forbidden fruit Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 You are probably at least familiar with my story. Well I have thrashed, thrown tantrums, tried NC and tried NC some more been on the roller coaster off the roller coaster, hit the high highs and the lows lows and have come finally to the conclusion after a year that he wil never be good enough for me and it is not me it is him!! Very important tid bit that everyone including my mother has been drilling in my head and I would not listen. Sometimes we all need to go through these things ousrelves to finally see that we are worth a whole hellva alot more than the lies and pure aggravation the op puts us through. I will take blame because I allowed it to happen, but not anymore -the light bulb finally went off. I put it to practice today when I saw him in three instances and when he was in my house. Was it hard you bet, but did I feel free and empowered you betcha!! The minute my xmm started complaining and doing his same old poor me I flipped it like I am above this and I have important things to do . I am moving on and not with you. My life is full without your bullsh***. I think he is shock, but I do not care because he will never change. If there is satsifaction for me is his W is stuck with him not me and he is stuck with a mean fat bi**. Sorry to be so crass but I cannot believe I ever sank to his level. So all those who think they cannot go on just remeber strong woman who would never in a million years let these leeches come near them. I am living proof it is possible to move on even if you still have to see the person. You have just to get in the right frame of mind like you will not get to me and will not push my buttons because I don't care and I am not playing -GAME OVER!! You had me and you lost me and I had you but never really did. So what are we all so mad and sad about losing if we never really had them fully to begin with.
cbl Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 good for you. and good for you that you write it down. every time i felt weak i came back and re-read my own posts - it gives me back my strength to hang on. best of luck.
quankanne Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 :laugh: I think the muscle relaxer must be kicking in, because on first read-through I saw "roller-toaster" ... Sometimes we all need to go through these things ousrelves to finally see that we are worth a whole hellva alot more than the lies and pure aggravation the op puts us through. I will take blame because I allowed it to happen, but not anymore -the light bulb finally went off. give yourself a huge pat on the back – after going through what you have, you figured out what's best for you, and obviously it wasn't some guy who was more than willing to take you for a ride. it gets harder and harder to read some of these posts about extramarital affairs because while I know how feelings can lead you to do things you normally wouldn't, it bugs me that some of these women blithely go about screwing up their lives for men who will never give up their families for them. They don't understand just how disposable their relationships are when they've gotten to the stage of emotional involvement – it's like a horrible form of co-dependency. As part of a married couple, I hate the idea of someone consciously choosing to be in an adulturous relationship, but as an independent-minded woman, it's even more troubling to see a fellow chick sell herself short for some guy who just wants to get his nut off. You know?
torranceshipman Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 You go girl! Sounds fab, and stick with it. Queankanne - As for being independent and choosing to be in an adulterous affair, I hear what you're saying-you're right, but speaking for myself, I'm as independent as it gets! - and I still fell in the trap of getting involved with someone committed too...but don't underestimate how these guys can truly manipulate a person/situation to get and keep what they want!
Meaplus3 Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 FF, Good for you!! You can do this FF, I know you can. You know I can relate! AP:)
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Good for you FF! You finally reached your "Enough is Enough" limit and chose to get over it all. Keep on doing what you're doing and remind yourself that you are better off without him in your daily life. He'll be just some neighbour. Nothing more, nothing less.
GreenEyedLady Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 Forbidden, GOOD FOR YOU!!! It will be hard and you'll be tempted to go back...come back to this thread and read it during those moments...
kymberann Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 Yeah! Another convert to XOWdom! It gets better, it gets easier and soon you will see the freedom and relief you will have! Glad you made the big move, you were ready! Best!
Author forbidden fruit Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 Yeah! Another convert to XOWdom! It gets better, it gets easier and soon you will see the freedom and relief you will have! Glad you made the big move, you were ready! Best! I can't believe I did it but I just went to a party with him and his W and my H . We actually had a great time. I played it very cool spent alot of time sitting on my H knee right in front of him. I think he was a little uncomfortable. Plus everyone commented on how great I looked not to brag. It felt very empowering. It still a little hard listen to his w tell stories about him, but all in all I think he was thinking at least for a moment I wish I had me back. Maybe it is possible to be friends with your mm after it is over. We both are married with young kids so how did I think it would turn out any different. does anyone think it is possible or am I just fooling myself.
Island Girl Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 Maybe it is possible to be friends with your mm after it is over. Do your friends use you, manipulate you, only think about themselves and their needs? Mine don't. Good for you for seeing him and the situation for what it is - a whole lot of nothing. Yes you are making the right choice. Yes you deserve better. Especially in friendship.
whichwayisup Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 Maybe it is possible to be friends with your mm after it is over But why would you want to be 'friends' with him? I also think your H more than likely doesn't want you being friends with him. Neighbourly like hi and how are you...But no personal conversations. The more you work on yourself, focus all that energy into your H and kids, the less you'll even care of hearing about MM and what his wife shares about him.
Meaplus3 Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 I can't believe I did it but I just went to a party with him and his W and my H . We actually had a great time. I played it very cool spent alot of time sitting on my H knee right in front of him. I think he was a little uncomfortable. Plus everyone commented on how great I looked not to brag. It felt very empowering. It still a little hard listen to his w tell stories about him, but all in all I think he was thinking at least for a moment I wish I had me back. Maybe it is possible to be friends with your mm after it is over. We both are married with young kids so how did I think it would turn out any different. does anyone think it is possible or am I just fooling myself. FF, So glad everything turned out well at the party. You know I was in that same situation and I was worried myself. As far as a friendship with mm, post affair, I don't think it's a good idea. AP
puddleofmud Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 FF: just a suggestion: Have you ever read about or within therapy learned about proper "boundaries" for oneself? I feel that this would help you should you be interested...
Author forbidden fruit Posted March 5, 2007 Author Posted March 5, 2007 Yeah! Another convert to XOWdom! It gets better, it gets easier and soon you will see the freedom and relief you will have! Glad you made the big move, you were ready! Best! Will I ever have that true freedom with him living across the street. Today was pure agony. Is it going to get easier. I just want to go across the street and slap him. I know i shouldn't care what he thinks and I on't but I still have alot of residual hurt and i don't know what to do with it. It is like we were never best friends and he did not say goodbye to me last night like I never existed. It is till so hurtful and he has no remorse and now I believe all the things he said were just to get me into bed. He did not mean any of them. I want to ask him why did you start this whole thing and tell me you loved me and you wanted to be with me only to go back to your w as if this is what you wanted all along. I don't get it. He screwed me up only to go back to exactly the same situation. People have told me the reason he went back is because you did not do what he wanted you to do. Is there any truth in that. I know I shouldn't care but I do.
whichwayisup Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Why not start journaling your feelings. Never give him any letters, but take some time each day to write to him. Pour out your anger, hurt, frustrations... Read the letter to yourself if you want, then burn it. You aren't going to get ANY answers from him. He screwed me up only to go back to exactly the same situation. And, you also need to own up to your part in this - Just seems that you're putting all the blame on him. Work through your own reasons of why you let him reel you in...Is it that you're just as angry at yourself, as well as him? It took two to let the affair go as far as it did. And, you need to forgive yourself. Make peace with all this and move on. If you can't do that, then you'll be stuck in this frame of mind for a while.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 People have told me the reason he went back is because you did not do what he wanted you to do. But you did do what he wanted you to do. You allowed him to have an affair with you, and get away with it. He got to have you for a while, and got to keep his wife too in the end. That's exactly what he wanted, and exactly what he got. It is like we were never best friends Were you really best friends? My best friend would never ask me to cheat or lie, or cover for their cheating and lies nor would they ever ask me to participate in a situation which could destroy not one but two families. Best friends keep each others best interests in mind. Affairs are never in anyone's best interests, and I can't imagine how an affair partner could ever be mistaken for a "friend" much less a "best friend". True friends would never ask or expect an affair from you.
Author forbidden fruit Posted March 7, 2007 Author Posted March 7, 2007 But you did do what he wanted you to do. You allowed him to have an affair with you, and get away with it. He got to have you for a while, and got to keep his wife too in the end. That's exactly what he wanted, and exactly what he got. Were you really best friends? My best friend would never ask me to cheat or lie, or cover for their cheating and lies nor would they ever ask me to participate in a situation which could destroy not one but two families. Best friends keep each others best interests in mind. Affairs are never in anyone's best interests, and I can't imagine how an affair partner could ever be mistaken for a "friend" much less a "best friend". True friends would never ask or expect an affair from you. We were great friends before the A . So the other day he sees me from across the street. I am going in my house like I don't see him. Well he asks what is going on. I say nothing and to proceed to go in. He follows me and in and sits down . I am in shock and want to scream at him like you sit down and chat as if nothing has happened between us. The only reason I i did not was because my kids were there. He is not feeling great and continues talking. I do not hear anything and for some reason I am so nervous and practically shaking. He leaves and then calls me a little later to ask me something. I act very nonchantly whereas a couple of weeks ago I would of been into what he had to say. What is he doing? I guess i was wrong I don't think I can talk to him because just seeing him brings a whole set of emotions. I think he is testing the waters to see what my boundaries are. Any ideas?
whichwayisup Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 For starters, it is YOUR house and he should NOT be following you in, without permission. Boundry #1 - Tell him he is NOT allowed into your house unless he's invited in. Next time say, now isn't a good time to come in. Goodbye. Close the door.. Tell him to stop calling you like you two are close buddies. Forget how close you USED to be BEFORE the affair, all that means NOTHING now, since your affair. You cannot be friends with him. A hello, goodbye, a wave, how's it going, (then YOU keep on going inside your house) etc...You don't owe him anything. Set your boundries up. You can't handle ANY friendship right now from him until you are in complete control of your emotions and feelings for him. Who cares if he wasn't feeling great, that's not your problem. He should be talking to his wife not you. Stay strong and get call display.
Author forbidden fruit Posted March 9, 2007 Author Posted March 9, 2007 For starters, it is YOUR house and he should NOT be following you in, without permission. Boundry #1 - Tell him he is NOT allowed into your house unless he's invited in. Next time say, now isn't a good time to come in. Goodbye. Close the door.. Tell him to stop calling you like you two are close buddies. Forget how close you USED to be BEFORE the affair, all that means NOTHING now, since your affair. You cannot be friends with him. A hello, goodbye, a wave, how's it going, (then YOU keep on going inside your house) etc...You don't owe him anything. Set your boundries up. You can't handle ANY friendship right now from him until you are in complete control of your emotions and feelings for him. I totally understand what you are saying and I should be going all of the things you mentioned, but I am only human and I need advice on what I do that isn't the exact way to handle the siutation. You give great advice, but not always fitting of the entire circumstances. It is easier said than done and sometimes we all falter a little bit before enacting the right way to end the relationship. Today was one of those days. He was home sick and nice me gives him some movies to watch. First off I knew it was a bad idea the minute I left my house, but I did not stop myself. When I saw him he could barely look me in the eye. When i went in his house we starting talking like old friends, but still very awkward. He of course starts complaining about everything in his life and he is visibly uncomfortable and so by that point so was I. It was as if he never told me he loved me. never slept with me and never told me he wanted a future with me. He just kept complaining about his life. At this point my H comes home and I abruptly leave. He is still in shock that I left. I barely said goodbye because I was mad at myself and him. Now i am wondering where I go from here. Maybe I have to rethink the friends thing . I just feel too much to be unbiased. I have been thinking more about what I want and myself these days. but I am still confused about us?
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Why not just come right out and tell him you cannot handle being friends with him and he's making it really diffcult for you? Just be honest, and nice about it. Tell him you both need to distance yourselves from eachother and detach, for the sake of your families. Your mind seems to know what it wants, but then your heart and emotions take over. I know it isn't easy for you, you've come a long way and been working hard. Give yourself credit! Look back afew months ago at your older posts, and compare them to where you are now. BIG difference.
GreenEyedLady Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Hi Forbidden! Sorry that you're in such a difficult situation...just decide what you want and go after it... If you truly want to make it work with your H, put everything that you feel for MM in the back of your head...concentrate on the fact that he is a whiner and coward and you need someone who can be strong and make the hard decisions in life...
Author forbidden fruit Posted March 9, 2007 Author Posted March 9, 2007 Hi Forbidden! Sorry that you're in such a difficult situation...just decide what you want and go after it... If you truly want to make it work with your H, put everything that you feel for MM in the back of your head...concentrate on the fact that he is a whiner and coward and you need someone who can be strong and make the hard decisions in life... Hi Gel it is so funny that you said that about my H because he is so strong and is so decisive. I guess at the time I needed someone more like my xmm. The total opposite of my h. The thing for me is I still have all these feelings for xmm and I know he does for me. Ir would be so much easier for me to move on if he would tell and I would tell him. Instead there are all these unresolved feelings and everytime I see him I am not sure how to be.I love him and hate him. Do you agree with wwway in how to deal with him
GreenEyedLady Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Hi Gel it is so funny that you said that about my H because he is so strong and is so decisive. I guess at the time I needed someone more like my xmm. The total opposite of my h. The thing for me is I still have all these feelings for xmm and I know he does for me. Ir would be so much easier for me to move on if he would tell and I would tell him. Instead there are all these unresolved feelings and everytime I see him I am not sure how to be.I love him and hate him. Do you agree with wwway in how to deal with him I just think that you have to decide that YOU DON'T REALLY WANT him, at least not the way things are...people stay in situations that aren't good for them because they think it may work out for them...and maybe sometimes it does...but there's just a point when you have to cut your losses for YOU... Maybe you're not entirely there yet...but when you realize he's not as great as he seems, I think you'll be able to handle it better...
Author forbidden fruit Posted March 10, 2007 Author Posted March 10, 2007 I just think that you have to decide that YOU DON'T REALLY WANT him, at least not the way things are...people stay in situations that aren't good for them because they think it may work out for them...and maybe sometimes it does...but there's just a point when you have to cut your losses for YOU... Maybe you're not entirely there yet...but when you realize he's not as great as he seems, I think you'll be able to handle it better... Today I have realized or maybe it is how he has handled the whole situation. I really want him to know how much he has hurt me. He looks at me now like I have just royally screwed her and I think I will get away with it. It is a tough pill for me to swallow and I want him to know while I look on the surface like everything is fine I really am not. I guess everything he said was a lie and I am having a hard time letting him get away with that. Should I have to smile across the street like everything is fine and he actually had the nerve to give me the peace sign. Is he trying to tell me something?
Island Girl Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 Today I have realized or maybe it is how he has handled the whole situation. I really want him to know how much he has hurt me. He looks at me now like I have just royally screwed her and I think I will get away with it. It is a tough pill for me to swallow and I want him to know while I look on the surface like everything is fine I really am not. I guess everything he said was a lie and I am having a hard time letting him get away with that. Should I have to smile across the street like everything is fine and he actually had the nerve to give me the peace sign. Is he trying to tell me something? If you let him know how much he has hurt you it is just another pat on the back for him. The best revenge is living well - it really, really, is. You don't have to smile across the street. Just think how you treat people that you couldn't care less about -- and treat him like THAT. He is insignificant. Not worth your time, effort, or thoughts. Yes everything he said was a lie. But he is going to continue being the cunning manipulative jackass he is. And what you feel doesn't matter. It never did. He only cares about how he feels. He thinks everyone should care about how he feels. So not giving a crap about him or how he feels is the biggest slap in the face. I hope you get to the point where you can truly look at him and, without emotion (he'd see that as a cover for the fact that you care), you tell him, "I must have been so lost to be attracted to you. Thank God I snapped out of it." And then lightheartedly say, "bye" and walk away from him. If he tries to talk to you, say, "wait, why am I talking to you?" or roll your eyes like you are just not interested in the least and walk away. You are above it. You do realize he is a selfish self centered egocentric narcissist right? So why waste any time on him at all?
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