SplitHeart Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Has anyone had problems getting over short term relationships? If so how long was the relationship? How long did it take to COMPLETELY move on? and maybe what was the nature of the relation? Thanks Loveshack!!!
oppath Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 It depends how you define short term relationship. I would define it as less than 3 months. Longer than that (6 months) is not long term by any means, but it is an investment. It once took me 3 months to get over a 3 week relationship. She was way into me and pursued me, and then she dropped off the face of the earth. Disappeared.
Guest XYZ Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 My shortest was about 3 months. It just wasn't working and I couldn't see it going anywhere. When I ended it I felt terrible but never looked back. I also went strict NC which I didn't know what it was called back then. Although I wanted to keep him as a friend I knew he was "reading into" any contact so I stopped it. It wasn't fair to him to give false hope. It felt cruel and mean at the time but I knew it was the right thing to do. Today he is happily married.
Kwo-ne'-she Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 I don't think it's about the length of the relationship, as much as the depth of feelings involved. You can be with someone 20 yrs, and never feel for them what you did for a person you were with only 3 months. I had a "short term" relationship. Not quite 5 months. It took roughly 8 months to get out of the depression the ending sent me into. Another 5-6 to get my head on straight. I'm still not "over" it, in the fullest sense of the word.
Shadowdog36 Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 Knew her as a friend 14 years ago. Reconnected in Sept '06 and talked for about 2 weeks before I asked her on a date. First date, spent the night at her house. Second date 2 days later...sex. Third 'date' 3 days later...lunch downtown while at work (a Wednesday). By that Friday, she told me that it was over. That was October '06 and I'm still having dreams about it, and what I 'should have said/done' to fix it. I'm 36, and this woman was the closest I've ever come to feeling like I could spend the rest of my life with someone. Kwo-ne'-she is right...it's not moments in time but timeless moments that you judge your connection by.
AtAGlance Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Kwo-ne'-she - I'm sorry to hear about your pain, but glad to see that someone else felt like this. I am helping a friend thru' a breakup. The details are on another thread but quickly - broke up in Nov2005 after 5 months, spent 2006 in contact on and off (always at his instigation), in Dec2006 they got back together very briefly, then she got a text in Feb2007 to say he was with someone else. This was 4 weeks ago and "we" are now on day 24 of NC. But this weekend was bad - she spent the whole time in tears, with all the ususal "how can he do this to me", "why doesn't he love me?" "he was the only one for me" stuff. I'm trying my best to help her but I felt that now, 14 months after the original breakup, she should be in a much better state than this. She really did fall for him a BIG way, and was a HUGE mess when he left, but maybe it's going to take time and I have to be patient with her for a little longer. (though any tips would help LOL) Ata
Kwo-ne'-she Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Kwo-ne'-she - I'm sorry to hear about your pain, but glad to see that someone else felt like this. I am helping a friend thru' a breakup. The details are on another thread but quickly - broke up in Nov2005 after 5 months, spent 2006 in contact on and off (always at his instigation), in Dec2006 they got back together very briefly, then she got a text in Feb2007 to say he was with someone else. This was 4 weeks ago and "we" are now on day 24 of NC. But this weekend was bad - she spent the whole time in tears, with all the ususal "how can he do this to me", "why doesn't he love me?" "he was the only one for me" stuff. I'm trying my best to help her but I felt that now, 14 months after the original breakup, she should be in a much better state than this. She really did fall for him a BIG way, and was a HUGE mess when he left, but maybe it's going to take time and I have to be patient with her for a little longer. (though any tips would help LOL) Ata Loosing that kind of love is one of the worst, most painful things a person can go through. I thought I was "over it" fairly well, when he made a small reappearance (showing up on a site I go to) a year after we had last spoken. He didn't attempt to contact me, but was there. I had a major set back for a period of time. I'm sorry your friend is in this kind of pain. Just listening to her helps a lot. There isn't really anything that you can do or say to make it better. Does she post here? Sometimes it helps to "talk" with others who have been through that kind of pain. Get advice and feedback. Writing in a journal helped me some. And just knowing I had friends who cared, even though they really couldn't take away the pain.... I hope she starts mending soon. And it's great she has a friend like you.
Guest Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 It's good to know that I'm not alone, athough somewhat surprising that there are so many sad people in this world. I was looking at everyone on the train this morning and wondered how many of them were nursing a broken heart. Anyway, this weekend was a bit better. I still miss him like crazy. I am on 31 days NC and have only thought about breaking it twice. I must admit though I am beginning to want him to contact me so I can tell him to get lost, I even wondered if I could bump into him so I could tell him how I feel. Trouble is I know I won't be strong if there is contact, so NC is the only way. I bought a stepping machine - every night I get on and do 10 mins fast walking. I imagine my ex and all the pain is behind me and the future, which is bright and happy, is in front of me. I lift my head up, suck my stomach in and WALK. It's set on "uphill" so I get pretty tired, but every step is a step away from him and a step closer to happiness, and as an added bonus I get a bit fitter and a bit more toned. Ha! he'll never see my new toned body. Sorry that you've been down in the pits too - hope you are getting brighter by the day.
daphne Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 I've been through this before. Honestly, I think it's not really love yet due to the time span. I think it's more of a heavy infatuation and chemistry and teh promise of what could have been. The time spent together is usually short enough where the people really don't know each other at all and have soaring expectations that no one could possibly meet in real life. We think this person is the one. And when, for some reason, it ends, we are devastated in almost a physical reaction by thte loss. We mistake this intense longing for real love. In my experience, the loss of real love didn't look anything like that. It wasn't addiction, fear or obsession. I'm willing to bet that if we had spent a longer period of time with the object of our infatuation, the reality would surface and the other person wouldn't be on such a high pedestal that they're on once it's over. No one is going to magically fulfill all of our needs and be of one mind with us. This is the illusion of infatuation.
Guest Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 I think there is a great deal of truth in that daphne. I felt worse when I was dumped after a short term relationship that I did after my 6 year marriage broke down. Thing is - in 6 years you've had a chance to fight, you've annoyed each other and the honeymoon is well and truly over. After 4 months it's all still a new shiny relationship with "Mr Perfect" and everything is still new and exciting, and nothing could possibly go wrong. But when did being sensible make the pain go away.....?
Johnny B Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 I've been through this before. Honestly, I think it's not really love yet due to the time span. I think it's more of a heavy infatuation and chemistry and teh promise of what could have been. The time spent together is usually short enough where the people really don't know each other at all and have soaring expectations that no one could possibly meet in real life. We think this person is the one. And when, for some reason, it ends, we are devastated in almost a physical reaction by thte loss. We mistake this intense longing for real love. In my experience, the loss of real love didn't look anything like that. It wasn't addiction, fear or obsession. I'm willing to bet that if we had spent a longer period of time with the object of our infatuation, the reality would surface and the other person wouldn't be on such a high pedestal that they're on once it's over. No one is going to magically fulfill all of our needs and be of one mind with us. This is the illusion of infatuation. So this might be a really stupid question to most of you but I really don't know. How can you tell the difference between infatuation and love? With my numerous short term relationships, I can safely say I've never loved someone before, but the angst, pain, regret, remorse I feel about dumping my ex only to have in the arms of someone else now is hard to bear. Why didn't I keep what I had??? Even though we only dated for 4 months... how do I know there was not potential for more and that I simply did not know what the hell I was doing??? Johnny
daphne Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 But when did being sensible make the pain go away.....? After it happened the first time, common sense became king. I'll never allow myself to have rose colored glasses like that over someone so unworthy.
daphne Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 So this might be a really stupid question to most of you but I really don't know. How can you tell the difference between infatuation and love? You didn't know what you had at the time, and now that you don't have her you want her badly. This is not going to get you a real relationship. If you want what you can't have, you'll always be chasing after someone. And that someone may be tired of the chase. Infatuation is the heady fireworks feeling of chemistry you get with someone. You don't analyze their true motivations, character and compatibility. All you feel is how this person is so right for you, even though you haven't analyzed enough to really knwo who they are. You fill in the gaps of who they are so it becomes magical and like maybe they're "the one". Love is something a lot subtler. There's still physical attraction and a certain degree of intensity. But when I have been truly in love before, there was a full disclosure of the person. I knew I loved him because we both accepted the best and worst of each other. There were no gaps, no filling in with pixie dust. He still turned my knees to butter when he kissed me the first time, but that was kind of a surprise. But the real love I've experienced involved trust and acceptance of the true person and regard for their welfare.
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