Starlight Starbright Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Here is my previous post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t113498/ It has been a month since my ex broke up with me and he has called me twice and admitted he is missing me a lot. He wanted to be able to continue talking to me as "friends." He said that he didnt think that would prevent him from moving on as long as we did it responsibly. Well, I just recently called him and told him that I thought it would prevent me from moving on, and so I didn't think we should talk anymore. I know you are not supposed to announce NC you are just supposed to do it, but in my case, he KEPT asking me if I thought talking as friends was ok. I think since he was missing me a lot, he was rushing into the whole "lets be friends" thing. Now I am so scared. Should I not have told him that we can't talk anymore? I thought that us talking as "friends" would actually make things easier on him, by letting him know I would still be there for him, thus easing his panic about breaking up with me. People, do you think that if they love you and they are going to come back, that straight up announcing NC versus playing "games" with reduced contact will really make a difference? Help!
Guest Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 A dumper saying let's be friends accomplishes a few things: (1) let's them keep you in their life but in their terms. (2) relieves guilt. As the dumpee early on we use all kinds of justifications for agreeing to it. (1) they'll wake up (2) they still care (3) we hang onto hope etc etc etc. You have got to stop the contact SS because everytime you email or talk to him you are making it worse. He can't miss you if you are always there. You can't begin to heal if you keep hanging on.
Guest X Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 You are making all of the classic mistakes so many of us made. We are trying to tell you to stop SS but you won't listen. If he wanted a breakup then let him see what that means. Tell him you aren't ready for just a friendship and when you are you will let him know. Until then if he wants to be a friend then be a friend and leave you alone to heal.
dropdeadlegs Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 I think that if you had been talking as friends that you needed to voice that you were going into NC mode to reset boundaries. I really think that NC is more of a moving on/healing technique than a way to get someone back. It has worked in that fashion by making someone miss you and realize the error they made AT TIMES. But for the most part it is to help you move on. For instance if you were dumped and said , "okay, you want to break up, fine. Do not call me, come over, email me, text me, IM me, ANYTHING unless you have changed your mind." That might work for them to see how big a part of their life you were. It helps to keep from getting mixed signals that are often associated with continued contact after a breakup. I really think the best thing, in a perfect world, would be if nobody broke up unless they were absolutely sure and understood there is no do-over once those words have been spoken. Many people do believe this is the way it should be and is, but many others want to "take a break" to collect thoughts about something in the relationship with the opportunity to go back to the relationship. My BF dated me for seven weeks and ran into his old GF and "still had feelings for her." I didn't want to be investing my feelings in something that might not work, so I broke it off. Then I spent weeks trying to convince him that I was the better choice. All it did was keep him in limbo longer, although he does say that my continued advances did convince him that I was serious about the relationship. Eventually I stopped calling, writing, texting and it gave him time to sort through his feelings without contact from either me or the ex. I was initially worried that he would "forget" about me and acted the way I did to prevent that. The ex had history (6 years) and I had only seven fabulous weeks in my armory. What I hadn't taken into consideration was that they had a lot of bad history, too, and we had none. So NC did bring him back in a way, but my situation wasn't typical. If I broke up with him tomorrow I do not think anything would bring him back. He loves me very much, but if I leave, I better be sure because he doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with him. He would not chase me down begging, might not even take me back. He doesn't take heartbreak well and wouldn't allow me to stomp on his heart. I'm so long winded and give more info than people ask for too often. Sorry.
Author Starlight Starbright Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 Guest, I actually had controlled myself from phoning and emailing for the last few weeks (I had slipped up once over IM). He was the one that was calling. Actually, he was very smart about it. He would IM me at work, and then ask if I wanted to talk later over the phone, and if so would set up the time. By doing this, he was pretty much staying in control and not putting himself in a position where I might not call him back. Then, when we would talk, he KEPT trying to confirm whether I was ok talking as friends. At first, I thought the right thing to do was act nonchalant and say "Sure, I'm fine with it" to let him think I was over it and confuse him. I tried to play the games, but my anxiety got the best of me in the end. That's why I finally called him on Sunday. When I called, I didn't say "Don't contact me ever again unless you want to get back with me." I didnt make it about him at all. I made it about me. I told him "Listen, I need to work on a lot of things on myself and get to a place where I am truly happy from within. And I don't think I can do that while I am still talking to you. It's sending me mixed signals because neither of us are over each other at this point. So in order for me to move on, we can't talk for awhile. I don't know how long it will be." Let me clarify that when I said above "I thought that us staying friends would actually make things easier on him" I was implying that I DIDN'T want to stay friends and make things easier on him. I guess I shouldnt make this about him, I should make it about me, but I still want to make it as hard on him as possible. With him sounding depressed and telling him how much he was missing me, and also sounding so eager to continue talking as friends, I realized that he had become a bit vulnerable. But now I am reading all these stories of how people played games to get their exes back, and so I was freaking out a bit. I just wanted to make sure that if I do want him to eventually come back, did I screw up my chances? Well, I guess at least now I can focus on healing
dropdeadlegs Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 I'm sorry, I didn't even read your previous post, which leads to a previous post, which leads to a previous post. I'm going to go back and read them to see if I have anything to offer. I'll let you know.
dropdeadlegs Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Now that I have your whole story, I definitely think NC, absolutely none, is the route to go. The restricted or limited contact was giving you all the mixed signals that are notorious in a breakup. That was causing you anxiety on top of the depression the breakup caused. Please exercise the NC to take care of yourself. I have done what you are doing and it makes you miserable. All the what if's and "what did he mean?" and your heart jumping out of your chest when you do talk. That stuff will nearly kill ya! Questioning his feelings and thoughts all the time can be agonizing. You want to hear something positive and every negative or indifferent comment is like twisting the knife. And we are the ones responsible for doing the twisting. Your ex said on more than one occasion, I believe, that he is standing firm in his decision to break up. You really have to take him for his word on this. Men don't do a lot of doublespeak. He can still miss you and be sure he made the right decision. Even in the worst of breakups (cheating, stealing, or worse) initially there are things we miss about our SO. We once loved them for many reasons and sometimes still do. We get sad about loss even when we initiate it. The point is, he is standing firm in his resolve which doesn't bode well for you hanging on to hope of a reconciliation. Even coming off as cheerful and happy made him stronger in his resolve since he mentioned your non-happiness (or whatever you called it) as a reason for the breakup Based on many LS mens posts where they have been the dumper, it seems to take several months for a man to do a 180. He has to get out there and see that there isn't anything better. Do you want to be better than nothing? Sometimes you just have to get in your ship and sail. About the time that you hook up with someone else you are happy with is when he is likely to make his U-turn. Working on yourself is so important. Remember there are billions of men out there and many may be perfect for you. My LS friend Gunny likes to say "what has this guy got that the 3.5 billion other men don't" and he has a great point. Your heart is broken, but it will heal; you will be happy again. NC is the beginning of finding the happiness. Try it for several weeks. It will not always be easy, but it will get easier. I'll be hoping the best for you. You have a lot going for you and working on yourself will give you even more.
Guest Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 I think you're making excuses for yourself. "I HAD to tell him there was going to be No Contact." You didn't have to tell him anything, you chose to. If you really want a second chance, then you need to stop making excuses and do what you KNOW is best.
Carl321 Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Drop Dead is right, this guy is certainly not coming back anytime soon, and very likely will never come back. Whether you announced NC or not makes no difference whatsoever. You are so caught up in this that you cannot see that, but i can assure you that it makes no difference. You definitely need to cut off ALL CONTACT immediately. Do not respond to any efforts by him to contact you. Of course he misses you, that I am sure of, but nowhere near enough to come back to you. You are in no shape to start over with him right now anyway--based on your posts, you sound so wrapped up in him and the minutia of your interactions with him that you are coming across as a needy, desperate person. He can see that as plainly as i can. That will NEVER attract him back. It will just make him feel guilty or pity for you. You cannot be friends with him, so don't even try. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do or say to bring him back. He will only come back if he decides to on his own. So cut him off and move on with your life.
Author Starlight Starbright Posted March 2, 2007 Author Posted March 2, 2007 Thank you so much for your advice Carl and Dropdead. You are both completely right. I think I am still in complete denial. My mind is constantly obsessively thinking about the future and hypotheticals and what is going through his mind right now and I can't even find time to think about ANYTHING else. I admit, it is better now that I know there won't be any more contact on his part. He is not the type to push it, so I know he will respect my wishes. In fact, both of us have been incredibly respectful towards each other throughout this whole breakup. The problem with knowing that he misses me is that I think "oh, well then I can contact him this one more time because he misses me and will probably be glad to hear from me." Today I used that excuse to write him a short myspace message to tell him i finally quit my job (he's known I've been wanting to do it for months). But from now on, I will be taking your guys' advice and will stay strictly with NC, because I believe you when you say it is the right thing to do. My biggest problem still is acceptance. How do I finally just accept that its over (even if someday he might come back) and LET GO? It is sooo hard to just accept it. Keep in mind, this was my first relationship ever. I've never been through anything like this before.
D-Lish Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 The best advice I can give is that acceptance of a break up isn't really something you can force. Bu taking small steps and allowing yourself to grieve over the loss- you will eventually hit the stage where you come to terms with the fact that it's over. That usually takes a while. The stages of grief... something we all learned in basic psychology. It took me a few months to actually acknowledge he wasn't coming back. I am now at the 6 month mark, and I still miss him, but I'm not obsessing about it anymore. Break ups are freaking hard- but you can take solace in the fact that it does get better. He may or may not come back to you... but you should be living your life everyday as if he isn't coming back. The waiting and hoping only keeps you stuck. That is why NC works... it gives you a chance to heal without the painful interruption of contact...which breeds hope. Keep yourself busy and rely on your friends and family, keep posting here. Every little thing you do to move forward utimately leads to healing. Even the small things. D
Carl321 Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 D-Lish knows what she is talking about. I know right now, despite everything that is happening and what we are telling you, that you are holding on to some glimmer of hope. I know that because i have been there--with several different girls over the years. But, if you stick with NC, that hope fades and eventually goes away completely. This is your first relationship, so this is your first time going through this and it is probably scary for you. I know you can't imagine this right now, but someday you are going to meet a guy who will make you forget about this dude COMPLETELY. When i was 22, i met the girl that i thought i wanted to be with forever. I could NOT IMAGINE being with anyone else--all other girls paled in comparison. My feelings for her were more intense than anything i had previously experienced. She eventually broke my heart into a million pieces. I was crushed. But a year later i met a fantastic girl and had a good 6 year run with her. It ultimately did not pan out with her either, but falling in love with her made me realize that there are OTHER GIRLS out there, and that i could fall in love again. Trust me on this, take the time to heal and you will be a stronger person for it, and better prepared to meet the guy who will make you forget about this dude forever.
Author Starlight Starbright Posted March 2, 2007 Author Posted March 2, 2007 So a while back I posted the details about my ex's insecure behavior in the coping forum. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t112904/ The responses I got from everyone helped a lot. Last week I was doing really well because I was truly starting to believe that I didn't want to be with someone like him ever again (you'd think it would be a simple decision based on the details of his behavior, but alas, love is not so simple). That's why NC is so important. The minute we broke contact and talked over the phone this past weekend, all of the negative memories that I was reinforcing in my head vanished, and were replaced by good ones. Now I am back to square one pounding those negatives into my brain again and trying to wash out any of the good. NC NC NC!
Guest Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 so he is respecting that. He is feeling if he contacts you after you told him that, then he is hurting you and disrespecting your wishes. So he is respecting that. If he truly wanted to be together with you, as in reunite as a couple, nothing would stop him from pursuing that, so in my opinion he is telling you that he just wants to be friends and in doing that not contacting you as you asked, at least for a long time so you can move on from your romantic feelings for him.
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