Virgo1982 Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 I've gotta differ from some of the others here. I'd be relieved at his response. It's a realistic answer, and doesn't put you in the mode of "this must work at all costs, because I gave up xxxxxx for you." I have to agree. I know my MM would feel that way. He's that kind of person. It would always be thrown up in my face. What he did for me... However, it does strike me as odd that you repeatedly asked him about the relationship not working out. Why is that?
will2power Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 my 2 cents... not that its worth much nowadays... "at least I got out of a bad marriage" is equivocal to he is leaving for himself and not for you. You might be a catalyst to his leaving but there were many red flags prior to your involvement with him. I am saying this as an OW and a former WS (now sMW). My marriage wasn't horrible, but there were so many red flags along the way... when sMM entered the picture (he was married at the time) and I first fell in love, the red flag of him coming into my life made the matador's red flag look like a hanky. Not only that, the bull ran into the china shop and wrecked so much havoc that it was just better to close up shop, make an insurance claim and hope for a better future. I know I'm using a lot of metaphors... sorry... just one of those evenings. What I'm trying to say is that you are not the problem in their marriage. He needs to own up to what really went wrong and grieve and heal from his separation. You will need an ocean's worth of patience and he will grieve. If he doesn't then it won't work out. Mine is grieving the loss of stability right now. Its hard to be able to comfort him when I grieve my own losses and wonder where things will turn up for the two of us. Take good care and read as much as you can about people going through divorces so you are armed with the tools you need to protect your heart.
Cr8zy8 Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Lona - In my case, my OM left his W for me and we are still committed. I know that a "committment" is never a guarantee even though vows are made. People and feelings change. There's a twist to my story...It turns out that I, at some point, NOT HIM, strayed from our commitment after he and I were together. I know the signs, and I know what to look for - but with all the worrying that OW make when they end up with their MMs, please make sure you ask yourself if you are totally prepared to just jump right into a situation where you go from part-time (perhaps getting only the best moments of him) to a full-time one and need to deal with EVERYTHING that you may not have had to deal with up until now. You should definitely only DATE after his D until you know everything about him. It is extremely important that you know that he is not really leaving his M for you, but that he is doing it to get out of a bad relationship. If you feel that things between you and him DON'T work out and shouldn't move forward, you will have no feelings of Guilt. I wish I had done that, it may have helped prevent being where I am....I hope everything works out for you.
Confused27 Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 i definitely think that in these types of situations, brutal honesty is key. It is the only way to wipe the proverbial slate clean and start fresh with one another. So many people leave their relationships without having someone on the side. It happens all the time for any number of reasons ....they then start dating and know that it is their responsibility to work through their issues. There shouldn't be a diference just because they already have a landing pad. What I don't like sometimes is how people say " if he is cheating on her/him, he'll cheat on you" or "you should've known better" uh...no every situation is different. If you go into any relationship expecting the worst, then that is what you are going to get. Again, if you had met him after his divorce, you wouldn't be concerned at all....I wouldn't now. Bad timing. So what? You never know... you guys being together may be absolute destiny. I also want to add that I don't like the general idea I see in here of the OW/OM being always treated like the victim. We have no idea what is going through the heads of the MM or MW...by being in the affair, we are screwing with their heads just as much as they are ours. To say that MM'S are liars, cheaters, etc. is to talk about yourself. Of course, no one likes it when the finger is pointed at them, but we are all adults and are all lying and cheating in these relationships. I'm sure that in the majority of the relationships that the feeling is real. Why else would someone risk "it all" for anything other than love and the possibility of happiness. Maybe one of the reasons that it doesn't work out that much is that the OW and OM take this subservient approach which makes the relationship unbalanced. Relationships need balance to work. Making the MM/MW out to be a huge monster does nothing but assure that it will never work out because you are dodging reality and putting yourself into a role that isn't true.
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