Kasey443 Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 I am new here and asking what your thoughts are on the position I am in. This is not about me ( I am divorced after almost this exact same scenario happening to me ) but my sister. She is positive her hubby of 25 years is having an emotional affair with a married co-worker. This supposed friendship has been going on for about a year. I see where this could easily lead and am at a loss as what advice to give her, she called me today with the latest ( the coworker made a B-day cake for him, yet didn't for the single guy that works there saying his family could take care of that ). This is only one thing in many that has happened over the last year. The OW was inviting my brother in law over for supper after work, he would stop there, eat, and not tell my sis till he got home. OW spends half the day visiting with him while he works, telling about her kids, grandkids, and he in turn raves about her cooking, has changed his tastes in food to what she likes, has purchased a workout machine, buys breath mints, compared my sis to her, given her rides, let her drive his prize vehicle, has gone out of his way to pick up things she asked him to, or gifts at holidays that everybody else is supposedly going in on that he works with. He has also gone to my neice ( his own daughter ) and asked her to talk to her mom about her weight, said it is getting out of hand, and told her how her mother embarrassed him at a work get together, was rude, and how he was never taking her there again. My sister does not know about these conversations. And she only knew about the cake today because she asked him if the coworker made him one AGAIN, like she did last year, he grudgingly said yes. I was married 15 years, I was with my husband 20 years total, at one time, he was the most honest trusting person in the world, yet this is exactly how his affair started, with a coworker. When she calls and tells me things, I am not sure what advice to give, it just looks like a repeat of what i went through, I don't see anything good that comes out of this. Any advice would be appreciated. What in the world do I say when she calls to rant about yet another scenario with this coworker?
silktricks Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 She could kill him now and get it over with :lmao: :lmao: Speaking from my own past, I think the best thing is for her to decide first what SHE wants to do. Does she want to hide and pretend that it's not happening? Hope that it stops on its own? It may, but the odds are that it will not. So, if she doesn't want to do that (and I don't recommend it personally), I would probably recommend that she sit down with him and have a very serious talk. If she could get him to MC, that would be an excellent move, otherwise, at the very least, she needs some IC for herself. Best of luck to her and to you, too. Seeing your sister go through what you already experienced has got to be bringing the pain back for yourself as well.
outofdarkness Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 EA's frequently lead to PA's...If it's not already going on...I have said before that as a BS, I found the EA's just as, if not MORE threatening then the PA's. Hope this all works out...Sounds really dicey...
Author Kasey443 Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 Thankyou for your quick reply. She has sat down with him and let him know her thoughts on everything a few times already, he was very understanding at the time, just like my hubby was, then it all goes out the window. From what I am hearing from her, it is like she wants to rant and rave, then deny there may even be a chance of anything going on. BTW, he works out of town, who knows what he has not told her. I myself would have checked on him long ago, she has not, maybe she really wants to stick her head in the sand? Yes it does bring back memories of my own situation, but luckily I am now happy and single. I will suggest MC, but am positive she will just continue to complain and HOPE it goes away. I myself would rather know one way or the other.
outofdarkness Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Thankyou for your quick reply. She has sat down with him and let him know her thoughts on everything a few times already, he was very understanding at the time, just like my hubby was, then it all goes out the window. From what I am hearing from her, it is like she wants to rant and rave, then deny there may even be a chance of anything going on. BTW, he works out of town, who knows what he has not told her. I myself would have checked on him long ago, she has not, maybe she really wants to stick her head in the sand? Yes it does bring back memories of my own situation, but luckily I am now happy and single. I will suggest MC, but am positive she will just continue to complain and HOPE it goes away. I myself would rather know one way or the other. ahhh...the old "sticking the head in the sand"...I dont' know if it's the same, but I am pretty sure that on a sub conscience level, I DID know something was going on, but buried it b/c it was simply too painful to think about...It's so easy, when you trust someone so much, to look the other way, whether consciously or unconsciously...Hope she will be able to face what is obviously going on, take care of herself and move on one way or the other...Know how hard it is!!! My heart goes out to her...and you b/c you seem like you are very close to her. I have sisters too, and I know that when they hurt, I hurt!! Good for you for trying to help her!!
Author Kasey443 Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 When I look back on my own situation, I saw many red flags, examples from hubby: the OW needed help fixing something, she was new in town and didn't know anybody, she was really good at her job, he had to work late to train her, I didn't tell you I stopped by her house to fix something because I thought nothing of it etc., yet I couldn't prove a thing, because at that time, it was an EA that had not turned physical yet. I think that's what makes it so hard, if it is not physical, it is easier to explain away, especailly if they can say they didn't touch her. And when you are with somebody for so many years, you naturally want to believe they could never do this to you. It would be much easier to decide what to do if it were black or white, but these EA's are gray. I don't think my sis knows what she wants to tell you the truth.
silktricks Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 it was an EA that had not turned physical yet. I think that's what makes it so hard, if it is not physical, it is easier to explain away, especailly if they can say they didn't touch her. It's easier for them to convince themselves that they aren't really doing anything wrong. My H didn't really allow himself to see that what he had done was so wrong until he saw the consequences to me. And when you are with somebody for so many years, you naturally want to believe they could never do this to you. It would be much easier to decide what to do if it were black or white, but these EA's are gray. I don't think my sis knows what she wants to tell you the truth. That probably the truth. It's really hard to know what you want. For me, too, there were many red flags, and I'm sure now, that in my heart I knew something was going on, but wouldn't take the steps to verify.
Author Kasey443 Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 I believe she also doesn't want to verify anything, because it would be too painfull, and what she doesn't know, she doesn't have to do anything about. She knows she would not be able to handle it.
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