snowjack Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 My wife had been unhappy for a while, and I wasn't real happy either. We were married in 1997 after dating for about two years. We had a big fight in February 2006, and afterwards I acknowledged that I could be doing more to make our marriage work. I thought she could be doing a LOT more too, but I figured I'd get my own house in order first. I was earning all the money, and doing about 1/3 of the housework. She was doing the rest of the housework, and basically nothing else. We never had kids, and I'm not a slob, so there really wasn't that much housework to do anyway. So I bought her flowers, started working out regularly, and did more of the housework. I lost 30 pounds, and worked to make things more interesting in the bedroom. She always wanted kids, so we went to the fertility clinic and gave AI a shot (at the time it seemed like things were going a little better, and I was optimistic). Later, I dragged her to marriage counselling. She refused to go anymore after three sessions, and wasn't responding to anything I did romantically. I spent almost every waking moment for six months trying to make a positive connection with her, and got nothing. For example, I planned a canoe trip, and I'd be trying to talk about us and about the future, and about having kids, but she spent the whole time complaining about what a bitch my best friend's wife was. When I wasn't working to make things better, I was talking with my "best friend" and trying to make sense of it all while he shook his head and shrugged. All her bitching about his wife should have been a clue. I came home from work early one day in October, and caught them in the bedroom with the door locked. His truck was parked down the street. She had been fooling around with him since before Christmas. He hasn't had the balls to make any contact at all, and I don't really care. We had been friends for seventeen years. I'm devastated, but there's no way I would ever forgive him, so any contact would just be pointless and painful anyway. In fact, I'm glad my last contact with him was painful (for his face, anyway). We're in the process of a divorce now. She doesn't even seem to think she owes me an apology. She blames me for "driving her into his arms" and somehow feels that my neglect justifies her betrayal. As if I was the only one who was ever neglectful. By the way, the worst extent of my neglect amounts to things like procrastinating on yardwork, not finding time to buy a gift for Valentine's day (the $120 gourmet restaurant dinner doesn't count), and getting the wrong kind of chocolates on our anniversary (apparently Godiva's no good). Yeah, I wasn't the perfect husband. But who is? I never abused her, mentally or physically, never disrespected her, supported her financially, and I loved her. I just can't stop thinking about how the two most important people in my life could have so little regard for my feelings. It's been five months since we separated, and I'm still obsessing about it every day. I think if she had just been honest with me and left me a year ago, I would be OK. I would be sad, but I'd be well on my way to healing by now. I keep telling myself that it's for the best. Now I know what a jackass my so-called friend was, and I keep telling myself it will be a lot easier to be an attentive partner to someone who actually appreciates me. It's all for the best, right? It just drives me nuts that I gave it everything I had while she strung me along, and it still wasn't good enough for her. What the hell?!
norajane Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 I'm so sorry things turned out the way they did! I can't help but feel that you are better off without her, though. A woman who will have an affair with your best friend without ever putting much into your marriage isn't someone with whom you can be happy in the long run. I imagine your friend's wife is probably feeling very much the same things you are now - two marriages destroyed by two very selfish people. Your divorce will free you to eventually meet someone who can and will be a true partner to you. And honestly, consider yourself fortunate that you didn't have children together - that would make all this so much harder, so you at least don't have to deal with that kind of pain. I know this is really hard for you now, and if you aren't seeing a therapist to help you through your pain, it might be a good idea. Please keep posting here, and maybe post your thread in the Infidelity section. If nothing else, read through some of the threads in Infidelity. There are a lot of people who have struggled through the same kinds of thing that you are delaing with, so you might find some comfort and some good advice that applies to you. Good luck to you.
LakesideDream Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Snowjack, I cannot impress on you to heavily how lucky you are !!! I lived in your situation for 25 years. Successfully raised two kids, and poof! as soon as the second kid turned 18 she was in someone elses bed full time, instead of the part time she'd settled for over two decades. 25 years is a long period of time. I don't have that much left. You still have time to start over and accomplish something, build for the future, enjoy your youth. Thank Gawd every day, and move on down the road.
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Yeah a certain word describes her and it's a word most women don't like to hear...I think you know what word I'm talking about!! And, did ya know?? Men can be called 'it' too! So your soon to be ex and your ex bestfriend are both 'that'! I am sorry that they betrayed you, but you're gonna be better off and one day when you're ready a wonderful woman will walk into your life who will appreciate you and all that you have to offer. Hang in there, and keep posting.
jmargel Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 I kinda know where you are at. Though I was only engaged to her (with her 5 years) and lived with her, she was cheating on me with my friend of 15 years. It hurts twice as much because you had a good friend and your love betray you. It took a very long time for me to trust again, and like your wife when this was happening my ex was blaming me for it. It took 3 years, then one day she appeared at my door to apologize for everything to tell me it was her and her immaturity that caused all of this. By the way she married him, had a kid then divorced him.. She then married & had a kid with HIS friend. She is now living in his parent's basement on food stamps with two kids. So justice and karma will eventually come back to meet your wife as it did my ex. What you need to do is not concentrate on where you are at and what has happened, but on what you are going to do about it. Your wife has alot of maturity issues and you can't make her see that. No one can, it has to come from within' and the only way she can fix that is by going to counseling. Unfortunetly life doesn't come with an instruction booklet so we don't know what to do nor do we know whats on the next page. It wasn't anything that you did/said (from your post) that made her do this. It was all on her. She would have ended up doing this to anyone at this point in her life no matter who she was married too.
Woggle Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 It sounds like a typical entitled woman. Consider yourself lucky and don't blame yourself because there are many men going through the exact same thing you are. Just divorce her and move on with your life. Also ditch the friend who is a sorry excuse for a man. No true friend ever sleeps with a friend's spouse. I know it seems like life is hard right now but get yourself involved in a hobby. Do something you enjoy to take your mind off of it.
ilmw Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 It sounds like a typical entitled woman. Consider yourself lucky and don't blame yourself because there are many men going through the exact same thing you are. Just divorce her and move on with your life. Also ditch the friend who is a sorry excuse for a man. No true friend ever sleeps with a friend's spouse. I know it seems like life is hard right now but get yourself involved in a hobby. Do something you enjoy to take your mind off of it. I could not agree more (about the friend) Firstly.. he slept with a married woman.. (shows very poor character) Secondly.. He slept with his friends wife... shows that he is a deceitful.... well a *ucking scum bag.... You are ment to trust friends... look out for each others backs... not stab them in the back. I have seen this happen before... and the betrayed spouse almost went to jail for it... the betrayer... well he ended up in the Hospital.... You have shown great restraint..... that shows your character... your maturity. I agree.... flush these too out of your life.... they are lower... than crap!!
boshemia Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 At least you were smart enough to get out early. I made the mistake of staying, for nearly six more years. By the time we split he confessed to at least eight affairs... The girl he was with when I caught him wasn't a good friend, but still a friend... I refused to even have friends most of the time we were married. She was also the last person I ever raised a hand to, somehow beating the holy hell out of her did nothing for me. She was under my husband at the time, and it still made me feel like crap. After all of that I promised myself if I ever have to keep my dog on a leash again... I'll just get a new dog. So good for you for getting out, now stay out. And don't let those old irrational thoughts take hold, yes you can trust people again, it just takes time. Not trusting other people actually comes down to not trusting yourself and your own judgement... Take some time to rebuild yourself, learn to trust you again, then trust others again. I'm sorry you had to go through that, it hurts like hell.
Author snowjack Posted March 3, 2007 Author Posted March 3, 2007 Thanks, everyone, for your wisdom and good advice. It's nice to hear some sane responses to an insane situation.
johan Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 Where's Dr. Phil when you need him? I assume he spends a lot of time banging Oprah. I just hope they use protection, because their spawn would probably signal the end of times.
luvtoto Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 I assume he spends a lot of time banging Oprah. I just hope they use protection, because their spawn would probably signal the end of times. Dr. Phil is the BOMB!!! I DVR his show everyday.
luvtoto Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 the guy's a total fraud. Why would you say that? Do you watch the Dr. Phil show? Have you seen him in action?
alphamale Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 Why would you say that? Do you watch the Dr. Phil show? Have you seen him in action? yea i've seen him "in action"....he's an idiot who panders to women's fears.
luvtoto Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 yea i've seen him "in action"....he's an idiot who panders to women's fears. I think he empowers women. At least he has me.
alphamale Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 I think he empowers women. At least he has me. The only thing he's "empowering" is his own bank account, just like Oprah...
luvtoto Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 The only thing he's "empowering" is his own bank account, just like Oprah... Uh, Oprah is a philanthropist. She's shares her wealth with the world.
ilmw Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 the guy's a total fraud. I may not agree with everything you post.... but I never get tired of them..
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