Aloros Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 I have an online acquaintance who I've known for a couple years now. We've met once in real life. At the moment he lives out on the east coast (moved out there for a girl, didn't work out), and I live on the west coast. Recently he has been sending me some emails that I find uncomfortable. I am in a committed relationship, and have been for eight months, with a guy I am very much in love with. He knows this. I posted some photographs of a recent trip to Thailand (with my bf), and this guy emailed me telling me how gorgeous he thought I looked and how much he just wanted to give me a big kiss on each of my cheeks and how he couldn't keep it to himself. He'd previously asked me out to sushi when my bf and I were just dating, but I turned him down. I'd thought I'd made things pretty clear that things between us were strictly platonic, and he's good to talk to, AND his father just died, so I'm not exactly sure how to handle this. I feel like I should tell my bf since we use one another's computers sometimes, and I don't want him to stumble across this and get the wrong idea. I'd like to keep this guy's friendship, but I'd also like to nip this behavior in the bud. There have been previous emails where he has commented on how smart, good-looking, etc. he thinks I am, and I have simply ignored these comments (obviously this doesn't work). The only person I really enjoy hearing these things from are my bf. Thanks!
EnigmaXOXO Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Sounds like your friend is feeling lonely and down on himself after the recent breakup. Your kindness has probably helped to boost his self-esteem a bit … and seeing you and your boyfriend having such a good time together has made him start wishing for the same. Since you've been so nice to him, and haven't come right out and told him you were feeling uncomfortable with some of his comments, I'm sure he's imagining that there's an opening somewhere and he may actually have a shot with you. I kinda feel sad for him, but it wouldn't be fair to string this fella along any further. Especially if you risk upsetting your boyfriend. And it's impossible to remain "just friends" with someone who you know is looking for more. It sucks. But sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. You can try to let him down easy, but not by sending mixed signals. And if he doesn't get the "hint" the first time around, you may have to send an even stronger message. He may get his feelings hurt no matter how diplomatic you try to be … but you've got to remember whose feelings take priority, here. The pen pal or the boyfriend? I feel like I should tell my bf since we use one another's computers sometimes, and I don't want him to stumble across this and get the wrong idea. If you end the correspondence for all of the reasons you've given, than the only explanation left to give your boyfriend is the "truth." Your pen pal started to get a bit too fresh; it gave you the heebie-jeebies; you cut him off out of respect for your boyfriend and relationship … end of story. Nothin' wrong with that.
Art_Critic Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 It is all about what you think is appropriate and setting those boundaries.. If you feel that his comments are not welcome then just tell him.. I have been email friends with women that I have never met but know them well thru email and pictures and I have told them how pretty and hot they are even though I have no romantic intentions for them... I think they know that I don't consider them dateable as we are on different ends of the US and are of different age groups.. I am being their friend and as a friend if I want to tell them they are hot and killer in the looks department then that is my right as their friend.. It is all in the intentions.. I'm guessing that you feel his intentions are more than him just being friendly and if that is your feeling then you just need to politely explain to him when he makes those comments that you feel they are not in good spirit with your relationship with him.
LoveLace Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Next time he pays you a compliment, tell him "I know, because my boyfriend tells me that all the time!" It might be a good idea to tell your BF about this, since you say there is a chance that he could stumble across it and get the wrong idea. As far as your online friend goes, it sounds like you will just have to be straight and tell him the compliments are a little much for you, especially since you have a BF. Keep reminding him of how much you love your BF and how serious you are about him. Let him know you value his friendship. Encourage him to do things that might lead to him to meeting new people, or women, let him know he's a good catch but since your taken, you hope to see some lucky girl get him. Maybe even set him up with women if you know any... If the behavior continues despite all your efforts, I would try to cut off contact...gradually fade out of his life...maybe tell him you are getting married or something...
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