Lona411 Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 I know that a lot of people on here think their MM will be leaving his wife any day now to be with them, or maybe not. I was just curious at how often that works out. What happens when he DOES leave his wife for you? Can you go from being the other woman to being the wife? I'm with a man who is in the process of a divorce. I have told him time and again, what happens if it doesn't work out between us once he's divorced and his answer is always "At least I got out of a bad relationship"...
Miss_Bee Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 What a horrible thing to say to you! I would feel very insulted if someone said that to me. It almost sounds like he's using you as a crutch. Is he still living with his wife, or have they been separated for some time? How long have you two been together?
Guest Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Hi Lona, welcome. Sounds like you will not be the OW for much longer--good for you. Can you give a few more details of your affair and whether you had to go NC to get to the stage of your m leaving. It does sound as if he was thinking of leaving the m anyway, which of course does help. I'm not qualified to comment on the transition bit, but there are others who I am sure will help. Good luck anyway.
Jinxx Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 What happens when he DOES leave his wife for you? Can you go from being the other woman to being the wife? Yes, this can happen. My ex-husband married his OW several years after our divorce. That was late 90's. They are still married. It seems to be working well for them.
Salicious Crumb Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 I know that a lot of people on here think their MM will be leaving his wife any day now to be with them, or maybe not. I was just curious at how often that works out. What happens when he DOES leave his wife for you? Can you go from being the other woman to being the wife? I'm with a man who is in the process of a divorce. I have told him time and again, what happens if it doesn't work out between us once he's divorced and his answer is always "At least I got out of a bad relationship"... The question is...what makes the "new wife" that was once the OW think that they will not be in the BS seat with this guy?
mopar crazy Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 I know that a lot of people on here think their MM will be leaving his wife any day now to be with them, or maybe not. I was just curious at how often that works out. What happens when he DOES leave his wife for you? Can you go from being the other woman to being the wife? I'm with a man who is in the process of a divorce. I have told him time and again, what happens if it doesn't work out between us once he's divorced and his answer is always "At least I got out of a bad relationship"... OUCH! That had to be a stab in the heart! Doesn't leave you w/ very good thoughts on your R. My H also left me for the OW. Went through court for CS and A, just waited until the court hearing for the D proceedings. A month later H called and admitted to the A (both him and OW lied to me about it). He said he made a mistake, blah, blah, blah. We have been reconciled for 4 years so he didn't leave me for the OW like she thought he was going to. Just b/c the MM even files for a D doesn't always mean he is going to stay w/ the OW. I know there are some cases where the MM and the OW do get M and are happy though.
Babybird Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 The question is...what makes the "new wife" that was once the OW think that they will not be in the BS seat with this guy? I haven't seen anyone writing that they don't think MM will ever cheat on them. I think a lot of OW would be a little more suspicious than the average wife. I also think OW has a little more knowledge of what to look for, and signs that would give him away if he did cheat. Which if the R is really like that it's really pathetic. Who would want to be in a R where you don't trust your significant other?
norajane Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 I know that a lot of people on here think their MM will be leaving his wife any day now to be with them, or maybe not. I was just curious at how often that works out. What happens when he DOES leave his wife for you? Can you go from being the other woman to being the wife? I'm with a man who is in the process of a divorce. I have told him time and again, what happens if it doesn't work out between us once he's divorced and his answer is always "At least I got out of a bad relationship"... How is he supposed to answer that question anyway? What kind of answer were you hoping for? What is it you need to hear? He can't give you any guarantees that things are going to work out between you for sure - he made a commitment to his wife when they got married and that didn't work out, so he's well aware that things don't always work out. What if it doesn't work out between you? Then what happens is the same thing that happens to everyone else who gets a divorce and/or breaks up from a LTR...they mourn for a while and then move one with their lives.
silktricks Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 I know that a lot of people on here think their MM will be leaving his wife any day now to be with them, or maybe not. I was just curious at how often that works out. What happens when he DOES leave his wife for you? Can you go from being the other woman to being the wife? I'm with a man who is in the process of a divorce. I have told him time and again, what happens if it doesn't work out between us once he's divorced and his answer is always "At least I got out of a bad relationship"... I've gotta differ from some of the others here. I'd be relieved at his response. It's a realistic answer, and doesn't put you in the mode of "this must work at all costs, because I gave up xxxxxx for you." Some relationships work out, some don't. I knew an MM who got divorced to be with the OW, and she dumped him like a hot potato . . . until he got married again to someone else, Go figure. (I actually know both MM and OW in this particular case.) I know two other couples who got married. One seems to be happy, the other appears to be miserable - but he cheated on HER too, so that's just kinda what he's like, I guess. Just like any other kind of relationship, if it works it's great, if it doesn't, it sucks. No matter how a relationship starts, though, they take a great deal of work, so good luck.
Guest Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 I was the other woman something i'm not proud of at all, and he did leave his wife a month after we got together, with no coaxing by me. We stayed together for 2 years until I started not trusting him and got rid of him a couple of years ago. Go figure. He is seeing someone else, but still calling me and proclaiming his love. Whatever. Not every situation is the same but think about how it started... most won't last. Just my 2¢ and personal experience for whatever it's worth.
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Go read threads by oyster, ratingsguy and bonehead. 3 OM involved with MW. Even if you do become his wife, how long will it be before you start having doubts and mistrust? Wondering if he'd cheat on you? Problem about leaving a marriage and then getting into another serious relationship so soon after (especially one from an affair) it leaves no time inbetween to let people work through the loss of the marriage. People need time alone, so that way when the timing is better, a relationship has a better chance of working out. It blows my mind that some think a marriage can end and the poof! Married person leaves spouse and is expected to just jump into another full-on relationship. It's a whole life changing experience for the person leaving their spouse. Not only are they divorcing, but they're changing houses, a lifestyle, losing neighbours, maybe some friends and extended inlaw's family. Lona, if you want a shot at a good relationship with your MM, leave him alone for a while to sort out his life and his feelings before having a real relationship with him. Though to be honest, it sounds like you were (are) his stepping stone to help him OUT of his marriage.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 I have to agree with Silktricks, it IS a good answer. If your MM wasn't married and was a single guy would you expect a guarantee about the future then? The fact is there's no guarantees in any relationship. My MM is also currently in the process of divorce after being separated. He used to ask a lot "Will we be ok? Are we going to work?" and my answer always remains, "Who knows, I love you and I'll work as hard on this relationship as I would any relationship but I cant ever offer you a guarantee." If he answered, "Yes, I think our relationship will last a lifetime" would you not become suspicious that he may be using your relationship as a fantasy to exit his marriage and once he's in a R with you the fantasy becomes null and void and the R then doesn't work? I think you should stop looking for guarantees from him. There's no point. Just promise yourself that you'll work hard to make your relationship a fighting chance to work
Author Lona411 Posted March 2, 2007 Author Posted March 2, 2007 How is he supposed to answer that question anyway? What kind of answer were you hoping for? What is it you need to hear? He can't give you any guarantees that things are going to work out between you for sure - he made a commitment to his wife when they got married and that didn't work out, so he's well aware that things don't always work out. What if it doesn't work out between you? Then what happens is the same thing that happens to everyone else who gets a divorce and/or breaks up from a LTR...they mourn for a while and then move one with their lives. Thank you very much for your insight. I didn't get that to come across quite the way I meant it to. When I asked him that, what I really was trying to get across was that I don't want for him to regret this. I know that relationships don't always work out and I know there are no guarantees in life, I'm the one that is telling him to make sure that the divorce is what he wants, that he's not just leaving his wife and thinking we'll end up happily ever after...
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 I'm the one that is telling him to make sure that the divorce is what he wants, that he's not just leaving his wife and thinking we'll end up happily ever after... It is a test of your relationship with him. A real one I mean, that it will be out in the open, no more sneaking around and lying about it. You two can meet eachothers families, friends etc...And, go through what most go through in relationships, the good, the bad and the ugly. So far, it seems when people are in an affair, it's all good and based on feelings, fantasy etc...Once the excitement of the affair is gone and it becomes a regular relationship with all the ups/downs...THEN you will know and he will know it if it true love.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Thank you very much for your insight. I didn't get that to come across quite the way I meant it to. When I asked him that, what I really was trying to get across was that I don't want for him to regret this. I know that relationships don't always work out and I know there are no guarantees in life, I'm the one that is telling him to make sure that the divorce is what he wants, that he's not just leaving his wife and thinking we'll end up happily ever after... Ah, well I misunderstood your original post then. If he regrets it, he regrets it - you need to get out of the mindset that he's leaving his marriage for you. I try to concentrate on the fact that his M isn't working and that's why he is leaving it - not because of me, although he states that he probably wouldn't have left had I not showed him a different way of having a R. Regardless, in my mind, his marriage isn't working, our Relationship might work if we put the work into it, and I can never give him guarantees.
Author Lona411 Posted March 2, 2007 Author Posted March 2, 2007 Again, thanks for the advice. Especially getting out of that mindset. Easier said than done, right? He really is amazing and I am looking forward to being in a "real" R with him. We'll see what happens.
frannie Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 I know that a lot of people on here think their MM will be leaving his wife any day now to be with them, or maybe not. I was just curious at how often that works out. What happens when he DOES leave his wife for you? Can you go from being the other woman to being the wife? I'm with a man who is in the process of a divorce. I have told him time and again, what happens if it doesn't work out between us once he's divorced and his answer is always "At least I got out of a bad relationship"... Yes, it happens, and long-lasting happy marriages can result from affairs, despite what we read about the shocking figures I've asked my MM a similar question to the one you posed: what happens if you divorce, we get together and it doesn't work out..? Probably for the same reasons you did... I don't want to feel pressured for it all to be OK 'just because' he divorced to be with me... and I don't want to feel I should work on it because of guilt or whatever. It is definitely a worry (and far more of a worry than 'will he cheat again'... as someone said earlier on the thread - Babybird? - if you've been in an affair you're probably more likely to spot problems and be on guard against that possibility a second time). His response was that if he was divorcing it would be because he thought it was the best thing to do for 'all concerned', by which he said he meant his kids, him, and me. And that there would be no pressure on anyone for it to work out: the divorce would happen because of the marriage being wrong, not because it was 'right' to be with me: two separate things. Which did put my mind at rest. I think your MM's response is saying the same thing: it's about the poor marriage, not what happens afterwards (though of course that's a good incentive!).
sb129 Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 I know that a lot of people on here think their MM will be leaving his wife any day now to be with them, or maybe not. I was just curious at how often that works out. What happens when he DOES leave his wife for you? Can you go from being the other woman to being the wife? I'm with a man who is in the process of a divorce. I have told him time and again, what happens if it doesn't work out between us once he's divorced and his answer is always "At least I got out of a bad relationship"... Thas what my exMM used to say... I was the other woman something i'm not proud of at all, and he did leave his wife a month after we got together, with no coaxing by me. We stayed together for 2 years until I started not trusting him and got rid of him a couple of years ago. Go figure. He is seeing someone else, but still calling me and proclaiming his love. Whatever. Not every situation is the same but think about how it started... most won't last. . Very similar to my situation. But we started off on the back foot because there was very little trust- as SC says, I couldn't ever fully trust him. So we split up eventually. VERY toxic relationship. Go read threads by oyster, ratingsguy and bonehead. 3 OM involved with MW. Even if you do become his wife, how long will it be before you start having doubts and mistrust? Wondering if he'd cheat on you? Problem about leaving a marriage and then getting into another serious relationship so soon after (especially one from an affair) it leaves no time inbetween to let people work through the loss of the marriage. People need time alone, so that way when the timing is better, a relationship has a better chance of working out. It blows my mind that some think a marriage can end and the poof! Married person leaves spouse and is expected to just jump into another full-on relationship. It's a whole life changing experience for the person leaving their spouse. Not only are they divorcing, but they're changing houses, a lifestyle, losing neighbours, maybe some friends and extended inlaw's family. Lona, if you want a shot at a good relationship with your MM, leave him alone for a while to sort out his life and his feelings before having a real relationship with him. Though to be honest, it sounds like you were (are) his stepping stone to help him OUT of his marriage. Good advice. Again, I can relate to alot of that. It is very stressful to leave a marriage. You may well be his stepping stone- and his emotional dumping ground when all the stress of leaving hits the fan. I was in that position, and it ended up destroying our relationship. I also had low self esteem etc and accepted alot of bad behaviour from him that I never would now. I would never look at a MM again!!! IMO it was one of the dumbest and smartest things I ever did. Dumb because it involved so much stress and hurt, but smart because it made me grow up alot, and realise that I should value peoples feelings alot more (including my own), by not getting involved with other womens men. I am NOT having a go at any of the OW on here. It took me nearly two years to reach this conclusion, and it was a very tough journey- but its only one story out of millions.
4whatItsWorth Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Well, my dad left his first wife for my mom. But then again he left her for another woman. What goes around will probably come around. So, some OW will end up MW. But I do not think you can ever fully trust the EX-MM.
Izzar Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 It has worked out for me & my s/o. He is divorced. So yes, it can work out.
ratingsguy Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Problem about leaving a marriage and then getting into another serious relationship so soon after (especially one from an affair) it leaves no time inbetween to let people work through the loss of the marriage. People need time alone, so that way when the timing is better, a relationship has a better chance of working out. It blows my mind that some think a marriage can end and the poof! Married person leaves spouse and is expected to just jump into another full-on relationship. It's a whole life changing experience for the person leaving their spouse. Not only are they divorcing, but they're changing houses, a lifestyle, losing neighbours, maybe some friends and extended inlaw's family. Lona, if you want a shot at a good relationship with your MM, leave him alone for a while to sort out his life and his feelings before having a real relationship with him. Though to be honest, it sounds like you were (are) his stepping stone to help him OUT of his marriage. I absolutely agree... mainly because I've found myself in the middle of what WWIU is describing. My MW separated on Jan. 1. She began to distance herself from me a few weeks later. She told me that she needed time to herself for all the reasons given above. It's not what I wanted to hear, but it is understandable, and the ONLY shot I have at having a successful R with my MW at any point in the future. It's painful now being in NC for a few months, but if it's meant to be, we'll get back together. And if and when that happens, my MW can say that she had time to adjust after ending her marriage and changing her day to day routine, had time to date, meet new people and had time to herself... and is NOW able to commit to a new R. It's unrealistic to expect that right away. Lona, you're not alone... this is a learning process for me, too.
Kenzo Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Of the 4 OW/MM "couples" I know, one of them has been ( in the eyes of all OW) successful. He divorced, they married, 2 years ago, baby on the way. I am close to them and I do know that they are quite happy. I have 2 other friends in a similar situation ( as OW ) and myself, not so "successful". Just yesterday, I had this talk with my MM and we kind of went round and round, with the what if's and guarantees, and what sticks out in my head the most was he said," What if this doesn't work out and I have scarred my children, needlessly". I try not to get involved in the kid conversation ever, he'll only resent me for it...but I wanted to tell him that they will be scarred regardless! We all carry baggage from childhood. I think the answer you got from your MM is honest and thankfully you probably won't be resented by him if things don't work out. I think for most of us in this situation a little honesty and "real thinking" on the part of the MM would be a welcome change! As far as the trust thing goes, that is another BIG fear of his, although he says (and I do believe him based on the kind of guy he is) that this is the first and last! But he thinks, by the way we met, that I will always be suspicious of him...not so...his insecurities talking! I try to squash these fears with out pushing the D issue. We are still in the newer stages of our relationship (about 5 months)& I am not ready to let him go or push him away, right or wrong, I do have hope. Don't know what all this brings to the table, but good luck to the both of you!
Kenzo Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Of the 4 OW/MM "couples" I know, one of them has been ( in the eyes of all OW) successful. He divorced, they married, 2 years ago, baby on the way. I am close to them and I do know that they are quite happy. I have 2 other friends in a similar situation ( as OW ) and myself, not so "successful". Just yesterday, I had this talk with my MM and we kind of went round and round, with the what if's and guarantees, and what sticks out in my head the most was he said," What if this doesn't work out and I have scarred my children, needlessly". I try not to get involved in the kid conversation ever, he'll only resent me for it...but I wanted to tell him that they will be scarred regardless! We all carry baggage from childhood. I think the answer you got from your MM is honest and thankfully you probably won't be resented by him if things don't work out. I think for most of us in this situation a little honesty and "real thinking" on the part of the MM would be a welcome change! As far as the trust thing goes, that is another BIG fear of his, although he says (and I do believe him based on the kind of guy he is) that this is the first and last! But he thinks, by the way we met, that I will always be suspicious of him...not so...his insecurities talking! I try to squash these fears with out pushing the D issue. We are still in the newer stages of our relationship (about 5 months)& I am not ready to let him go or push him away, right or wrong, I do have hope. Don't know what all this brings to the table, but good luck to the both of you!
outofdarkness Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 I know that a lot of people on here think their MM will be leaving his wife any day now to be with them, or maybe not. I was just curious at how often that works out. What happens when he DOES leave his wife for you? Can you go from being the other woman to being the wife? I'm with a man who is in the process of a divorce. I have told him time and again, what happens if it doesn't work out between us once he's divorced and his answer is always "At least I got out of a bad relationship"... I think that's a pretty cold and callous thing to say to you when you asked what would happen if things don't work out w/ you all...
Uncertain1983 Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 Lona, I think I'm in the same boat you are. My MM has gotten separated from his wife. He says its for him and I really hope that it is. I was curious though. Does he have kids? Does he still talk to the W? My MM does everyday because they have two kids together and he calls to talk to the kids. So, I know one day she and I will have to have some kind of relationship to make this work. Do you think you will have to have some kind of relationship with your MM's W? Does she know about you?
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