Xodarapa Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 S: You don’t know how hard it is for me not to call you right now. I really miss you at this moment. I don’t know why I feel such a strong connection with someone I’ve known for only four months, but I do. In the past I have been in love, I have been obsessed, and I have been infatuated; and I have experienced elements of all three with you, but I have also felt something very special and unique that I can honestly say I have never felt before. I am three-thousand miles away from you right now, yet I feel as connected to you as if you were sitting right next to me. It has been almost five weeks since I last made contact with you by leaving a message on your voicemail. In one of my last communications with you I told you I wouldn’t give up on us, and I haven’t. Paradoxically, the only hope we have is if I distance myself from you and let go; the more I would try and hold on to you, the more it would push you away. I am glad we had what we had for as long as it lasted; I only hope it was enough time that I have made some sort of impression on your heart, mind and soul. I know you have on mine. Often times when I think of you I smile. Although you kept me at arms length with your defense mechanisms and erecting of emotional barriers I still saw through into the real you. Perhaps I only saw what I wanted, but I don’t believe that to be the case. I have accepted you are not ready for a relationship and/or don’t want one with me, but I can’t help but hope you will discover you really don’t want to lose me and what we could have together. It is so hard for me to believe that the connection I feel with you is only one-sided, but I must allow for that possibility. I know you are terrified of commitment and you are afraid of being hurt; sadly, nothing I can say or do will make you take that risk. I know you have an intense fear of engulfment and can’t see how you could maintain your independence and individuality yet still love deeply and commit to another. Believe it or not, I have the same fears. But I think together we have the capacity to negotiate the terms and strike a harmonious balance. It is surmountable with insight and awareness. Unfortunately, your fears and your beliefs fueled by your fears stop you from making a commitment to the attempt. That is by far the hardest thing for me to accept. I have faith in you that you will not be conquered by your fears of intimacy but will ultimately transcend them. If I am to ask of you to accept my fears and insecurities and have patience with them, then I must be willing to accept yours and have patience with them as well. I would hope that you would expect of me to not give into my fears, but constantly strive to rise above them – I have the same expectation of you. It was right that we parted when we did; it is not fair to me to be with someone who will not open themselves up; I should not and will not settle for less. But it is also not fair to you to accept less from you then you are capable of giving; I would be robbing you of an opportunity for growth. I know you have within you the potential for a great capacity to love; I have sensed your struggle to love and allow yourself to be loved. I will not abandon you in your struggle; I will be there for you if you do decide to reach out to me. If I should move on before you are ready know that I value you highly and you deserve to be loved. Have faith in yourself and your ability to be vulnerable and remain strong at the same time. Again, I have faith in you - I have since I met you and I will continue to do so. I have no choice but to let you go (for now), but I have a choice in how I choose to view our parting. I know our relationship has challenged me to love unconditionally. Although unattainable, the attempt in and of itself has proven valuable. Through knowing you I have felt my capacity for love grow, and no matter what happens in the future, I thank you for that. It has also increased my ability to have compassion; I have compassion for you and the great pain you must have experienced in the past that has caused you to be so afraid of opening up. I have compassion for myself and the pain I have experienced in the past that makes me needy and fearful of abandonment. I hate the circumstances that have caused you to push people away – I hate that it has caused you to push me away. But I will never hate you. The greatest testament I have at this moment to my love for you is to not contact you although I so desperately want to. The greatest testament I have at this moment to my love for myself is to not accept less than what I am willing to give, even if that means we are not meant to be. But make no mistake, I still love you. G
magichands Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 But make no mistake, I still love you. You sound a bit like George W Bush.
Author Xodarapa Posted March 2, 2007 Author Posted March 2, 2007 You sound a bit like George W Bush. And you sound like you could f*&^ up a wet dream. Not sure if I find your comment amusing or obnoxious, but after re-reading my post I can see what you mean.
kimba Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 re - read it in 2 weeks and see how you feel about it then. You might regret sending it if you get no reaction. Just wait 2 weeks. Put it away for now. Magichands likes to have his fun......
Author Xodarapa Posted March 2, 2007 Author Posted March 2, 2007 Kimba: Thanks for the advise - I agree. I was not going to send it.
Trialbyfire Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Nice. What girl wouldn't melt after reading that one. I agree with Kimba, wait a couple of weeks to decide if you still feel the same way. If you do, then send it and if she feels anything for you, you will get a response... *edit - okay, my curiosity has gotten the best of me. Why are you the reverse of a paradox? Does that make you not a paradox, hence, simplicity itself or are you a backwards paradox which makes you all the more paradoxical? I'm so confused...
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