NoIDidn't Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 I have to admit that I am far from fully recovered but wanted to share this as it has been a topic on many threads as of late - and I didn't want to Thread-Jack. I have learned tons here and other places on the net about infidelity following finding out about my H's EA. I could go on and on about that, but I wanted to address what I learned about trust. I am not a trusting person to begin with. I had to force myself to trust my H when we were dating because of many failed attempts at Rs in the past where betrayal featured prominently. Betrayals come in many forms, so I am not just talking about infidelities by past partners. Most of the time I was finding out that I was the "other" and had to end the R because I refused that status. When I found out about the A, I was broken hearted. I felt gutted from the inside out, like all of my insides had been removed and I was just a shell of a person. It took a long time to get beyond that point. My H agreed to the measures that I requested to help me trust him, but would eventually break them, so I told him to drop them. I resented and regretted doing that. Since we were in MC, I spoke about it there. What I didn't say was "I don't trust you". What I did say was "I want to trust you but find it difficult when you don't keep your word." I told him that I accept that I can't control him or his actions, but I don't want to resign myself to a lifetime of distrust of him or his motives. I am learning to set boundaries in all of my R. I am much more trusting today than I have ever been since childhood. I learned that its okay not to trust 100%, and that has helped me in many ways - not just in my M. Because my H no longer has a requirement to *report* to me his interactions with his AP, he volunteers that info whenever it happens. He volunteers any interactions with women that he knows that I might find disconcerting. And he doesn't see it as drugery or the worst thing that could ever happen to him. I didn't think I would ever feel the way that I feel right now. I didn't think that people could be trusted as far as I could throw them. Now, I have learned how to set more realistic expectations of others and of myself. I still don't think that my H's EA was the best thing that could have happened to me (there's a book claiming that), but without it I would not have taken a nice long look at myself. It has not been a pleasant journey, but a very necessary one. We are recovering, but its not easy. Its the hardest thing we have ever had to do. Falling in love the first time is easy. Getting back the love after respect has dwindled and trust is virtually zero, feels nearly impossible. Funny thing is that respect is rebuilt along with trust when you see your partners willingness to be vulnerable and right a wrong. I don't know that I have the strength to accept the lumps that my H has, so I really respect his efforts at becoming a better person, H, and father. He has failed a lot, as have I, but we both have learned much from our failures. If we keep up the hard work of rebuilding our M, we will have the M that we have dreamed of and that makes it worth it.
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