you will lose for losing your wife (i am sure you do) please do the initiatives to please her. but if after a certain period of time it still not work, at least you have tried and you would not be feeling so guilty doing what you are doing.... not that i am encouraging it. but i believe many of the cake eaters are in pain as well. mostly out of guilty. someone will get hurt in your situation. either you continue with all those sufferings, or end things with the OW and take the risk of your affairs being exposed. or you come clean to confess to your wife.... depends on who you choose to hurt. good post...and thanks for the tips...I'm really trying to improve in this dept. w/ my H.
bullhunter Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 But I'm not so sure my wife is unhappy. She's never expressed any unhappiness and her life is occupied with all sorts of things she's interested in. Obviously those things are more engrssing and stimulating to her than I. I thought these same things. My wife isn't interested in me anymore, she's happier doing her things, she's just using me, she doesn't enjoy sex anymore, I need an emotional connection because I'm not getting it at home, etc, etc etc. So I did some of what you've done. Eventually like you my conscience bothered me and I couldn't go on. I stopped the A and told my wife. I was wrong about EVERYTHING. She was unhappy the whole time I was thinking how happy she was. She wrapped herself up in everything because she felt she couldn't reach me,she was feeling used. She thought I didn't love her anymore and was filling her life with other things so she wouldn't feel the emptyness. I haven't read this whole thread, but take it from someone who visits here very infrequently now. The odds are high that what you think is going on in your wife's head is not what is really happening. I'd like to add as well that the odds of what is going on with YOU is not whats happening either. My wife asked me the other day if what happened was mostly because of me being angry with her or more because of something lacking. After thinking about it for awhile, I came to the conclusion that about 40% was anger at her, 40% was anger AT WOMEN IN GENERAL, and 20% was looking for excitement. When you use women they way you have been using them I'd lay huge odds that you've got some anger issues going on you may not want to admit. Say good bye to the women, tell your wife and get on with real life. You've just been playing at it so far.
cbl Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 people with self-respect and open-mindedness like you will/can definitely make positive change in their marriage/life. best wishes to you.
HellenBack Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 Getahelmut, I dont even know where to begin on this... First, I do hope you realize that while you think you might have had a miserable marriage..it probably wasnt'..it was more than likely your own broken internal mirror driving your desire to cheat,..making the marriage bad is a justification to do so. Your affair(s) are a symptom of your broken inner self. It was all about you and what you lacked within..not what your wife didn't provide. The more you cheated, the more you got your ego stroked, the more you justified your behavior, the more your marriage eroded....one big vicious cycle. Ok, got that off my chest. Now you find yourself in a huge MESS..and yes, its a total mess..for you, for your wife, for you family..for everything you worked for your entire adult life. Let me share with you my experience. I will try to make it short and to the point (not sure that's possible, but I will try). My husb got involved with a woman from work, at first he thought it would be a fling, the ego stroking felt great for him..and so he kept doing it for a bit. Yep, he felt guilty, but not enough to stop doing it..she made him feel like a "real man". He had been going through career stress, maybe some mid life issues, and had a totally emotionally retarded childhood...add all this together, he was pretty needed and didn't realize it...he just knew that another woman found him desireable and it made him feel good.....fast forward a few months..maybe a yr or so..he came to the realization that you are having...this is a double life, it's stressful, its harmful, its not working...and you just want your life back and to be "normal" again. This is when all h*ll broke loose for him. He knew how much the OW had fell for him, she was as needy as he was. He decided that this could not continue..he had to make it all stop. He tried time after time to break it off with her, letting her down gently, explaining that it wasn't working for him. Each and every time, she went nuts on him, screaming, yelling and threats. Each and every time he didn't do exactly as she expected or wanted...the threats came out again. Threats of telling me, the Betrayed wife. Fast forward from the start of the affair to 7 yrs down the road..he was still seeing her, still making his visits, still doing everything he had to do to keep her quiet and her mouth shut. Finally, this took a toll on his health, his marriage, his kids lives, his entire world. He couldnt do it anymore. Did he come clean with me? NOPE. He decided to run from the OW and move us 2,000 miles away and never look back. I wont go into details, but for the next 12 months I was one completely confused wife. I had no idea about any of the affair, I had not one clue. I had no idea why we really moved. I had no thoughts whatsoever of any of this. Finally, he confessed. To say that I was stunned...an understatement. I will say that once he confessed, let the cat out of the bag, my world seemed to feel like it was back together again..I had all the pieces for his odd behavior, his ill health, the 2,000 cross country move. Was I hurt? Devastated? Destroyed? yep, all of that an more. But at least I had the truth about the man I married, that I invested 24 yrs with. Did I stay in this marriage?? Yes, and its never been better...absolutely GREAT. While I have spent 24 months healing, understanding and going forward, I wont say it wasn't hard. It's been very hard, and at times I wanted to give up. Its harder to stay and fix it than it is to walk away. I believe that goes for both the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse. But we both knew that we truly loved each other, we both understand that he had some real issues within himself and we both agreed with were in this together. Now, I have would not have believed one word of what he confessed to, that he didn't end the affair because he was afraid of me finding out. I would have thought it was a made for TV Lifetime Network movie. I believe every word he says, because the OW admitted to making threats. Once this threat, either by behavior or verbally by the OW, its firmly planted in your head. I think this is where you right now. The OW can and will do this, especially when she is single and has absolutely nothing to lose. Over the past 24 months, I have heard through counseling sessions other men that have gone through this exact situation. Fear, threats and complete confusion as to how to get out of this. The day that my husb confessed, he called the OW within minutes and broke it off. I will admit that she was one mad woman. My advice, if you really want to fix this, first, find a counselor. Start therapy and start working on the problem..YOU! Then, make a time, a time when you have alone time without your children around, maybe a weekend away with your wife. Confess to her, give her all the truth of what you did. Show her your complete and truthful remorse. Accept what you did and let her get her feelings, and emotions aligned. It's going to take a long time. You can't ever let her down, you can't ever tell her to get over it and you can't ever tell her to stop talking about it. It might take years. I don't know what her reaction might be. For me, I didin't cry and scream in the beginning, I was too shocked and too confused. I did see my husb as a broken sorry child though. I felt bad for him. You have big decisions ahead of you but if you want to fix it, you will. It starts with you. Good luck Hellenback
NoIDidn't Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 Is it just me or did three whole days of responses to this thread just disappear?
Greggie Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 It looks to me more like you want to brag about these adventurous sexual encounters of yours more than remorsefully working at getting out of your extramarital habit.
Author GetAHelmet Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate it very much. You guys all all very insightful. I have an update, for what it's worth. I had a fight with OW #2 yesterday. She told me that she couldn't stand the relationship the way it was and that we should break it off before she 'hates me'. So I took the opportunity to go with that. At least this way it's her idea and she won't feel like I dumped her. I think I may be able to avoid trouble with her. She may try and contact me again, but at least I can just give her the 'but you dumped ME' routine. I had already broken it off with OW #1 three days ago and I think she understood. We had only been together again for a short time and so I think we both knew it was all on precarious ground to begin with. Plus she's not one to cause any trouble. This will be the first weekend in a long time where I don't owe anyone any phone calls nor any excuses for not being able to make it to see them. I feel 300 lbs lighter already.
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 I thought you had ended ALL the affairs already last week. Get into NC mode with ALL the OW NOW. Focus on fixing yourself, get into therapy...Then, fix your marriage.
Author GetAHelmet Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 I thought you had ended ALL the affairs already last week. ..? Get into NC mode with ALL the OW NOW. Focus on fixing yourself, get into therapy...Then, fix your marriage. That'll be the tricky part.
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 ..? That'll be the tricky part. I thought you had ended all your affairs already, that's all. Tricky? You have alot to lose if you don't do NC. Remember the goal at hand? Fix your marriage, stop cheating on your wife??? How can you do that if you are still in any sort of contact with the OW's?
Author GetAHelmet Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 I thought you had ended all your affairs already, that's all. Tricky? You have alot to lose if you don't do NC. Remember the goal at hand? Fix your marriage, stop cheating on your wife??? How can you do that if you are still in any sort of contact with the OW's? Oh no, I'm with you on the NC part. At least with OW #2. I always kept occasional contact with OW #1 via IM over the years, but nothing romantic. It's the fixing the marriage that's I meant will be tricky.
Scrivdog Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Oh no, I'm with you on the NC part. At least with OW #2. I always kept occasional contact with OW #1 via IM over the years, but nothing romantic. It's the fixing the marriage that's I meant will be tricky. Good luck .. you're going to need it. Been there dun that.
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Oh no, I'm with you on the NC part. At least with OW #2. I always kept occasional contact with OW #1 via IM over the years, but nothing romantic. It's the fixing the marriage that's I meant will be tricky. Yes it will be...I still think you need to come clean with your wife and suffer the consquences. Ya, I know, you don't want to, but in all honesty, how the heck are you gonna be tough enough and strong enough with yourself NOT to cross the lines, go have another affair again? You've done it enough times, it will be easier the next time BECAUSE she doesn't know and you have nothing to lose...Hope that makes sense. Another thing, if you really want your marriage to work, you gotta get rid of OW #1. You don't need that friendship in your life. It's keeping the door open a crack if you are still intouch with her. Even if it isn't romantic, she's still a threat.
Ruby Tuesday Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Is it just me or did three whole days of responses to this thread just disappear? Hocus Pocus
smokenmirrors Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Get a Helmet, just wanted to ask you a few things. I'm not going to comment on some parts of the situation you find yourself in, as I have no advise on the OW aspect. You say your wife doesn't show you the attention you need. Have you ever stopped to think that just maybe, maybe she feels just the way you do? Perhaps she feels that you are not meeting her needs, thus, she closes herself off from you sexually? Do you stop and think of her needs? Or do you just worry about your own? Maybe there is something she needs from you and you're not providing it. The thing with alot of women, and I think especially women with kids and a busy, hectic schedule, is that it's just not all about the sex anymore. It's not that we don't want it or enjoy it, but sometimes it's the little things someone does that leads us to enjoy sex, or not. Standing in the room with a tent in your pants, and expecting us to just jump on it, just doesn't do it for some women. However, affection, giving a helping hand, giving a kind word or two, compliments on something about her, or what she does to keep your family together, doing something nice just for her...all go a long way with a woman. Maybe she has lost that desire for you because you do what many of us have done in our lives...you've settled in and have forgotten what it's like to be in love. There must have been sparks at one time or other with you and your wife. Somewhere along the way that spark was put out, for some reason, and only you and your wife TOGETHER can get it back if you choose. It is a team effort. Not based on any one persons needs, but the needs of both of you. Good Luck.
Recommended Posts