Guest Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 I am new here and am in need of some advice. I have been dating a mm for 6 years now-we have had periods of not seeing each other but so far have aways resumed. I suppose that when he wasn't seeing me the last time (for 7 months) his habits changed at home. When we rekindled things when we both bumped into each other, he told me that he was having issues at home. I actually think that we shouldn't have resumed but why did he tell me he was having difficulties--was that to put me off. Once when he came round and I opened a bottle of wine, he says he is not well and that I can drink it. He does look quite red in the face and he doesn't comunicate with me like he used to. Then he gets up and says he would like to stay longer but he can't. I don't want to ask him to stay because it feels like I am needy. I think that his wife is checking up on him and the whole thing is probably making him ill and it's not doing much for me either. Then he phones and says he will pop round to see me for an hour "and we don't have to do anything". When I say that will be nice, he doesn't call--what is that all about? Another time he gets up abruptly and says "I really must go right now, my daughter is coming round to pick up a prescription tonight". I was so annoyed and he put his arm round me and then he said why are you so upset. Surely it's not just because I am going early" and then he stormed upstairs and ignored me. When he came down he was still really angry. I am upset because he went at 4.0pm and I had assumed he was going to spend at least the early evening with me. I am so upset because he won't tell me what is going on. When I say that I want to talk about it he just doesn't call, but he won't say it is over. I am afraid that I am a person who likes things laid on the line--that is just me. I would like him to sit opposite me and say it is over--move on. Another part of me thinks that I should just let him go and not put any pressure on him and I have to stop thinking about what he is up to. It really is getting me down but if I make him talk to me he might not tell me the truth then. He might resent the pressure--what do you think? I would just like to get away on holiday for a couple of weeks and that would do me good. I don't want to change my cell phone in case he does call. There is just a great need in me to thrash out what he is feeling and why shouldn't I have my needs met for once. I don't want a show down but just the opportuniy to say to him that he is in turmoil and does he want me to back right off--what is the harm in that? Advice please.
NoIDidn't Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 I hope someone else responds to your thread, but I couldn't let this go. Why are you "dating" a man that doesn't communicate with you for months on end? Forget about what his W is or isn't doing, and think long and hard about what you are doing: disrespecting yourself by allowing such poor treatment knowingly.
Guest Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 I hope someone else responds to your thread, but I couldn't let this go. Why are you "dating" a man that doesn't communicate with you for months on end? Forget about what his W is or isn't doing, and think long and hard about what you are doing: disrespecting yourself by allowing such poor treatment knowingly. I initiated NC with him and then we ran into each other and started the affair again -after 7 months. So it's not as if he suddenly stopped calling me for no reason.
norajane Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Your needs are clearly NOT going to be met - you have plenty of evidence of that. Men don't like confrontation and hashing things out. In 6 years, have there been no other men that you might have been interested in? Where do you want to be in another 6 years? Still hanging around waiting for this guy to make a decision about ending things? You don't need him to tell you it's over. You can do that - you can make that decision for the both of you. Why are you hanging on to this man under the circumstances?
puddleofmud Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 You stated "why should you not have your needs met for once?". Have you ever thought about having your needs met on a consistent basis? Or at least that your needs are heard, understood and considered in a respectful manner? It really doesn't matter if he is a MM; the fact is that you are living in loneliness and, perhaps, going to bed at night wondering about "this and that" in your relationship and how YOU must fix it: ie: pressure or no pressure?, etc. Fact is that your feelings do matter and how you decide to deal with that within your current situation is completely within your power to do so. Why is it up to you as a partner to "fix"? To "abide". To "accept" at face value? As "he" is in turmoil? What about YOU? Why don't you have the right to the same "pressure" the same balance of control and power in this relationship? You deserve someone who is right there with you fixing things WITH you; not at cross junction. This is just a mere right one should have as a human being--that friends who are truly friends, much less lovers, stand with you. Fair is fair; allow yourself to be dealt with in all this is honest and fair. How much pressure has been put upon YOU for the last six years? And what could be so wrong about expecting the same in return? A blow out is more than likely going to happen sooner than later when one suppresses their feelings. No need to have one if you can do your best to stay level and calmly express how you feel and what you want... And, of course, there is the danger that one may not get what they want or hear what one wishes to hear. You are the only one who can decide if you are ready to "go there". That's a hard call as to whether one is "ready" so take your time and stay strong! Big Hugs to you!
Blue Phoenix Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 --"I am afraid that I am a person who likes things laid on the line--that is just me. I would like him to sit opposite me and say it is over--move on"-- I'm fairly sure thats exactly what hes trying to do just from the things he's been doing and saying. It seams to me any ways that hes gently trying to give you the message that thing are pretty much over. If I were you I'de take the hints and move on with my life. Even more so if as you say hes not looking well lately maybe the guilt plus the added stress of trying to keep things under wraps is finaly starting to wear on him..
sassy N sassy Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 I am new here and am in need of some advice. I have been dating a mm for 6 years now-we have had periods of not seeing each other but so far have aways resumed. I suppose that when he wasn't seeing me the last time (for 7 months) his habits changed at home. When we rekindled things when we both bumped into each other, he told me that he was having issues at home. I actually think that we shouldn't have resumed but why did he tell me he was having difficulties--was that to put me off. Once when he came round and I opened a bottle of wine, he says he is not well and that I can drink it. He does look quite red in the face and he doesn't comunicate with me like he used to. Then he gets up and says he would like to stay longer but he can't. I don't want to ask him to stay because it feels like I am needy. I think that his wife is checking up on him and the whole thing is probably making him ill and it's not doing much for me either. Then he phones and says he will pop round to see me for an hour "and we don't have to do anything". When I say that will be nice, he doesn't call--what is that all about? Another time he gets up abruptly and says "I really must go right now, my daughter is coming round to pick up a prescription tonight". I was so annoyed and he put his arm round me and then he said why are you so upset. Surely it's not just because I am going early" and then he stormed upstairs and ignored me. When he came down he was still really angry. I am upset because he went at 4.0pm and I had assumed he was going to spend at least the early evening with me. I am so upset because he won't tell me what is going on. When I say that I want to talk about it he just doesn't call, but he won't say it is over. I am afraid that I am a person who likes things laid on the line--that is just me. I would like him to sit opposite me and say it is over--move on. Another part of me thinks that I should just let him go and not put any pressure on him and I have to stop thinking about what he is up to. It really is getting me down but if I make him talk to me he might not tell me the truth then. He might resent the pressure--what do you think? I would just like to get away on holiday for a couple of weeks and that would do me good. I don't want to change my cell phone in case he does call. There is just a great need in me to thrash out what he is feeling and why shouldn't I have my needs met for once. I don't want a show down but just the opportuniy to say to him that he is in turmoil and does he want me to back right off--what is the harm in that? Advice please.[/quote dump him he is married. take it from someone who know's right now he is trying to get out the relationship with you. you don't have a furture with a married man. i had a 12 year affair with a man. he slow down with me the way your lover is with you. well make this a short story i let go of him and moved on. yes i hurt i cry i think i'am going crazy but that is the healing process. I let go of him. I got my life back. Please get out. its not worth it. okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!
GreenEyedLady Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 You need to decide that enough is enough and get out...think about yourself...
Guest Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 Advice please.[/quote dump him he is married. take it from someone who know's right now he is trying to get out the relationship with you. you don't have a furture with a married man. i had a 12 year affair with a man. he slow down with me the way your lover is with you. well make this a short story i let go of him and moved on. yes i hurt i cry i think i'am going crazy but that is the healing process. I let go of him. I got my life back. Please get out. its not worth it. okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!! Well I was wondering that, because his behaviour is so bizarre as well. I saw him yesterday but he didn't see me and he has put on alot of weight and looked really unhappy and red in the face. He suffers from high blood pressure. He has always maintained that he doesn't feel guilty having an affair. His behaviour of curtailing his time with me could also have been his way of trying to get me to end it. One day he phoned my cell phone 5 times and my home phone had 12 calls where he had just banged down the phone. I was annoyed with him at the time and so never answered my cell phone and the next day he got hold of me and was annoyed and wanted to know where I had been. I said I was driving and couldn't answer my phone. I was irritated that he was asking me to explain my movements bcause he hadn't told me he was going to call. I thought that it showed he was "keen" but looking back I think he knew it was "over" and it might have just been a sort of reaction to letting me go. He knew he was losing me even though he was the one pulling away. Any thoughts on this please?
frannie Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 Yes, my thoughts are if someone is a pain in the neck, then why waste time on them..? Besides which a MM is never going to end anything. There is no such thing as 'if he wants it over, then why not say..?'... it's just not in their blood. YOU have to end it because it's more trouble than it's worth.
overandout Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 Hi, I am in a similar sort of situation and I need to get out. I think that your mm is feeling pressured because his wife has probably made her concerns/suspicions known. Who knows he may have confessed and promised her that it is over for good. If he is leaing early then I would bet that his wife is watching him like a hawk. He knows you don't like these short visits, so he is pulling away from you. I think he doesn't want to lose you completely, and that is why he is behaving as he does. If he is a total scum bag he might wait for the dust to settle at home and then try and resume with you later. He is not that committed to his marriage and he certainly isn't committed to you. You must be living on a roller coaster and do you want more of this? When it is not convenient to see you (like now) he basically just dumps you temporarily. Give him a taste of his own medicine and if he contacts you in the future don't take his calls or say you are too busy to talk. You seem to be so accepting of things and it will unnerve him if you don't react in the way you normally do. If only I could take my own advice! Good luck to you whatever you do.
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