Email Deception

[Diddy218]

I am so paranoid that my boyfriend is going to cheat on me or that he will get back with his ex...

 

I have been with this guy for some time now and we are actually living together. One morning he was running late for work and left some browsers open on the computer. One of them happened to be his email, so naturally I took a look. What I found shocked me! The things he said to his friends about me and the way he talked about other girls when we were together was hurtful and disgusting. It said things like findin new girls, or how hot some girls are, he should start dating or hooking up with whomever. (We were together all the time so there was no way he could have met other broads and maybe he was trying to impress his friends but why would he do that?)

 

I also found a few emails to his ex that he had sent to her when we became exclusive. A little background info..everytime they broke up he had another girl. Towards the end of their relationship he wasnt happy and he put out personal ads to see what else was out there...idiot!!! (He got divorced a yr or 2 before they started to date and I do realize he wasnt looking to settle down but doing that when you are with someone is wrong. And he says he never cheated on her, just dated around when they broke-up.)

 

Anyways, I was so livid and hurt by the emails!! I confronted him about what I had seen. He told me that they were jokes to his friends and apologized profusly. Now looking back I do see how some of them could be jokes but I do realize they all weren't.

 

After a lot of thought and consideration I gave him a second chance. But I had a very hard time of letting go of the situation so I would continually bring up the "emails" causing us to fight a lot.

 

Yesterday, I saw his email again. It was a lot better, he stopped his "jokes" which made me very happy. But I did see an email from his ex...she has some website and he wrote I love you baby on it when we were just dating. She was replying to the comment and did say in her email she saw he posted that awhile ago. I did not get mad because he did not respond to her. But when I asked him about it he lied. Why? He claims he does not remember that email and that she prob sent something like that in august. Bull! It was in jan.

 

Also, he is planning to go to Miami and Vegas in a few wks. All his friends are so pumped because he can party like no one else. He is very good looking and can get any woman, which is another plus for his boys because they arent the best looking. I don't think he will cheat on me but the fact he lies about little things really bothers me. The dumb things he pulled in his past make me wonder if he is going to do that again.

 

I must say, everyone has noticed he has change. He is not the same party guy. His friends have made fun of me because he does not go out much anymore and they are used to the old him...partying and hooking up with girls. They hate the fact he would rather stay in with me or when he does go out he is not out all hours of the night like they are.

 

Even his ex wife says that he has changed alot, he is a lot happier and much more calm.

I dont think he will cheat on me but if he lies about tiny things how do I know he wont lie about big things. I am so paranoid about this vegas and miami trip. I dont want to keep bringing the past up, it is tearing us apart and prevent us from moving forward but that is all I can think about. What should I do?

[porcelain]

Honestly? You're snooping. You deserve what you find.

 

He is with you, isn't he? He's sleeping next to you everynight, right?

 

Have there been times when you've been out with your girlfriends and they point out a good looking guy and you agree?

 

Have you been watching TV and seen a handsome guy and thought to yourself, "Hey, that guy's pretty hot."

 

If you say you havn't, I'm pretty sure you're lying.

 

I don't understand why men have all of these double standards. Women can be out with their girlfriends and point out a good looking guy.. but if a guy does it, OH NO, he's a HORRIBLE boyfriend!!!

 

There ARE attractive people out there. Humans are VISUAL creatures, obviously some people are easier to look at than others. You should be happy that he is with you and no one else.

 

As for the ex girlfriend, I don't see what your issue is. He didn't respond to what she said.

 

I think you're being seriously paranoid, and maybe you should go and see a therapist and deal with your jealousy issues.

 

STOP SNOOPING.

[xoxpipahxox]

Honestly? You're snooping. You deserve what you find.

 

I agree with this ... to an extent. You're saying that she deserves what she finds. So, in light of finding what she did in fact find, she deserves to be lied to about the situation? If a guy thinks a girl is hot and he has nothing to be ashamed of, as we all find individuals to be good looking, why would he disguise it as a joke? Also, why is he saying he didn't know about the email. Unless, of course, she checked it before he did. In that case I would understand him not seeing the email.

 

I don't think that she deserves to be lied to and I would also have an issue if my boyfriend told his ex, while we were together, that he loved her. Why be in a relationship with one person if you're still dwelling on feels you had for another?

 

I agree that if you don't want to find anything, don't look; however you have to admit if something is blatantly staring you in the face, such as open browser windows with emails, you're going to look. If you don't want your stuff read, it's simple enough to close the windows...

[Mary3]

There's alot going on here.

 

1. You are carrying around issues of distrust . They are YOURS and yours alone. You have them from either something someone else did to you or something your present bf did to you.

 

2. Boys will be boys. He is going to tout to his friends that he can get chicks. Whats the big deal ? All men like to think they are the hunter and can get multiple girls. You don't SEE him with them do you ? No, you just see email crapola. Some of it could be true that he did this or that. But either way your DISTRUST is going to run him AWAY.

 

Soooooooo....that means you need to work on YOU. He is with you. He is not with anyone else. If he is a cheater , then he is a cheater. He will cheat on you tonite or maybe tomorrow . You see how you can't control another persons actions. So learn to love yourself and trust in yourself. If he is a STD carrying jerk who is lying to you like crazy , then thats exactly what he is.....Or if he is loving and trusts you , then THATS what you have until your insecurity drives him away.

 

3. You could be the * go to * girl who is a rebound for him , when everytime he breaks up with HER he finds another girl.

 

4. It could be quite possible he is doing lots of NO NO's behind your back and on the computer and minimizing windows and attemtping to be the Don Juan he was before he met you. Again, nothing you can do about it.

 

5. He could be lying and none of it is a joke ( email ).

 

6. You are now in a Paranoid state and will sniff every email , every phone call, every web site , every text......you are going to drive him away because you don't have TRUST. Without trust you are doomed in this relationship.

[Diddy218]

Its not that he is saying other girls are hott...haha that does not bother me at all! Its the fact that he did say...oh that girl has had a threesome before?? I should meet her...**** like that! Or when I was going out wit my girls and he would he would say...oh ill be with her and there is going to be 2 much hott @ss p*ssy to pass up...thats messed up.

But I have to admit he has changed and doesnt say anything like that anymore.

[sb129]

So give him the benefit of the doubt!

 

If his ex wife says he seems happier that is a pretty major thing for her to say... she probably knows him quite well, and for her to say that means she harbours no bitterness, so I would listen to that.

 

He HAS changed his ways since A) you have been together exclusively and B) even since you confronted him. So you should focus on the postive things that HAVE happened, not the negative things that MIGHT happen.

 

Give the guy a break- he was probably talking it up for his mates. Guys do.

[Guest]

Has he changed?? Is he with you every night? Does he love you and do things to show it? If the answer is yes to all of these questions then you know you have nothing to worry about!!

 

Its just men being men...its not that they want to cheat (well some of them do) they just want to act like they can get whomever in front of their friends. It reverts back to the whole "my d*ck is bigger that yours" thing.

And lets face it, men do not share their feelings about their gfs or wives with their friends.

 

As far as those personal ads are concern, you don't know what the situation was with the two of them. And its his ex, shes an ex for a reason. He wants to be with YOU!! Not her, not random girls just YOU!!

 

I agree with everyone, you HAVE to trust him. If not, you will drive yourself crazy. Enjoy what you have, appreciate the fact that he has changed!! If you keep fighting with him it will push him away and may make it easier for him to cheat.

[Walk]

I have a suggestion.. since I know that the whole "just trust him" thing doesn't work once those thoughts dig in...

 

First... I'd have a talk about honesty. But I'd have to be completely prepared to discuss it without getting emotionally upset. I know it's hard, but it's possible to control emotions. I'd talk in more generalized terms, don't imply you know he lied, just keep it focused on both of you working together on creating honest, open communication. A "together" plan of attack on problems and misunderstandings that may crop up. Let him know that even if he has something he feels might hurt you, that it would hurt you less if he's upfront and honest about it. Neither of you should try to camafloug a situation as less then it was. Tell him you'll will follow the same rules should the situation arise for either of you.

 

Second.. If you're worried about his eyes or mind wandering to other women, then put more action into keeping them on you. Instead of using up all that energy on worrying, fretting about what he's saying/thinking... put that energy into captivating his attention. What things does your guy love? What are his buttons that make him go "wow"? You have to know at least a few of them by now. Use this time (before his trip) to show him that there's nothing he can get "out there" because his needs are fulfilled at home.

 

This doesn't have to be "just sex". It might be by you suggesting erotic things that you want to try. Verbally teasing him sexually. Or flashing him when you walk by him one evening. Just keeping it on his mind that you have what he wants, and you want him too. Being confident that you are attractive and desirous, and letting him know it. Keep the thought alive that you want to fulfill his needs.

 

Third: I would talk to him about his past relationship and how he acted during that time. Asking why he placed the personal ads, what his driving motivations were at the time. What were his thoughts/feelings/etc at the time. Then I'd ask what has changed. What are his thoughts/feelings now, and what can I do to prevent a repeat from his last relationship. Ask him questions. Find out what he felt the problems were in the previous relationship, and how those can be prevented now. What things you can do to ensure the health of the relationship. A more proactive approach, instead of letting your fears lead to inaction. Be open to criticism. Open to understanding his views and thoughts on situations. Open to having a real discussion about how to find comprimise and understanding so that both of you can get what you need from the relationship.

 

Basically.. I'm arguing for a more proactive approach on your part. Worrying will lead to inaction. Inaction will cause your partner to feel you don't care.

 

It's like if you were short on money... if all you did was worry and cry about being broke, but didn't get out there and try to earn more... then you're going to end up homeless. You have a choice. You can sit there worrying... or you can do something to try and make the situation better.

[dcknudson]

First you will need to read my "ex-girlfriends lingering in the background".

I caught my boyfriend in a lie too. He went to Florida for his friends wedding and paid a visit to his former girlfriend. I found out about this through his sisters myspace. How I know that he lied to me, was he went to bush gardens with his sister and brought me back something from there and when I got onto his sisters myspace there was a message from his ex that she had a great time at bush gardens. Needless to say I blew-up and wanted him to move out.

 

You shouldn't feel bad about bringing the things that bother you the most up. They are valid issues and you both need to work through them. You need to find out if he really loves you and may even need to test him on it. Like making him move out, breaking up with him. Telling him you want to see what is out there. Believe me I feel the same struggle. I did give him an utimatum. I told him he should move out. He said I only love you and that I mean the world to him. But I have real trust issues like you and don't know if they will ever get resolved. He has every cellphone with a password and everything else about what he does is very private. I can't help but be very suspicious. I would suggest you both seek couseling. What do you think?